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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think he's stepping over the professional line?

116 replies

Watermelonsugarhi · 14/09/2021 19:47

My son is 5 years old and just begun year 1.
Over the summer hols he attended a sport club 9-12. The guy who runs the club is the schools p.e teacher who they source and he's self employed. Late 50s I'd say.
So there's been a few things that have happened and now I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable and wondered if I'm overreacting or I'm reasonable to feel this way.
So the 1st was when I picked my DS up from the summer club and the PE guy said my son was amazing and smiley and quote "I just want to take him home" There was only us three there when he said this.
Later that evening about 7pm he texts on his work mobile (I had to text this number to arrange the clubs) saying my son was a breath of fresh air and was great.
Today he's finished sports club and come out with a massive bag of haribo. I asked what it was for and my son says star of the week or something. No one got anything last week, not sure if anyone will get any next week.
So would you feel comfortable at all this or do you think there is a line of professionalism he is crossing? I've spoken to my partner who is a primary school teacher and they think he is crossing the line of professionalism.

OP posts:
Canunot · 15/09/2021 19:35

Is it possible for you to sit in on the next session at the club?

I agree with your plan to hold off to see if someone gets sweets next week. If they do then maybe speak to the guy and say look I appreciate the thought but please don’t give sweets again, he was up all night (something like that).

I also agree with PP about having a conversation about body parts and not keeping secrets.

I really think he is just trying to keep your son happy and attending but is maybe going a bit over the top. But you are right to be concerned

Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 15/09/2021 19:37

I've sat down with my partner tonight and they have reassured me that it's absolutely something I should email the head about. So we have written an email and I've sent it to the head. I didn't make any accusations. Just stated facts of what was said and what happened.
I'm not going to send my DS to sport club anymore either

OP posts:
Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 15/09/2021 19:39

[quote Porridgealert]@Watermelonsugarhi

Are you saying he's a paedophile?

"I haven't said that. At the least he's just a friendly kind guy who is overstepping a professional line and having a favourite.
Even though I feel this might be the case you just never know what people's true intentions are. So there is a small, slim chance that it is not the above."

Sorry, I wasn't criticising. I was interested how you'd categorise the attention you feel is inappropriate.
I don't blame you for protecting your child. I wouldn't leave my dog with anyone I thought was even slightly suss. So I wouldn't expect you to do anything less for your child.[/quote]
No that's fine. I guess it's the being overly friendly especially the text after he had already told me to my face how lovely my child was.
I can't quite pinpoint it but something is making me uneasy

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/09/2021 19:53

It is low level unease that can protect children. In any major grooming or abuse scandal there will have been countless adults who ignored gut feelings of discomfort.

When adults have access to children they have to be held to very high standards of safeguarding.

If this teacher is just not acting in a sensible way then they will benefit from a reminder that they have to strictly abide to safeguarding

I have felt uncomfortable once when an adult showed a particularly keen fondness for one of my children who was then a toddler. Kept wanting to feed them and keep them near them

User5827372728 · 15/09/2021 19:59

I would trust your gut and glad you sent a factual email

Porridgealert · 15/09/2021 20:30

Personally I don't buy into the 'mumsnet gut' belief. We have instincts all the time but we only ever remember the times that instinct was correct and we forget all times it wasn't.
It's really unlikely to be anything sinister - even less so because he's signposted it - but if you can put your mind at rest without causing a big problem for him, all the better. You could never relax when your mind is full of doubts and that's not fair on you or the guy if he's innocent.

christinarossetti19 · 15/09/2021 22:06

Well done OP.

Porridgealert notifying a head about behaviour that's made you feel uneasy isn't 'causing a big problem'.

It's asking said behaviuor to be viewed through the lens of a safeguarding policy and some action identified.

The action might be to close the investigation, no problem, or to send on training course which would actually be helpful for him if he isn't clear what is and isn't okay within safeguarding guidelines.

As said above, it's not about whether someone is 'innocent' or 'guilty' but whether they are acting in accordance with safeguarding protocols which ultimately protect both children and themselves.

Porridgealert · 15/09/2021 22:18

@christinarossetti19
notifying a head about behaviour that's made you feel uneasy isn't 'causing a big problem'.

That's exactly what I said. That she's put her mind at rest without causing him a big problem. So your point is...?

christinarossetti19 · 15/09/2021 22:47

Ah, I misread it as OP could put her mind at rest without taking action.

MY point? That nothing OP does or doesn't do is causing anyone a 'big problem'.

Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 16/09/2021 07:51

Thank you everyone for your very helpful replies, I'm awaiting an email back from the headteacher

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 16/09/2021 13:15

I hope you get a reply soon that makes a difference.

Porridgealert · 16/09/2021 18:56

@christinarossetti19

Ah, I misread it as OP could put her mind at rest without taking action.

MY point? That nothing OP does or doesn't do is causing anyone a 'big problem'.

I'm not sure if this is a tenses issue in your post. So. Nothing she is doing is causing a big problem. But there's plenty she could do that would cause him a big problem. If she started a FB campaign against him or went down to his place of work and energised people to question and insult him en masse. I can think of loads of ways that this could be handled badly and cause the man involved a big problem over something that might be completely innocent. Fortunately the op seems sensible and sensitive the issue and is handling the matter in a proper way.
christinarossetti19 · 16/09/2021 18:59

Well, as OP hadn't mentioned a FB campaign or the like, I meant in terms of safeguarding protocols.

OhWhyNot · 16/09/2021 19:13

You have done the right thing

He isn’t staying within the safeguarding boundaries he will know what they are and for whatever reason thinks they do not apply to him orbits ok to push them (doubt he would have messaged your dh)

We have to pull staff up for this. There is no oh what if they were just being nice, poor member of staff they were being kind, what if they feel bad about it or think we think that they are xyz

It’s not about them it’s about safeguarding vulnerable people in this case children and if you can’t recognise the importance of safeguarding then really you shouldn’t be working with children (or anyone vulnerable)

SheilaWilcox · 16/09/2021 19:27

If nothing else, someone from safeguarding needs to talk to him about how his actions COULD be interpreted.
If nothing sinister, the 'upskilling' will prevent him putting HIMSELF at risk of accusations.
Or worst case, it could be a piece of a puzzle that leads to many more children be protected.
Either way, glad you sent the email. You may never know what action is taken, but you will know you didn't turn a blind eye.

Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 17/09/2021 07:40

@OhWhyNot

You have done the right thing

He isn’t staying within the safeguarding boundaries he will know what they are and for whatever reason thinks they do not apply to him orbits ok to push them (doubt he would have messaged your dh)

We have to pull staff up for this. There is no oh what if they were just being nice, poor member of staff they were being kind, what if they feel bad about it or think we think that they are xyz

It’s not about them it’s about safeguarding vulnerable people in this case children and if you can’t recognise the importance of safeguarding then really you shouldn’t be working with children (or anyone vulnerable)

Yes this is Excatly my view on it too. You need to follow safeguarding when working with children and vulnerable people.. 1. Most importantly to protect them but 2. To also protect yourself
OP posts:
Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 17/09/2021 07:41

@SheilaWilcox

If nothing else, someone from safeguarding needs to talk to him about how his actions COULD be interpreted. If nothing sinister, the 'upskilling' will prevent him putting HIMSELF at risk of accusations. Or worst case, it could be a piece of a puzzle that leads to many more children be protected. Either way, glad you sent the email. You may never know what action is taken, but you will know you didn't turn a blind eye.
Yes I do feel so much better for sending the email nand following my gut.
OP posts:
Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 20/09/2021 16:24

Jus received an email from the head. Not sure how i feel, basically just said i've spoke to the teacher and just felt like he was justifying his actions.
So he said he praised him because not many reception children go to sport club but about 4/5 other DS classmates where in it.
The text was to apparently reiterate his point ( I still find that was not professional).
And the prize is something the teacher does for all of his club and it was a coincidence it was my child. Which is fair enough.Prob was.

Then went on to say sorry i was made to feel that way.

Now i just feel awkward again because now i feel i made a fuss over nothing.

OP posts:
Flipflopfoodle · 20/09/2021 17:05

At least OP he should stop doing it to others, it was wrong but the fact he is connected to the head of safeguarding in the school probably means the head stepped too lightly on his feelings. Just a ,'thank you for raising it, have spoken to X, they understand your feeling, it will not happen again,' would have been a lot better than defence.

Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 21/09/2021 06:29

@Flipflopfoodle

At least OP he should stop doing it to others, it was wrong but the fact he is connected to the head of safeguarding in the school probably means the head stepped too lightly on his feelings. Just a ,'thank you for raising it, have spoken to X, they understand your feeling, it will not happen again,' would have been a lot better than defence.
Yes that's the word I feel like the head was being more defensive of the pe teacher probably like you say because of his wife's position. Yes I believe the way you worded it would have been much better
OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/09/2021 06:45

you have made your point
it has been looked into
let it go now

Original poster
Watermelonsugarhi · 21/09/2021 08:23

@MrsLargeEmbodied

you have made your point it has been looked into let it go now
I'm allowed to still discuss how I feel on here though
OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/09/2021 08:30

you have to learn to trust op. there will be countless times when you will have gut feelings regarding your dc, believe me

Josette77 · 21/09/2021 14:29

What would you ideally have liked to happen?
How could the head teacher make you feel better?

Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 14:33

@Theworldishard

Be careful what you may be accusing him off. He could lose everything... Take a step back and ask other parents about him before reacting. If you are thst worried, take your son out of the club
This. You could be plunging a perfectly innocent guy into a world of pain. His wife too. I’d do a lot more research with other parents before doing or saying anything.