AIBU to think he's stepping over the professional line?

[Watermelonsugarhi]

My son is 5 years old and just begun year 1.
Over the summer hols he attended a sport club 9-12. The guy who runs the club is the schools p.e teacher who they source and he's self employed. Late 50s I'd say.
So there's been a few things that have happened and now I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable and wondered if I'm overreacting or I'm reasonable to feel this way.
So the 1st was when I picked my DS up from the summer club and the PE guy said my son was amazing and smiley and quote "I just want to take him home" There was only us three there when he said this.
Later that evening about 7pm he texts on his work mobile (I had to text this number to arrange the clubs) saying my son was a breath of fresh air and was great.
Today he's finished sports club and come out with a massive bag of haribo. I asked what it was for and my son says star of the week or something. No one got anything last week, not sure if anyone will get any next week.
So would you feel comfortable at all this or do you think there is a line of professionalism he is crossing? I've spoken to my partner who is a primary school teacher and they think he is crossing the line of professionalism.

He will know he is overstepping a boundary and he has already pushed it twice he knows this.

Report this you don’t have to say you are feeling uncomfortable

@MrsLargeEmbodied

he will be employed by the school surely, the self employment is for the extra hours he puts in is it relevant?

I don't know, I just assumed he wasn't as he's not on the staff list on their website or the schools messaging system

@MrsLargeEmbodied

when you picked him up why were there only you three? he should always have another adult with him

Not sure, could have been someone else in the building? We were outside the building

@MrsLargeEmbodied

he is star of the week that is feasible

i think you need to hold fire on your email

I am thinking maybe I should wait until next week and see if another child gets something similar to my DS. I just don't want to look like I'm making accusations

His first comment is a very common one and not of concern to me - hear it lots from female professionals. The text is more odd, but he might have just read one of your booking texts - he may go through these on an evening, and be commenting as he is new to club. It's a club not a school, so I wouldn't expect same rules re sweets etc - if he does this once a week or even a one off prize or whatever, it's not surprising your son won on this occasion, he already said he has been a star. I would be vigilant and start looking at age appropriate stay safe materials (NSPCC) with child, as he will attend other clubs overtime too. I personally would not be reporting at this stage - or removing from club. If you feel strongly though, you can do so discreetly. Would you feel as worried if it was a female club leader?

Star of the week I understand, and you don't really know no one got sweets last week if you don't know any of the other parents.

The text is weird but the comment wouldn't bother me. I often joke with friends with kids that I am going to keep them. I'm not in a position to have professional involvement with kids (thank god for my own sanity! Have enough of it at home ha) but I can't see me being worried about a teacher saying this in a jokey way.

If it does carry on, then I would look at reporting it. Look out for sweets next week, if your son brings more home I would report straight away.

Keep an eye and maybe instill in your ds that acts of kindness do not mean a person has good intentions.

Would you feel equally uncomfortable if the PE teacher doing this was a woman?
I'm not judging at all, just posing the question

The person running every paid for club my DC have ever been to has always told me how amazing my child is. Its what they do, compliment the customer!

You really need to get to know other parents though, to get through the infant school years. You can then compare whats 'normal' v easily. I imagine you were late picking up and that's why the conversation was just 3 of you?

Would you necessarily know if the sweets prize had been given to someone else previously?

God I said that to a parent at a sports club ….. I meant nothing by it other than this kid was the cutest funniest kid!!! I feel awful now but she did laugh and say Aww thanks.

Really confused by this thread. So he complimented your child's positive attitude and good behaviour and he awarded him for a small competition and this is somehow an issue?

You admitted you don't know or speak to any other parents so you have no idea if this is singling your kid out, you're jumping to some hefty conclusions there on very little info. As other PPs pointed out, I imagine your reaction would not be this OTT if this person was female...

But you definitely seem to be insinuating grooming or something sinister here, that's why others have asked

I'd say just be vigilant and see what happens. Particularly, find out if this star of the week thing is real (do you have just your son's word on what the sweets were for, or has the teacher mentioned it?)

If anything else happens to get your spidey senses going, christinarossetti19's suggestion of talking to another teacher/the head and saying, 'I'm concerned that this is against safeguarding policy and the teacher could be putting himself in a vulnerable position by doing this'. is good, I think.

These would be red flags for me. Not in the sense of immediate reports to etc but these are the steps I would take

• report to school along the lines of "I am concerned this is not in line with rules.and I am sure teacher means no harm but they could put themselves at risk
• retreat a bit, reduce opportunities for contact. So yes, don't use the holiday club or sports club anymore

I saw that as someone whose swimming coach was loved by all the parents and the local community but when they weren't looking would take opportunities to try and kiss and grope us. You have to act on red flags to protect your child,. And in a more cautious way in terms of making accusations case they are accidental/ill judged rather than anything more sinister

Sounds like safeguarding is not equal in schools. Our school deals with all clubs using the facilities. Eg football club is out sourced BUT you can only book through the school so no sharing of phone numbers.
When we run clubs we always have two members of staff. Again for the football, I sit in on the lesson (I'm female and have no interest in football at all) this not only protects the kids but also the coach. I also sit in on chess club, swimming and hockey, all run outside of school time but with school staff. We have kids 7 to 16 in school. Personal texts and a single coach would be considered not correct safeguarding at our place.

I’d feel uncomfortable and I think you need to ask a few “innocent” questions regards whether sweets are frequently given out etc, ask when another teacher is about as if it’s a breach it’ll raise alarm bells.

The problem is that sinister people are hidden in plain sight and you don’t know. These are classic signs of grooming which could also be absolutely nothing. You can’t ignore the signs but I understand you don’t want to look like you are making damaging accusations

You say that your son is so trusting and will do anything anyone says without a question. That is a problem.

You need to teach him to be a little less trusting. Tell him that there are parts of his body that other adults shouldn't touch unless they are a doctor or a nurse ie the bits covered by his underwear. If somebody touches him in those areas he is to shout "no" as loud as he can and tell you as soon as possible. Tell him that other adults do not have secrets with children his age and he is totally allowed to tell you any secret an adult wants him to keep. If he is embarrassed or worried about something that has happened then he should ask you.

Obviously you don't want to make him too untrusting but gullibility is no protection. It can be the person you least suspect - in the case of one of my friends it was a rather precocious classmate of her child on a sleepover. Warnings about strangers are not much use because abusers generally aren't strangers.

I told my sons that if they ever needed help or something was wrong they should call me. Whatever the time, even if it is the middle of the night I will come and get them and not yell.

It would concern me because it's over familiar and starting to break down boundaries of normal, which is step 1 of grooming. He is also in a strong position with his wife being in safeguarding for someone with nefarious intentions. A small pushback now of "this isn't right" might put him on someone's radar for monitoring and if he does have intentions of grooming then when he sees you're not a soft target he will back off.

Our gut instinct is there for a reason.

@TolkiensFallow

I’d feel uncomfortable and I think you need to ask a few “innocent” questions regards whether sweets are frequently given out etc, ask when another teacher is about as if it’s a breach it’ll raise alarm bells.

The problem is that sinister people are hidden in plain sight and you don’t know. These are classic signs of grooming which could also be absolutely nothing. You can’t ignore the signs but I understand you don’t want to look like you are making damaging accusations

Yes exactly this. It could be 100% innocent and it might not be. You just don't know. I don't want to make damaging accusations if i have it wrong but like you say these could also be signs of grooming and people like that do hide in plan sight.

Its a very fine line. Just hard to know how to navigate it.

@Rangoon

You say that your son is so trusting and will do anything anyone says without a question. That is a problem.

You need to teach him to be a little less trusting. Tell him that there are parts of his body that other adults shouldn't touch unless they are a doctor or a nurse ie the bits covered by his underwear. If somebody touches him in those areas he is to shout "no" as loud as he can and tell you as soon as possible. Tell him that other adults do not have secrets with children his age and he is totally allowed to tell you any secret an adult wants him to keep. If he is embarrassed or worried about something that has happened then he should ask you.

Obviously you don't want to make him too untrusting but gullibility is no protection. It can be the person you least suspect - in the case of one of my friends it was a rather precocious classmate of her child on a sleepover. Warnings about strangers are not much use because abusers generally aren't strangers.

I told my sons that if they ever needed help or something was wrong they should call me. Whatever the time, even if it is the middle of the night I will come and get them and not yell.

I agree with you, it is a problem. I have sat down and had discussions with him about trusting people and not everyone in this world has good intentions. I have had just a few chats with him regarding private areas and he can always come to me about concerns.

Problem is his D**khead dad (my ex) has recently encouraged him to lie to me about something at his house. I've told him that this is not on and it could encourage our DS to lie to us because thats what hes teaching him. My ex sees no problem and says its just one of those things like "dont tell your mum". Honestly its infuriating.

I don't think it should be on you to investigate or to worry about what may happen if you report. If you feel uncomfortable, report the facts to the headteacher and leave them to it.

@Meatshake

It would concern me because it's over familiar and starting to break down boundaries of normal, which is step 1 of grooming. He is also in a strong position with his wife being in safeguarding for someone with nefarious intentions. A small pushback now of "this isn't right" might put him on someone's radar for monitoring and if he does have intentions of grooming then when he sees you're not a soft target he will back off.

Our gut instinct is there for a reason.

Yes completely agree with you.

My gut has rarely been wrong

Just read this off a .gov website to do with safeguarding in schools.

What is a low level concern?
409. The term ‘low-level’ concern does not mean that it is insignificant, it means that
the behaviour towards a child does not meet the threshold set out at paragraph 338. A
low-level concern is any concern – no matter how small, and even if no more than
causing a sense of unease or a ‘nagging doubt’ - that an adult working in or on behalf of
the school or college may have acted in a way that:

410. Examples of such behaviour could include, but are not limited to: • being over friendly with children; • having favourites;

I feel like whats happened could fit in with a low level concern?

Yes, it absolutely does.

And it's given you enough of a sense of unease and nagging doubt to start a thread, contribute to thread, research about safeguarding on the government website etc.

Ignore the 'he's just being friendly' posts that's not the issue.

He may be the friendliest, harmless person on the planet but text alone has the potential to make his vulnerable within a safeguarding context which the school has a legal duty to uphold.

As an ex school governor, I am surprised that a pe teacher in a primary school can be self employed. I have never heard of such a thing. And all school activities that are organised using external companies, are booked through the school with no direct contact with parents.

All safeguarding concerns should be reported, even minor/low level concerns.

I used to attend a youth group (many years ago), and one of the workers would give sweets to his favourites and ingratiate himself with their parents. He was very ‘handsy’ and creepy. Some of the parents raves about how lovely he was and some gave him a wide berth. The kids never spoke about him and I moved so I don’t know of anything else.

I would be weary of this behaviour

@Watermelonsugarhi

Are you saying he's a paedophile?

"I haven't said that. At the least he's just a friendly kind guy who is overstepping a professional line and having a favourite.
Even though I feel this might be the case you just never know what people's true intentions are. So there is a small, slim chance that it is not the above."

Sorry, I wasn't criticising. I was interested how you'd categorise the attention you feel is inappropriate.
I don't blame you for protecting your child. I wouldn't leave my dog with anyone I thought was even slightly suss. So I wouldn't expect you to do anything less for your child.