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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this mother's advice to her 10 year old DD faintly disturbing?

107 replies

randocalrissian · 14/09/2021 19:27

My DD is in year 6 and, as is normal, there are the first stirrings of pre-teen romance among one or two kids in her year. All pretty innocent and harmless and we've chatted about it.

She told me yesterday one girl in her class is flirting a bit with a boy - think they're not even at the holding hands stage but its the talk of the town as you can imagine.

DD said the girl had said her mum took the girl aside and gave her some "tips" about how to flirt with this boy.

The one which stuck in my mind was "always be pleasant and smiley around him and laugh at his jokes. Don't say too much and don't hang out too much with the other boys".

I'm not sure whether to be more disturbed that this mum is basically preparing her pre-pubescent daughter for a relationship in such an overt way at this age or the advice that she should turn herself into such a wet discloth.

Is it just me or is this weird and a bit unhealthy?

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 15/09/2021 18:19

How do you know this is actually true?

bellocchild · 15/09/2021 18:28

@prsphne I see where you are coming from on this. Girls shouldn't be flirting at this age anyway, still less hunting for boyfriends, but being nice and supportive to each other is good for everyone's morale. Perhaps we should all try it?

Anastar23 · 15/09/2021 18:33

Wrong but sadly a generational way of thinking. Teach her otherwise.

Pixxie7 · 15/09/2021 18:38

YourFinesPantaloons@ just intrigued at your ref about the 1950s?

butterpuffed · 15/09/2021 18:50

@Anastar23

Wrong but sadly a generational way of thinking. Teach her otherwise.
I don't think so. I was brought up in the sixties and my mother never said anything like that to me, never heard of anyone else's mother having the attitude we're being told about in the OP's first post either.
Ozanj · 15/09/2021 18:51

Where I grew up mums were pushing 10 yos to date 14-18 year olds and get pregnant by 13. So this is probably a step up. Similar type of dimwit Mum though.

AnnieSnap · 15/09/2021 18:52

@Ozanj

Where I grew up mums were pushing 10 yos to date 14-18 year olds and get pregnant by 13. So this is probably a step up. Similar type of dimwit Mum though.
Where on earth was that?
butterpuffed · 15/09/2021 18:54

@Ozanj

Where I grew up mums were pushing 10 yos to date 14-18 year olds and get pregnant by 13. So this is probably a step up. Similar type of dimwit Mum though.
Taking that with a huge pinch of salt !!
scarpa · 15/09/2021 18:58

@Luckyelephant1

Awful, but tbh it's exactly the sort of thing they used to write in preteen magazines like Mizz, Bliss etc in the 90's/00's in stupid articles about 'how to attract your hot crush' etc. Not an excuse for this mother but attitudes like this were so, so commonly hammered into girls heads not even that long ago Sad
A very good point. Depressing, but not surprising.
mathanxiety · 15/09/2021 19:01

I'm aghast, on both levels.

She shouldn't be encouraging flirting, and the 'advice' is frightening.

I hope the school will discourage this nonsense.

pigsDOfly · 15/09/2021 19:05

@prsphne

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

The child is 10 years old and doesn't need 'life advice' about how to flirt.

Neither does she need advice on how to be a simpering ninny.

pianolessons1 · 15/09/2021 19:07

I had my daughter and a load of her friends in the car at the same age when one of them came out with 'if you want to have a crush then you need to wear lots of makeup and not talk too much' - I was pleased to see all of the other girls roundly tell her that she was talking nonsense.

AuntMargo · 15/09/2021 19:39

Poor child, her mother is a disgrace.

calvados · 15/09/2021 20:04

Poor kid… it’s bad enough that there’s porn on tap on phones !

fuzzywuzzywombat · 15/09/2021 22:48

Future love island candidate
Awful

eastegg · 15/09/2021 23:11

Ugh, horrible. But I also don’t think it’s great that OP’s daughter described what was going on as flirting; I think that shows a sexual knowingness beyond what should be going on in a 10 yr old’s mind tbh. Although she’s probably just got the word from others. Pretty sure DS12 wouldn’t have known what flirting was in yr 6.

This sort of crap comes from all sorts of unexpected angles. My FIL, a really switched on, modern sort of GP in many ways, loves to have pictures of his prepubescent GDs in their swimming costumes/gym kits everywhere. He’s chosen all the full-body ones, not close ups. I don’t think anything super-pervy is going on, he’s just proud of their attractiveness in a way that makes me want to vom. He’s made comments about boyfriends from an early age as well.

CallmeBadJanet · 15/09/2021 23:31

@randocalrissian Its absolutely fine. After all, it is 1961, isn't it. 🙄FFS.

Mamanyt · 16/09/2021 00:38

SIGH...my mother was very like that, so many, many years ago. My Dad, on the other hand, gave me the advice I would carry all my life. "Sweetie, if they don't like you just the way you are, they don't like you, they like who ^they think you should be," and aren't worth your time.

Fraine · 16/09/2021 01:58

Yep a proto-type non-confrontational, people-pleasing girl/woman being gently hand reared there.

DanceItOut · 16/09/2021 07:21

Bit cringe and terrible advice. At that age it’s so innocent that other than saying something supportive if my daughter wanted support like “well have you talked to him about things you both like?” Or something very vague and basic like that I would not be giving flirting advice.

Macncheeseballs · 16/09/2021 07:25

I've never given or been given flirting advice in my life, but I'm not sure I've ever properly flirted either

Mothership4two · 16/09/2021 08:00

It is both weird, unhealthy and quite sad.

Some posters are doubting whether this was actually said. I think this is a pretty specific thing for your daughter to repeat.

It reminds me of the Harry Enfield sketch "Women, know your limits!"

boobot1 · 16/09/2021 08:17

@Mymapuddlington

It’s a bit grim but there are unfortunately mothers like this. I know one who is super proud because her year 6 daughter had every single boy in her year group as a boyfriend over the course of the year.
Now that is grim
boobot1 · 16/09/2021 08:21

@Ozanj

Where I grew up mums were pushing 10 yos to date 14-18 year olds and get pregnant by 13. So this is probably a step up. Similar type of dimwit Mum though.
That sounds terrifyingShock
Polkadots2021 · 16/09/2021 08:26

Well I raise my boys to know that men and women are both strong, and deserve respect. The one crush my eldest has is on the smartest strongest girl in class so I hope that attitude continues!

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