To find this mother's advice to her 10 year old DD faintly disturbing?

[randocalrissian]

My DD is in year 6 and, as is normal, there are the first stirrings of pre-teen romance among one or two kids in her year. All pretty innocent and harmless and we've chatted about it.

She told me yesterday one girl in her class is flirting a bit with a boy - think they're not even at the holding hands stage but its the talk of the town as you can imagine.

DD said the girl had said her mum took the girl aside and gave her some "tips" about how to flirt with this boy.

The one which stuck in my mind was "always be pleasant and smiley around him and laugh at his jokes. Don't say too much and don't hang out too much with the other boys".

I'm not sure whether to be more disturbed that this mum is basically preparing her pre-pubescent daughter for a relationship in such an overt way at this age or the advice that she should turn herself into such a wet discloth.

Is it just me or is this weird and a bit unhealthy?

OP, there are so many things wrong with this that I wouldn't know where to start.

Is it really "normal" for children in Year 6 to start this stuff? If so, I'm glad my children went to single-sex schools at that age.

My only comment would be that flirting - of any type - at the age of 10/11 is completely unnecessary. These are still just children.

I'm a bit aghast, really.

I know of a primary aged child, who wants to be a stripper. Parents own a “massage parlour”.

@prsphne

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

I mean or there's the treat 'em mean keep 'em keen. But not to sure you want to teach an 11 year old that tactic. 😂

I make men work for my attention, hasn't failed me yet. 😂

Sound advice for looking for a husband.

Every year in year 6, we have this. Perfectly normal -not so sure about the mother’s advice though!

I would.love to be a fly on the wall to witness the actual "mum's" attempts at flirting...the mind boggles

It is pretty shit advice - it’s not actually flirting advice because that’s really not how flirting works.

as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

I think it’s pretty awful - it’s perfect advice for attracting the type of man you shouldn’t want to attract. Some guy who needs his arse kissed and ego stroked all day long, no thanks.

Begs belief

I make men work for my attention, hasn't failed me yet. 😂

Equally as grim.

Ugh. Stop the world, I want to get off.

@UserEmptor

OP, there are so many things wrong with this that I wouldn't know where to start.

Is it really "normal" for children in Year 6 to start this stuff? If so, I'm glad my children went to single-sex schools at that age.

My only comment would be that flirting - of any type - at the age of 10/11 is completely unnecessary. These are still just children.

I'm a bit aghast, really.

It is totally normal for there to be a sort of "dress rehearsal" for romance in year 6. We were doing that when I was that age (in the eary 80s). It's harmless, innocent role play. I don't mean kissing or, God forbid, sex, just pretend girlfriend/boyfriend stuff. No harm in that at all, that's as old as the hills. And its just as likely to go on between kids at single sex schools TBH.

What bothered me about it was a) the very calculating "blueprint" for how to catch a boy and b) the suggestion that the way to do so was to basically erase your personality and needs and be a simulacram of a junior Stepford Wife.

Very damaging signals to send to a girl at that point of her life, I thought. I told my DD that as well.

@Grilledaubergines

I make men work for my attention, hasn't failed me yet. 😂

Equally as grim.

How so, better than fawning over them and stroking their male egos. You want to talk to me or flirt with me, you come to me, and make it worth while having my attention.

It's far easier for women, we can pick and choose what we want, who we want. No need to fawn over men. They love the chase to be honest. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

“I make women work for my attention.”

Awful switched around.

I’m not sure they love the chase. Not anyone worth having a relationship with.

It’s just all sounds a bit, well, TOWIE to me. And disrespectful.

“Didn’t happen of the Year Award”

In the fifties, I was a teenager and did not have many boyfriends (maybe none), but when I had a "date" one day, my mother made me (though I was absolutely ready to go even before he came) keep him waiting for a few minutes - I think to make sure I did not seem overly keen and also maybe so she could talk to him. This was how it was in the twenties and thirties when she was young, so she was teaching me what she had learned. So I figure that the mother in the posted story was doing the same - passing along her out-of-date wisdom.

@Grilledaubergines

“I make women work for my attention.”

Awful switched around.

I’m not sure they love the chase. Not anyone worth having a relationship with.

It’s just all sounds a bit, well, TOWIE to me. And disrespectful.

Depends what you are after I suppose. I don't want a relationship, why would I , I'm financially independent, have my own home and do my own thing. I wouldn't want to clutter it up with a relationship.

Online Dating has really changed the game. With multiple choices at your fingertips it's a minefield. I do feel sorry for those who online date actually looking for a relationship because I've no idea how that works! People just literally swipe on to the next person when they fancy a change.

It's depressing a mother would teach her daughter that whatever happens in her life the approval of a man will be one of her biggest achievements and she must use whatever means necessary to accomplish it.

@FOJN

It's depressing a mother would teach her daughter that whatever happens in her life the approval of a man will be one of her biggest achievements and she must use whatever means necessary to accomplish it.

Exactly this.

@YourFinestPantaloons

In the school I work in we had one mother put her year 7 DD on the contraceptive pill because she "fully expected that she was having sex or will be soon" the girl is very shy and introverted and I can't imagine why her mum would ever think for a second she was sexually active. And yes a safeguarding referral was made.

How did she access the contraceptive pill for a 7 year old. Was she using one she’d had prescribed for herself?

@prsphne

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

No, keeping quiet and smiley, breaking silence only to laugh in girlish glee at his jokes, while avoiding men other than the one who has Anointed Me With His Attention isn’t how I have ever flirted.

@AnnieSnap Year 7 not aged 7…

@prsphne

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

Including ‘don’t talk too much or spend much time with other boys’? As for smile a lot, shouldn’t a person just smile when they naturally feel like smiling?

[quote jellybellydancer]@AnnieSnap Year 7 not aged 7…[/quote]
Oops! Still, I can’t imagine many GPS would prescribe easily for an 11-year-old without the child saying she was sexually active. Maybe she went down the ‘needed to settle her periods’ route!

could be bullshit,or not..who cares?!there will be much bigger things coming your way soon enough at high school&the kids/you will have much more to occupy your mental energy with than this.