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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find this mother's advice to her 10 year old DD faintly disturbing?

107 replies

randocalrissian · 14/09/2021 19:27

My DD is in year 6 and, as is normal, there are the first stirrings of pre-teen romance among one or two kids in her year. All pretty innocent and harmless and we've chatted about it.

She told me yesterday one girl in her class is flirting a bit with a boy - think they're not even at the holding hands stage but its the talk of the town as you can imagine.

DD said the girl had said her mum took the girl aside and gave her some "tips" about how to flirt with this boy.

The one which stuck in my mind was "always be pleasant and smiley around him and laugh at his jokes. Don't say too much and don't hang out too much with the other boys".

I'm not sure whether to be more disturbed that this mum is basically preparing her pre-pubescent daughter for a relationship in such an overt way at this age or the advice that she should turn herself into such a wet discloth.

Is it just me or is this weird and a bit unhealthy?

OP posts:
FlumpsAreShit · 14/09/2021 19:28

It is disturbing if true but could just be this kid bullshitting!

FizzyDibdab · 14/09/2021 19:31

I can well believe it as there are some dim wit mothers in my dd's school who spout shite like this.

Hankunamatata · 14/09/2021 19:31

Wow

Mymapuddlington · 14/09/2021 19:32

It’s a bit grim but there are unfortunately mothers like this. I know one who is super proud because her year 6 daughter had every single boy in her year group as a boyfriend over the course of the year.

YourFinestPantaloons · 14/09/2021 19:33

JFC that's grim.

When did we suddenly regress to the 1950's?!

And yes a very unhealthy message, 10yo's shouldn't be encouraged to pursue romantic relationships

Etinox · 14/09/2021 19:34

🤦🏻‍♀️😳
See it as a great way of opening up a conversation with your dd

YourFinestPantaloons · 14/09/2021 19:35

In the school I work in we had one mother put her year 7 DD on the contraceptive pill because she "fully expected that she was having sex or will be soon" Shockthe girl is very shy and introverted and I can't imagine why her mum would ever think for a second she was sexually active. And yes a safeguarding referral was made.

ginnybag · 14/09/2021 19:36

Jesus, that's awful. It's no wonder women learn to tolerate abuse with messages like that coming from their nearest and dearest.

FizzyDibdab · 14/09/2021 19:37

One woman plastered pics on fb of her 6 Yr old posing in a bikini & martini glass with apple juice. She was posing very provocatively with her hips jutting out & lips pouting. Obviously coached by her stupid mother who put the caption "so proud of dd wearing her 1st bikini!"

There's so much wrong with that I dont know where to even begin. That image of her dd in a tiny bikini has been uploaded on a public platform.

DamnUserName21 · 14/09/2021 19:39

It's a damn travesty but internalised misogyny is alive and well in the 21st century.
I teach my DD differently-she was not put on this earth to 'smile' and pander to the opposite sex.

lazylinguist · 14/09/2021 19:40

God how depressing.

EatYourVegetables · 14/09/2021 19:41

There is a thread going currently about why people tolerate CFs and why can’t they just say no.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/09/2021 19:43

YANBU
A friend of my DDs mother was like that. The friend started her period aged 11 and her mother was constantly sexualising her daughter. She’d make comments about her breasts maturing, bought her padded push up bras, how sexy she was, how she should dress and wear heels and makeup to attract boys. At age 11!!

Well, that was a friend that we gradually disentangled our DD from. We have since moved hundreds of miles away but sometimes I wonder about DDs friend, poor girl, losing a good chunk of innocent childhood.

itsgettingwierd · 14/09/2021 19:44

Agree it's disturbing.

Not only she's encouraging her child to have relationships but the message on how to get a BG are wayyyyyyy off.

At this age they should just enjoy being with each other. The company and the special friendships that develop and remain into adulthood.

RuggerHug · 14/09/2021 19:45

Urgh. I can't even use words just urghhh

Luckyelephant1 · 14/09/2021 19:46

Awful, but tbh it's exactly the sort of thing they used to write in preteen magazines like Mizz, Bliss etc in the 90's/00's in stupid articles about 'how to attract your hot crush' etc. Not an excuse for this mother but attitudes like this were so, so commonly hammered into girls heads not even that long ago Sad

Justmuddlingalong · 14/09/2021 19:48

Are you sure it's your DD's friend and not actually your DD testing the water and looking for advice in a roundabout way?

prsphne · 14/09/2021 19:48

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

DamnUserName21 · 14/09/2021 19:53

@prsphne

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

Yeah, in the regency period.
whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 19:57

Both tbh shouldnt be encoraing flirting plus the laugh at boys jokes and dont talk to to other boys-i mean wtf

VaguelyInteresting · 14/09/2021 20:05

@prsphne

For a girl in infant school it’s fucking terrible advice.

The best flirting advice for a child is no advice. At all. Ever.

Original poster
randocalrissian · 14/09/2021 20:05

@prsphne

Not to be controversial, but isn't that how you flirt...

I mean, so long as she's not teaching her that she needs a boyfriend but I assume the girl "likes" the boy and so might genuinely find his jokes funny.

I was probably pleasant and smiley around my husband when I met him. (and entirely myself, but the most pleasant version of myself!). I don't keep it up all of the time now, but there is a bit of an 'art' to meeting people and making friends and being flirty until you have an established. relationship with someone.

I accept in isolation it's not great advice as it should be top and tailed with 'be yourself' 'don't change for anyone' and 'you don't need a boyfriend to be happy', but as far as life advice goes, it's not awful.

It's not how I flirt. I wouldn't want to be in a romantic situation with someone who wanted me simpering quietly in the background. I wouldn't be able to fancy someone who I thought wanted that from me or any other woman.

But the more material point to me is that at this absolutely critical part of these young girls' lives, when they are on the threshold of their teenage years and are about to spend their secondary education being railroaded by and minimised by and talked down to by boys, and therefore need all the balls and confidence they can muster, she's reinforcing the idea that the most important thing to do is to keep them sweet and let them have their way.

OP posts:
Borris · 14/09/2021 20:06

I think I went the other way with my dd when she announced that she'd told her (year 6) "boyfriend" what to do as 'girls are always boss in a relationship aren't they mum?' 🤣🤣. I did dial back a bit and say that really no one should be boss and both are equally important!

BoredZelda · 14/09/2021 20:07

As long as she isn’t saying it to my daughter, I’m fine with that.

FizzyDibdab · 14/09/2021 20:08

It's as if these stupid parents are grooming their kids to be the next towie/love island contestants. For some that's the sum total of their life's achievements, to be a plastic sex doll for an equally vacant & stupid partner. Not only do you have the dangers of online sexual exploitation, you've got some parents sexualising their kids as well.