Page 5 | Is anyone else finding having partner wfh all the time really difficult?

stilllovegeorge · 2021-09-14T17:45:28+00:00

I work 2 days at home and 2 days in the office. My partner works 1 day in the office. I am becoming increasingly resentful of only having 1 day at home alone. How do other people cope?

gannett · 15/09/2021 10:55

I hate the expectation that I have to cook a proper lunch every day. If he were WOH, I could have leftovers or something more snacky.

Surely this is a DP problem not a WFH problem. Why can't you have something snacky and why can't he make his own lunch?

(I had the opposite problem - DP is an amazing cook and would whip up lunches that were too delicious for me not to eat, but put me into more of a food coma for the afternoon than was ideal.)

I’m hating it too and for the purely selfish reason that one morning a week I like to collapse on the couch watching crappy tv and drinking coffee. Of course I can’t still do this with my DH in tbe house but I hate him seeing me iyswim

Why do you hate him seeing you chill out on the couch?!

MauvePinkRose · 15/09/2021 10:57

Comments like the above do show some people will just never “get it.”

Can’t you just accept she hates it?

gannett · 15/09/2021 11:01

Well I don't think she's lying, so I do accept she hates it. I'm curious as to why, because I can't fathom a relationship where I'm not relaxed enough to slob out on the couch if DP is around.

Camrette · 15/09/2021 14:30

I hate my do seeing me lazing around if he’s working because it doesn’t seem fair

nokidshere · 15/09/2021 14:46

I'm home alone today. Windows open, sun shining and best of all, total and complete silence. DH (retired) doesn't do silence, he's always fidgeting around with something. It's total bliss, I haven't moved off the sofa yet either.

DH is the sweetest, kindest, most helpful person. We have been together over 40 years. But to be in the house alone, with no noise and nothing to do is better than just about anything else. I feel a bit sad for those who don't understand the absolute pleasure of being totally alone for a short period.

Susannahmoody · 15/09/2021 14:49

Yeah, same. DH has now been called back to the office, only 1 day week, but still better than nothing. It's just a bit of time to myself.

Susannahmoody · 15/09/2021 14:51

I hate the expectation that I have to cook a proper lunch every day. If he were WOH, I could have leftovers or something more snacky.

^

After 18 months of 'what are we having for lunch??' from DH, this I can agree with.

I know what I'M having. You, I ain't so sure

TellySavalashairbrush · 15/09/2021 14:55

Some of the smug replies on here which hint that you are not a good wife by resenting your dh being at home all the time are ridiculous!
You can love someone, but still need time to yourself. I totally get you op. Personally I would go mad if I had to be with DH all day, everyday.

Techno56 · 15/09/2021 14:56

I also haven't been home alone since march 2020, not even for one day. My husband has gone to work a few times but only for an hour or two and I was also out at work. Previously I was used to having 1.5 days at home without husband or child.

There are many benefits (most of them I've only found now we've moved to a bigger house with an office so he's not working in the kitchen) but specifically the issues for me are

Absolute 80s on the radio 8-5 every.day. I can still hear it with the door shut. He needs background noise to concentrate, in the office that noise was colleagues and now there aren't any so radio on instead.

Even more annoying ..whenever I go to do something in the kitchen he turns up and wants/needs to be where I am because he needs to be quick and get back to work. It's like he subconsciously hears me and thinks oh yeah, the kitchen exists, I need food/a drink right now. Also the minute I find an hour to settle down to do something for myself (read or watch TV in between work, school runs, taking son to activities etc) he turns up wanting a cuddle. I just need some space. Don't see if happening any time soon though.

azimuth299 · 15/09/2021 14:58

The other thing I don't understand about these threads are the posters stamping their feet about needing alone time in "MY house". It's his house as well? Presumably he's paying for some or even all of it? If he's at work all day then comes home to family being around, when does he get HIS house to himself?

I've asked my DH this before, and he's said that he doesn't crave time alone in the house. If he wanted some I would facilitate it. And it's not stamping your feet to want time and space alone. It's not about who pays for the house, it's about what each person needs to guard their mental health.

nokidshere · 15/09/2021 15:13

The other thing I don't understand about these threads are the posters stamping their feet about needing alone time in "MY house". It's his house as well? Presumably he's paying for some or even all of it? If he's at work all day then comes home to family being around, when does he get HIS house to himself?

DH doesn't crave time in the house alone. His happy place is wild remote areas birdwatching or wildlife photography.

gannett · 15/09/2021 15:32

@azimuth299

The other thing I don't understand about these threads are the posters stamping their feet about needing alone time in "MY house". It's his house as well? Presumably he's paying for some or even all of it? If he's at work all day then comes home to family being around, when does he get HIS house to himself?

I've asked my DH this before, and he's said that he doesn't crave time alone in the house. If he wanted some I would facilitate it. And it's not stamping your feet to want time and space alone. It's not about who pays for the house, it's about what each person needs to guard their mental health.

To be clear, I enjoy time and space alone, and get why people crave it. The foot-stamping referred to the implication throughout this thread that this only applies to MN posters and not to their husbands, whose house it also is.

In fact when do they think anyone with an office job gets any time and space alone? In normal times most men and women commute (with others around them), work in an office (with others around them), come back to a house (with family around them). Entire days in a house all by yourself is not the norm - I say this as someone who very much enjoys them due to WFH.

Which is also where I'm coming from in a way. I WFH, before and after Covid. As a result DP rarely gets time and space completely by himself in the flat. I'd hate to think that my presence is pushing him to the edge in the way it seems to be for a lot of MN posters.

Wiltshire90 · 15/09/2021 15:34

I understand OP. We both do shift work on opposite shift patterns so I am used to my own space! For a few months at the beginning of the pandemic he was mostly working from home and I was still doing shifts. I think it drove us equally nuts

YouTubeAddict · 15/09/2021 15:54

I love it. Don’t you like your husband very much?

CandyLeBonBon · 15/09/2021 16:05

I haven't had time alone since feb last year. Eldest finished college and is home all the time, then full lockdown with all three of them, plus school hols and a decision not to see their dad means I'm never on my own. There's always at least one other body in the house all the time!

I crave my own company but it's up to me to find space for myself somehow. It's no one else's fault and it's their home too.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 15/09/2021 16:59

Depends on the set up.

At our old house it was a nightmare as he was sat in the open plan living area to work. So I was trying to keep kids as quiet as possible and it all felt very claustrophobic.

At our new house we have an office which is away from the main living area so he gets quiet and I can play with dc without worrying about noise.
On my days wfh we work in separate rooms so don’t get under each other’s feet.

azimuth299 · 15/09/2021 17:22

To be clear, I enjoy time and space alone, and get why people crave it. The foot-stamping referred to the implication throughout this thread that this only applies to MN posters and not to their husbands, whose house it also is.

Well you're probably only hearing from women who really value time and space alone because you're on Mumsnet! I don't think anybody has said that it only applies to the wives, and several people have said that they have asked their partner and he doesn't want time alone or craves company at the end of the day. If my husband wanted time alone in the house I would facilitate it. I wouldn't dismiss his wishes as "foot-stamping".

In fact when do they think anyone with an office job gets any time and space alone? In normal times most men and women commute (with others around them), work in an office (with others around them), come back to a house (with family around them). Entire days in a house all by yourself is not the norm - I say this as someone who very much enjoys them due to WFH.

It might not be the norm but it's fairly common. It's not the same if everybody is out all day because if nobody is living, eating, doing things in the house then it doesn't get messy so there is less to do. Plus there are always weekends if you need alone time but can't get it during the week.

Which is also where I'm coming from in a way. I WFH, before and after Covid. As a result DP rarely gets time and space completely by himself in the flat. I'd hate to think that my presence is pushing him to the edge in the way it seems to be for a lot of MN posters.

Well you could ask him if you're worried? Some people don't seem to want/need alone time as much as others.

MauvePinkRose · 15/09/2021 17:41

Since March 2020 DP has:

Been to the office once to collect a mobile phone (august 2020)

To the dentist (august 2020)

Went to collect a Christmas tree from his mum and dad (about a two hour round trip - November 2020)

To give his mum a Mother’s Day card and gift (March 2021)

To the pub with his mate (april 2021)

Away with work for a night (May 2021)

To a barbecue at a mates house (June 2021)

Out cycling (last week)

That’s IT.

I defy anyone not to be feeling smothered in that situation!

CandyLeBonBon · 15/09/2021 23:11

I'd hate to think that my presence is pushing him to the edge in the way it seems to be for a lot of MN posters.

I find this phrase troubling. The way you phrased it is either insinuating that people who have said they struggle with a lack of emotional space are drama queens, even though, understandably, people are different, working patterns have changed, and stress can manifest in all sorts of ways that we hadn't, until now, realised, or it's suggesting that you don't care what your partner feels about you working from home because he either needs to put up or shut up?

Either way, it lacks empathy.

fluffyatemycake · 15/09/2021 23:23

It's not ideal. My husband works for a University and summertime has been awful as he's not had a lot on (students all gone home) so he's just like...hovering all the time! I'm working fulltime from home and don't want him popping in and out for a chat all the time. I'm busy. He's been back in the office fulltime for the last 2 weeks and it's been awesome. Things have returned to normal for him workwise which is good news to me. I'm now the only one at home and I'm so much more productive

echt · 15/09/2021 23:46

When posters say they have a couple of days/weekend to themselves because OH is working away, no-one suggests they don't much like their OH.

Both WFH surely has the capacity exacerbate the need for time alone.

billy1966 · 16/09/2021 12:43

I find it extraordinarily obtuse that when a poster expresses the wish for a bit of alone time, some posters will inevitably need to ask "do you not love your husband?, I do".
"I love being with him, every minute of every day"🙄.

I love my husband of 30 years to bits and we have had a long and very happy marriage, but we both certainly enjoy a bit of space.

During the lockdown my 4 lazy kids😊 never went to bed before 1am and got up before 1pm when they were off school and college.
Between those hours the house was so busy with everyone milling around and mooching.

I would deliberately have a long lie in at the weekend, to give him the peace of downstairs on his own as he is an early riser.

He loved it.

Would happily bring me coffee in bed.

I certainly wouldn't think he doesn't love me from this, just that most people appreciate a little down time on their own, at home, to potter.

Very, very, normal, and was mirrored in EVERY single conversation with friends during and since the lockdown.

Deeperthantheocean · 27/01/2025 15:11

Yes I feel selfish saying it but i don't like it either! I leave the house at 7.30 am and get home about 5.30pm and do feel resentful and envious he can stay at home and can have easier days when it's not busy. On my day off I would love to have the house to myself and not have to be quiet for meetings, keep dc quiet etc. Plus the expense means double for heating, kettle constantly on, electricity. He insists on working downstairs next to the kitchen so literally in the way. I do feel guilty it irritates me! Xx