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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone else finding having partner wfh all the time really difficult?

123 replies

stilllovegeorge · 14/09/2021 18:45

I work 2 days at home and 2 days in the office. My partner works 1 day in the office. I am becoming increasingly resentful of only having 1 day at home alone. How do other people cope?

OP posts:
IvorHughJarrs · 14/09/2021 22:15

The snarky comments about "liking my DP" are missing the point (but in true MN form, some just can't resist the cheap shot).
I like my DP very much, we've been married a long time and still get on well but I have always had a couple of days a week at home alone and find, like others, that I had a certain routine, space for me and things got done that kept the home, family and my week running smoothly.

Both of us working from home was bad enough but DP took early retirement recently and I am slowly losing my sanity. I used to get the house clean and tidy then could have a short time to relax, read, meditate, etc but now, the house is no sooner done than it is carnage again. He starts re-organising things but then abandons stuff that he doesn't know what to do with and it sits there until I sort it. If I have a friend round for coffee he pops down "just to be sociable"
It might sound like nothing to others but the sudden disruption to routine, the lack of time to myself and the feeling that the house is no longer "mine" is driving me berserk

trilbydoll · 14/09/2021 22:15

If DH is wfh when it's my day off I feel I have to justify my existence. But equally I'm trying to stay quiet. Neither of these are actually necessary, he doesn't care what I do and he's shut away in a room, so it's all in my head! He's going back to the office on Fridays now though just to make me happy Smile

Titsywoo · 14/09/2021 22:16

I also need alone time. I don't get it regularly anymore but I do make sure every Thursday evening when DH is doing his hobby I go to bed with snacks and watch my TV programs for 3 or 4 hours. I'm not home alone but noone bothers me. DH has been going out for dinners with friends a fair bit recently too so I get the evening alone (we do have kids but they are teens so I barely see them once they disappear to their rooms!). I also go away for 2 nights once a year to get some breathing space - just on my own but I love doing it.

I used to work part time and had 2 days a week to myself to clean/do errands etc. Now working full time in an office with DH (our own business that took off during lockdown 1) so things have changed a lot. I'm used to it now but I understand how you feel OP.

Empressofthemundane · 14/09/2021 22:21

Yes OP, yes.

I desperately want my husband to leave the house. I love him dearly, but he’s becoming a tedious bore. His life has become very narrow during COVID and he needs to get out and about!

vixeyann · 14/09/2021 22:25

I don't think you are unreasonable. I would feel the same if my DH didn't have his unit and worked at home. I really enjoy the day and a bit I get without anyone else being around and usually wanting something! It doesn't mean you don't like them, just that you really appreciate being alone sometimes and the inner peace it brings!

Comedycook · 14/09/2021 22:28

I can't stand DH WFH...I'll be honest. I find it really hard to get on with housework when he's around. I'll clean the kitchen then he'll wander down and make a coffee...then I'll clean the bathroom and he'll have the cheek to use it. Then he wants lunch. I feel like I'm under a microscope. I love my own space

DeepaBeesKit · 14/09/2021 22:30

I like having DH home. He's recently returned to the office more and it's worse for me wfh without him home.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 14/09/2021 22:33

I find it hard OP

There are weird restrictions, for example I can’t have radio 2 on in the background as DH hates it, and I have to make lunch for him (if we “do our own” he stands there looking at mine snd saying he quite fancies what I have and is it enough for 2)

If I go to the bedroom to work there, maybe do a conference call he always just then needs to get changed so I have to look “business” whilst positioning the laptop in such a manner my DH in his pants does not wander into view

If we had a study I’d be fine, but we only have the kitchen/living room area or the bedroom

Really tiny tiny small things that give me rage Grin

Fairyliz · 14/09/2021 22:38

I don’t like to say this but just wait until they retire and are under your feet 24/7. Sad

Original poster
stilllovegeorge · 14/09/2021 22:43

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Have you actually spoken to him about having your own hours in your own space?
Yes I asked him could he go into his office ( 5 mins away) one more day so we have 2 days each. He said no which I thought was pretty selfish.
OP posts:
gannett · 14/09/2021 22:44

I'm still confused as to why people feel they can't have their own space when someone is elsewhere in the house.

Yes I know having the house to yourself completely is a bit different and I enjoy it as much as anyone, but it's perfectly possible for DP or I to just take ourselves off into a different room if we want to be alone for a bit. And we give each other that space if the other needs it. I don't feel unable to play the music I want, sing along, swear out loud if annoyed, or whatever MNers feel too inhibited to do if their DP is in the same house.

Summerfun54321 · 14/09/2021 22:48

@gannett maybe you have a bigger house with better acoustics. If my DH is on a work call at home, there’s not a single place I can be in the house where I can’t hear him. We have a small house, with no designated office space and the acoustics are terrible.

Original poster
stilllovegeorge · 14/09/2021 22:50

@nokidshere

Ignore everyone who is saying you love your husband less because you want some time alone, they are talking rubbish.

Any other thread on here about partners results in cries of 'stop living in each other's pockets' 'he is entitled to a life' 'you are entitled to some space' 'you are needy being together so much' and other such shit.

Most homes are not set up to be permanent workspaces. Most couples do not, and never wished to, spend every waking moment in the same space. There's a reason that many couples get divorced when they hit retirement age. Or that many firms run retirement courses to prepare people.

Needing space and time to oneself if totally normal. But at least you have one day a week, just try and make the most of it.

For the record, we have been together for over 40yrs, married for 35 and retired for 3. The last 3 have been the most challenging in all that time. When you carve out a life between 6pm and 8am, and two days at the weekend (plus holidays of course) it's a bloody big shock to the system to find yourselves together all the time regardless of how much you love each other. Being in a pandemic might give you a glimpse into your future 😁

Maybe that's what scaring me! (Last sentence.)
OP posts:
gannett · 14/09/2021 22:56

[quote Summerfun54321]@gannett maybe you have a bigger house with better acoustics. If my DH is on a work call at home, there’s not a single place I can be in the house where I can’t hear him. We have a small house, with no designated office space and the acoustics are terrible.[/quote]
We have a very small flat with fairly terrible acoustics tbh. Hard to describe the layout but if one person requires total silence then the other (if playing music or also on a work call) has to go to the far end of the flat. That works out fine though. Most of the time it doesn't matter if we can half-hear each other playing music, talking or doing kitchen stuff. If I'm on a work call and he drops a frying pan one room away I'm not bothered tbh. If he's on a work call and he can hear background music he's not bothered either. Can't turn it up as loud as I would usually though.

MumW · 14/09/2021 23:07

I'm sorry you feel this way but you've no idea how relieved I am - I thought it was just me.

DH is WFH full time and it doesn't look likely to change any time soon or ever.
I feel as though I can't take a breath without him noticing. I would've given my right arm for him to have dWFH when the DC were little. He might have seen how much hard work it was being with the DC and that it wasn't swanning around do not much at all.

If he was shut in his office and we weren't aware he was there it would be fine but it isn't.
Comments on what he thinks I should do, moaning about the noise, grunting if I go out (in an I'm working but you're having fun kind of way)...

I've tried telling him how I feel but he just doesn't understand and I always come away feeling IBU.

I've spent 20 odd years running around after the DC and facilitating his sport and now the youngest has gone to Uni, I thought I'd have a little bit of freedom and it would be 'my time' for a while. However, I now feel guilty for doing a few small things for me.

hufffflufff · 14/09/2021 23:10

OP, if this were me and I had a garden I would build myself a little escape hole in the garden - a summerhouse or shed affair with a TV, laptop table, radio and little heater for when it's cold.... and escape away to have alone time all week! Sadly, I live in a flat... and do not have a partner :( But can't wait to get my summerhouse... :)

MumW · 14/09/2021 23:11

Being in a pandemic might give you a glimpse into your future 😁

Maybe that's what scaring me!

^This, in spades.

Although, having said that, when we are both retired, we will be on a level playing.

Flickerofhope · 14/09/2021 23:16

stilllovegeorge Yes I work nights and partner has been working from home since first lockdown, I would love to just have the house to myself at least once a week.

BoredZelda · 14/09/2021 23:17

I haven't had a day at home alone since before March 2020. But I don't mind because I actually like my husband.

Same here, pretty much. It’s nice to sit and have lunch with him.

azimuth299 · 14/09/2021 23:20

@gannett

I'm still confused as to why people feel they can't have their own space when someone is elsewhere in the house.

Yes I know having the house to yourself completely is a bit different and I enjoy it as much as anyone, but it's perfectly possible for DP or I to just take ourselves off into a different room if we want to be alone for a bit. And we give each other that space if the other needs it. I don't feel unable to play the music I want, sing along, swear out loud if annoyed, or whatever MNers feel too inhibited to do if their DP is in the same house.

I think your house must be bigger than my flat! There isn't room for us to spread out or give each other space really. Would you really play music and sing while your DP was trying to work? I would think that that would be inconsiderate, rather than feeling uninhibited.
Beebopawhop · 15/09/2021 06:02

@AWellReadWoman

Haven't had a day at home on my own since last March! My DH really needs to go back to the office, I have fantasies about having time on my own and being able to just sit and do nothing without an inquisition into why I'm doing nothing!
Yep. Feel the same and sods law that when he's In the office I also need to go into my place of work! Grrrr
CeeceeBloomingdale · 15/09/2021 06:08

It drives me mad. We have a very open plan house and when he is on a call or teams meeting I can't move around freely. Nor can I have friends around as there's no door to shut him behind. I'm am introvert and love my own space.

TolkiensFallow · 15/09/2021 06:14

I hear you op.

Draineddraineddrained · 15/09/2021 06:29

Aaaargh I am so dreading going back to work (from home). Currently on mat leave while DH wfh from his desk on the landing 😬 he's amazing about it but it is a pain. And once I'm WFH too it will be truly horrific as the spare room that was my "office" from march 2020 will now be DD2's bedroom. Where tf am I going to work?? We'll be constantly in each others way, I'll feel like I'm camping out the whole time wherever I am because it will be "family space".

We bought this house because it was walking distance from the office too 😭 fucking Covid.

Draineddraineddrained · 15/09/2021 06:33

We don't even have the option of going back to the office - our company have told as all non-customer-facing staff will be WFH from now on for good. They have created a "flexible workspace", but that has space for 4/10 staff so you have to book and are "strongly encouraged" not to do so for more than 20% of your FTE.

No budget provided for adapting home environment appropriate for WFH.

I know lots of people are loving this but for me it's shit. We bought a home, not an office, I've lost the social side of work, and yeah I love my partner but I don't want to be in the same space as him all day every day.