Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give son "his" savings

114 replies

Comingup · 14/09/2021 16:54

17 year old and is currently trying to find a part time job to fit round college. I have saved a few thousand pounds towards a car or travel etc for him. He's been taking it out in dribs and drabs increasingly regularly and has nothing to show for it. I've found out he's smoking weed. He is aggressive and demanding Igive it to him when he asks as it his " his" money, and I havent restricted his siblings access to theirs ( who have used it for legit things). Why on earth should I facilitate his habit? Or should I just let him squander it and hope he learns a lesson when there's none left.

OP posts:
BSideBaby · 14/09/2021 21:59

I wouldn't give him another penny for now OP. Outrageous of him to expect you to fund his habit.

If I could turn back the clock I'd change the way I originally saved for my DD because when she was sixteen she was able to access savings I'd made for her in a junior bond. She used the money to buy herself a new bedroom carpet. I wasn't sure if I should be proud or disappointed.

Notaroadrunner · 14/09/2021 22:22

@Comingup

Well pretty unanimous, I was expecting maybe some MNetters to tell me it's his cash etc. I've tried talking to him. I've told him it's for driving lessons and a car, which he accepts and says he won't drop the balance below a certain amount.But in the meantime he is insisting on withdrawal of a tenner or twenty pretty much every day, and it can't be going anywhere else but on weed. He basically laughs in my face,says its normal and every single teen does it which I damn well know isn't true. He's highly aggressive when told no and calls me all the f## s you ever heard. He talks to other siblings same as well if they try to step in, and then makes fun of me that they have intervene. The more I write the worse it sounds. It is worse. Wtf can I do.
Wtf can you do? You can say no to any more transfers, be that £10 or £100. Tell him the bank of mum is closed until such a time as he grows up, learns to respect you and his siblings, finds a job and is ready to settle down. Fuck the driving lessons. I wouldn't pay for them now. Do not transfer a single penny again.
NoSquirrels · 14/09/2021 23:30

@Comingup

Sorry PP must have missed saying, it's £7k and I have scrimped and saved for it living in second hand clothes, economising wherever I can to try and give them a head start. I've not minded that,it's been my choice. What I do mind and am gutted about is that instead of it being a great thing to have done, it's backfired massively
WTF you can do is tell him this.

DS, I went without to save this money towards a new future for you.

I won’t let you waste it.

When you’re ready, come back to me with a plan for the money.

Until then, it’s my money not yours.

He will hear you. He will resent you and possibly hate you short-term but long-term holding the line will be absolutely invaluable and he’ll appreciate that eventually,

Flowers
JinglingHellsBells · 15/09/2021 09:33

Maybe you need to talk to someone professional @Comingup

Giving your son money which is being spent on drugs is enabling his habit.

You say it's weed but who really knows what he's using. £100 a week is a lot of money to get through.

His anger and moods may well be a result of the drugs he's using.

Apart from the money, have you talked to him about his drug use or the people he's mixing with?

Original poster
Comingup · 15/09/2021 09:36

Yeah I have spoken to him, all his mates use it and he adores them, won't hear a wrong word and he is tremendously loyal to them. I have an appointment with my gp soon as its affecting my MH and tried the Frank service but tbh they weren't very good.

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 15/09/2021 09:53

Tell him you are keeping it to pay for rehab if he continues the way he is.

QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 11:21

Cut off the money supply now 🌸

SMabbutt · 15/09/2021 11:56

I bet all his mates, aren't having their drug use funded by a mum who has sacrificed so much to save for their child's future. Tell him what sacrifices you made in order to save the money and that you did to help him have a secure future. You did not scrimp and save to fund him taking drugs and living it up. The money is being held until it can be used for the purpose you intended and he will not be receiving any more cash from you. If he gets aggressive tell him he can either accept your rules and behave in a civilised manner or leave and live how he chooses with no input from you. That neans no nagging or restrictions but also no support for his chosen lifestyle. Say it and mean it. You have done incredibly to save do much for him. You love him and want the best for him do don't throw all your hard work and sacrifice and his chance of a financially secure future away by giving in to him.

GettingItOutThere · 15/09/2021 12:51

stop giving him any money!
if he speaks to you like that and spend it on weed tell him to get out.

Not even joking, child or not I would not be spoken to like that and he would not be givena penny of the money until he speaks to you with respect

i have kids!!

Bollindger · 15/09/2021 14:16

Ask he if he wants to go to the Police and say he is buying drugs.
Tell him what he is doing is illegal, so what if all his mates use it, would he drink wee if they did?
As to the money, tell him that as of now it isn't his.
That you will when he gets to 20 , match any savings he has made upto 5k. but this is your only offer, as you refuse to be his supplier.

Holskey · 15/09/2021 14:28

I'd literally start fining him everytime he asks for money for stupid stuff. More if he's nasty.

"Oh you want to spend my hard-earned money on that crap? I might as well spend £50 on this nice top given that I've gone without nice tops in the past just to save this money. You've nothing useful to spend it on.... Oh, you're angry. Well I might as well spend another £50 seeing as though you're not grateful anyway."

I'd absolutely stick to it as well.

1FootInTheRave · 15/09/2021 14:51

He is a nasty little prick.

He'd get no money from me until he was a damn site more mature and a decent human.

londonrach · 15/09/2021 14:55

That's why my dd savings are in my DH and my name...we both in agreement it's for house, car or for example needed something educational we couldn't afford like a musical instruments. No way it's your money as in your name.

QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 15:10

@Comingup

How are you managing OP.. are you okay 🌸

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread