Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give son "his" savings

114 replies

Comingup · 14/09/2021 16:54

17 year old and is currently trying to find a part time job to fit round college. I have saved a few thousand pounds towards a car or travel etc for him. He's been taking it out in dribs and drabs increasingly regularly and has nothing to show for it. I've found out he's smoking weed. He is aggressive and demanding Igive it to him when he asks as it his " his" money, and I havent restricted his siblings access to theirs ( who have used it for legit things). Why on earth should I facilitate his habit? Or should I just let him squander it and hope he learns a lesson when there's none left.

OP posts:
mobear · 14/09/2021 19:22

I wouldn't give it to him if I was you. My DS isn't even one yet but this is why I put his savings in Premium Bonds. If he doesn't grow into a sensible teenager/ adult, I'll move it before he gets access to it and save it for when he really needs it.

myheartskippedabeat · 14/09/2021 19:23

I have 2 kids and step children and my partners ex always saved all the child benefit for them and so
We
Did the same with my children's it's adding up nicely in premium bonds I won't tell them about until they are a lot older

whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 19:25

He sounds really ungrateful id move it nto a long term saverings account that noone can touch for another year and then look at this again

52andblue · 14/09/2021 19:27

following with interest

JinglingHellsBells · 14/09/2021 19:33

I think the wasting of the money is the least of the issues.

Get help to tackle his drug problems.

I know it's debatable but weed can lead to harder drugs.

You need to help him get help to kick the involvement with drugs and the sort of people he's mixing with.

JinglingHellsBells · 14/09/2021 19:34

£100 a week sounds a very serious drug habit.

Autumngoldleaf · 14/09/2021 19:46

If you can control it I would promptly remove it and put it in an account until he is 25.

Depends how much it is. At least half... Put away until 25.

Autumngoldleaf · 14/09/2021 19:49

Op how much is it?

1000?
If so I'd give him 500 on the cast iron condition that the other 500 goes away until he is 25.
(invest it though... Don't let it sit flat)
If he hassles you for it.. You spend it, as its your money

Then he has 500 to blow.. Loose and that's it.

By 25 he should be more mature.

VestaTilley · 14/09/2021 19:54

No, don’t give him anymore. He won’t learn any lesson- he’ll just blow it all and smoke more weed.

If he asks why tell him because you know he’s taking illegal drugs, and because you are not going to give in to his aggressive behaviour. He’s way out of line.

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 14/09/2021 20:01

This is exactly the reason I've put my DD and DS money in an account in my name and I won't even be mentioning it to them. It will be mine and DH money and we will gift them some money when the time comes ie, car, mortgage deposit etc. But under no circumstances is it their money. It's mine to do as I please, I have just put it aside with the intention it's for them. To be honest he knows about the money now, and will only think your being unfair if his siblings have had theirs, so I'd probably just let him waste it at this stage and let him know when it's gone, it's gone and stick to it. It's not worth the arguments if you were going to give it to him anyway.

longtompot · 14/09/2021 20:14

I would tell him the money is his for buying a car, so until he is ready to buy a car, he won't be getting another penny. The money is yours. It's in your name and it's money you have earnt and saved up.

UserEmptor · 14/09/2021 20:33

As for bloody bastarding weed: not a chance. Been there, done that. Just say no, OP.

Original poster
Comingup · 14/09/2021 20:33

Well pretty unanimous, I was expecting maybe some MNetters to tell me it's his cash etc. I've tried talking to him. I've told him it's for driving lessons and a car, which he accepts and says he won't drop the balance below a certain amount.But in the meantime he is insisting on withdrawal of a tenner or twenty pretty much every day, and it can't be going anywhere else but on weed. He basically laughs in my face,says its normal and every single teen does it which I damn well know isn't true.
He's highly aggressive when told no and calls me all the f## s you ever heard. He talks to other siblings same as well if they try to step in, and then makes fun of me that they have intervene.
The more I write the worse it sounds. It is worse. Wtf can I do.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 14/09/2021 20:39

Just tell him it's gone. There is no more.
You need to break this dependency on you for money before his habits turn to something other than weed if they haven't already. Make sure everything you have is protected from him. Hide you bank stuff, change your passwords. Make sure he cannot access anything.

Autumngoldleaf · 14/09/2021 20:44

Op is there a reason you can't say the rough amount?
Aplogies if it's already mentioned.

I'd compromise with him and stick to boundaries over it.

He simply won't be driving yet or buy the lessons for him.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 20:44

Change the Narrative OP..

it's NOT his money...

NO daily cash to him
NO min balance decided by him
NO rules about this money

it's NOT HIS MONEY 🙄

Tell him this is done... He's been a Dick using drugs.. He forfeited any help from you 🌸

Starface · 14/09/2021 20:46

I totally agree you just have to say no. Do not withdraw from him on a daily basis. Retake your parental authority. Point out he is doing his mental health no good at all.

As well as the "you will only get this when you have an identified acceptable purchase planned" or the "its mine now", you could put it in a pension for him. Then it's his but he can't access it until much much later. And if he is an eejit with money, it may help him avoid an entirely impoverished retirement. You need to open it for him and put the money in before he is 18 though. A punishment that is also a gift. And point out he gets 20% free money from the government straight away. Watching it grow may be an incentive to change his attitude?

Autumngoldleaf · 14/09/2021 20:46

If you suddenly decide that he can't have any more I think he would see the red mist and go crazy... He won't see it as fair. Which is why, depending on how much is there you should reach a compromise and then stick to it.. So he doesn't feel hard done by but equally he knows that's it no more and serious consequences if he badgers you for more.

Fraine · 14/09/2021 20:52

The amount of people telling OP she should compromise and negotiate with the abusive little shit is depressing.

OP, he don’t give him a penny. He lost the money the first time he told you to fuck off.

CatsArePeople · 14/09/2021 20:54

Sounds like he needs help with drug use.

Original poster
Comingup · 14/09/2021 20:58

Sorry PP must have missed saying, it's £7k and I have scrimped and saved for it living in second hand clothes, economising wherever I can to try and give them a head start. I've not minded that,it's been my choice. What I do mind and am gutted about is that instead of it being a great thing to have done, it's backfired massively

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 20:59

@Fraine

The amount of people telling OP she should compromise and negotiate with the abusive little shit is depressing.

OP, he don’t give him a penny. He lost the money the first time he told you to fuck off.

Agreed

Grilledaubergines · 14/09/2021 20:59

Get the money out and spend it on something for you and make sure he knows about it.

Lockdownbear · 14/09/2021 21:19

Op you scrimped and saved for it. Definitely don't let him blow it up against the wall.
I'd look at long term investments for it, I'd possibly consider the Lifetime ISAS that can be used for a house deposit. They have amazing interest but are tied to certain things.

IvySneezes · 14/09/2021 21:40

Stop this now. It’s your 7k to do with as you wish. He’s treating you abusiveky and drug taking. No more money until both of those change. If he’s nasty to you over it - well no change there so he can suck it up buttercup. Grow up = get cash. No maturity, no money to go up in smoke.

If you give him this money now you risk him thinking his ways are ok and him blowing all your hard work quickly with nothing to show.

If you hold it back until he grows up or changes, you just might do him the biggest of favours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread