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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give son "his" savings

114 replies

Comingup · 14/09/2021 16:54

17 year old and is currently trying to find a part time job to fit round college. I have saved a few thousand pounds towards a car or travel etc for him. He's been taking it out in dribs and drabs increasingly regularly and has nothing to show for it. I've found out he's smoking weed. He is aggressive and demanding Igive it to him when he asks as it his " his" money, and I havent restricted his siblings access to theirs ( who have used it for legit things). Why on earth should I facilitate his habit? Or should I just let him squander it and hope he learns a lesson when there's none left.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 14/09/2021 17:34

I think it's time to give the 51yo their cash now Grin

Kiduknot · 14/09/2021 17:36

Ours was in our name to give when we chose.

littlefireseverywhere · 14/09/2021 17:38

Keep hold of it, he really will thank you for it when he's older.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/09/2021 17:40

Nope your kids a twat

He's 100% going to come back to you when he's 25 and say why did you let me

I have a twat like this

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 14/09/2021 17:41

@shapes1

My sons are only very young (3 and 51) but I immediately thought to put their savings in my name so I can choose when to hand it over. As my mum trusted me and she shouldn't have as I blew it all at 19 which I regret now
I think the 51 year old might be ready now?
fuzzymoomin · 14/09/2021 17:43

It's not his money though is it. He didn't save it, you did. It's your money that you have saved with the intention that it can be used to treat him or benefit him in some way. Smoking weed isn't a way.

Lovemusic33 · 14/09/2021 17:44

It’s your money is it’s in an account in your name?

I think you have 2 choices…

You stop giving him any of the money or…

You give him all the money, when it’s gone it’s gone and he can’t ask for any more? But then you will have to be really tough and not cave in giving him any extra.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 14/09/2021 17:44

Fuck that shit. No way would I be letting mine have money to spend on weed, not a chance!

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 17:45

If his siblings only used it for major purchases, ask him what he wants to spend it on. If it's not something you're happy to buy for him with the money, then you're using the same metric for them all, which makes it 'fair'.

tttigress · 14/09/2021 17:49

As interest rates are so low, is there really an advantage to having a junior ISA? (I guess they might pick up at a later date) seems better to have the savings in your name.

Original poster
Comingup · 14/09/2021 17:50

Thanks all. Yes just to clarify, I have absolutely gone without to try and save for them, and was so proud of myself. If I'd have known he would behave this way I'd never ever have told him. Its iny name, he can't get it at all without me transferring it and the amounts are getting ridiculous, like £100 in a week, on nothing ( except of ourselves now I know its weed). I could cry, as I've been a single mum on a low wage, and thought it was amazing that I'd done this, but it's made him hate me.

I did say it was his money, but ffs not to fund a drug habit.

OP posts:
Driftingblue · 14/09/2021 17:56

The money I am saving for my child is for educational expenses only. If there is anything left after that it can be used for a big purchase like a house down payment or added to a pension fund. It absolutely can’t be spent on little things. I actually put it in a restricted trust to prevent that sort of thing.

Islamorada · 14/09/2021 17:56

Wait until he is older to give him the savings. Hopefully this is just a phase.

AmyDudley · 14/09/2021 18:02

I would let him know that he can ask for it when he has shown for some time he is responsible enough to use it sensibly - and pissing it up the wall on weed isn't sensibly.
And I would point out that if he gets aggressive towards you, it will make you think he is even more immature and even less likely to hand over money to him.

It is money you have saved for things to advance him in life - travel, car, driving lessons, education etc. Its never been just money for frivolous spends and his siblings only had theirs for specific purchases.
And if he's not prepared to accept that then the money reverts to you and you can have something for yourself for a change.

I hate it when I hear of boys getting aggressive to try to force female (or sometimes male) parent to give them their own way. They wouldn't try it elsewhere, but they assume they can get away with it because you won't call the police on them.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 14/09/2021 18:02

My 2 step sons inherited money but it was in a trust until they were 25. The oldest could have had it at 18 and would have been sensible with it but the youngest would definitely have blown the lot on crap.

Thankfully, by the time he was 25, the youngest had grown up a lot, had ditched his loser buddies, and got himself a job with a large company and has worked his way up and now earns a 6 figure salary.

I think you need to tell your DS that you’ve decided to invest the rest of the money into a long term savings account that can’t be touched for 10 years and wait for him to mature. He’s only 17 and he might be a nightmare for another few years but I bet he’ll be a completely different person by the time he’s 25.

Melroses · 14/09/2021 18:04

The only savings my DC had access to were the accounts where they had saved birthday money and pocket money.

The money I had saved to cover the uni fees (ha ha - they were tripled twice over so pissing in the wind there) I gave them after A levels to make sure they didn't have any cash-flow problems with loans/rent etc.

Fingers crossed this will pass.

There are lots of jobs around atm and he needs to try for one.

mellicauli · 14/09/2021 18:12

I guess you've got to talk him through it. Computer says no won't wash.

He doesn't understand how hard it is to save a substantial amount of money and pay for the basics in life: talk him through every penny of your household expenditure, what's left and changes happen when he leaves education (e.g no child benefit etc) which means he will have to work.

He doesn't understand how he will need large sums for - talk him the future and the things he'll want to do: drive, travel, flat deposit an

He also doesn't understand the personal and societal problems that drugs bring - lots of good films about that

Tell him you'll review the decision again when he's 18.

Anordinarymum · 14/09/2021 18:13

Definitely no money if he smokes weed. Not now, not ever. Can't say it any other way. Weed is a killer of young men especially if they smoke skunk. It ruins young lives and destroys families.
Be strong.

Notaroadrunner · 14/09/2021 18:15

@Comingup

Its in my name, he has to ask for it to be sent to his account.
No way would I give him another penny until he's older and in a more responsible position. He doesn't get to 'demand' anything from you.
Marcee · 14/09/2021 18:16

Yup.
I'm not getting a junior Isa for this reason.

All their savings in my nam3

CantBeAssed · 14/09/2021 18:17

I was actually doing the calculations (3 from 51=48) now that's an age gap...🤣🤣🤣

diamondpony80 · 14/09/2021 18:20

It's YOUR money that you earned, and you had some specific ideas about what the money was for. So no, I definitely wouldn't be giving it to him.

DS17 has an account where he's saved a few thousand of his own for a car and to go abroad next year. He worked hard for it and while he still goes out and enjoys himself, he respects the money more because he earned it himself and looks after it.

Hold on to the money you've saved for him for when he comes to his senses - like for a house deposit or something else he needs money for down the line. If you withdraw access to your money he might work harder to find a job, and once he's working hopefully he'll realise money for things like weed isn't that easy to come by.

Notaroadrunner · 14/09/2021 18:22

@Comingup

Thanks all. Yes just to clarify, I have absolutely gone without to try and save for them, and was so proud of myself. If I'd have known he would behave this way I'd never ever have told him. Its iny name, he can't get it at all without me transferring it and the amounts are getting ridiculous, like £100 in a week, on nothing ( except of ourselves now I know its weed). I could cry, as I've been a single mum on a low wage, and thought it was amazing that I'd done this, but it's made him hate me. I did say it was his money, but ffs not to fund a drug habit.
Ungrateful brat! It's your money - you just had it in your mind to give it to him. You are entitled to change your mind about that. I'd tell him that you have decided to spend the money on yourself now and let him sod off. Then either do spend it on yourself or hang on to it until such time as he will spend it wisely.
OddBoots · 14/09/2021 18:28

This is not me saying you should give him the money, I agree you have every right not to and I wouldn't in your shoes but it's worth at least trying to have a good conversation with him about the drugs, to get a feel for if he is likely to turn to criminal behaviour to obtain them without this money, and if he is already in any kind of debt for them.

Fraine · 14/09/2021 18:29

Tell him the money is in my name, I earned it and it belongs to me and that it is completely up to me if I want to give my children any money.

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