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Original poster

To not give son "his" savings

114 replies

Comingup · 14/09/2021 16:54

17 year old and is currently trying to find a part time job to fit round college. I have saved a few thousand pounds towards a car or travel etc for him. He's been taking it out in dribs and drabs increasingly regularly and has nothing to show for it. I've found out he's smoking weed. He is aggressive and demanding Igive it to him when he asks as it his " his" money, and I havent restricted his siblings access to theirs ( who have used it for legit things). Why on earth should I facilitate his habit? Or should I just let him squander it and hope he learns a lesson when there's none left.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 14/09/2021 18:30

@DeletedByAccident I'll stand correctedSmile

Apparently they can take control at 16 but not withdraw until 18. Still too young in my opinion. I knew another young adult who blew his savings (not sure if it was a child trust or JISA) on Xbox games.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 14/09/2021 18:39

No way would I let him have it.
I wouldn’t even feel bad.

NewlyGranny · 14/09/2021 18:41

This is a heartbreaker. You scrimped and saved and slaved and he hates you for not letting him blow it on dope. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would turn off the supply immediately and set some conditions. Tell him you are thinking of the future him and how he will blame you for letting him squander it and have nothing lasting to show for it. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 years and how those funds could help.

Tell him that money is your sweat and blood and you can't bear the pain if watching him dribble it down the drain.

Why not call a 3 month moratorium while he seeks a job and sorts himself out and tell him that every single time he asks you for any money for any purpose or even so much as mentions the money in that account, you will transfer £100 from it to your own separate savings, because it's yours and you worked for every sodding penny of it. Get angry, get tough, get fierce.

He will thank you, I promise. Could you rally the older ones round to talk about how they used theirs and the difference it made to them?

User57327259 · 14/09/2021 18:43

When parents and grandparents etc put money away for a young child there is no knowing how that child is going to turn out, whether they will be studious and sensible or wild and frivolous. They could even be under the control of a grabby partner and friends.
If they are showing a lack of money sense the best thing to do is not to allow them access to the money set aside for them. I am a strong believer that money should be earned even if it is in the form of a gift from parents and grandparents. Everyone works too hard and saves for someone else to fritter that money away. Another issue is that having money makes them a target for unscrupulous people. The young people also have to learn to treat family money as a confidential matter and not tell friends.
It happens in a lot of families. Often when a person is vulnerable such as a single parent, elderly or ill pressure is put on that person to give large sums of money.

SpilltheTea · 14/09/2021 18:45

I wouldn't give him any more. It's not his money and you have every right to change your mind. I wouldn't feel bad in the slightest.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 18:46

Remind him that it's not his money.... it's your money you saved to help Him purchase things in the future... oh and You've changed your mind about helping him now.

You have no Savings Kid.. Your Mum on the other hand....

shapes1 · 14/09/2021 18:47

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit oops I meant 1 not 51 lol

KingdomScrolls · 14/09/2021 18:50

DSs savings are in my name for this reason and he won't be told about them. When he reaches the right age, and he needs a first car the money will be there, rental deposit it will be there, wants to go traveling a bit etc (unlikely to be enough for a house deposit), but that's our money we've saved for him and I'm not having it pissed away by a teenager.

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2021 18:50

If it’s truly in an account in your name - not a savings account with his name on it that you are a trustee of - then it is your money to do as you wish with.

I’d be really clear - DS, this is money I have saved for you to spend on driving lessons or something I can see the benefit of. It’s not ‘yours’ to do 100% what you like with. If I don’t approve I won’t transfer the money.

Tough if he doesn’t like it.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/09/2021 18:51

I save money for my DS and when he's asked for some of it to buy some random crap thing saying 'it's my money' I've made it perfectly clear that it's not. It's money I saved for something valuable for him. It's mine until he decides what he wants to do with it.

Harryfrog12 · 14/09/2021 18:52

If its in your name transfer it into one of them accounts you cant touch for 5 years and tell him he can have it all then not before

Mindymomo · 14/09/2021 18:59

One thing I wished I had not done, was to tell my Son I had savings for him, not that he squandered it, but he kept on about it all the time. Money my parents gave when they died went into their savings, but again, I wished I’d given it when I wanted him to have it, like you I saved for over 18 years and he just took it for granted that he could spend it however way he wanted. In the end he got a new PS and I used the rest of the money to pay for his first car.

MouseholeCat · 14/09/2021 19:01

It's in your name so ultimately you control it. 17 is old enough that you can talk plainly to them. Tell him you worked extremely hard to save money for your children in difficult circumstances and you did that so it could go towards something constructive.

Be clear that your hard work does not go towards funding a weed habit.

flippertyop · 14/09/2021 19:02

I also didn't do a Junior Isa for this reason. I don't intend to hand it over until they are 21

feelingfree17 · 14/09/2021 19:02

Tell him until he can make better life choices he won’t be getting any money. Why should you give your hard earned money away to someone so ungrateful and entitled.

Ikeptgoing · 14/09/2021 19:05

@MojoMoon

If it is not in his name, it's not his money.

It is your money you intended to give to him but have the right to change your mind.

This ^^

No parent voluntarily funds a drug habit
You saved it up with the intention of helping him to buy a car or another big item if appropriate. He doesn't get to fritter it as it is in your name and up to you whether you pass on money to him or what for. If you do decide to.

Ikeptgoing · 14/09/2021 19:07

Yes, if you saved all that money (& besides any savings he had from other people must have been spent by now at £100/ week!) then it's up to you how it is spent. Even after he is 18 as it is your savings you have pencilled in that he may get. It's not his money.

UserEmptor · 14/09/2021 19:08

OP, you are being completely reasonable. My youngest has a Child Trust Fund account (she was the only one who qualified, as the others were born before they came on the scene). So far as she knows, she has precisely a tenner in her 'savings' account (having squandered the rest of it, because I let her have access to it). There's no way I'm telling her about the £2,400 in the CTF account. When the letter came around her 16th birthday, I intercepted it and made myself the signatory for another two years.

She would blow the entire thing on a big night out followed by an Uber Eats order of 2,400 Macdonalds mozzarella dips, if she knew about it.

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 19:10

Tell him tonight OP...

it's NOT his money... and stop giving him your savings..

fufulina · 14/09/2021 19:11

Slightly different perspective - I was broke when a student and young adult and it’s remarkably easy to spend other people’s money - I got into lots of debt. I then inherited some money at 27 but in I wish I had had more choice options at 18. I worked from 14, all through university which was good for me, but things like deposit for flats, cash flow between jobs, choice to take take out or intern - none of these felt like options for me.

I have got JISAs for my girls. I figure whatever happens it’s a good age to learn the lesson - that having a sum of money gives you options and frittering it is deeply unsatisfying. I frittered myself into debt.

I hope they will use it as I intend - to give them choice. But if they don’t - so be it.

Bollindger · 14/09/2021 19:13

This is so weird as on another thread a mum has saved for her child and wanted to use some to pay a debt and save about £4000 over so many years, people said she was steal from her child.
Your not by the way,
Move it to an account in your name and tell him that it will be for a car and only a car, and if he wants to get a job and waste his wages, then he can do that.

Whammyyammy · 14/09/2021 19:14

Id tell him he's not having the money you have saved to feed his drug habit

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 19:16

@Bollindger

This is so weird as on another thread a mum has saved for her child and wanted to use some to pay a debt and save about £4000 over so many years, people said she was steal from her child. Your not by the way, Move it to an account in your name and tell him that it will be for a car and only a car, and if he wants to get a job and waste his wages, then he can do that.
that was so weird.. because she was penniless and going hungry.. shocking

I really think people don't read beyond the Headline sometimes...

girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 19:19

@Bollindger

This is so weird as on another thread a mum has saved for her child and wanted to use some to pay a debt and save about £4000 over so many years, people said she was steal from her child. Your not by the way, Move it to an account in your name and tell him that it will be for a car and only a car, and if he wants to get a job and waste his wages, then he can do that.
She wanted to use money in an account in her child's name to pay off her own debts.

You'll see the first question many posters here have asked is whose name the moneys in.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/09/2021 19:22

Don't give him it. You may have saved it to help him, but it is YOUR money - and you have every right to specify what a gift of money may be spent on.

If you say - "Here's £5,000. I saved it for you", he can spend it on what he wants

If you say - "Here's £5,000, I saved it for you to buy a car with" then it is a conditional gift (as I understand it) and he cannot spend it on anything else.

Stand firm - you are going to have a bumpy ride from him for a while.