AIBU to think my DH is lazy WRT his family and I shouldn't feel guilty?

[ILoveAutumnShowers]

A couple of years ago I decided to take a step back from my in-laws. Since I met them 28 years ago they, well MIL mostly and they do what she says, have been very rude and unkind to me. My MIL has constantly told me I am not part of the family, despite being the mother of her only DGC, and has gone out of her way to openly put me down in front of others. She once told me that it doesn't matter what I do, say, or look like because I am nothing to do with her or her family and it won't reflect on her, as everyone knows I am a nobody. One of the reasons why she does this is because she seems to see me as a serious threat to her and her DD's for some reason, which I really don't get.

Luckily I have a wonderful, loving and confidence boosting family of my own so I have not had to revert to counselling as a result .

After quite a few years of this and trying to get her onside, she'll like me when she gets to know me, etc. I gave up. I have taken small steps back over the years, but about 2 years ago I just decided that I can't be arsed with this anyone and I took league boots steps back. So now I facilitate nothing, I refuse to cancel what I am doing if they want to meet up, I don't buy them presents, I don't do their cards and I no longer facilitate meet-ups or days out or phone calls. I am not rude or nasty, I just resigned from the wifey work. After all, I am not family and I am crap at everything, right?

The AIBU is that my DH does nothing. He doesn't buy cards, presents, etc. He waits for me to arrange Sunday lunches and I don't. He waits for me to offer to host Christmas and Easter etc. and I don't. As a result, we have not seen his sisters for 18 months. That is fine by me, but there is fallout from it. MIL is not happy she rarely sees us gets the opportunity to lay into me, upset if she doesn't get a card and last Christmas she was really upset because I usually buy really thoughtful Christmas presents and do a stocking for everyone, but she asked for some towels and that is what she got, some towels in a plastic bag.

So, AIBU to think that my DH is really lazy when it comes to his family and it is not my problem. I know I shouldn't give a shit, but I am pretty sure that "it's all my fault" and they are blaming me and for some strange reason I feel guilty for treating someone like this. However, I was a nice DIL and SIL and they just threw it back in my face.

FYI my DH also does NOTHING for my family. In fact, I think he may recognise my mum and dad if they walked past him in the street, but they wouldn't recognise anyone else. He hasn't seen my brother, who lives 15 miles away from us, for 5 years.

You need to remind yourself that you are not being a bitch for disengaging from people who have been so so nasty to you for 28 years.

Your husband is a weak man when it comes to his family, he's also not nice for not bothering with your family. I bet he doesn't feel at all guilty for making no effort with them.

Did you not tell your DH exactly why you stopped all the nice presents? Surely you could have an honest conversation with him about how his parents treated you?

Shocking you put up with it for so long. I’d have stopped years ago!

@ILoveAutumnShowers

The mental image of Mils towels stuffed in a bag made me laugh so, so much.

You're a legend Op. Absolute legend. Please don't ever stop being awesome.

And no don't feel guilty for a sec. Legends don't do guilt.

I can't believe you lasted 28 years of abuse

Op.. If this was a friend treating you this way would you put up with it or eventually end the friendship?

We don't fall in love to be then attacked by our loves family.
I didn't marry to get abused!

So many of us run around getting stuff for our dh family.. The granny is the only one we really speak to now and with her it's still me prompting dh to send flowers, cards, etc but he's quite reluctant!
I'm quite adamant for her however because she's the only nice family member who actually says nice things to him and us and takes an interest.
The rest I stopped bothering for long ago.

I was taught to accept gifts graciously.
Handing over gifts to Mil.. Wow.. Always some barley surpassed displeasure.

The year I stopped dh got her a v nice actually scarf... But like op it was still in its plastic 🤣.. Which she noted with a sneer. My dh had tried.
So cruel. I would have loved it with wrapping..

You absolutely are doing the right thing in taking a step back. I had to do this recently and it was the best decision I ever made.

I also have a wonderful, confidence-boosting family of my own.

However, I also had the guilt. The only thing that helped me with the guilt was counselling. A third party, a stranger, to talk me through it and help me accept that none of this was my fault. That I couldn't change my inlaws and shouldn't try. That I can't spend the rest of my life blaming myself.

I know you said you haven't needed to go for counselling, but just a few sessions may help to shift the guilt - which you absolutely should not be carrying. You will find it helps you get to indifference, and that will set you free x

It gets spouted on here occasionally but it is so true if you can bed it down and accept it, it is life changing.

"We can't change other people's behaviour, we can only change OUR reaction to THEIR behaviour".

This is so freeing in life.

It can take away guilt and upset because you are accepting that you have no control over them.

All you can do is live your own best life.

There is a certain amount of ego involved with thinking you can change others behaviour IMO.

Accept who they are OP and live your life.

I feel for you though being so long in a marriage with someone like your husband.

He really doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

Stick to your guns. You don't need these vile people in your life. Any kind of relationship is a two way street - you're not getting this here. It has so far been one way - from you. Stuff them.

I'm staggered that you tried for so long too! The guilt will go. Stick with it.
No, I don't think your DH is lazy based on your OP. Your MIL /inlaws sound vile - why should your DH make any kind of effort with them when they've been so hostile to his wife? People like that won't just direct this at one person. He probably just doesn't like them that much either. That's ok.

I want to stop feeling guilty, but I do. I don't think you should treat your MIL like this,

Where does this belief come from. Did you have an unhappy childhood and had this dream of a loving extended family caring for each other.
Because her behaviour is intolerable and imv shouldn't be an example that your DCs are seeing. I also had a desire for close family, but I think it was instigated by DM always talking about how lovely it was we all got on so well etc. I now wonder if she did not get on with her older DSis, so she was trying to resolve her own issues by dumping them on us. Now we are old(ish) I am only close to one sibling.

Examine your feelings and try to work out the reasons for your tolerating this. It's easier then to form a plan to deal with it.

I think I do perhaps need some counseling. This thread has been very helpful as well.

I think what is stopping me from reaching indifference are my feelings. I've mentioned guilt, but even more so I feel really resentment and angry inside and I actually hate them. How unhealthy is that? I also think my guilt is not necessarily directly linked to them, I think it is guilt at having to deviate from my normal chilled persona and treat someone in a lesser way than I would normally. I do know it is their own doing.

I know my DH is coming across badly and if there is one bone of contention in our marriage it is his inability to stand up to his mum. He and his siblings are terrified of her. At least he got away! We have had some very serious arguments about her in the past and he gets very defensive. I get nowhere so I no longer get angry about them, I just try not to hear about them by not asking, and I make small plans so I don't have to deal with them. So, for example, I work every Sat, so I'm not spending 2 hours on a Sunday rounding up my DC on a Facetime call, where they don't even speak to me, but I have to be there or I am deemed rude, so I asked my DH to be the one to call them on a Sat when I am at work as I am too tired on a Sun and want to chill out. All done with a lovely smile. Also, I only have Sundays off at the weekend so I am not spending it traipsing around, I want to relax and have a nice family day, so he needs to go see his parents on a Sat when I am at work. Smile, thanks, darling.

Me not doing anything is working. I haven't seen my SIL's for a year. Bliss.

Stircrqazy,

My family isn't perfect but they are a nice bunch. I have quite a large family. I get on really well with my siblings and WRT their partners, I have never had a bad word with any of them. We are not best buddies, but they are my sibling's partners, parents of my nieces and nephews, and are deserving of respect. If I or my siblings said anything horrible to a partner that would go down very badly all around. We just don't slag each other off, it's just not done, even if we think it. In a way, perhaps I feel guilty at slagging In-laws off. But then, my family have never done anything to really piss me off. At worst we will call each other out by saying "stop being a silly/nasty/stroppy/tight bugger" and that is the end of it.

I would recommend counselling too OP (I had it - and I ended up talking about in-laws a lot, which surprised me. DH had counselling by proxy. Different MO to yours but net result the same). It can take a long time to work though but I'm glad I stuck with it.

I used to be consumed by FOG (as was DH). Looking back now I can't believe it went on for so long. I had several years when I could see/understand it was there and I shouldn't feel guilty but still did and really resented all the ruminating. I didn't think it would ever go despite all the counselling...but it did.

When you get to the point where you aren't organising your work around avoiding being 'deemed rude' by people who have treated you appallingly...because you just don't give a shit what they think and barely give them a second thought...that's a good day.

Well done OP for being open to the idea of counselling.

You have self awareness so would definitely benefit from finding out where the gift comes from.

Everyone can feel a sense of guilt at enforcing boundaries but when you think it through and remind yourself, "I made an effort, I treated them kindly and with respect, I gave them the chance to treat me with respect.
They haven't so fxxk that, All bets are off".😂

There is no guilt when you do this.

Your husband is caught up in the FOG for Fear,Obligation, and Guilt, but has tried to drag you down with him.

Well done for trying so hard to pull away.

But to have such a huge thing between you must be hard and to know that your husband is terrified of his mother and can't stand up to her must be complicated for you to witness.

Irrespective of your marriage I think you would hugely benefit from knowing exactly where that guilt has originated from if not from your own family.

I suspect it comes from your husband conditioning you over the years, but who knows!

Why do you care if she’s upset? Why do you care if she blames you- she sounds like a bitch? I would be very glad that he’s organising nothing, it makes it less likely that you’ll have to see them. Maybe he’s also decided that they’re not worth the effort. Not your monkey not your circus. I’d drop it completely and not even mention it to him, if he decides never to send another card in his life it’s his prerogative.

Also FWIW I get on we’ll with my partner’s family but I have never brought them birthday presents etc- it simply never occurred to me that it would be my job. I don’t know their birthdays! My partner buys stuff and I put my name on it. He also does all the Christmas stuff for his own relatives. But they are nice people!