AIBU to think my DH is lazy WRT his family and I shouldn't feel guilty?

[ILoveAutumnShowers]

A couple of years ago I decided to take a step back from my in-laws. Since I met them 28 years ago they, well MIL mostly and they do what she says, have been very rude and unkind to me. My MIL has constantly told me I am not part of the family, despite being the mother of her only DGC, and has gone out of her way to openly put me down in front of others. She once told me that it doesn't matter what I do, say, or look like because I am nothing to do with her or her family and it won't reflect on her, as everyone knows I am a nobody. One of the reasons why she does this is because she seems to see me as a serious threat to her and her DD's for some reason, which I really don't get.

Luckily I have a wonderful, loving and confidence boosting family of my own so I have not had to revert to counselling as a result .

After quite a few years of this and trying to get her onside, she'll like me when she gets to know me, etc. I gave up. I have taken small steps back over the years, but about 2 years ago I just decided that I can't be arsed with this anyone and I took league boots steps back. So now I facilitate nothing, I refuse to cancel what I am doing if they want to meet up, I don't buy them presents, I don't do their cards and I no longer facilitate meet-ups or days out or phone calls. I am not rude or nasty, I just resigned from the wifey work. After all, I am not family and I am crap at everything, right?

The AIBU is that my DH does nothing. He doesn't buy cards, presents, etc. He waits for me to arrange Sunday lunches and I don't. He waits for me to offer to host Christmas and Easter etc. and I don't. As a result, we have not seen his sisters for 18 months. That is fine by me, but there is fallout from it. MIL is not happy she rarely sees us gets the opportunity to lay into me, upset if she doesn't get a card and last Christmas she was really upset because I usually buy really thoughtful Christmas presents and do a stocking for everyone, but she asked for some towels and that is what she got, some towels in a plastic bag.

So, AIBU to think that my DH is really lazy when it comes to his family and it is not my problem. I know I shouldn't give a shit, but I am pretty sure that "it's all my fault" and they are blaming me and for some strange reason I feel guilty for treating someone like this. However, I was a nice DIL and SIL and they just threw it back in my face.

FYI my DH also does NOTHING for my family. In fact, I think he may recognise my mum and dad if they walked past him in the street, but they wouldn't recognise anyone else. He hasn't seen my brother, who lives 15 miles away from us, for 5 years.

No we don't spend my birthday with MIL. She just doesn't acknowledge it, but makes a massive fuss of everyone else's.

They all actively go out of their way to tell me I am not family.

For example. My MIL was really angry that her relatives saw things on my Facebook that she doesn't know about. Some of her nice relatives have FB friended me, and I accepted. However, MIL and SIL's do not want me included in their social media as, and i quote, I am "not family, not blood. I am nothing to them so why would I be on their SM?"

When I was younger I used to get really confused about the stuff they said and there was a lot of gas lighting. So, whenever I pulled them up I was told that I was twisting their words and trying to cause trouble. Now I don't argue. I just can't be arsed. I have reached indifference. I just still feel guilty and I wish I didn't. I don't treat anyone else like this in my life.

You don't need to have anything to do with them so have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.

Your DH sounds pretty useless if he makes no effort with your family either.

What's he like with you and the kids?

What does your husband do when his family are saying things like that to you? If he doesn't very actively tell them to STFU then I'd be having a problem with him as well.

Sounds like the DH is avoiding them too (don't blame him from what OP has said they're like)

FYI my DH also does NOTHING for my family. In fact, I think he may recognise my mum and dad if they walked past him in the street, but they wouldn't recognise anyone else. He hasn't seen my brother, who lives 15 miles away from us, for 5 years.

I'd be looking sideways at the DH too. It sounds like he's all me, me, me. You are being totally reasonable to say no more when it comes to his family. Why should you do more for his than he does for yours? You wouldn't BU to have stopped doing things for them even without what you said about DH and your family, but nah. Leave him to it. It sounds like he and his family deserve each other.

I'm guessing he never, ever stood up to his mother when she was belittling you.

Would you let your family (parents, any siblings, etc) treat your husband the way his family have treated you? Of course you wouldn’t, as it is disgusting and cruel.

Why does your DH even have contact with them if they treated you this way? The first time they said something so callous and spiteful as “you aren’t family”, would have been the last time I had anything to do with them at all.

Your guilt is wasted on them - do you imagine they have felt one drop of guilt for all the hatred and toxic cruelty they have dumped on you?

Do not waste another second of your life even thinking about them, let alone feeling guilty. You deserve better.

Don't go on the next visit for her Ladyships birthday.

DH can sort himself out.

The reason I posted here is that it is my birthday next week and I end up getting stressed out about it because I know I will not get a card and it kind of spoils it for me that someone is actively being PA towards me on my one fucking day I get to have a nice time IYSWIM. I am a bit sensitive!

Don't let it spoil your day, the sentiments in the card wouldn't be genuine even if they bothered to send one. Enjoy the cards you will get from people who do actually value you.

I don't think my DC are going to join in on going up to see them sitting on their sofa for 6 hours whilst MIL talks about herself and it will just be me and DH and what I want to do now is to be able to say to my DH that Ia m busy and he should go see HIS parents on his own, as I do.

Don't go to their house at all, why would you? They don't want you there. Your children have seen through them, take your cue from your children they don't think their mother should be treated so badly so don't subject yourself to it.

Please stop feeling guilty, you've done all you can they've thrown it in your face, do nothing for them at all - no cards, presents, etc., don't speak to them or visit them, don't waste your precious time on people who are not worthy of it.

Your husband's relationship with his parents is his to manage.

I honestly dont know why youve bothered for so long-even dc can see how badly they treat you

Let him get on with it if they dont get presents refer them to their relative which as theyve made clear isnt you

@Dozer

YANBU.

Wouldn’t have been unreasonable to stop the ‘wifework’ even if your in laws were perfect!

Your DH’s family: his relationships to manage.

Has HE argued or implied that you should have continued to do X, Y and Z for him/his family? If so, would address that with him.

What has he decided as regards his family relationships?

Wouldn’t worry about what the in laws think of you.

But of course if your in-laws are perfect, then it’s not really wide-work, it’s just buying presents and organising get togethers with people you like.

That is what it’s always been like with my in-laws- I’ve bought nice presents for my MIL because I love her and she’s always done the same for me.

I totally agree there is no duty towards your in-laws. If they are unpleasant to you, there is no obligation to go the extra mile for them.

Well done to you for saying you will step back and let your husband lead and sticking to your guns. No point doing all those lovely thoughtful things like presents and stockings if his family can’t be decent towards you and respectful. For your birthday I would have an extra sweet or alcoholic treat so eat or drink when you think of their negativity. Happy birthday in advance !

Step back completely and don't engage. At all. Tell your DH if they are commenting on you that you don't want to know. Start thinking that their lack of interest in your birthday means you can have a lovely day without even thinking about them. Don't feel guilty, feel free of their toxicity.

I want to stop feeling guilty, but I do. I don't think you should treat your MIL like this, but honestly, some of the things she has said to me are just cruel.

Well I don't think you should treat your DIL like shit but she does, so you can let go of that guilt.

Your DH should have stepped in a long long time ago.

DH and I are both fairly low contact with his family, and we back each other up.
I wouldn't facilitate anything for your DH, if he doesn't care why should you.

Sounds like your kids have the measure of the in laws, op. Chuck the guilt in the fuck it bucket and concentrate on the people who love you.

YABU to give them a second thought. Don't expect a card, don't send them cards, and leave it up to DH to manage his own relationship with them.

Don't spend energy thinking about them and certainly don't go and visit them. I can understand why you did make an effort while the kids were young but really you shouldn't be hurting yourself over them any longer.

I do think it's poor of your husband not to stand up for you but family dynamics can be very strange and hard to turn around.

Move on, enjoy spending your bday with people who do care for you and don't you dare feel guilty about cutting them out - MN opinion has been unanimous!

I did the same with my bil and sil. (Dhs brother). 15 years and counting

Just go no contact with them, and let DH visit by himself whenever he wants to. I would extend this to you not visiting to celebrate their birthdays, or have them in your home/visit them at Christmas. Just don't do it. I would also tell DH that he is solely responsible for remembering their birthdays/Mother's Day etc and let him get on with it. No need for you to remind him.

Why would you feel guilty? There seems to be an idea out there that after marriage, the wife now has two families and the husband none. I don't subscribe to this at all. My in laws are lovely but I have never considered buying them presents or sending cards or organising gatherings. If my husband chooses to do that, great, if he doesn't, that's his choice.

Your MIl has told you you are not part of the family and you are nothing to do with her. Sounds like your SIL have said similar, you are not family you are not blood.

So why would you go bother organising things for someone who's not family? Why would you go sit in the house of someone who is nothing to do with you?

You shouldn't feel guilty for a decision that wasn't yours. It is your Dhs family who have said what they've said and treated you this way, it is their actions that have lead to this.

If your DH wants to see his family so be it, but no way would I be going and no way would I be facilitating the relationship. If they blame you, so be it its not your problem.

Could it be that your DH doesn't bother sorting cards et al or visits as he doesn't like the way his dm treats you? Could this be his way of saying its not on?

Op your not alone ,I refuse to do anything or have anything todo with my partners dm..
She's made it clear she doesn't like me ,I'm not good enough etc.so I don't bother .
I'm happy and it drives her mad .

OP is your MIL from a distinct culture?

My in laws are not the warmest towards me and it is primarily due to that I am from outside their culture.

Maybe he feels the same way as you and doesn't want to see them - how does he react when you don't do these things as you have said it bothers your mother in law?

You haven't "reached indifference" though, OP.
If you had, the lack of acknowledgement from them on your birthday, wouldn't bother you.
I can't believe it's taken you 26 years to get to the stage you're currently at.
God loves a trier, and you've certainly tried.
Time to sod 'em, methinks.

Absolute massive hypocrites, to tell you you're not family and then expect you to behave as if you are. 28 years of this you've had, heck, you'd get less than that for murder. Never mind guilt, you should have a bloody medal.

However, I do think it says well of you that you feel guilty. It proves you know the right way to treat a fellow human being. Thing is though, you're not treating them badly, you're simply declining to interact with them, which is your absolute right. Being much nicer than me, you'd probably still chuck a bucket of water over them if they were on fire; but as they're not on fire, save your water, they have made it quite clear they don't need it. And enjoy a more peaceful life.