AIBU to think my DH is lazy WRT his family and I shouldn't feel guilty?

[ILoveAutumnShowers]

A couple of years ago I decided to take a step back from my in-laws. Since I met them 28 years ago they, well MIL mostly and they do what she says, have been very rude and unkind to me. My MIL has constantly told me I am not part of the family, despite being the mother of her only DGC, and has gone out of her way to openly put me down in front of others. She once told me that it doesn't matter what I do, say, or look like because I am nothing to do with her or her family and it won't reflect on her, as everyone knows I am a nobody. One of the reasons why she does this is because she seems to see me as a serious threat to her and her DD's for some reason, which I really don't get.

Luckily I have a wonderful, loving and confidence boosting family of my own so I have not had to revert to counselling as a result .

After quite a few years of this and trying to get her onside, she'll like me when she gets to know me, etc. I gave up. I have taken small steps back over the years, but about 2 years ago I just decided that I can't be arsed with this anyone and I took league boots steps back. So now I facilitate nothing, I refuse to cancel what I am doing if they want to meet up, I don't buy them presents, I don't do their cards and I no longer facilitate meet-ups or days out or phone calls. I am not rude or nasty, I just resigned from the wifey work. After all, I am not family and I am crap at everything, right?

The AIBU is that my DH does nothing. He doesn't buy cards, presents, etc. He waits for me to arrange Sunday lunches and I don't. He waits for me to offer to host Christmas and Easter etc. and I don't. As a result, we have not seen his sisters for 18 months. That is fine by me, but there is fallout from it. MIL is not happy she rarely sees us gets the opportunity to lay into me, upset if she doesn't get a card and last Christmas she was really upset because I usually buy really thoughtful Christmas presents and do a stocking for everyone, but she asked for some towels and that is what she got, some towels in a plastic bag.

So, AIBU to think that my DH is really lazy when it comes to his family and it is not my problem. I know I shouldn't give a shit, but I am pretty sure that "it's all my fault" and they are blaming me and for some strange reason I feel guilty for treating someone like this. However, I was a nice DIL and SIL and they just threw it back in my face.

FYI my DH also does NOTHING for my family. In fact, I think he may recognise my mum and dad if they walked past him in the street, but they wouldn't recognise anyone else. He hasn't seen my brother, who lives 15 miles away from us, for 5 years.

Wouldn’t have been unreasonable to stop the ‘wifework’ even if your in laws were perfect! absolutely this!! I get on fine with my inlaws but in 35 years have never taken on any of the "wife work". I honestly don't understand why only those with a vagina are capable of organising cards and presents. Why do women do this to themselves? Stop feeling guilty!

What sort of a marriage have you had with a lazy, selfish man from a horror of a family?

All this effort on your part driving your non existent self esteem into the ground and your children now have zero interest.

You badly need intensive counselling to figure out what has caused you to put up with this bullshit from his family.

I so hope your children haven't witnessed this throughout their lives as it is so awful.

Stop thinking of his family.
Stop giving them your head space.

Tell your husband you will never be in his mothers/sisters company again and live what is left of your life in peace.

Tell him you will NEVER be visiting them again.
End of.

Why would you want to be thinking of them?
They are absolutely NOTHING to YOU.

Focus totally on getting counselling asap.

Your birthday will be much nicer without a card from them! Its a shame you don't have nice in laws but you don't. Let that go along with the responsibility.

I'm interested in your husband's behaviour. My first thought was that he's avoiding his family as he finds them as unpleasant as you do, but then you said about him being as detached from your parents as them. Other than yourself and your children, would you say he has a relationship with ANYONE else (relatives, friends, colleagues)?

What discussions have you had with him about how his family treat you? You must have had discussions about them?!?

"I don't think my DC are going to join in on going up to see them sitting on their sofa for 6 hours whilst MIL talks about herself and it will just be me and DH and what I want to do now is to be able to say to my DH that Ia m busy and he should go see HIS parents on his own, as I do."
I'm gobsmacked that you still see them. Under what circumstances, since he's clearly not arranging it? Do they invite you? And yes, busy or no he can go on his own. Or not at all if that's what floats his boat. You should be keeping them at bargepole distance at least.

"My MIL has constantly told me I am not part of the family, ... She once told me that ... I am nothing to do with her or her family"
"They all actively go out of their way to tell me I am not family."
And that's all I would have to say on the matter if they bitched about me not being there/not facilitating. 'I am nothing to do with you or your family, so this has nothing to do with me.' Not that they'd get the chance to bitch to me, since I just wouldn't be anywhere near them.

And obviously, ditch the guilt. That you feel guilty shows that you are a nice and normal person, maybe even a bit of a people pleaser since many would have told the lot of them to fuck off long since. They don't deserve any consideration from you or yours. They're horrible.

Don't understand why you find it an issue. It's his family and his problem. You don't need to be friends with everyone. I would revert everything to do with his family back to him. They comment on not seeing you to you: talk to your son. Don't buy them any presents at all. I mean what's wrong with you? Your DH is a grown man he should be able to deal with it.

Why the fuck does your husband think you're going to arrange Sunday lunches, host Christmas and sort out presents when they treat you like they do? What has he said about it all? Why doesn't he see your parents?

Even if your MIL was a nice person who you got on with, it is still your DH's responsibility to maintain contact with HIS family.

Holly60 It’s still unnecessary ‘wifework’ if done for friends/family of a DH, even if you like the people a lot!

I like my DH’s family and friends and they’re nice to me/the DC. It’s still his job, not mine, to maintain his relationships, facilitate time for people with our DC, buy and sort out cards, gifts, organise meet ups. I do that for my ‘side’ of the family and friends.

if i were you, i would be brutally honest with your MIL. Maybe phone her, and set the law straight. You dont need to be arguementative or rude, just explain after the many years of trying fo her acceptance, you have now checked out. After being told your not family, youve stopped acting like family and you are no longer going out of your way for people who do not appreciate it.

And remind her that her son can stillmake the effort, and arrange things and buy them gifts but he doesnt. So if she has an issue with that then to contact her son.

I don't do any wifework for my ILs and I quite like most of them. I'll do presents at Christmas, of that nature of 'everyone I like gets this thing this year', but otherwise it's entirely down to DH to remember birthdays etc and arrange get togethers.

Yabu to feel any guilt whatsoever. Just pass any enquiries/messages/complaints to your H and tell them that's what you're doing.

Yanbu of course to remind them they said you were nothing to do with them so you've stopped trying. If they say you should try again a plain 'no thank you' often shuts people up.

Nowhere near as bad as yours, but I had to take a step back from in laws. They weren't interested in having a friendly relationship so, meh. DH does deal with all of that now, because he wants to. It really isn't your fault if yours CBA with his own family, (possibly understandable, because they're horrible maybe)?

We see less of DH family and we don't have all Christmas Day together or anything. We see them or a quick drink and bit of cake then go our separate ways. Works for us. It's polite and friendly enough, but we don't get too much of a bad good thing.

I really don't think you should feel guilty in the slightest they sound horrible, OP.

Tell him your not going.
You have no need too.
If he creates, tell him well you don't go to my parents, so you go and enjoy time with your mum.
Keep saying no,

Never feel guilty

Never invite

You're doing great

Get your Dh to actually buy the towels - you know he will buy shit ones right

Another chiming in to day ditch the guilt. I doubt your MIL has ever felt guilty about how she has treated you. It’s only because you’re a nice person that you feel this way. It’s not like anyone could say you didn’t give it one hell of a shot before checking out. If your DH doesn’t “perform” as a son then that’s not a reflection on you. More a reflection on the true nature of this “family” that’s so important to MIL. All words, no real feelings!

I know I will not get a card and it kind of spoils it for me that someone is actively being PA towards me

@ILoveAutumnShowers, she’s not been passive aggressive, she just doesn’t give a shit about you. She isn’t sitting there thinking “Ha! It’s Autumn’s birthday and I didn’t send a card again, I bet that showed her!” She isn’t thinking about you at all. You don’t count in her roster of Significant People.

Which works out well, because you don’t need to give a shit about her, or her daughters. Your husband’s behaviour demonstrates he’s not that committed to extended family. You never have to see your in laws again if you don’t want to (and why would you want to?)

Embrace the freedom. All emotional admin is your DH’s job to sort, not yours to facilitate. Your in-laws have treated you badly and are now seeing the consequences of that. There’s no guilt that needs to be attached to that… after all, you aren’t the one who caused the unpleasant situation.

FWIW, I did this about 15 years ago when MIL was being rude. The reason I posted here is that it is my birthday next week and I end up getting stressed out about it because I know I will not get a card and it kind of spoils it for me that someone is actively being PA towards me . I wasn’t rude or unkind, I just stopped doing the running.

Worked miracles.

To answer a few questions.

Mil not from different culture.

DH is generally a good husband and father. However he is scared of his mum snd has FOG. He’s gaslighted me in the past over her too. Told me she doesn’t really mean it, it came out wrong, must have misheard her snd my favourite, we are both as bad as each other.

It was quite hard to stand up to her when she, FIL, SIL’s are telling you that it’s you with the problem, snd then my DH not backing me up. Now I’m older I know it’s them and not me. I did tell them this to their faces but it was again met with gaslighting so now I just don’t bother. I’ve taken some steps back and I now want to take more steps back but it still feels uncomfortable. I’ve never actively plotted against someone. I don’t have the bitch gene. I’m too bloody nice for my own good.

Aw feck, sorry about the nonsense cut and past in the final paragraph! Phone and I are Not Getting On today.

Final paragraph:

FWIW, I did this about 15 years ago when MIL was being rude. I wasn’t rude or unkind, I just stopped doing the running. It didn’t take long for her to realise that left to himself, her son almost never got in touch, arranged visits, sent updates about the grandchildren. So perhaps good relations with her DIL was smart…

I think you just have to accept your place is in the wrong - they will never be happy and try and avoid thinking about them much and ditch the guilt.

I stepped back from wifework when IL were being a bloody pain with young kids - DH did step up though and has little to do with my family.

27 years I still get your not our family mainly now from FIL - anything thought to be suggested or coming from me is strongly resisted. We can manage to be polite to each other when we see and the are decent GP to the kids. I don't like feeling pushed out my own family but as the kids get older having less and less to do with them actually appeals.

Look at it that you are withdrawing not "plotting" or anything so dramatic.

You are looking after yourself which is as important as looking after other people. One of the least egotistical people in my life gave the advice: "put yourself first!" I think they had learned the hard way.

So this IS at least partly a DH problem. ‘You’re as bad as each other’

Agree with PPs that you’re not - yet - ‘indifferent’, eg the guilt. Sounds like your DC are indifferent, perhaps take a leaf out of their book!

You are acting appropriately by cutting them out but I understand it isnt nice knowing there are people out there who have it out for you. I'm sorry your DH didn't do more to support you, he should have done a lot more.

Have you heard about neural pathways? I'm going to butcher this explanation probably but basically our brain has habitual thoughts and feelings that are like reflex actions on response to a stimulus. This is the pathway. Over the years it's possible you have created a neural pathway that says 'MIL is upset, i have done something wrong, her upset is my fault' and once you have that pathway it becomes your default response.

You CAN change your neural pathways to more appropriate responses like 'MIL is upset, and that is not my problem, I won't let it bother me' by spotting the thinking and over-writing it with your new thought. Takes a bit of practise but you can get there. I think this is what you need to do.

Also, ditch the internalised sexist stereotyping (‘bitch’, assumption that changing things / setting some boundaries after many years of shit treatment by the in laws and poor response from your H makes you somehow unreasonable).

You know gaslighting is abusive OP?

So you have a horrible abusive husband too?

You poor woman surrounded by that awful shower.

Again, get counselling and have nothing to do with them.

Have a hard look at that husband of yours, he sounds awful.

I hear you op
Just done similar myself after 26 years
It took mil spouting her bigoted bullshit at my child's birthday that finally made the scales fall from my eyes
She really messed up. She usually saves such comments for when we are alone.
Witnesses make things more complicated 😀
It's so great! I should have done it years ago years ago like you my kids are older now so it's easier.
Dh is worried about Xmas (?) but I'm not
They can see dh and the dc but I'm not playing happy families.