AIBU to think my DH is lazy WRT his family and I shouldn't feel guilty?

[ILoveAutumnShowers]

A couple of years ago I decided to take a step back from my in-laws. Since I met them 28 years ago they, well MIL mostly and they do what she says, have been very rude and unkind to me. My MIL has constantly told me I am not part of the family, despite being the mother of her only DGC, and has gone out of her way to openly put me down in front of others. She once told me that it doesn't matter what I do, say, or look like because I am nothing to do with her or her family and it won't reflect on her, as everyone knows I am a nobody. One of the reasons why she does this is because she seems to see me as a serious threat to her and her DD's for some reason, which I really don't get.

Luckily I have a wonderful, loving and confidence boosting family of my own so I have not had to revert to counselling as a result .

After quite a few years of this and trying to get her onside, she'll like me when she gets to know me, etc. I gave up. I have taken small steps back over the years, but about 2 years ago I just decided that I can't be arsed with this anyone and I took league boots steps back. So now I facilitate nothing, I refuse to cancel what I am doing if they want to meet up, I don't buy them presents, I don't do their cards and I no longer facilitate meet-ups or days out or phone calls. I am not rude or nasty, I just resigned from the wifey work. After all, I am not family and I am crap at everything, right?

The AIBU is that my DH does nothing. He doesn't buy cards, presents, etc. He waits for me to arrange Sunday lunches and I don't. He waits for me to offer to host Christmas and Easter etc. and I don't. As a result, we have not seen his sisters for 18 months. That is fine by me, but there is fallout from it. MIL is not happy she rarely sees us gets the opportunity to lay into me, upset if she doesn't get a card and last Christmas she was really upset because I usually buy really thoughtful Christmas presents and do a stocking for everyone, but she asked for some towels and that is what she got, some towels in a plastic bag.

So, AIBU to think that my DH is really lazy when it comes to his family and it is not my problem. I know I shouldn't give a shit, but I am pretty sure that "it's all my fault" and they are blaming me and for some strange reason I feel guilty for treating someone like this. However, I was a nice DIL and SIL and they just threw it back in my face.

FYI my DH also does NOTHING for my family. In fact, I think he may recognise my mum and dad if they walked past him in the street, but they wouldn't recognise anyone else. He hasn't seen my brother, who lives 15 miles away from us, for 5 years.

Your Husband obviously takes after his Mother.

'You're both as bad as each other' is the sort of thing people say when they don't want to look at the actual dynamics going on. It's like 'it takes two to have a falling out' which is also bollocks - in situations like these it's one person being actively nasty, and one wondering what the fuck just happened.

Maybe your H doesn't want to recognise what a horrorshow his family is because he's also a victim, maybe he just doesn't care enough, who knows. It doesn't actually matter right now, because the important thing right now is you getting free from any obligation to your ILs, and you'll need to understand there's no help right now from your H.

But. You also don't need any permission from your H either. You are absolutely allowed to tell him right now you can't see your ILs next week - maybe you're planning a treat for your birthday, maybe you're planning nothing at all. But you're allowed to not spend precious time with people that don't like you. And you don't need to justify it. H might try to change your mind - probably will - but you don't even need to persuade him to agree with you, You. Can. Just. Not. Go. And nothing bad will happen. Well, nothing worse than being stuck in a room with people who actively dislike you for hours on end anyway...

I think you are still quite far from indifference: you wouldn’t feel guilty about this if you were indifferent.

I don’t think you’ve got a DH problem - he actually sounds more indifferent than you do!

Tbh I think you need to explore why you have such a great desire to please or placate such awkward people who clearly do not care about you? Where is that coming from?

Stop analysing your MILs behaviour and take a look at your own: that’s the bit you have some control over.

So you havent withdrawn completely if you still bought your MIL towels for xmas. You need to decide to back off completely and leave all his family stuff to him or dont. Going from buying nice presents and doing stockings to a pack of towels in a plastic bag is a statement isnt it. I would have rather gone from nice presents to nothing so when they complain you direct them to your DH. It sounds like you have just backed off but not had a conversation about what that means with your DH and doing shitty presents is a bit passive aggressive. Not a chance in hell would i be buying anything or doing anything for inlaws who treated me the way they are treating you. Your guilt is not yours to own...redirect your anger to your DH who has clearly enables his family nasty behaviour towards you for years

As someone who has similar problems with her FIL (I call him that for the sake of brevity, we aren't married but have been together 12 years) I can understand why you still feel guilty...we are constantly bombarded in the media how family relationships 'should' be and if they aren't...that can trigger the guilt.

I did much the same as you after FIL thought he could tell my partner, that my behaviour at a family gathering (wasn't even his family, but my MIL's) was 'rude'...what had I done? Apparently it was because I didn't stay up all night getting drunk ...the excuse that I went to bed at midnight because I was ill wasn't 'good enough' - even though it turned out that I had double pneumonia and ended up in hospital 2 days later... He told my partner off afterwards like we were a pair of 12 year olds - I was 42 at the time...

That was the final straw for me. I told my partner that I wouldn't take that type of bullshit from my own parents, so I definitely wasn't going to take it from his! I've not seen them now in 7 years. Most of the time I couldn't care less, I live 200 miles away and we don't have children. I have no family in the UK so sometimes (Christmas is a bugger for this) I do feel sad that my 'in laws' are such horrible people...luckily my partner is totally on my side and knows that his father's behaviour towards me has been totally unacceptable.

As others have said, one of the great things about being an adult is that you don't have to have a familiar relationship with ANYONE you don't want to.

Oh god OP, she sounds awful and you did well to put up with that for 28 years. I know I certainly wouldn’t (or couldn’t!)

We have a unwritten rule in our house, I organise my family including visits, gifts etc and he does his. If he forgets that’s his fault not mine! Doesn’t matter who it is.

We see my family more as I organise it, DH does organise with his but definitely not as much so we see them less. He has the same opportunity as I, I do think DH’s are a little lazy but it’s not malicious they just don’t think the same way we do int erma of effort and organisation!

I presumed that dh bought the towels?

Yes, they said they would like some towels and DH bought some crappy ones and they were handed over in the bag with all the prices on. They usually get a lot more gifts and nice things in a stocking, but no more.

I usually buy my family thoughtful gifts and do a stocking. So, e.g. my Dad may get some nice smellies, some small golf items, a book, and chocolates, and my DH will ask why I didn't buy 2 of them so his mum and dad had the same. It was quite hard to say no to that and also a lot of our earlier years as parents, he was the main breadwinner and paying for my parent's Christmas presents so I felt I couldn't say "get your own".

It is very different now.

I know I have not reached indifference, where I want to be. On a positive note though, I am not doing anything for them at all. I just have the feelings to work on.

Yes you have a lazy DH and I think it's pretty safe to presume it's down to a combination of bad parenting (he clearly wasn't raised to be a considerate son) and then you taking over the present buying/event organising for so long (as he wasn't stepping up) so him just not thinking about it.

Now you have (quite rightly) stepped back, it's up to him to step forward and if he doesn't then it's really not your problem.

If I were you I would revel in it, rather than feel bad and agree with any detrimental comments they may make about the poor gifts etc.

"Yes, DH is terrible at present buying and card sending, but it's a family trait, so what can you do?" Shrug your shoulders and move on.

You're a saint for putting up with it for 28 years, and your H needs to step up. His family sounds horrific. Are they nice to him?

He should have stood up for you in the past. Shame he didn't, but I can understand the FOG. Has he had counselling?

Keep going as you are, and don't feel guilty! A, why should you do things for your ILs when your h does nothing for yours? And B, they just don't deserve it. Their behaviour means they don't deserve anything at all from you - not just gifts but any kindness or consideration.

Your MIL’s unpleasantness to you is a red herring. He’s an adult and should be sorting out stuff to do with his side of the family regardless of your relationship with them. Otherwise it’s just wife work.

Actually it's good he doesn't buy them anything, they don't deserve it after how they treat you. I wouldn't have contact with my own family if they treated my husband so horribly for no reason. Why are you worrying about them at all?

I know I have not reached indifference, where I want to be. On a positive note though, I am not doing anything for them at all. I just have the feelings to work on.

Good to hear you are not doing anything for them at all, you don't need to see them or interact with them in any way they are not worth your time.

They are also not worth you spending anytime thinking about them, they really are not, work on those feelings remember you didn't cause this, you are not responsible for it, you've nothing to feel guilty about, don't give them another thought, please. They are reaping what they have sown, I hope they enjoy it.

On a positive note though, I am not doing anything for them at all. I just have the feelings to work on.

Why are you going to visit MIL then? Surely you have better things to do than visit someone who thinks so little of you ?

Yabu to visit at all after the way they have spoken to you. Don't go even if invited
Let DH do it all. They have made their feelings clear why would you put yourself through it?

It sounds like a win-win. You don’t need to buy/organise anything for them and your dh can’t be bothered.

Why ever would you go and see them? Just say, sorry dh, I’ve decided not to visit your parents anymore because they aren’t nice to me. Please go without me.

Stop visiting your IL’s. If your H Collins tell him you’ll visit his family as much as he visits yours.

Don’t feel guilty about the gift giving. They don’t want gifts from you, you’re not thief boood or family or whatever batshit venom they’ve been spewing at you for years.
You’re accepting their words and acting accordingly.

Your nothing to them, and therefore they don’t mean anything to you.

I buy my IL’s gifts because they treat me and my DC with love and respect. And should DH and I split up I’d still have a relationship with them independently as they are lovely people.

No way would I spend my life trying to appease and please people who’ve told me they don’t like me or consider me part of their family. Why would I then expend them and energy buy them gifts or visiting them so they could be rude to me.

When I went NC with my family, it was because it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t have to put myself out and visit them and speak to them just for them to be nasty to me. I could easily remove myself from the situation and never be there again.

And I did (& apparently it pisses then off but who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️)

She will blame you for who her son really is. Ie, uninterested in family.
Did he stand up for you when his mother was telling you that you were a nobody??

Are you the only female inlaw? I wonder if chatting with any others might help you - assuming you are all tarred with the same crap?

Holly60 It’s still unnecessary ‘wifework’ if done for friends/family of a DH, even if you like the people a lot!

No, it isn't, and you don't get to decide what is wife work for everyone else.
If someone wants to get nice presents for their mother in law or anyone else, because they want to and the MIL is a good and kind person who they love, that's not wife work and its certainly not unnecessary.
IF they are only doing it because their DH wants them to or refuses to and they feel guilty, then it is.
But that's not for you to decide for them.

I get it’s hard to stop feeling guilty but when you start to feel guilt think about what you have said here about how they have treated you, and more importantly perhaps how indifferently they have treated your children
If you do that every time you will find the guilt feelings lifting and then stopping

Have a clear conversation with your dh. explain you are no longer accepting his gas lighting on this, that his family have treated you extremely badly and actually you are very disappointed and upset he has not been prepared to defend you and has allowed them to behave towards you in this way.

Moving forward you will not be attending any of his family events, you will not be facilitating any meet ups, Christmas or birthdays, certainly won’t be hosting them and all present buying, wrapping and delivery for his family is down to him

Then carry on

You are pretty amazing to do so much for them considering how you have been treated over the years. You have the patience of a saint!!
But enough now. As everyone else has said, go no contact and let “DH” facilitate his family stuff. No Christmas’s. No birthdays. Nothing. If asked, be honest. You haven’t been accepted into the family. You haven’t been made welcome so you have stopped. Agree you have a DH problem. He should have supported you. Have a lovely birthday OP.

Perhaps if you think only of your DCs and imagine how this relationship appears to them. DMIL blanks you, is rude, critical, childish (Xmas presents), pa. Their DF allows this treatment of you.
Despite this treatment you go along to sit on the sofa whilst DMIL holds forth and takes the opportunity to be unpleasant to you again.

What does this teach your DCs about relationships?
What does this teach them about their mother?
What does this teach them about their parents love for each other?
If you discovered that someone was treating your child like DMIL treats you would you encourage them to socialise with them whilst being derided and bullied?
This is the time you get a backbone OP.

youve got nothing to feel guilty for. Theyre not only NOT treating you as family, theyve gone out of their way to make you feel shit. They are neither your family nor are they friendly. I also wouldnt be impressed with your husbands actions in mininimising their abuse towards you.
Youve done the grown up thing. Youve removed them from your life, which is what they apparently wanted, and its still not good enough. Sucks to be them. Leave them to their misery and toxicity

What a loser your husband is to standby while his mother says you are not family and to gaslight you too.

I hope this thread gives you the steel to tell him to visit them if he likes but you aren't going near them to be abused.