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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter in law g as kes

88 replies

midlifeangst · 13/09/2021 13:49

My lovely son who is on the spectrum married this lady a while ago. All seemed great and they appear to adore each other. As time goes on it appears that she is always being wronged by somebody, her boss/her mum/ the bus driver/ the checkout cashier..you name it-they have done something.
Recently I have joined this category because she took a dislike to one of my closest friends and I refused to stop being friends with her! Yes , handbags at dawn or pathetic school playground behaviour.

My son is being isolated from his friends and his family and sneaks out to phone us. She has told him he is not allowed to see us,until I change my friends!!

She happily lives in a flat that I paid for, uses our holiday home etc!
Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.
She’s a piece of work . Advice please!

OP posts:
Mynamegone · 13/09/2021 14:05

Could your son talk to her and say she’s being very unreasonable? And that she should be grateful you help them too. I wouldn’t talk to her while she’s so awful in case it exacerbates anything . It seems important your son isn’t isolated from you so anything you say should be gentle and in confidence so she doesn’t stop him talking to you further.
I feel for you and in many ways all you can do is keep doing what you feel is right but also try and soften an issues. It’s telling her other relationships are sounding difficult too

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2021 14:08

Longer term, how well is your DS protected financially, just in case?

Like, whose name is the flat in?

Sounds like he needs you to stay close, not to allow her to chase you away.

Good luck!

Ozanj · 13/09/2021 14:11

Look at it from a different angle. How is she with your son? If they adore each other and she fills in the gaps that he has then you don’t really want to rock the boat too much.

Can you not just pay lip service to her and say you’re no longer seeing the friend?

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2021 14:14

If your son is resorting to sneaking out to phone his friends and family then what he needs is a divorce.

freesolo · 13/09/2021 14:15

I'm sorry you are going through this, a very similar thing happened with my brother and his wife and she has cut him off from nearly all of his friends and family. My biggest advice is don't say anything she could interpret as negative to her, she will most likely be looking for any excuse to decide you have wronged her. Hopefully your son has more backbone than my brother and will stand up to her.

Original poster
midlifeangst · 13/09/2021 14:21

Thank you, all such sound advice. i think if I pay lip service about this incident-I would have to do it over more things in the future.

The flat is in the name of my son and his brother. The brother doesn’t live there but she has been asking him to pay the bills( electricity, council tax and to donate towards curtains and furniture that he does not use. Just found this out! She has full time job earning in excess of £25000 so can afford her share of bills.

He does love her but he’s vulnerable and maybe he thinks that nobody else would ever love him do he tolerates it, it is killing be to think he’s unhappy in any way.

OP posts:
TellySavalashairbrush · 13/09/2021 14:40

What a difficult situation op and one that my own MIL is in with my SIL (dh's brother). She would also like to tell her a few home truths, but doesn't as BIL is very loyal to his wife and takes her side on everything (even when it is clear she is wrong).
I think ensuring that your son knows the door is always open for him as far as you are concerned is pretty much all you can do for now.
I would love to hear if anyone else has a better solution. I hate to say it, but there is a possibility that she could discard your son, once she feels he has had his usage-people like this often do. Knowing he can always turn to you should make this more bearable.

drpet49 · 13/09/2021 14:42

* The flat is in the name of my son and his brother. The brother doesn’t live there but she has been asking him to pay the bills( electricity, council tax and to donate towards curtains and furniture that he does not use. Just found this out! She has full time job earning in excess of £25000 so can afford her share of bills.*

^This woman is a nasty piece of work. Controlling and now trying to isolate your son from everyone.

girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 14:47

Does your son understand that her behaviour is wrong and that she is isolating him or is he a bit blind to it out of loyalty?

TillyTopper · 13/09/2021 15:08

When he sneaks out to call you have you ever asked if he's happy? Does he indicate anything is wrong? To me where he is on the situation would be key.

Whoopy1 · 13/09/2021 15:12

Could brother not say he needs to move in? He owns half the house and appears to be paying his share of the bills. Even if he didn’t move in surely he has a right to go into house if he wants? You need someone to keep an eye on her and check that d’s is okay.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2021 15:29

Does his brother charge him/them rent for his half of the flat?

Maybe, solely due to her truly gobsmacking CFuckery, he should do so with immediate effect!

LittleOwl153 · 13/09/2021 16:10

The brother seems key here. Yes he can access the house at anytime as he owns half of it. I would also get him to ensure that the bills council tax etc are not in his name. He can't be legally on the council tax demand if he lives elsewhere anyway.

How capable is your son. If he is considered vulnerable could you get social services to do a check on him - suggest he is being abused?

Original poster
midlifeangst · 16/11/2021 12:19

Daughter in law making up drama/cancer scare

Some time ago I posted this kes14
13/09/2021 13:49 midlifeangst

My lovely son who is on the spectrum married this lady a while ago. All seemed great and they appear to adore each other. As time goes on it appears that she is always being wronged by somebody, her boss/her mum/ the bus driver/ the checkout cashier..you name it-they have done something.
Recently I have joined this category because she took a dislike to one of my closest friends and I refused to stop being friends with her! Yes , handbags at dawn or pathetic school playground behaviour.

My son is being isolated from his friends and his family and sneaks out to phone us. She has told him he is not allowed to see us,until I change my friends!!
She happily lives in a flat that I paid for, uses our holiday home etc!
Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.
She’s a piece of work . Advice please!

She is hanging in there and now has said she has had an irregular scan? They spotted it in may and this is her follow up. This has come up since my son asked her to leave.
Do you believe her? In covid times would it take this long if they thought you had cancer?
Please advise

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/11/2021 12:23

Irregular scan for what? Yes assessment can take a while especially for in person appointments but the two week referral is still operating.

acatcalledjohn · 16/11/2021 12:29

She is hanging in there and now has said she has had an irregular scan? They spotted it in may and this is her follow up. This has come up since my son asked her to leave.
Do you believe her? In covid times would it take this long if they thought you had cancer? Please advise

I mean. It's possible, a bit too conveniently timed. But it's irrelevant. She treats your son badly and that is why he asked her to leave.

The cancer scare is a red herring IMHO.

I'm also wondering what scan it is. Unless we go to the GP with a specific concern and get referred, we don't get scans at that age.

And even if the cancer scare is true, why should she expect kindness when all she has been dishing out is hatred?

IncompleteSenten · 16/11/2021 12:32

I wouldn't believe her for a second.

WonderfulYou · 16/11/2021 12:41

She sounds controlling and abusive.
Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do right now.

If you say something to him it will push him further away and she’ll isolate him even more.
Don’t say anything negative about her to him and keep as neutral as possible. He will then be more likely to come to you if he wants to end it.

Regardless of whether it is a male or female, once they’re in these controlling relationships they are almost under a spell and can’t see the light. It is horrible to watch knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

Poppinjay · 16/11/2021 13:00

Your DS is in a controlling and abusive relationship. Read everything you can about coercive control.

It is in the abuser's interests to isolate the victim from all sources of support. They then tell them they are worthless and that the abuse is what they deserve because they are stupid, selfish, lazy, ugy, worthless, etc. The power they hold over their victims is phenomenal.

Do everything you can to maintain a relationship with your DS and make sure he know he can come to your home any time, day or night and you will support him.

He probably won't be aware that he is the victim of abuse and won't agree if you tell him. He will think everything she does is his or someone else's fault.

I helped my DD by never saying anything negative about her abuser but asking questions about why he hurt her 'by accident' so often or why he wanted her to spend less time with us.

Be mindful that she may be tracking his phone and social media activity.

YouJustFoldItIn · 16/11/2021 13:01

Of course she's being ridiculous but you need to tread very carefully here and play the diplomat. Have you tried inviting her out for a coffee and chat to appeal to her better nature?

What exactly is it the friend has done that makes her so adamant that you should ditch the friend out of respect/loyalty to your DIL? Did you have a good relationship with her before this or has she always been a bit spiky and over-sensitive?

DebbieG71 · 16/11/2021 13:01

she's in need of some reassurance. perhaps not in the form she would immediately appreciate, however if you firmly but surely approach the situation openly with your son's best interests at heart, and she doesn't empathise, you can begin escalating the situation till she does indeed understand that perhaps for once it's not everyone else... but her own doing causing the ruckus.

acatcalledjohn · 16/11/2021 13:04

Have you tried inviting her out for a coffee and chat to appeal to her better nature?

Why should she? The OP's friendships are none of that woman's concern.

YouJustFoldItIn · 16/11/2021 13:07

Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.

This would be a mistake. You need to try to befriend her more, not alienate her further, even if it's her being completely in the wrong here.

I'm not sure what you mean by what she will 'do' to you son, but it's more about what she will 'do' to you. If you do in all guns blazing she is likely to tell your son that you hate her and are nasty to her. If he is made to chose between his wife and his mother then we all know that he's likely to chose her.

Bear that in mind before you go steaming in with your 'home truths.'

theremustonlybeone · 16/11/2021 13:07

That is nonsense. Covid caused delays in people being seen however where someone had a scan and there was concerns they would have been fast tracked. My DH has had treatment throughout covid.

She is a liar- what even is an 'irregular' scan. My DH had scans and when they were not conculsive went back the following week for more tests. He didnt get left for 6 mths

Imtootired · 16/11/2021 13:17

How are they?