Daughter in law g as kes

[midlifeangst]

My lovely son who is on the spectrum married this lady a while ago. All seemed great and they appear to adore each other. As time goes on it appears that she is always being wronged by somebody, her boss/her mum/ the bus driver/ the checkout cashier..you name it-they have done something.
Recently I have joined this category because she took a dislike to one of my closest friends and I refused to stop being friends with her! Yes , handbags at dawn or pathetic school playground behaviour.

My son is being isolated from his friends and his family and sneaks out to phone us. She has told him he is not allowed to see us,until I change my friends!!

She happily lives in a flat that I paid for, uses our holiday home etc!
Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.
She’s a piece of work . Advice please!

Sorry! How old are they?

I would quietly refuse to drop your friend. I wouldn't go in with home truths. Rarely works.

Why should she? The OP's friendships are none of that woman's concern.

Because quite honestly, she's got a better chance of resolving this with a bit of careful diplomacy and a charm offensive than she has by getting into a power battle with the DIL.

We all know how this goes for the mothers of sons, when their DIL has decided to take against them. we read about it on here every day. There can only be one winner and it's not going to be the mother, is it?

Tread carefully, or beware of the consequences.

@Ozanj

Look at it from a different angle. How is she with your son? If they adore each other and she fills in the gaps that he has then you don’t really want to rock the boat too much.

Can you not just pay lip service to her and say you’re no longer seeing the friend?

Pretend you've dumped a friend because someone ordered you to for no good reason?

Naaaaah.

What is G as Kes? Is this a typo or does it mean something we should understand?

In any case, telling her "home truths" isn't going to help. You can only control your own reactions and your own behaviour. Tell your son, once, in a kind way, that you think she is manipulative and abusive, and that if he needs your support, you are there. That's all you can do. If she is affecting you or being rude or abusive to you, deal with that in an adult way when it happens, but don't go chasing down problems to deal with.

They spotted it in may and this is her follow up. This has come up since my son asked her to leave.
Do you believe her? In covid times would it take this long if they thought you had cancer?

It’s great he has asked her to leave.
No, if there was suspected cancer they would not wait from May until now.

If they adore each other and she fills in the gaps that he has then you don’t really want to rock the boat too much.

Are you on glue? Alienating your partner from their parents and friends isn't "adoring".

Is there any plausible reason she’s given as to why she doesn’t like your friend? Have you discussed the issues you have with your DIL and DIL has picked up negative vibes from the friend?

So he asked her to leave?

If your son is on the spectrum then his wife is most likely neurodiverse too (as like attracts like), and possibly his parents are too (as it runs in families). Your son will need strong boundaries but at the end of the day it's his marriage and he isn't necessarily going to thank his mother for interfering in it. I also don't understand why you're questioning her integrity over the scan - perhaps you're just missing some information instead?

What does the title mean? Is g as kes an abbreviation for something?

The first post is a bit irrelevant now- things have moved on.

Op, I don't know the time scale for cancer diagnosis- it varies from area to area, cancer type to cancer type.

I do know that she is manipulative and controlling, and it would be better if your son stuck by his request she leave.

How you help him to do that- I guess, just keep assuring him that he has the right to ask her to go, that he's allowed to separate from her etc.

That said, if they are married, does she have a claim on quarter of the house?

@theremustonlybeone not necessarily true. A family member diagnosed with cancer this year had what turned out to be a tumour picked up on a scan in January but was not formally diagnosed until April due to delays. Luckily it hadn’t spread.

What does G as Kes mean?

She sounds horribly manipulative.

There's not a lot you can do. This woman is your son's choice of partner, so you have to stand back and let things play out. You're in an impossible position and as such you can't criticise her. If you do, then you're potentially alienating yourself from your son. As things stand he will choose his wife over his mother and quite rightly.

The important thing is to be there for your son, if and when he needs you.

Electricbug321 i can take a few tests and scans before a formal diagnosis. For my DH it took 8 weeks. Even then it was another 4 weeks to start treatment. Hope your family member is doing ok.

However in the OP case and irregular scan picked up in May would not be left for this long,

I agree with a pp who said the irregular scan is irrelevant, even if true.

If your son has asked her to leave, presumably because she’s manipulative and controlling, she needs to leave regardless of if she has a health issue.

What is your son saying? He wants her to leave? If so give her a date to be out by.

@OffCycling

If your son is on the spectrum then his wife is most likely neurodiverse too (as like attracts like), and possibly his parents are too (as it runs in families). Your son will need strong boundaries but at the end of the day it's his marriage and he isn't necessarily going to thank his mother for interfering in it. I also don't understand why you're questioning her integrity over the scan - perhaps you're just missing some information instead?

WTAF?

An irregular scan that may indicate cancer would likely require blood tests at the time and referral on the cancer pathway.

If a scan was irregular but didn’t indicate cancer then you’d expect 6 months to follow up.

Your son has now asked her to leave? Why hasn’t she? He needs to insist and see a solicitor to see if she has ant claim on his half of the flat, ASAP.

It doesn't really matter if we believe her, what matters is whether or not your son believes her and what he wants to do about it.
You seem overly involved in their relationship. Two months ago, you were sure your son loved her. Now, he's asking her to leave.
Fwiw the timescale for scans and callbacks, seems accurate.

My Son in law, in my opinion, is on spectrum.

I have as little contact with him as possible.
I have loads of contact with my daughter and look after dgc every week.
It breaks my heart that my daughter has married this person but it is her choice and for some reason she loves him.

I just reiterate we are always here for her and if her marriage breaks down then we will support her but equally if she chooses to stay we will support her also.

I wish you well you are in a very difficult situation.

If you want your son to be happy. I'd avoid meddling.

@seventyfits

What does the title mean? Is g as kes an abbreviation for something?

Thank you for asking, I can't for the life of me work out what it means!

Your first post in September was saying how she was isolating your DS from you and his friends, but now you're saying he's actually asked her to leave the flat, but she's claiming she's having a cancer scare? Have I got that right, OP?

I think your DS should continue with his plans to make her leave, regardless of her health concern (which could be nothing or could even be a lie). It's an emotionally abusive relationship that he needs to end.