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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter in law g as kes

88 replies

midlifeangst · 13/09/2021 13:49

My lovely son who is on the spectrum married this lady a while ago. All seemed great and they appear to adore each other. As time goes on it appears that she is always being wronged by somebody, her boss/her mum/ the bus driver/ the checkout cashier..you name it-they have done something.
Recently I have joined this category because she took a dislike to one of my closest friends and I refused to stop being friends with her! Yes , handbags at dawn or pathetic school playground behaviour.

My son is being isolated from his friends and his family and sneaks out to phone us. She has told him he is not allowed to see us,until I change my friends!!

She happily lives in a flat that I paid for, uses our holiday home etc!
Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.
She’s a piece of work . Advice please!

OP posts:
Porfre · 16/11/2021 15:18

@midlifeangst

Daughter in law making up drama/cancer scare

Some time ago I posted this kes14
13/09/2021 13:49 midlifeangst

My lovely son who is on the spectrum married this lady a while ago. All seemed great and they appear to adore each other. As time goes on it appears that she is always being wronged by somebody, her boss/her mum/ the bus driver/ the checkout cashier..you name it-they have done something.
Recently I have joined this category because she took a dislike to one of my closest friends and I refused to stop being friends with her! Yes , handbags at dawn or pathetic school playground behaviour.

My son is being isolated from his friends and his family and sneaks out to phone us. She has told him he is not allowed to see us,until I change my friends!!
She happily lives in a flat that I paid for, uses our holiday home etc!
Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.
She’s a piece of work . Advice please!

She is hanging in there and now has said she has had an irregular scan? They spotted it in may and this is her follow up. This has come up since my son asked her to leave.
Do you believe her? In covid times would it take this long if they thought you had cancer?
Please advise

If they thought it actually could be cancer. The scan would have been within 2 weeks and then early followup.

Most people referred for cancer at our surgery have already been discharged from the hospital as not having cancer within 6/52 of referral or been told they have cancer and are having further investigations or management.
Routine ultrasound scans in our area are taking up ton8/52 currently. But these are routine and not suspected of cancer.

Gazelda · 16/11/2021 15:28

@Maverick66

My Son in law, in my opinion, is on spectrum.

I have as little contact with him as possible.
I have loads of contact with my daughter and look after dgc every week.
It breaks my heart that my daughter has married this person but it is her choice and for some reason she loves him.

I just reiterate we are always here for her and if her marriage breaks down then we will support her but equally if she chooses to stay we will support her also.

I wish you well you are in a very difficult situation.

What relevance does your SonIL possibly being in the spectrum have to your dislike of him?
mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 15:32

Let's not get derailed?

mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 15:37

@midlifeangst

Your son can get an Occupation Order, and can absolutely claim that there is coercive control at play here. The isolation, sneaking out to phone you, the refusal of the GF to have anything to do with you over a trifling matter - plus his diagnosis (he has a diagnosis, right?) making him vulnerable, would all help secure the Order. Women's Aid might help. Shelter too. Maybe there is help available from charities specialising in SN adults?

Is he ready to end the relationship?

Your other son could also help his brother through this, as the flat is jointly his.

SeasonFinale · 16/11/2021 15:37

What is the issue with your friend? I hope you are not one of these MILS who still stay in contact with someone who has abused someone historically because obviously that would put a different slant on the matter. We see this often on MN.

At the end of the day what your son thinks and feels about her is what matters. It all seems to be about how feel about her. I am confused by the he asked her to leave. You added that part after.

hoochyhooha · 16/11/2021 15:38

@midlifeangst

Sorry to hear about your son, can he speak to/email someone himself?
WA have good resources

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/support-for-male-survivors/

mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 15:40

@SeasonFinale, the first post was from September.

The OP C&P'd it this month with the new development added.

Her son clearly isn't ok with the demand to stop contact with his mother, since he sneaks out to call her. This is coercive control of a vulnerable adult. The son has asked her to leave, and now an 'irregular scan' has suddenly popped up.

Gazelda · 16/11/2021 15:40

@mathanxiety

Let's not get derailed?
You're right. Apologies OP.
TheGirlCat · 16/11/2021 15:50

What does "g as kes " mean?

Beautiful3 · 16/11/2021 16:10

Sounds awful. Cpuldnthe brother say that he wants to sell up,.or be bought out at market value? Might be a good idea, to sever the tie. I'd always tell your son that you'll always be there for him,.no matter what. Apart from that, there's not alot you can do.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/11/2021 16:27

@midlifeangst

Daughter in law making up drama/cancer scare

Some time ago I posted this kes14
13/09/2021 13:49 midlifeangst

My lovely son who is on the spectrum married this lady a while ago. All seemed great and they appear to adore each other. As time goes on it appears that she is always being wronged by somebody, her boss/her mum/ the bus driver/ the checkout cashier..you name it-they have done something.
Recently I have joined this category because she took a dislike to one of my closest friends and I refused to stop being friends with her! Yes , handbags at dawn or pathetic school playground behaviour.

My son is being isolated from his friends and his family and sneaks out to phone us. She has told him he is not allowed to see us,until I change my friends!!
She happily lives in a flat that I paid for, uses our holiday home etc!
Am desperate to tell her a few home truths but terrified what she will do to my son.
She’s a piece of work . Advice please!

She is hanging in there and now has said she has had an irregular scan? They spotted it in may and this is her follow up. This has come up since my son asked her to leave.
Do you believe her? In covid times would it take this long if they thought you had cancer?
Please advise

I have absolutely no idea, however my DM did take 10 years to get a lump checked out, she said she was worried but too scared. Fortunately for her it was fine and she did get a bollocking from the doctor.

However, in this situation is different and the timing of it doesn't look great and I'm not sure I'd believe her.

Abigail12345654321 · 16/11/2021 16:29

Autistic people often do find themselves being latched onto by oddballs with strange personalities - whether diagnosable or not - but certainly I have seen a similar situation to this and think she is truly personality disordered (maybe narcissism, maybe something else) but he can't see it or won't see it and believes he is in a happy relationship. Preserve your relationship with him. Don't feed her drama. Change the subject when she tries to argue. Don't worry if it feels like you are being rude. Simply don't engage in any dialogue about topics you wish to not discuss. Immediately start talking about something - anything - else. Do it every time. No reaction, no audience, no drama. Chances are he won't leave her so the best you can do is stop her cutting you out of his life.

Maverick66 · 16/11/2021 16:34

@Gazelda
I didn't say I disliked him but his behaviour is very difficult and makes things extremely awkward for dd.

GreenTeaPingPong · 16/11/2021 16:45

I'm very glad your DS has asked her to leave. What's the situation now? Is she refusing to go?

(And it's very obvious who hasn't read the whole thread at this point, many people just replying to the post from September and not noticed the OP's update today.)

Pompom2367 · 16/11/2021 17:19

This is ridiculous she is clearly lying

Kosmin · 16/11/2021 17:33

What does 'g as kes' mean?

oviraptor21 · 16/11/2021 17:58

If your DS is thinking of divorce then he should do it sooner rather than later. In a short marriage with no children involved he may be able to hang onto his original investment in the property he shares with his brother. He needs legal advice.

Abigail12345654321 · 16/11/2021 21:34

@GreenTeaPingPong

I'm very glad your DS has asked her to leave. What's the situation now? Is she refusing to go?

(And it's very obvious who hasn't read the whole thread at this point, many people just replying to the post from September and not noticed the OP's update today.)

She is still living with the son. She hasn’t left. He is unlikely to make her leave. She has created a drama. When this drama ends she will likely manipulate him in some other way. He probably won’t really accept that he is being manipulated. At least not enough to get her out.

And so it will continue.

If the Op can manage to separate them, good for her. But it will be an uphill battle. And right now they are still living together so nothing has really changed. He asked her to leave. She didn’t leave. Now there is a drama to prevent Op pushing her to leave. And the Ops son is going along with it all, accommodating her demands.

It’s great you are maintaining your connection with him Op, despite her. It’s great that he’s phoning you. Keep trying to persuade him that she’s bad news but there is no value engaging with her directly as that will more likely make him feel he needs to defend her.

seventyfits · 18/11/2021 10:07

I keep coming back to see if anyone's found out what 'g as kes' means, but still no answer. I'm wondering if it's a mistype of 'gaslights'? Please @midlifeangst come back and tell us what you meant.

midlifeangst · 18/11/2021 10:11

Simply a typo, wasn’t sure what gaslighting meant.
He left yesterday at 9am, she called to say she had overdosed and taken herself to hospital at 2pm and then was home by 5pm.
It stinks, he’s beside himself and I couldn’t get her parents to go snd see her so got a friend of hers to go round.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 18/11/2021 10:41

3 hours is a very fast turn around in A&E for an overdose.

bert3400 · 18/11/2021 10:51

Is she still living in your sons flat ? Has your DS moved out ?

3scape · 18/11/2021 10:53

My daughter was in A&E for more than 15 hours after an overdose, though 13 hours were waiting for transport onwards to admission onto a ward where she was overnight the following day, but the observations were taken as though she was on a ward - she just had to doze in a chair for the night. This was with no side effects experienced from the medication. Blood tests were taken three times during her whole hospital stay. We also had to have an appointment with a mental health professional and an assessment - so a good waiting around to attend appointments took up most of another day. It took place over a three day period all in. And that was with no complications or side effects or any kind of invasive treatment. Each to their own and that but I'd be very unlikely to believe a known liar with that tale.

JurgensCakeBaby · 18/11/2021 10:59

You wouldn't be in and out of A&E in 3 hours following an overdose, especially a deliberate one. She's trying to manipulate him

HoundofHades · 18/11/2021 12:21

I'm another one disbelieving of the 3 hour turnaround for a deliberate overdose, I'm afraid, @midlifeangst. My daughter has diagnosed MH issues and is prone to claiming to have overdosed on her medication before now - 3 times, in fact, unfortunately - and the minimum time spent being observed/waiting for the psych team to assess her was 14 hours. And this was pre-Covid, when A&E departments weren't slammed with 111 callers advised to go straight there for minor things.

Unfortunately, it does sound as though your DIL is being emotionally abusive/manipulative of your son - by claiming to have taken an overdose and attended A&E alone as a result, she's sent your son into an abyss of panic... and he's gone rushing back to take care of her/be with her. She has him exactly where she wants him.

Only the first of my daughter's overdoses was genuine, and taken because the young man she thought she was going to be with forever and ever, had dumped her for being irrational/possessive of him. It was a desperate attempt on her part to get him to "un dump" her... and it worked (sadly). The second time was a pure manipulation, again to convince this young man to take her back after she'd assaulted him (thankfully, he refused point blank), and the third time was to try to manipulate the police into not arresting her after she'd assaulted me. Both of the latter times, her blood tests showed no traces of an overdose in her system, and the time was spent waiting for the psych team to assess her. She's now stopped this behaviour, but only because it was spelt out to her that she was very close to being locked up for the abusive manipulation of it all.

Your son needs support, if only to help him to see/understand what your DIL is doing. Maybe he'll choose to walk away from her - but you have to realise that chances are, he'll stay with her. And you'll have a choice to make, I'm afraid OP - support him, or walk away from this situation yourself. It's not an easy choice to make, either way. I chose to support my daughter, despite what she's done to me over the years, because she is ill and I'm her mother. If she were my spouse, however, I know I would walk away (I did with her father). I've lost family members and friends, however, because of the choice I made - and I suspect your son will, too, if he stays with your DIL. It's not easy, there are a lot of ultimatums in place (ie, medication is not to be abused in any shape or form again if she wants me to stick around), but she claims to be deeply ashamed of her irresponsible/immature choice to claim to have overdosed in an effort to control someone else/manipulate a situation to avoid getting into serious trouble. But this comprehension came about after a lot of therapy/counselling.

Could you suggest to your son that he seeks counselling for himself? I know a lot of therapists have helped "victims" of emotional/physical abuse to realise that they can walk away and not be responsible for the choices their abuser makes, because my daughter's ex was one such individual. If he stays, expect the manipulative behaviour to ramp up and your DIL dig her control over him ever deeper. It will get worse, I suspect, before your son sees the proverbial light. And as his parent, you'll feel like your heart is being ripped out every time your DIL successfully controls/manipulates him into allowing her to get/have her own way. Can you support him through abuse ramping up? Into admitting that his wife's behaviour is abnormal/abusive? Into seeking therapy? Into leaving his marriage? Because it's not an easy path to tread, OP; one not for the faint-hearted.

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