Feeling terrified about NI increase and UC uplift ending

[Isthereroomonthebroom]

Both me and my DP are in low paid jobs. We both have mental health issues, but because we’re considered high functioning, we are still expected to work. He works 30 hours, I work 15, mainly because of childcare costs. We are eligible for the 15 hours free childcare.
We are ‘just about managing’ with help from UC. But because we have a mortgage we don’t get any housing element.

The cost of living has increased since covid and we are now expected to manage on significantly less than now, but on top of that, the NI increase too.

We haven’t had to use a food bank yet, but I think it might happen soon I honestly never expected my life to turn out like this, I’m starting to feel suicidal.
We have a nearly 3 year old son who has his birthday close to Christmas, so that’s two lots of presents we’re going to need to buy, not to mention our nieces and nephews and other relatives, who are in a much better position financially than us, so we’re embarrassed to say we can’t afford to get them anything.

We rely on our parents a lot and they often have to help out financially as both sets of parents are reasonably well off/comfortable, so we are fortunate in that sense, but neither of us likes asking them.

We are both educated to degree level, but are stuck. He doesn’t want to get another job, as he really struggles with change and is abysmal at interviews.

I just don’t know what to do

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way and that you're in such a difficult situation. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

@StylishMummy

How about Amazon/Hermes delivery drivers? Surely mental health can't affect you being in the car on your own with no social pressures? You can pick up shifts to suit you & it's casual. Plus, more hours available around Christmas

Some people cannot even get out of bed with their mental health issues.

Poor mental health can have a severe affect on your physical wellbeing too.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have looked into jobs at weekends/evenings to top up wages, but they seem few and far between where I live.
I would majorly struggle working in a bar or pub as social interaction of that kind is one of the things that makes my mental state much worse.

I also find at the present time I’m only really able to work part time , as looking after my son on top of that is very demanding on my mental health and I have regular nocturnal panic attacks and insomnia meaning I’m tired all the time. By 5pm I’m absolutely exhausted, I can’t imagine then going out to work in the evening.

I also suffer with PMDD, which isn’t fully recognised by the medical profession. About 10 days before my period is due my mood is extremely erratic and I get suicidal thoughts often, also physical symptoms start 10 days prior to bleeding too…general lethargy, palpitations, headaches, cramps in my tummy and back. It’s awful to live with and seems to have got worse since I had my son.

Op have you sought help for your pmdd since you had your son? What about for your other mental illnesses? The insomnia, panic attacks, social anxiety etc?

I think it’s important for you both to seek medical help and focus on being healthy, gifts etc and any other luxury spending will just have to stop. Once you both recover enough to correctlyfunction then you can look at that again, but it’s irrelevant right now. What’s more important is you and your partners health.

@MattHancocksSexTape

To be blunt - one of you will need to pick up an additional job / hours. 45 hours between two of you in a low paid job is not enough.

Yes. UC is there to help but "only" working those hours isn't enough if you want to live.

Op you have a mortgage....this means you have extra needs as well as a child and should work accordingly rather than rely on dp. There are always options for a 2nd job if you're that worried about it. I'm on UC and the last uplift is this month. It was always temporary so you should've planned for the extra stopping. The NI isn't coming yet.
Using a food bank and buying a 3yo Xmas and birthday presents and family when you can't afford it? Your dp obviously know you're skint as you borrow from them. I'd be annoyed if you borrowed money and then spent it on presents rather than food/bills etc.

Could DH do some science tutoring? There’s a much bigger demand for tutoring now - more children whose parents worry they’ve fallen behind in lockdown, and a huge increase in home educated numbers too. Many families are happy with someone who isn’t actually a qualified teacher, if they are more affordable and have a good way of approaching the subject etc. You might find some local families who’d love a bit of help with ks2 or 3. He could teach online too, it’s very different but has a lot of advantages like not needing to travel etc

Op have you sought help for your pmdd since you had your son.
I'm a PMDD sufferer. Steraline vitamin b complex and daily walking really helps.
Also learn mask your moods it is debilitating I'd have a terrible time the past 3 month because I stopped my walking routine and meditation over the school holidays.
Meditation is amazing too.
I'm back in my routine now.

Well stop buying for family for a start.

Could you look for supermarket shifts (surprisingly well paid) or cleaning work to top up your hours? In fact, I'd look to move out of TA-ing altogether the pay is dire.

Or your dh needs to look for evening work or a better paid job if you cant.

OP I don’t know what other MH issues you have but it may be worth looking into ADHD - huge correlation between that and PMDD. I don’t have the latter but I am one of many many late diagnosed women with ADHD and meds for it have transformed my life. I never would’ve imagined I had it until a few years ago either (never been hyperactive etc).

Anyway. I also agree with those who’ve said please PLEASE let your family know you can’t do presents this year. Don’t let some misplaced sense of shame make you spend on toys when you can’t afford to eat! 💐

Just to add about upping the hours. I have mental health problems. I also need to work full time to support me and DD (single parent). I take medication to manage my MH so I can work, just as if I had any other illness.

While I appreciate that not all illnesses can be medicated, it does sound to some extent that you and your partner have given up a bit on trying to achieve more in the workforce.

Please see a Dr about your period problems, there may be medicine available. Also speak to someone about your MH problem and access medication/counseling or whatever may help you. Do this before giving up on being able to work more hours. I know I sound harsh but often by 7pm I'm on my knees after an early start and working all day and usually go to bed with DD to get some sleep!

Re presents. Agree with pp. At 3 second hand or token pressies from Poundland are fine.

Good luck.

@SingToTheSky Yes I’m also thinking I have ADHD and possibly ASD too. All the pieces are falling into place, when I read up on these conditions they sound just like me.

Please seek help for your medical problems. It’s easy to fall into a trap of thinking that there are no solutions but there may be many small things you could do or try that will collectively make a big difference.

Imagine if you and DH were both able to work more hours, earn more, perhaps have more job satisfaction? Would that in itself not reduce some of the stress and anxiety you have?

Talk to your GP and consider whether you could engage in some planning in terms of goals you’d like to achieve. A PP here has listed some helpful ideas. Maybe think about some free online training or other ways to create income and start trying a few things.

And 100% knock off family gifts. Totally unnecessary and now is the time to do it before people start buying.

Is Therese Coffey on Mumsnet or is she just a role model to you people?

The number of respondents here advising "just work more hours", without knowing anything about the OP, really is a sad indictment on empathy and understanding in this country.

I think many people really don't grasp how bad it's going to get with the NI increase, UC uplift ending and the inevitable inflation caused by Brexit, etc. It's not going to be pretty and glib, smartarse responses like "just work more" are really quite disheartening.

My sympathies are with you, OP.

@MaryMcCarthy I don’t think anyone is saying “just work more” like it’s the only thing possible here, just that the OP seems to be looking for help / support / advice and with the limited information given posters try to give practical tips, given that the main issue is lack of money

The number of respondents here advising "just work more hours", without knowing anything about the OP, really is a sad indictment on empathy and understanding in this country.

Well what do you suggest?

Empathy is great and everything, but it’s not solving the OP’s issues.

@MaryMcCarthy

Is Therese Coffey on Mumsnet or is she just a role model to you people?

The number of respondents here advising "just work more hours", without knowing anything about the OP, really is a sad indictment on empathy and understanding in this country.

I think many people really don't grasp how bad it's going to get with the NI increase, UC uplift ending and the inevitable inflation caused by Brexit, etc. It's not going to be pretty and glib, smartarse responses like "just work more" are really quite disheartening.

My sympathies are with you, OP.

Of course people understand how obnoxious, but what else do you suggest when someone says they need more money? What’s she going to do, sell her possessions? Become a scam artist.

The only way to get more money is to work more. The government don’t say “oh is it not enough, sorry mate, here have some more”

I didn't buy toys when dd was three and we were hard up, I sourced stuff from free cycle and got really fabulous things!

A whole lion King set.. About 30 pieces!
A piano key board looked new, train sets, all sorts

So see it you have local one also charity shops, car boots all have toys.
Definitely say its been a tough year to relatives!
Either put a fiver in a card or don't if you can't afford that.. Do. Not. Buy!

If your DP only works school hours, does he do much in parenting your DS? I’d also advise breakfast club, after school clubs and midday supervising - these are how TAs tend to make more.

Can you ask school if there are any opportunities to increase your hours or take on extra duties?

@MaryMcCarthy

Is Therese Coffey on Mumsnet or is she just a role model to you people?

The number of respondents here advising "just work more hours", without knowing anything about the OP, really is a sad indictment on empathy and understanding in this country.

I think many people really don't grasp how bad it's going to get with the NI increase, UC uplift ending and the inevitable inflation caused by Brexit, etc. It's not going to be pretty and glib, smartarse responses like "just work more" are really quite disheartening.

My sympathies are with you, OP.

Well, what do you suggest OP does to keep the roof over her son’s head and food on the table?

All of the posters condemning those of us who have suggested OP increases her hours, haven’t suggested a single thing bar going to Poundland for Christmas presents.

There's nothing we can suggest. Fact is the country voted in a government that has very little concern for the lowest earners in society and as a result the next few years are going to be very hard indeed. There's no sugar coating it.

@MaryMcCarthy

Is Therese Coffey on Mumsnet or is she just a role model to you people?

The number of respondents here advising "just work more hours", without knowing anything about the OP, really is a sad indictment on empathy and understanding in this country.

I think many people really don't grasp how bad it's going to get with the NI increase, UC uplift ending and the inevitable inflation caused by Brexit, etc. It's not going to be pretty and glib, smartarse responses like "just work more" are really quite disheartening.

My sympathies are with you, OP.

I think all our sympathies are with the OP. But what would your suggestion be as to what she does? If money is tight there is only an option of earning more or spending less. They are already relying on parents so that’s an avenue already explored.

It’s really difficult when you are on UC because of the sliding scale of the benefit. Effectively for every additional pound the OP or her partner would earn she would lose 63p of her UC claim. So in effect she would be working for an extra 27p out of each pound she would earn, then add on the extra tax and NI an increased salary would attract and you really have to question whether it is worth working a few extra hours. It is only really beneficial if you are able to jump your earnings sufficiently to no longer qualify for UC which is impossible with a second part time job.

I am trapped in a similar position as a low earning TA working 28hrs a week. I am a single parent with a school aged child who has additional needs. I also have a mortgage and am degree educated.

My plan is long term and once my child is older I plan to complete an NVQ assessors course and look at teaching in FE.

Definitely speak to your family and try to reduce your stress about Xmas, keep a budget and write down all purchases so you can see if there is anywhere you can cut back. Sell anything you don’t use as a starting point for savings.

Look into the UC savings plan from the govt, they pay you 25% of what you’ve paid in at the end of 4 years I’m saving for house repairs using it.

Good luck Op

Please don’t be embarrassed to talk to your family about scaling back gift giving. We are the better off family members and we were actually really happy to scale back. I would much rather focus on spending time with my relatives than on worrying about shopping for dozens of presents. Our family rule now is that people just buy for the kids, unless they happen upon a gift they just feel compelled to give someone.

My young dd frequently got used or homemade presents at that age. They are the right age for things for such a short time when they are little that it just doesn’t make sense for anyone’s budget or for the environment to buy everything new.

I think a lot of people saying to go for extra work are being simplistic. If you have mh problems then pushing yourself too hard won't help! First cut down presents at Christmas. Next be strict with your cash and only buy the essentials. If you still struggle maybe look at moving down or selling then renting. Not really what you want to hear but needs must .can family help at all

As you both have long school vacations can either of you work during them, and fhen save the money for other times? Join a temp agency? You’re both home so maybe one of you could use something like the summer hols to earn some extra to put by for Xmas, birthdays and other needs? Or is this not feasible due to mental health issues?