Feeling terrified about NI increase and UC uplift ending

[Isthereroomonthebroom]

Both me and my DP are in low paid jobs. We both have mental health issues, but because we’re considered high functioning, we are still expected to work. He works 30 hours, I work 15, mainly because of childcare costs. We are eligible for the 15 hours free childcare.
We are ‘just about managing’ with help from UC. But because we have a mortgage we don’t get any housing element.

The cost of living has increased since covid and we are now expected to manage on significantly less than now, but on top of that, the NI increase too.

We haven’t had to use a food bank yet, but I think it might happen soon I honestly never expected my life to turn out like this, I’m starting to feel suicidal.
We have a nearly 3 year old son who has his birthday close to Christmas, so that’s two lots of presents we’re going to need to buy, not to mention our nieces and nephews and other relatives, who are in a much better position financially than us, so we’re embarrassed to say we can’t afford to get them anything.

We rely on our parents a lot and they often have to help out financially as both sets of parents are reasonably well off/comfortable, so we are fortunate in that sense, but neither of us likes asking them.

We are both educated to degree level, but are stuck. He doesn’t want to get another job, as he really struggles with change and is abysmal at interviews.

I just don’t know what to do

I’m sorry for your mental health issues, but when you had a child you took on the greatest of responsibilities and it is your duty to work and provide for him.

No wonder mental health issues are still stigmatised with comments like this.

You’d never dream of saying “I’m sorry for your MS/Parkinson’s/physical disability, but…”

If you haven't already done this, I would suggest cutting back on your food bill. Careful menu planning, buying the cheapest brands, cutting back on meat, buying yellow sticker food, etc etc. You might be able to save a little bit there each week.

I echo what other posters have said- be open with your families. If you tell them you’re struggling I’m sure they’ll empathise and certainly won’t expect you to buy Christmas presents for everyone this year. And with regards to your son- he’s only 3 so you don’t need to spend a lot of money. Have a look around for bits at the pound shop or charity shops, it’s mainly just about the excitement of unwrapping things at that age. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

Message people now, today, and say you won’t be doing presents this year. The closer to Christmas it is, the harder it is to do, and the more chance that there is that people will have started shopping. In early September, most people will happily accept it.

If he can’t get more hours, can you swap so you work full time instead, and he works less? Or get a second job, if there’s no more TA hours available?

Is there an opportunity for weekend work? I’ve done weekend work as a museum steward previously and also in a book shop and evening work in a call centre at times too. Sign up to a temp agency and you might get opportunities to bring in extra cash, especially in the school holidays when holiday clubs run. Libraries sometimes also offer evening / weekend/ holiday shifts too.

Having a present amnesty with my brother was the best thing we ever did - his family are short on cash and mine are short on time. We send cards now but no presents, and I actually feel better that they're not spending their hard earned income on something I won't get much use from. My best ever presents from my nephews have been school photos, drawings and hand made cards - they're kept up year after year on my mantelpiece because I'm so proud of them.

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

I second sending a message now to say you won't be able to buy for extended/immediate family this year. Send it now as that way when they start their Christmas shopping they also know not to buy.

Have either of you tried applying for PIP. You can get PIP whilst working and also looking at the work element ESA on UC?

Try community food fridges or food share also these do not need a referral to top up food shopping.

What about a shift in a pub fot a couple of evenings or in a restaurant then you get tips too? No childcare needed at all.

I did it years ago for a bit of extra money

A present amnesty is great idea.

Saves time, money and is environmentally friendly.

@JustLyra

I’m sorry for your mental health issues, but when you had a child you took on the greatest of responsibilities and it is your duty to work and provide for him.

No wonder mental health issues are still stigmatised with comments like this.

You’d never dream of saying “I’m sorry for your MS/Parkinson’s/physical disability, but…”

Op had a child, and now has a duty to provide for him. I get what you’re saying, but MH is a bit more of a grey area than physical disability which physically prevents you from doing certain things. The bottom line is working part time isn’t something Op can afford right now.

Also second job wise if you feel one of you can op

If you have a major sporting stadium next to you they often hire match day hospitality. So you could work the football/rugby matches and or concerts. They are more and hoc then than a regular weekend thing.

@JustLyra

I’m sorry for your mental health issues, but when you had a child you took on the greatest of responsibilities and it is your duty to work and provide for him.

No wonder mental health issues are still stigmatised with comments like this.

You’d never dream of saying “I’m sorry for your MS/Parkinson’s/physical disability, but…”

Exactly what I was just going to say. Some days my partner cannot leave his bed, some days I have to help him shower and eat. Some days he can crack on with no issues. People who are lucky enough to never experience crippling MH issues have no clue.

No advice OP but sending love

@Realyorkshiretea
What’s the grey area? A medical condition that you cannot see compared to one you can?

There are smany openings in care and hospitality at the moment that either of you could do an extra 10 hours a week in the evenings or weekends requiing no child care costs - huge difference even if you can only manage it till Christmas xxx

If anyone is in this situation in Bristol, can I recommend looking up "mamas swaps and freebies". It's a community group where families share things they no longer need and around Christmas we share lots of good quality presents as well as Christmas jumpers etc. It's about sharing resources and reducing waste but if you need support it's there without judgement.

There's a linked community group which provides support and advice to people in exactly ops situation and there's often surplus food from supermarkets being shared.

Mental health isn't something you just get over or work through. I'm so sorry this is the advice people are getting.

We both work in schools. Him as a cover supervisor/general pupil support at a secondary school in the classroom and I work as a part time TA in a primary school.
Therefore there aren’t any additional hours to pick up.

TAs at our primary make a healthy amount on the side babysitting as they're known and liked by the kids and parents. They charge £10 an hour and get a lot of offers. As your DP doesn't work evenings, this is an option for you - even a couple of nights a week would add to a decent extra chunk a month and it's not a job that would interfere with MH.

TAs also take on extra hours at our breakfast and afterschool club, holiday clubs and do lunchtime supervisor roles to top up their hours. Are any of these viable when you're not looking after your own DC? Holiday club work in particular could be good as you're both in teaching so presumably get the long breaks and could tag-team the childcare.

Op had a child, and now has a duty to provide for him. I get what you’re saying, but MH is a bit more of a grey area than physical disability which physically prevents you from doing certain things. The bottom line is working part time isn’t something Op can afford right now.

@Realyorkshiretea There is no grey area. If health prevents working full time then it shouldn’t matter what kind of health that is. People like yourself need to educate themselves on hidden disabilities - they are often no less physically debilitating just because you can’t see them before you start dismissing them in the way you have here.

Can 1 of you pick up some bar or delivery work in the evening or weekend?
I know how difficult it can be when you're struggling with your mental health but constantly worrying about money won't help whereas doing a couple of extra hours at work in a relatively low stress environment (I know hospitality jobs are really crap but likely less stressful than a school) could actually help with both your self esteem and financial worries.
Yes it will mean seeing less of your dh and ds and your dh will have to pick up the slack around the house and looking after your ds

How about Amazon/Hermes delivery drivers? Surely mental health can't affect you being in the car on your own with no social pressures? You can pick up shifts to suit you & it's casual. Plus, more hours available around Christmas

I would just tell your siblings that things are tight for you and you don't want to give or receive presents at Christmas or birthdays this year. Lots of families do this. Some do it for financial reasons, some because buying everyone is a lot of hassle and some do it because of the consumerism and environmental damage involved in buying lots of people presents they don't necessarily want. You really won't be alone in not buying a lot of junk for Christmas. You can get good presents cheaply for your 3 year old if you have a good look on the Internet, ebay and gum tree and local selling pages. You don't need to spend much when they are little. They don't know or care.
I don't think you need to feel pressurised into working more. Your mental health is important. You both work and have a young child. You aren't doing anything wrong having one parent working part time and looking after your DC. You can wind down Christmas, not spend much on his birthday and continue to look after your mental health and spend time with your child.

I imagine working in a classroom is quite overwhelming due to noise and huge amounts of constant interaction.

I would suggest looking for a second job that is very quiet. My DS GF was working as a nighttime order picker in a warehouse, there was a premium paid on top as a nightshift. She is a student and did one long shift a week of 9 hours. It was hard physical work but almost no interaction with others. It’s actually why she didn’t like it but for anyone who needs to not be overloaded with interaction it’s ideal.

@JustLyra

Op had a child, and now has a duty to provide for him. I get what you’re saying, but MH is a bit more of a grey area than physical disability which physically prevents you from doing certain things. The bottom line is working part time isn’t something Op can afford right now.

@Realyorkshiretea There is no grey area. If health prevents working full time then it shouldn’t matter what kind of health that is. People like yourself need to educate themselves on hidden disabilities - they are often no less physically debilitating just because you can’t see them before you start dismissing them in the way you have here.

Thanks but I have 2 ‘hidden’ disabilities, one MH related and one physical, so I’m pretty well educated on the matter thanks.

But when you choose to have a child, you make a commitment to provide for them. It’s a choice and you have to factor in your ability to do that.

I hope Op is receiving the help she needs for it.

could you apply for a new full time position somewhere else OP?

Thanks but I have 2 ‘hidden’ disabilities, one MH related and one physical, so I’m pretty well educated on the matter thanks.

That makes your attitude all the more bizarre.

But when you choose to have a child, you make a commitment to provide for them. It’s a choice and you have to factor in your ability to do that.

Which also includes knowing your limitations. Making herself more ill, for example by working more hours, wouldn’t help anyone.

OK, first of all you need to take control of what you can take controls of.

Food bank - if you need to use it then use it. That's what they're there for. Having more leeway in your budget will ease the pressure.

Nieces / nephews / other relatives, stop buying and tell them you're stopping buying. I stopped years ago. A few kept and keep buying which annoys me but that's their choice.

We rely on our parents a lot and they often have to help out financially as both sets of parents are reasonably well off/comfortable, so we are fortunate in that sense, but neither of us likes asking them. See above.

I get it, it's tough but you can help yourselves and you'll feel all the better for it!

We are both educated to degree level, but are stuck. He doesn’t want to get another job, as he really struggles with change and is abysmal at interviews.

I just don’t know what to do sad