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AIBU?

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Original poster

Trying to relax when TTC is shit advice

114 replies

postingfortraffichere · 12/09/2021 22:26

I hear so many people say this. 'Just relax' it happened for us as soon as we started to 'relax'.

Now I understand the sentiment behind it but I really don't know how people think I can just 'forget' that it's the tww and forget to remember ovulation and keep alcohol intake low etc.

It's just annoying advice.

Did anyone not 'relax' and still manage to conceive? Because I find 'forgetting about it' impossible.

OP posts:
squirrelnutkins1 · 12/09/2021 22:32

The most annoying 'advice'!!!

bwfcchick88 · 12/09/2021 22:34

So, so annoying!!

Superfoodie123 · 12/09/2021 22:34

Got nothing to add except I feel you OP. Last month tried my best not to give a damn, I really believed I couldn't care less, but lo and behold my period turned up 🤣

TheGoogleMum · 12/09/2021 22:37

Yeah trying to force relaxing doesn't work either! Need a genuine reason to be more relaxed about it, that's how it happened for us anyway...

NewlyGranny · 12/09/2021 22:37

It's lazy, hurtful and inaccurate. I lost count of the people who told me I just needed to relax, including several doctors. Turned out I had endometriosis scarring so bad it had welded everything together in my pelvis. Zero chance of conception without the drugs and surgery I eventually got.

Did anyone apologise after the diagnosis? Just one, my lovely GP who could not do enough to help afterwards.

If you're feeling cynical, carry an imaginary infertility bingo card and cross the myths, platitudes and daft ideas off as you hear them.

"Ooh, I was waiting for that one! Hadn't heard it this week yet. I just need a "Why don't you just adopt a baby?" for a full house now. 🙄

CassandraTrotter · 12/09/2021 22:38

I hear so many people say this. 'Just relax' it happened for us as soon as we started to 'relax'… I really don't know how people think I can just 'forget' that it's the tww and forget to remember ovulation and keep alcohol intake low etc.

How many people are you talking to about your sex life and how often? That might be why you’re hearing it from so many people. If anyone asks you about your plans for ttc look shocked and tell them that’s personal.

HelplessProcrastinator · 12/09/2021 22:40

It worked for me, well I got pregnant when distracted by a crazy road trip ‘holiday’. But it could have been a coincidence, I’ll never know for sure. I would never tell some TTC to relax though.

CurbsideProphet · 12/09/2021 22:44

I was diagnosed with "needing to relax" by a GP and via a telephone appointment with a gynaecologist. I'm now with an IVF clinic. I've never heard of men being told to relax away medical concerns / issues 🙄

Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 12/09/2021 22:46

Yes I was told this not just by friends but also a fertility doctor. Only said this to me not DH, it's just patronising AF, rude and disingenuous

OP posts:
ThatScottishLass · 12/09/2021 22:46

I HATED THIS ADVICE! Also it didn’t work for me, I insisted on getting everything checked and ended up finding the problem (blocked tubes, found and freed on HSG) would never have got pregnant of I had just “relaxed” as everyone kept telling me. As it is I got pregnant the month after and have a beautiful daughter who wouldn’t exist today if it weren’t for my insistence.

Willow231 · 12/09/2021 22:47

Yep, that old chestnut. Add to the list "it'll happen when it's your time", "it'll happen when you least expect it", and the one I especially hate and have to summon every ounce of resistance in my body in order not to throat punch the orator relaying it to me, "everything happens for a reason". Just fuck off 🖕🖕🖕

Extragherkinsplease · 12/09/2021 22:49

The best advice I was given… start trying the day after you finish your period,
We were TTC for nearly 3 years and just about to be sent to the fertility clinic after test results showing all was ok. Someone told me not to wait for ovulation but to try at the start of the cycle instead.

I’m now 18 week’s pregnant!

Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 12/09/2021 22:50

@Extragherkinsplease congrats on your pregnancy Thanks

I have tried starting day after period but then by the time ovulation comes I'm fed up of sex to be honest.

Every other day is exhausting AF

OP posts:
Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 12/09/2021 22:52

@Willow231

Yep, that old chestnut. Add to the list "it'll happen when it's your time", "it'll happen when you least expect it", and the one I especially hate and have to summon every ounce of resistance in my body in order not to throat punch the orator relaying it to me, "everything happens for a reason". Just fuck off 🖕🖕🖕
Exactly this. I wish people would just fuck off with their advice sometimes.

Particularly when they've had no losses, no issues falling pregnant. I want to say, fuck off with your smugness 🖕

OP posts:
User65412 · 12/09/2021 22:54

Yes I hated this advice! That's the difference between sympathy and empathy.
I like control so started taking my temp and bbt charting as well as monitoring other markets such as cm. 'relaxing' didn't work for me but tracking my cycles in detail did. I may have got pregnant anyway but I definitely felt better knowing I was doing something proactive! Also didn't tell anyone except medical professionals as I just didn't need to hear it!

Scubalubs87 · 12/09/2021 23:04

I hated this! HATED it. It did however happen that way for me - albeit, not because I became some sort of zen master. The month I finally fell pregnant, we were absolutely not trying; I'd had enough and I couldn't do it anymore. We had our first appointment at a fertility clinic the next month and I was just waiting for that. Trying was off the cards. The one and only time we had sex that month was after we got pissed at wedding. And somehow, that month was the month. I do very much believe that stress was a major factor in our problem conceiving but no one telling me to relax would have ever made me actually relax. And, ultimately, I was just incredibly lucky that there wasn't anything else at play stopping us from conceiving.

'Everything happens for a reason' is such an awful comment to make.

gogohm · 12/09/2021 23:12

There's two angles from this - from a medical perspective you need to approach your gp after the appropriate amount of time (typically 6months or a year depending on your age) and go through the tests they suggest etc but from a lay perspective hearing people planning to do temperature charts, ovulation monitoring etc before they even start to ttc would prompt me to say just relax and enjoy having lots of sex!

Peaplant20 · 12/09/2021 23:31

Totally with you OP. I did not relax and had no problem conceiving so don’t worry it won’t actually prevent you conceiving! I do think there is some logic to it though as stress hormones are bad for us in many ways. I agree with some previous comments - having sex throughout the month not just in the ovulation window, and tracking cycles x good luck!

Yestoallthecake · 12/09/2021 23:53

I lost ivf twins at 20 weeks. 3 months later went on holiday, just needed a break from everything. I was obviously still aware of my cycle, how could you not after years of TTC. I came home from that holiday pregnant with my now 5 year old. I didn’t relax, my body just knew what it was now supposed to do as it had a practise run.

Aorh · 13/09/2021 01:10

“Just read and it’ll happen” winds me up.

“Recognise that it can be a difficult journey and take the time to look after yourself and her as much relaxation in as you can so that difficult journey is slightly easier to deal with” is very true.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2021 01:15

It definitely works for some people so it’s a well meaning suggestion. I have friends who were about to start interventions but went on nice holidays and fell pregnant. One of them is very close and I’m sure she’d have reacted like you on being told to relax, but did destress on holiday! Obviously not if you have other medical issues as some on this thread mention.

ThatCampWitch · 13/09/2021 08:09

It took me 3 years to finally conceive the one I’m 14 weeks pregnant with now, with 3 miscarriages along the way. I need a huge cocktail of drugs including hormones and blood thinners to sustain a pregnancy. Relaxing doesn’t come into it!

FrangipanFlower · 13/09/2021 08:26

After struggling to conceive and four losses, I now never ever offer anyone advice or platitudes if they’re TTC unless they ask. The relaxing thing pissed me off to high heaven no matter how well meaning. It’s up there with “Well, at least you can get pregnant!” And “Everything happens for a reason”.

Avenueofcherryblossom · 13/09/2021 08:40

Trigger warning

I had the try to relax advice. If you have to relax to get pregnant why do victims of rape and sexual assault get pregnant? Why are women in war torn countries and refugee camps getting pregnant?

‘Try to relax’ is the most ridiculous advice. As for ‘everything happens for a reason’ no one would say that to someone whose child had just died or whose partner had a terminal illness so why is it okay to say to people (women) struggling to conceive or with miscarriage?

As it happened male infertility was the problem in my case.

BelieveInRainbows · 13/09/2021 08:42

It took me a year to get pregnant, then I miscarried twice in a row. I already had 2 children so what I got most was to "appreciate what you already have" as if I didn't Hmm Wanting a 3rd child was the absolute worst thing in the world apparently.
The advice to relax and enjoy lots of sex was unhelpful too because we both have pretty shit sex drives, I ovulate around day 21 of a 34 day cycle and we'd be exhausted by the time that rolled around if we did it every other day! We'd do it 3 times in my window and honestly that was us done for the month most of the time.
I temped, I tracked ovulation, I peed on sticks galore from 8DPO. I would have loved to relax but I was consumed with having another baby and the miscarriages only heightened that feeling. The obsessing worked eventually, 18 months later and I'm 13 weeks pregnant.
Not being able to relax won't stop you from conceiving, it's probably better for your mental health but it's definitely easier said than done.