Trying to relax when TTC is shit advice

[postingfortraffichere]

I hear so many people say this. 'Just relax' it happened for us as soon as we started to 'relax'.

Now I understand the sentiment behind it but I really don't know how people think I can just 'forget' that it's the tww and forget to remember ovulation and keep alcohol intake low etc.

It's just annoying advice.

Did anyone not 'relax' and still manage to conceive? Because I find 'forgetting about it' impossible.

It's so annoying! Like the OP it's not like I can manage to forget it, this is all I am thinking about 24/7.

I hated this advice.
But it also did sort of happen this way for me. Process of being diagnosed with a disability distracted me from TTC and then it happened.
Also had after my fourth devastating miscarriage in a row “at least you can get pregnant!” Thanks.

You really can't win when TTC. If you tell people, you get patronising, ridiculous 'advice' that makes you murderous inside. If you keep it to yourselves you get patronising, intrusive questions about when you're having children and why haven't you got started because "Tick, tock!"

For a young normally fertile couple, the chances of getting pregnant are about 1in 6, same as rolling a die. You might roll that 6 first time or it could take a dozen or more and it doesn't mean anything's wrong, though you might be feeling desperate by that Christmas you fondly imagined would see you cuddling a baby, or at least pregnant.

For some, older or with an issue somewhere, it can be like trying to roll double 6 with two dice, like getting out of jail in monopoly. The months seem very long and the disappointment tastes more bitter every time.

My ancient experience now is simply that everyone from my infertility group who persisted succeeded in the end. It was the most heartbreaking and stressful 7 years of my own life, bar none. I'd do it all again if I had to but I'm not grateful for what I learned or able to see any good in it or any of that twaddle. It hurt like hell and it dented my personality in ways that can't be repaired.

Since my now-adult DC have been old enough to understand what we went through for them, they have never doubted how loved and wanted they were and are, so I guess that's one good thing.

I would advocate for the 'not relaxing' approach. It's impossible to relax anyway, but if you keep your eye on the ball...no pun intended...maybe ;) And it still doesn't happen, at least you know you've done all you can when the dreaded Aunt Flo arrives and you just weren't lucky that month.
All the best for your TTC journey, it really is unavoidably stressful! x

I only thing 'relax' is sound advice when someone is putting massive amounts of strain on themselves ttc and it's taking over their lives. I wouldn't actually say it to anyone in real life though, and I've heard it plenty of times when people have said it to me which is ironic because I never massively stressed over ttc even though it took us years and it was infuriating like people say it when they can think of nothing else!
My friend who after not wanting kids changed her mind and fell pregnant the first month, unfortunately it ended in a miscarriage and a real yearning for baby began (totally understandable) but because she was recovering from the grief of her pregnancy and was desperate to ttc she started to panic when it didn't happen right away, she was trying really crazy things to get pregnant and you could see the strain on her and she said she could think of nothing else, I really knew she needed to relax because it was making her ill but didn't want to say that to her. After 6 months she started looking into ivf, and at 10 months she was about to start treatment but fell pregnant naturally, she even said herself it was because knew she was having medical intervention she relaxed about it. But usually no, it's a daft thing to say to someone because even if they did need to relax telling them to relax won't make any difference!

@NewlyGranny

It's lazy, hurtful and inaccurate. I lost count of the people who told me I just needed to relax, including several doctors. Turned out I had endometriosis scarring so bad it had welded everything together in my pelvis. Zero chance of conception without the drugs and surgery I eventually got.

Did anyone apologise after the diagnosis? Just one, my lovely GP who could not do enough to help afterwards.

If you're feeling cynical, carry an imaginary infertility bingo card and cross the myths, platitudes and daft ideas off as you hear them.

"Ooh, I was waiting for that one! Hadn't heard it this week yet. I just need a "Why don't you just adopt a baby?" for a full house now. 🙄

• carry an imaginary infertility bingo card and cross the myths, platitudes and daft ideas off as you hear them.

"Ooh, I was waiting for that one! Hadn't heard it this week yet. I just need a "Why don't you just adopt a baby?" for a full house now. 🙄*

How incredibly rude People are just trying to be supportive. What exactly do you expect them to say? "Oh dear. Brew?"

A GP told me this when I made an appointment with him just before I started TTC, because I had a gut feeling it wouldn't be easy. He was really dismissive of my concerns. I have since had three miscarriages. Obviously I wasn't happy to be proved right, given the circumstances, but his attitude really fucked me off.

The thing is that I was incredibly relaxed when we decided to ttc. We had no timeline in mind so it was just a case of having sex and hoping for the best. 17yrs later with no sign of a pregnancy in all that time I wasn't so relaxed.

Just relax is right up there with lose some weight. If losing weight worked how come 90% of the people in the fertility clinic were slim?

I do remember feeling that I was fortunate though that I didn't get pregnant at all. Being able to get pregnant but unable to sustain it seemed far more traumatic to me.

@itssquidstella

A GP told me this when I made an appointment with him just before I started TTC, because I had a gut feeling it wouldn't be easy. He was really dismissive of my concerns. I have since had three miscarriages. Obviously I wasn't happy to be proved right, given the circumstances, but his attitude really fucked me off.

I really hate it when doctors do this.

I had a really bad feeling before TTC that it would be a difficult journey, due to severe endometriosis and some other gynae issues. Thankfully I was proven wrong and it went okay, but if a doctor had told me to relax I think I'd have lost it. It's so invalidating and has no basis in evidence.

A consultant gynae we saw before TTC said not to bother with OPKs or scheduling sex or anything, just had sex every other day and you're guaranteed to hit ovulation whenever it is. Totally failed to read my notes and recognise that I suffer from extreme pain during sex, so that would have meant all month long I'd be in agony using morphine to cope with the side effects of regular sex. As it was we used OPKs from the start so we could target our efforts, it was the best choice for us.

I'm really sorry for your loss. You'd think doctors would be more empathetic. DH is a doc and said it's really, really common for women to feel like it won't happen for them. The correct response isn't to say 'just relax' which is patronising, it's to acknowledge someone's worries and fears, acknowledge that the not knowing is scary and reassure that if there are issues then there's every chance medicine will be able to help.

@nokidshere

The thing is that I was incredibly relaxed when we decided to ttc. We had no timeline in mind so it was just a case of having sex and hoping for the best. 17yrs later with no sign of a pregnancy in all that time I wasn't so relaxed.

Just relax is right up there with lose some weight. If losing weight worked how come 90% of the people in the fertility clinic were slim?

I do remember feeling that I was fortunate though that I didn't get pregnant at all. Being able to get pregnant but unable to sustain it seemed far more traumatic to me.

To be fair, losing weight does impact fertility if you lose enough weight to get into the overweight BMI category. If you're obese then it does make it statistically less likely that you'll be able to conceive and sustain a health pregnancy. It doesn't guarantee you'll get pregnant and have a child of course, but it increases your chances. Doctors would be remiss not to advise someone to lose weight if they're obese as it's a concrete thing you can do to improve your chances, even if it doesn't come with a guarantee.

I agree it's not helpful advice. I didn't relax atall when ttc. I had the ovulation sticks, was taking my temperature, planning the right time for sex, being hyper vigilant to any potential symptom in the tww! So no you don't need to be relaxed to conceive.

We didn't 'just relax'. Particularly the second time when we were both knackered from having a non-sleeping toddler so sex was never just going to happen spontaneously. We did it for the first and last time five days in a row over my fertile period and bingo.

Yanbu. It's single handedly the most infuriating piece of "advice" I've ever received in my entire life. We were waiting for IVF but they kept finding things wrong with me- "relaxing" wasn't going to cut it. The sole thing I credit with actually getting pregnant was totally giving up hope, sliding into a depression so deep that I started hoarding paracetamol and then getting so unbelievably drunk that when I got got my bfp I thought that I had inevitably massively damaged the baby because of the sheer volume I'd drank over the two weeks. As a conception technique I really wouldn't recommend it.

I had been trying for over a year and the best advice I was given was to have sex every other day from the moment your period ends to when it starts again. I was pregnant the next month.

It’s so annoying and completely unhelpful if you have a specific issue impacting your fertility. For some couples no amount of bloody relaxing will help.

I never ‘relaxed’ about TTC, I found it impossible. The never ending cycle of hope and disappointment.

I did do things to help me relax such as massages, sports, nice bath, generally being kind to myself. But this was more to support my mental health through the process not my ovaries!

I have two children now (and none of us a relaxed people!).

It really is unhelpful advice and much easier said than done, especially if the person giving it is already pregnant or have a baby.

For what it's worth, although DH and I were TTC (ovulation tests, Flo app etc), there was one month where I didn't get a positive ovulation test. I thought I was out for that cycle, but, a couple of weeks later, I got my BFP (I'm guessing I just took my ovulation tests at the wrong times and missed my peak). Now currently 31 weeks pregnant with our baby girl :)

Hang in there, I feel your frustration!

Thanks @SaladDayz. I'm now just over four weeks pregnant again and utterly convinced it'll end in another miscarriage. No relaxing happening here! 😂

Making the decision to stop contraception and ttc was wonderfully relaxing. Actually enjoying sex without chemicals in my body or irritating condoms. I was just sorry it only took a couple of months as we didn't bother with timing. Unless there is a reason, like your age, I can't imagine it being anything but relaxing! I guess if it was taking ages then I would start to worry.

I hated this advice too.

That said, after 2 years of trying I'd started to reach a stage of acceptance that it wouldn't happen naturally for us. I'd started to plan our childless life and what that would look like. I didn't really want to do IVF but agreed to our 1 fresh NHS round just to say we'd tried it. I'd stopped tracking as I knew my body by that point.

DH was sent away for work from ovulation to period, I was getting ready for IVF on my next cycle and boom! That's when DS decided to be conceived... our pre ovulation see you in 2 weeks sex.

Telling you to relax is shit, I didn't relax I accepted defeat. I'm not sure that's the same.

We'd also been taking proxeed for 4 months by that time and the box said take for 4 months or until you're pregnant 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t know if they literally mean “relax”. Just that all the testing and counting scheduling etc might not be helping if it’s becoming stressful - as stress is not helpful for fertility either. If there’s a cause for infertility then that’s different, but other than that having sex with your partner is supposed to be fun! If you have extra energy to put into conception it’s better spent on improving your overall health, of both of you.

@SweetBabyCheeses99 oh I think some people do mean relax - with a subtext of "don't be such an uptight bitch, it's your own fault you can't get pregnant."

To be fair, losing weight does impact fertility if you lose enough weight to get into the overweight BMI category. If you're obese then it does make it statistically less likely that you'll be able to conceive and sustain a health pregnancy. It doesn't guarantee you'll get pregnant and have a child of course, but it increases your chances. Doctors would be remiss not to advise someone to lose weight if they're obese as it's a concrete thing you can do to improve your chances, even if it doesn't come with a guarantee.

I wasn't overweight and the problem was a medical one.

@nokidshere

To be fair, losing weight does impact fertility if you lose enough weight to get into the overweight BMI category. If you're obese then it does make it statistically less likely that you'll be able to conceive and sustain a health pregnancy. It doesn't guarantee you'll get pregnant and have a child of course, but it increases your chances. Doctors would be remiss not to advise someone to lose weight if they're obese as it's a concrete thing you can do to improve your chances, even if it doesn't come with a guarantee.

I wasn't overweight and the problem was a medical one.

Okay, I was replying to your statement:

Just relax is right up there with lose some weight. If losing weight worked how come 90% of the people in the fertility clinic were slim?

‘Just relax’ is patronising bullshit. Advising someone to lose weight if they’re obese is sound clinical advice. If you meant it’s bad advice when said to people who are already a healthy weight then I misunderstood your point, apologies if so.

@Janey3090

Totally agree OP. Currently TTC baby #1 and have been doing so for a while. Got a call with the doctors later to investigate my very short luteal phase and reasons behind it.

All friends/family keep saying to me is 'if you relax it will happen, that's what happened with me blah blah'. May sound harsh but I honestly just want to tell them to shut up!

@Janey3090 I’m just wondering how you got on with your GP? Short luteal phase is my issue too; I begin spotting from 10DPO.

It's total bull shit and simply not true. I conceived twice under stressful circumstances and have 2 healthy girls.