Trying to relax when TTC is shit advice

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I hear so many people say this. 'Just relax' it happened for us as soon as we started to 'relax'.

Now I understand the sentiment behind it but I really don't know how people think I can just 'forget' that it's the tww and forget to remember ovulation and keep alcohol intake low etc.

It's just annoying advice.

Did anyone not 'relax' and still manage to conceive? Because I find 'forgetting about it' impossible.

Yep! Most stressful month we conceived! Failed IVF ttc for 2.5 years unexplained infertility. IVF cycle didn't go to plan, lasted nearly 12 weeks rather than 6. Felt emotionally drained and dreaded the next round and the mental toll it takes on you. Due to start our next round, so we had the most regimented, unromantic sex on my ovulation days and fell pregnant. Never felt more stressed than then.
As I was told by fertility consultants that people conceive under great amounts of stress for example war torn countries.
I hate this advice from people who haven't taken very long to conceive (Ie under a year!)

@Livia22 I'm not sure if this will help you, but I'll share anyway. I spot from about 10dpo as well. I always have. When im not TTC I like it as it gives me an early warning lol.

More than one fertility doctor told me that spotting wasn't an issue or barrier to conception. LP is always from ovulation to CD1 so even though I spotted at 10dpo, my LP was still 14 days.

Sadly we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility but thankfully we were able to have babies after a long wait for them

We had a proper medical problem that friends knew about and some of them still said this to me...

Yep I hated it too, multiple gps told me to relax. Turned out we had severe male factor infertility (and we were too old for NHS ivf) and 2 years after starting ttc we are now approved to adopt.

It wasn't a helpful phrase for either of us

[quote Twizbe]@Livia22 I'm not sure if this will help you, but I'll share anyway. I spot from about 10dpo as well. I always have. When im not TTC I like it as it gives me an early warning lol.

More than one fertility doctor told me that spotting wasn't an issue or barrier to conception. LP is always from ovulation to CD1 so even though I spotted at 10dpo, my LP was still 14 days.

Sadly we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility but thankfully we were able to have babies after a long wait for them [/quote]
Ah that’s really interesting, thank you.

Yes, it has saved me a fortune in pregnancy tests as I know from 10dpo that I’m definitively not pregnant!

I spot quite a bit, especially over the six days, so personally I wonder quite how an egg could implant if the space it’s trying to implant into is getting smaller every day! But what do I know. 🙈

Ignorance is bliss.

You're more likely to conceive if you don't know too much about it. You can't relax when you know too much, like when you're ovulating or in the TWW but those that are relaxed are likely to concieve cos they're just going with the flow.

Its a pointless piece of advice when you're in too deep, I agree.

The months I got pregnant I spotted too but it was less and later.

Then I bled on and off through my first trimesters ... my body likes to bleed it seems lol

I don't know how it's possible to relax and not think about it while you are actually still trying, maybe stop checking dates etc and get on with enjoying each other, although we never achieved that.

Forgetting about it for real did work for us. After nine years we decided it wasn't going to be, set about creating a different future than the one we'd imagined and spent the money we'd saved for baby/maternity leave on a great holiday.

Came back pregnant

Well, I would never ever say it to anyone or really think it..

But in my case, TTC DC1, I was so obsessed for 12 months, tracked ovulation, must have DTD nearly 100 times in total, not a hint. The next month, after going to the GP and having initial fertility tests, we conceived... I don't know whether the feeling of it now being more out of our hands helped? 🤷‍♀️

Also DC2, it was a couple of months before we had 'planned' to start TTC again.. Actually almost didn't want to conceive.. And we did. After trying once...

So obviously in people who have actual fertility issues and will need intervention, no of course telling them to relax isn't going to help. For others, there is probably something in it.

@BobsBurgersisthebest

Ignorance is bliss.

You're more likely to conceive if you don't know too much about it. You can't relax when you know too much, like when you're ovulating or in the TWW but those that are relaxed are likely to concieve cos they're just going with the flow.

Its a pointless piece of advice when you're in too deep, I agree.

Wtf.

@Livia22 Hi there, my doctor has ordered blood tests for me at different parts of my cycle to check my progesterone, FSH etc to find out what's causing it to be so short (my bleeding starts 7 or 8 DPO). Definitely recommend calling your doctor and asking for some tests if you're concerned, as they can find out what's happening xx

@RunningStrong

I don't know how it's possible to relax and not think about it while you are actually still trying, maybe stop checking dates etc and get on with enjoying each other, although we never achieved that.

Forgetting about it for real did work for us. After nine years we decided it wasn't going to be, set about creating a different future than the one we'd imagined and spent the money we'd saved for baby/maternity leave on a great holiday.

Came back pregnant

WOW! This is amazing! ❤️ Congrats!!

I think that advice is probably well intended, but it's not realistic. For those of us that have had problems TTC, it becomes a very significant issue.

@PumpkinsGalore
How incredibly rude shock People are just trying to be supportive. What exactly do you expect them to say? "Oh dear. Brew?"

Yes, actually that would be better than telling someone to relax.

Telling someone to “just relax” is not supportive, it’s dismissive, patronising and incredibly unhelpful. It also just isn’t true. At least saying “oh dear” acknowledges their feelings.

I was frequently told to ‘just relax’. It was well meant, I know that, but nevertheless it turned out to be completely useless as well, as I was completely infertile. I had no eggs, which I discovered during my one IVF cycle.

It’s pointless advice, especially as you have no idea whether or not there is actually a medical reason for the infertility!

Another favourite one was anecdotes about a friend who miraculously got pregnant after adopting. Were they suggesting that this was a reason to apply to adopt? (We did adopt our 2 DDs in the end. And no, I didn’t get pregnant. Just as well really.)

You're more likely to conceive if you don't know too much about it.

Where is this pearl of wisdom from?

I had a friend who actually argued with me that I had to relax while I had already told her that there was a medical reason that I needed ivf. Petty of me but I told her to relax instead of chemo when she had breast cancer. We both apologized after that and she did later on say that my remark did bring the message home.

Yes it’s dreadful advice and was said to us multiple times. It made me cry a lot actually. Lots of people don’t understand.
We actually did get pregnant the month after I’d decided to not do any testing and had sort of made peace with it perhaps not happening. So there’s probably some truth in it but you can’t force yourself to get to that position, sadly! I know that all too well.

Hated it...I'd given up as such but still not happening..then the month we were so busy trying to get on the property market....we just sounds daft said we start trying again when we got the property we hoped to buy offer accepted etc...guess what happened that month...I have one five year old DD...nothing since...maybe we need to buy again....good luck op. It's a very stressful time

I'm childfree so have no experience of this. But know its this isn't on. People talk shit when they are trying to help. Like when people are struggling to lose weight people say eat less and move more. Or if you're having problems with kids behaviour they'll say you just need a routine.

Honesty most of the time I don't think this shit is intended to be hurtful. It's either unthinking or arrogance that they know better.

Yes, it’s utter garbage. There is no way you can make yourself relax in this situation and yes, I agree that it’s patronising.
What changed the situation for me was understanding exactly when to do the deed . Waiting until you’ve ovulated might be too late. You need to know when you’re about to ovulate and go for it. It was earlier in my cycle than I’d realised. If you’re squeamish stop reading now.

If you’re not, check your vaginal mucus. Cloudy and Whitish - no good. When it goes more transparent and stretchy - when you can stretch it between thumb and middle finger - you’re about to ovulate. I also got that slight ache in mid cycle that let me know when my ovaries were gearing up to release and the two things always coincided. That’s the best time to get going.

Hi minipie, do you mind me asking how long after discovering you had thyroid issues you fell pregnant? :)

About 6 weeks after starting medication! With hindsight it might have been safer to wait at least a couple of months for it to kick in properly

Yes I've found that no amount of relaxation removed endometriosis, grew back lost fallopian tubes or improves sperm count. Even after we stopped IVF having tried two of the best fertility consultants in the UK people wanted to tell me how now I had stopped IVF I would just fall pregnant. The fact that this was biologically near impossible didn't dryer them because they read a story in the Sun once about it.....

*deter them