Shy children

[Corbinas]

I have 3 dc (6 year old twins and a 4 year old) and I’m ashamed to say that their shyness really frustrates me. I feel like they will miss out on life chances by being this shy. They don’t smile or say hello to other children or adults and cling on to me at all times in public. I’ve signed them up to various clubs and they won’t take part. They are the only children crying and hiding behind me whilst others are just getting on with it. In social situations, the three of them look as though they have been badly told off and have a very sad/angry expressions on their faces. Won’t get involved at parties etc and I just feel like they’re missing out on so much fun! It makes me so sad and sometimes very cross! What can I do and why are they like this? I just want them to have a fun and happy childhood, with the ability to try things out and see what they like.

Mine was like this and it annoyed me too. However, I found leaving her at clubs by herself was the best thing to do. If I stay she will cling to me but if I leave then she has no choice but to join ina nd she always has a great time.

Maybe try and enjoy your children as they are rather than trying to change them to fit how you think they should be?

Funnily enough, not all children are the same.

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!!

It’s normal for some children to be quiet and introverted and others to be very sociable. There isn’t anything wrong with either personality type.

Get to know your children better and arrange activities that better suit their personalities.

I know what you mean op, though I don’t get annoyed by it but I do wish they were more out going and chatty, people will speak to my kids and they will ignore them so it can be a bit awkward

@tiredanddangerous

Maybe try and enjoy your children as they are rather than trying to change them to fit how you think they should be?

Funnily enough, not all children are the same.

This.

I was a shy child, if my Mum had left me at a club I would have hated it and cried or just sat at the edge. When people spoke to me it was almost like I couldn't understand them or hear them even.

Remember the last 18months and not being able to socialise properly will have affected little ones more than older children.

Try 1-1 play dates etc for now.

My elder DD is introverted. It is frustrating at times. But she has lots of fun, as long as it isn't too noisy.

I recommend a book called 'Quiet' by Susan Cain.

You say they're missing out on fun, but remember that's your definition of fun, not theirs!

They’re like that being you’re forcing them into situations they don’t want to be in.

You’re not helping them, you’re making it worse and being angry and them for not being the children you want them to be.

Love the children you have, not the ones you wish you did. There’s nothing wrong with being shy and introverted; it doesn’t mean you’re not having fun or aren’t happy. They just find fun and happiness in other things.

My DPs kids were like this when they were little. Never got involved at parties, clubs, etc lots of crying and extreme shyness. This was before him and their mum separated so not any sort of trauma related to that.
They're teen and preteen now and absolutely fine, chatty, polite perhaps sometimes on the shy side but nothing that holds them back, they have friends, go to clubs, get on well at school and have excellent manners.
I think so little ones are just clingy.
My DD can be ultra shy or a complete extrovert depending on her mood.

For starters being shy and quiet needs to stop being seen as some kind if character flaw.

Not being all hugs and smiles at strange adults they don't know is hardly a bad thing

Are you someone who has good social skills? I mean, are they seeing you modelling the kind of behaviour you’d like to see in them?

Dd1 was like this and dd2 wasn't. I remember the anxiety that dd1 would 'miss out' on all the good things in life that come with a sociable nature and a willingness to take part but I thought, optimistically, that she'd make friends at school and that would bring her out of her shell.

It didn't, and dd1 was later diagnosed with autism.

However frustrated you feel, please don't give your dc the message that they aren't good enough in some way because they dislike social situations. By all means try different things (dd1 actually really liked Rainbows and a musical theatre group because the leaders were so kind and gentle with her) but don't force it. Hope they find something that works for them and they can enjoy.

Dont assume your version of fun is the same as theirs.

DS2 was (is) like this. He is now 10, has found his (small) crowd, has asked for 2 afterschool activities, but is equally happy curled up in a blanket with the cat.
Until he was about 8 he watched, waited, and make a calculated decision to join in occasionally. DS1 is right in, both feet, from the start!

@MrsRobbieHart

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!!

It’s normal for some children to be quiet and introverted and others to be very sociable. There isn’t anything wrong with either personality type.

Get to know your children better and arrange activities that better suit their personalities.

I agree up to a point: you can't change children's personalities by forcing them into things they are uncomfortable with and it does sound as if they may be picking up on your frustration which is probably not supportive.

On the other hand - and this may be unpopular -- I do think there is some truth in what you say that children do miss out on things if they are chronically shy and it probably isn't desirable for them to feel that they can go through life without making any attempt to participate in things. It does limit you if you are too shy ever to put yourself forward for things.

There's a balance to be found: you have to work with the grain of their personalities: encourage them to join in but don't shame them or get frustrated when they don't. Perhaps build up their confidence with smaller groups. But eventually they will have to be made to get on with it to some degree.

I don’t think that getting cross is the way to handle this. As frustrating as I have no doubt this is, you have to parent the child you have (not the one you think they should be). Can you put things in place to make them feel comfortable? My friend’s son is very shy but ‘warms up’ after about half an hour if we all just get on with things. He goes back to his mum for regular reassurance, or sometimes she has to do activities with him and nobody makes a big deal of it.

Mine was like this, it wasn’t shy, turns out it was anxiety.

She’s 12 now and has comfortably grown out of it with little pushing from us. Don’t write them off so young.

My mother was like you as I was a very shy child. She used to get very angry and unsurprisingly, that made me feel like crap and made me even more withdrawn in social situations.

There’s nothing wrong with being shy. getting cross with your children and forcing them into uncomfortable situations is likely to make them feel even worse and less confident. Try and love them and accept them as they are - build up their confidence.

I was a shy child and I think the reason for me being like that was insecurity at home . My dad had mental health issues and I don't think my home life was happy and stable . I also missed out on preschool so was very anxious starting school . I wouldn't eat . Also both my parents were sensitive.
My advice would be to do all you can to make sure your children feel happy and secure in themselves . Start off small taking them to quiet less stimulating groups and find out what they love to do . What takes them out of themselves ? pets ? nature .
I do feel my shyness did hold me back from living up to my potential and taking risks . So you are right to be concerned but don't focus on it as that makes it worse.
If there was one thing I wanted for my son it was that he would feel happy and confident in himself . He is an introvert , happy in his own company but is sociable and has good friends , a part time public faced job and off away from home to Uni next week.

I was labeled ‘shy’ I wasn’t shy I was just expected to be that way because how often I was told I was!

I would ignore them in social situations and let them watch proceedings for now - don’t engage - being with you should be the most boring thing ever - they’ll soon find something or someone to escape too!

Six and four are still very young and children develop at different rates, if they're getting very upset it's possible that you're pushing them into situations they aren't ready for -- and in doing so building a relationship in their minds between these situations and struggling and being upset which is only going to make their shyness more acute.

Remember that they're only little and new situations can be uncertain or overwhelming - you'll do far more to build their confidence by supporting them (such as joining in new activities with them and building up their confidence before trying independently) than pushing them into activities that they aren't ready for.

Being shy shouldn’t be seen as so negative

But sadly you do miss out

I was terribly shy around other children but not around adults (only child used to being centre of attention) your children have a nice little team they don’t need others to interact with so much

I agree that sometimes a bit of you standing back does help, ds is quite shy but if I’m not around he gets on with things if I was there he would cling on to me also as other have pointed out you get labelled treated as though you are shy then quite often babied (which can bring comfort)

I think you're being harsh OP. They are young and assuming you're in the uk, have hardly had time to socialise in the last 18 months! The behaviour you're describing is hardly unusual.

I think you need to change their mindset. Some kids dont enjoy going to clubs. You're worried they are going to miss out, but being forced to spend time doing something you don't enjoy isn't enjoyable. I think that age is still young for clubs. My 6 year old is average in the shyness department and she tried various clubs and activities but until recently has been too young to really get that you need to commit to something and work at it before it becomes enjoyable. She has only just finally found something that she likes. Before this she was always too knackered from school and wraparound as well.

A few other things that you can do to help them -

Dont use the words shy infront of them or about them. It's clear you think it's a negative thing. If someone else says it, correct them 'oh is Jonny a bit shy?', you say 'he just prefers to watch for a while and take in what's going on before joining in'.

Build their confidence about being quiet. There are good points about being 'shy' like being able to entertain yourself, being a good listener etc.

If they say they dont want to go to a club, listen to them and find out why. Is it because they're not that interested in the activity? Let them choose a different one (eg a club but for people doing an activity solo like crafting). Is it because they are not sure what the teacher is like or the premises? If so ask if you can meet them briefly one day and have a look around. Is it because they dont know anyone there? Then find one that their friends go to. Is it because they dont want to stay the full hour? Then arrange to go for shorter time periods and build up. Is it because they are worried about being away from you? Then agree you'll wait outside and come and get them if they ask the leader. It might be at the moment that they are overwhelmed with starting school etc again and need to get used to that so ask them to consider joining something at half term

But forcing them to do something that they don't want to do, and acting like it's some sort of character flaw, will only backfire

Also I saw a tip to say to them 'we will watch and then you can join when you feel ready' so it takes the pressure off but shows them that you assume that they will feel ready at some point

Poor things - they're really young. What do they enjoy?