Shy children

[Corbinas]

I have 3 dc (6 year old twins and a 4 year old) and I’m ashamed to say that their shyness really frustrates me. I feel like they will miss out on life chances by being this shy. They don’t smile or say hello to other children or adults and cling on to me at all times in public. I’ve signed them up to various clubs and they won’t take part. They are the only children crying and hiding behind me whilst others are just getting on with it. In social situations, the three of them look as though they have been badly told off and have a very sad/angry expressions on their faces. Won’t get involved at parties etc and I just feel like they’re missing out on so much fun! It makes me so sad and sometimes very cross! What can I do and why are they like this? I just want them to have a fun and happy childhood, with the ability to try things out and see what they like.

@MrsRobbieHart

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!!

It’s normal for some children to be quiet and introverted and others to be very sociable. There isn’t anything wrong with either personality type.

Get to know your children better and arrange activities that better suit their personalities.

This!

I was a shy child. People pushing me to be sociable etc., just makes things worse and highlights the shyness. It's just like the teachers who write on the reports "good progress, but too quiet"!

Kids find their own way if you let them be what they want to be.

Pushing them into uncomfortable situations will make things worse rather than better, especially large group situations. The best way is slow and gentle introductions to small numbers of other people. Large events like parties etc are the worst thing the OP can do.

I’ve signed them up to various clubs and they won’t take part.
Did you ask them before signing them up? Is it something they showed any interest in? Are you signing all of them up to the same things? Did you give them a choice?

They don’t smile or say hello to other children or adult
This I wouldn't accept, it's rude. But start with something small - if it's too much to say hello, tell them to wave.

They are still very young.

Maybe max 1-2 groups a week. And for the twins- groups where you can drop them off and leave, so they dont get a chance to cling to you?

I was also a shy child. I may not have been outgoing but I was a sensitive and imaginative kid with a rich inner world.

I wish society would stop seeing introversion and shyness as a defect. I see it as a strength and an asset. The world needs such individuals.

You have sensitive children. About 20% of the population are like this. You are not sensitive and don’t get it. Forcing / nagging them to be different will do nothing except make them stressed which increases the problem. There are strategies you can try eg making sure your children arrive first at a party to settle in before it gets noisy etc. But you can’t change who they are. There is a wonderful book that will explain it all to you called “The Highly Sensitive Child: helping your child thrive when the world overwhelms” or something like that.

I wish society would stop seeing introversion and shyness as a defect

Shyness can actually be rudeness

OP, while I think you’ve had some decent advice on here, I think you should bear in mind that people with poorer than average social skills are over-represented on Mn, and there’s a lot of ‘justification’ of this via a misunderstanding of what introversion means.

@SeriouslyISuppose

OP, while I think you’ve had some decent advice on here, I think you should bear in mind that people with poorer than average social skills are over-represented on Mn, and there’s a lot of ‘justification’ of this via a misunderstanding of what introversion means.

Totally agree.

Children who are 6 and 4 cannot make informed decisions about whether they will enjoy Beavers/gymnastics/drama because they have no concept of what it is, what it involves, the benefits. As adults we make those decisions for them. It's called parenting.

Building confidence is so important for life in general. How often are there posts on here from adults who have no friends or freak out about everyday social interaction? Being "shy" is often shorthand for "I have really bad social skills".

So yes, persevere with the clubs. The whole "we're going to drama today and it's going to be amazing, and you'll have so much fun and isn't the teacher nice, and afterwards we'll...." approach rather than "Oh you might not like it, please don't cry, you might not know anyone" approach.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I wish society would stop seeing introversion and shyness as a defect

Shyness can actually be rudeness

It can be interpreted like that, yes but I’m very uncomfortable labelling very young children as rude - they usually grow out of it as they get older. My mother was actually very insistent on good manners and putting guests at their ease. I was shy but very polite, grew out of it by the time I was in my teens and don’t lack social skills at all.

I can over 50 years later remember the misery of going to friends parties. Every single one ended in tears and my mother having to come and collect me. I was painfully shy all through my childhood yet never lacked in friends. We're all different and I am sure your children are enjoying themselves in their own way OP.

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!!
I agree with this. I remember hiding behind my Mum’s legs and her pulling me out, embarrassed, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to my children. So I don’t.

I used to (still do to some hidden extent) flap my hands when I was in a social situation to calm myself down and I remember my Mum being SO embarrassed at it. Please don’t be embarrassed at your children when they are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

And btw my social skills are fine, I’ve held very well paying jobs, have volunteered, been a member of various politically affiliated groups, have a DH, DC, friends etc. It’s just I couldn’t cope with the specific social situations that my Mother wanted to put me in and needed more time. I’ve managed it all in my own time and I know what situations to avoid and what I’m good at. I can cope in a large gathering now although it’s not my favourite thing to do.
Forcing a child to do whatever groups you perceive to be in their benefit isn’t the answer. Some children need more time and need to know that you support them no matter what.
Doing no extra curricular isn’t an option for many parents, which I actually agree with (and is the case with me and my DC too), but that doesn’t mean you should force your children into extra sporty or social groups that they don’t want. Art classes or music classes are good and can be as social as your DC want to make them.

I agree with the PP who recommended letting them know that they can join in when they are ready. I had one shy and one not shy child. With the first a new situation could seem a bit overwhelming and then having been overwhelmed it can be difficult to find their way into an activity. We'd have a very quick chat before going into a room of people - I'd reiterate our strategy which was usually to say a general "Good afternoon everyone" and then she could sit quietly with me and watch until she was ready to take part. Just having said something at the outset usually meant that she felt the ice was broken rather than she had it all to do when she did feel ready. I also had little chats with her about the importance of manners which make other people feel OK - ie not looking awkward and embarrassed if asked a question but having some stock replies to common questions - eg if asked "How are you?" to reply "I'm very well thank you. How are you?" We'd role play a bit beforehand.

She's 19 now and a dab hand at small talk (rather better than me....)

Thank you for your comments. Aside from the clubs issue, they simply do not say hello to anyone. Just freeze and look the other way. It can be very awkward. I’ve tried asking them to start with a wave but it doesn’t work. I always go over the top with greetings and social interaction with others so they see that, although that is not a show. It comes across as rude. Yes - the clubs are activities that they have said they’d like to give a go. Very excited beforehand and then freeze, cry or look bored when they arrive.

I think those who say shy children do miss out on opportunities are right. They do.

I was similar as a child, looking back I think I had a lot of social anxiety and never knew how to handle it.

Op I really sympathise. I have one very confident outgoing child and then my younger one is the one who cries and can't be left and won't join in. She is 7 and I worry about it so much.

Here is what has worked...don't push too far. Do a lot of small playdates or leave them regularly with friendly family and neighbours etc and children who you know and trust

Build up slowly. Take them camping...such a lovely social thing for.kids it had great benefit for mine.

I was similar as a child and am as an adult, I have huge social anxiety and often freeze in social situations. If I had a £1 for every time someone said to me when I first met you I thought you were so rude and then I got to know you.

Not everyone’s default mode is confidence and the ability to just join in.

My children are the same, the middle child has autism.

I have a sister in law with a very shy child, she always seems to be constantly disappointed in that child that she doesn’t perform the way she wants her too. I once went to watch her in a performance at drama school she quite clearly never wanted to be in poor thing was dying inside. All I wanted to do was run on to the stage and scoop her up and give her a cuddle.

Your children are fine the way they are. You piling on the why can’t you be like such and such will make it 10000 times worse.

Shy children miss out on opportunities that extroverts would enjoy….extroverts miss out on things shy people enjoy.

What do THEY like?

I hate big groups of people, always have. Hated kindergarten and preschool because structured play and colouring was a waste of my time. Loved school as i got to learn.

Was very shy as a child. Have developed my work personality and am very outspoken at work, apparently a very good and engaging presenter, my team love working for me etc. Socially though (even social situations at work), I can still be quite shy. Even if I know people I can run out of conversation.

You know where I think my shyness comes from? Always being spoken over and dismissed at home. Even now when I go home I don't say much.

If they’re naturally shy you cannot change it, so their shyness needs to be embraced and harnessed. Fostering the interests they do have, encouraging 1.1 friendships rather than big groups, clubs that focus on individual work rather than team work. You can’t change them, but can build their confidence.

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!!
I agree with this. I remember hiding behind my Mum’s legs and her pulling me out, embarrassed, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to my children. So I don’t.

This!

And stop labelling them as shy! - they will hear it and they will understand that they're known as shy. It makes it so much harder to break out and say/do anything when you have that label. I cannot emphasise this enough.

Especialky if some twat then says - oooooh! Ben said something...etc.

@Umbra

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!! I agree with this. I remember hiding behind my Mum’s legs and her pulling me out, embarrassed, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to my children. So I don’t.

This!

And stop labelling them as shy! - they will hear it and they will understand that they're known as shy. It makes it so much harder to break out and say/do anything when you have that label. I cannot emphasise this enough.

Especialky if some twat then says - oooooh! Ben said something...etc.

I agree with this OP.

I was painfully shy as a child and nothing was ever worse than someone pointing it out, especially my mum. I would have faired better had I been left alone to come out my shell in my own time.

If it helps OP, I'm now a very confident extrovert and teacher who addresses assemblies of 400 kids without breaking a sweat, shyness isn't a life sentence thankfully

@woodfort

Stop forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with!! I agree with this. I remember hiding behind my Mum’s legs and her pulling me out, embarrassed, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to my children. So I don’t.

I used to (still do to some hidden extent) flap my hands when I was in a social situation to calm myself down and I remember my Mum being SO embarrassed at it. Please don’t be embarrassed at your children when they are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Sounds like possible ASD xxx

FFS there's always one.

Where do people get off diagnosing conditions at ONE mention of hand flapping