Shy children

[Corbinas]

I have 3 dc (6 year old twins and a 4 year old) and I’m ashamed to say that their shyness really frustrates me. I feel like they will miss out on life chances by being this shy. They don’t smile or say hello to other children or adults and cling on to me at all times in public. I’ve signed them up to various clubs and they won’t take part. They are the only children crying and hiding behind me whilst others are just getting on with it. In social situations, the three of them look as though they have been badly told off and have a very sad/angry expressions on their faces. Won’t get involved at parties etc and I just feel like they’re missing out on so much fun! It makes me so sad and sometimes very cross! What can I do and why are they like this? I just want them to have a fun and happy childhood, with the ability to try things out and see what they like.

I was a painfully shy child and am still an introvert. Looking back I am sure my parents, especially my mum as Dad was also shy, found me really irritating. She never showed it though and never forced me I to situations I couldn't cope with. I am now a fully functional adult with a job where I present to strangers about a potentially embarrassing subject. Have a second public facing job. I sometimes inwardly cringe but I had parents who told me I was okay as I was so I had the basis to grow confidence.

I'm very shy, asd in family so possible asd. I had an amazing 6 months in Asia travelling alone though in my 20's. Let them go at their slow pace, just keep encouraging them to try new things and really support anything they show an interest in. Try not to get annoyed with them - that will lead to low self esteem and make them feel more clingy. Celebrate any successes and remind then when they are anxious about a new thing how they ended up enjoying themselves during their previous success - and how well they coped.

Consider the possibility of ASD, being over whelmed by parties was one of the first things I noticed with my dc.

My eldest DS, aged 11 is shy, but he has always had friends. He’s shy with adults and people he doesn’t know. He would never want to do an activity that involves being the centre of attention.

He is fine as he is. I don’t criticise him for being like that. I accept him for who he is. I was a shy child but I’m not so shy as an adult. I wasn’t criticised for being shy.
However, I am trying to get him to come out of his shell a bit more now. But he’s much older than your children. So I get him to order his own meal in a restaurant, for example. The other day we were out bird watching and there was a little stint (uncommon migrant) but we couldn’t spot it. I managed to get him to go and ask someone where it was. He didn’t want to at all but he was really motivated to see that bird. It was a great experience for him as in ‘see, you can go and talk to people, it’s not so scary’, but I wouldn’t have done it when he was younger.
Now he’s started at secondary and he’s shown interest in trying several different clubs. He never would have done that before.
But I’m sure someone will come along in a moment to tell me he must be autistic because he likes bird watching.

There is a massive difference between being shy/anxious, and being an introvert who doesn’t enjoy group activities.

DS is shy/anxious, particularly around new children (boisterous at home and with existing friends). There are lots of things he likes to do that he is shy to do in front of an audience or when put on the spot - loves swimming but often freezes in swimming lessons when they each have to do something in turn. He then gets upset if the lesson moves on and he misses his chance.

Should I pull him out of swimming class which he loves because he is too shy? Or try to help him to overcome it? Hmm tough choice

And yes, not all shy kids have autism FFS.

There is not only one way to enjoy life.

I have ASD and I’m extremely shy even now. I will admit to being frustrated when DD displays the same behaviors as a child. Sometimes I envy the parents of the care-free children.

Being a parent means becoming the parent your child needs. My child needed me to support her in a particular way so I learned to do that. It’s something my parents never did. I now have a young teen with who has found a great balance between her natural shyness and anxiety and her desire to join the crowd. She is even begging to get on a plane and go on an optional school trip next year which I’m not remotely ready for, but she clearly is. I can’t really offer exact advice on what to do with your kids because the point is that each child needs their own style of parenting.

One of my dc is very shy and quiet. He can be chatty, etc, but only once he feels comfortable - it’s not possible to force this! I try to help him to find ways to do the things he enjoys without feeling overwhelmed (for example, he plays a large orchestral instrument that he can hide behind and can therefore still be involved in music at school without feeling like he’s centre stage).

My DS has some tendency to shyness.

I've found that building up to things more gradually helps. So smaller 1 on w playdates to help him build friendships at school. Extra curricular that happens in smaller groups (eg swimming is with only 3 others). It helps if we arrive a few mins before so that he isn't walking into a room full of noisy kids and can say hi to a teacher or group leader. It helps if I I coordinate to go to an activity with a friend he already knows so that there's a familiar face. I find that if I do all this he settles fine and the older he gets the more comfortable he is.

It is a shame when shy children are prevented by shyness from doing activities they would otherwise enjoy. That's different from not wanting to do them in the first place.

Social skills and sociability seem to me to be partly about personality and partly about practice through being exposed to different people and situations. I was a shy child who really valued friendships and spending time with others (I still do!), but who often lacked the confidence to make friends and get involved. Being content in your own company is different.

OP, do you think your children are just content in their own company and with what they're doing, or would they like to get involved if the shyness wasn't an issue?

Looking back I am sure my parents, especially my mum as Dad was also shy, found me really irritating

I think my shy parents found it hard to deal with me being shy - it was embarrassing at times for them. They did try and I was often forced into activites that made me feel worse and then on other hand stopped from doing things I was excited to try later on as I wouldn't like them being shy - so finding that balance can be bloody hard.

I agree with pp about label - I pushed back strongly with my very shy DDs - as teens they're fine to go off and do things - DS was slightly more out going and life was very busy so I was less good at countering people commenting on him being shy - and to my horror has apparently internalised the shy label. I do worry he'll miss out.

I took them out to many things when they were young and was around to offer support or found groups like brownies that were good with shy children -unfortunatley DS has more mixed experiences with groups and schooling and I do worry he'll miss out on things much more.

I modeled behavior I wanted as do other family members - talking smiling and tried to encouage but not force similar behavior in them. Trying to divert from them any negative reactions to their shyness - some people can be very insistant on smiles or hellos or thankyou's being said when it's clearly meant - emphasising their awkwardness -often in belief they are "helping" they can usually be distracted or molified.

Same with groups and activties and trips tried to encourage not force but balance can be very hard and depends on the child and situation so much.

Try and hide the furstation though as it's an additional burden on the child and can make them feel even more awkward - plus fingers crossed they'll find the grpup/thing that helps them come out their shell and they can grow into quietly confident.

Thanks for all the replies. @goldbar they tell me that the activities look fun and if they didn’t feel shy they would enjoy them and really want to join in. I am a very social person but I struggle as all three of them are the opposite to me.

Just to say that they are all really really young. Stop entirely with clubs etc for two or three years and then try again when they are older.

Focus on simply playing with them

Seriously - read 'quiet' or at least YouTube Susan cain talking about it.

Totally changed how I view my 'expectations' of my DD (and my DH!) can't recommend it enough. So insightful and I would like to bet you will put less pressure on them and you in social scenarios. Best of luck, it's not easy but it's all a matter of perspective

If they do want to join in, I'd start with little things and build up. Talking to adults in shops, cafes and restaurants. I encourage my DC to ask for what they want themselves rather than buying it for them or ordering for them. If you take them to the playground, take a toy to share (some cars or a ball or bubbles or something like that). That gives them a basis for interacting with other children... we've never had bubbles in the playground without attracting most of the other kids in it . Similarly, having other children around to your house for one-on-one playdates. Lots of opportunities to practise without too much pressure will make it easier.

Very excited beforehand and then freeze, cry or look bored when they arrive

Sounds exactly like DS4. One thing that has helped is choosing an activity he can do with me. So, Waterbabies not solo swimming lessons, and Rugbytots not standard rugby club. We get there early so he feels comfortable in the venue, we talk through the activity together so he knows what to do, and he knows that if he wants to sit on my lap for one exercise, he can.

Not saying it’s perfect, but he does participate in about 80% of the class now, and sits out nicely for the other 20% instead of having a meltdown and hiding.

There are some quite harsh comments here, leaving them alone is about the worst thing for everyone.

I was a shy child and although encouraged by my mother, missed out on a lot of fun.
My 8 yr old is no longer shy in most situations.

Firstly I banned the word shy and talked about what was he actually worried about e.g newness, bigger kids.

I acted confident with strangers and said hello/started short conversations with random people/ shop workers at all times (lead by example)
I talked up the benefits of clubs for months in preparation and pointed out that being new places and situations are a bit scary for everyone, even if they don't look like it bothers them.

Pointing out that at the end of an hour these surroundings will look so familiar... By next session we'll know the place so well it will feel like home etc

At parties i'd tell him if he didn't play and just clung we'd just leave after a set time (say 25 mins) be matter of fact and stick to your word. Give top up cuddles and let them know you'll be there throughout or tell them when you intend to leave.

When he was ready for a club we sat in on two sessions and on the last the leader held him back while we left. When the door shut behind us he went off and got involved.

We have such a confident boy now I marvel (secretly i'm still very shy) we never draw attention to how he used to be as kids love their story.

If their story is that they're the shy one, they'll live up to it! They need to be gently encouraged and basically coached into confidence. It can be acquired.

Thanks - really helpful comments. I have also purchased the books mentioned above. I think taking three of them everywhere may also have an impact. Two are less shy but they all seem to display the same behavior when they are together.

I think taking three of them everywhere may also have an impact. Two are less shy but they all seem to display the same behavior when they are together.

That must be awkward.

I think I was extremely lucky while my three would often stay together at things initially hanging back but then they'd slowly derive confidence from each other being there which helped them joining in and be willing to try things more - so signing them in for the same thing often worked in their favour - then more seperate groups/clubs as they got older in later primary years.

If they are making each other worse how much scope do you have to do seperate things - I could have had mine in different swim and gym grousp even when they were at same level but beyond that they were often together outside school.

My child was like this. There’s nothing wrong in being shy. However, we wanted her to at least not miss out on things.
We always ask her for clubs that she wants and we try and take her. We tell her she can always let us know if she does not want to participate or return.
Now she’s growing into her own self. She does rhythmic gymnastics, swimming and a violin club and has some familiar faces she sort of talks to there. She has been pushing her self at school to do reading in front of the class and even the school. She even participated in a competition and I was surprised.
She’s still shy but she’s very much comfortable now. I think you just need to let your children take the lead.

That is excellent @Tohaveandtohold. @randomlyLostInWales, I could take them separately sometimes I suppose. I just don’t understand where the insecurity comes from. I am always reassuring them. Maybe they are too attached to me.

Accept the children that you have and stop trying to mould them into what you want them to be.
You say they are the opposite of you: perhaps they are the way they are because of having a potentially overbearing parent?
Can you imagine how awful they must feel, that their introverted ways make their parent cross, that a fundamental part of who they are at this stage in their development is somehow aberrant/unacceptable? Children internalise these messages.
Maybe have a think about what you bring to the table.

My eldest was horribly shy until he was about eight. We had to work on the learned behaviours for basic social acceptability but I learned he could only do one thing, and often that thing only with one person, at a time. He was always good at saying thank you in restaurants etc, but usually almost inaudible and he’d shrink if you suggested eye contact.

We started by focusing on saying good morning to the TA as he went into breakfast club, even if it was a mumble. Then mumble plus eye contact (fleeting). And slowly, slowly it got better. He got more practised at it and more confident. He understood that other people enjoy those interactions and give you a positive interaction back. He also got a few house points along the way as the teachers/TAs could see he was trying. One day at pick up he turned to the TA and said ‘goodbye, I hope you have a lovely weekend’ in a beautifully clear voice, and I think she and I both nearly fainted.

He has worked REALLY hard on it after initial strong resistance. And now he’s ten and somehow he’s… chatty? I’ve had to find a way to ease him out of conversations with my friends, which if you’d told me two years ago I’d be doing, I would have laughed at you. Compliments restaurant and cafe managers on the meal he’s just had when he leaves. I honestly can’t believe it, and I’m very proud of him.

The other thing that was a total game changer for him was football. It’s his total passion and gave him an opening to talk about with other kids in a way his other interests (outing, but he was quite into Stuart monarchs age 5 and 6, among other nerdy interests) just weren’t. So helping your kids to find their individual passions will also help, I think.

Its frustrating because children's shyness gets perceived as rudeness or unfriendliness by others and gets them in trouble sooner or later, for example at school.

Speaking as a former shy child (and I mean excruciatingly, couldn't-even-answer-the-register shy), please, please don't show you are cross with them. It will only make it so, so much worse by making them even more scared of interacting with people. Being as shy as that is almost physically painful. You can at least make sure they have happy, secure and loving social interactions within the home so at least they've got something to boost them up and rebuild their confidence at the end of a tiring and anxiety-ridden day of socialising. And model normal, confident interactions with other people so they can see what to aim for.

There's surely some professional advice somewhere about how to help them as a parent, but please don't get cross with them! (PS., I don't agree with the people saying they don't need any help. If you can help them get over their shyness you should try, because it can make everyday life debilitating).