Shy children

[Corbinas]

I have 3 dc (6 year old twins and a 4 year old) and I’m ashamed to say that their shyness really frustrates me. I feel like they will miss out on life chances by being this shy. They don’t smile or say hello to other children or adults and cling on to me at all times in public. I’ve signed them up to various clubs and they won’t take part. They are the only children crying and hiding behind me whilst others are just getting on with it. In social situations, the three of them look as though they have been badly told off and have a very sad/angry expressions on their faces. Won’t get involved at parties etc and I just feel like they’re missing out on so much fun! It makes me so sad and sometimes very cross! What can I do and why are they like this? I just want them to have a fun and happy childhood, with the ability to try things out and see what they like.

@JassyRadlett

Wow, I wish someone had coached me like that when I was a child. I think that basically sounds like what I ended up forcing myself to do (set myself little interaction targets, start off tiny, work my way up) except I had to work it all out for myself between the ages of 16 and 21 so it took longer. What a fantastic result for your son!

It’s tricky, my daughter has always been shy, and she still is now at 13. I’ve tried to encourage her but she is just naturally shy. Not much you can do if it’s someone’s personality but naturally encourage them

They're very young and just come through the socially strangest 2 years in living memory. Not everyone is going to just brush that off. Gently encourage them to expand their comfort zone, but go at a pace they can do without making them upset so it all becomes a negative. Give them lots of reassurance of your love and security and just build it up gently. So small groups, practice taking to adults with adults they know like grandparents and just slowly take it one step further. They'll get better if you meet them where they are and guide from there.

@5zeds

Shy children miss out on opportunities that extroverts would enjoy….extroverts miss out on things shy people enjoy.

What do THEY like?

Shyness is not the opposite of extroversion. It is perfectly possible to be a shy extrovert. It is lack of self confidence, not dislike of company.

DS was “the noisiest boy in nursery” (and very proud of that fact). Extremely boisterous around people he knows. Loves play dates. Very sporty. But very self-conscious around people he doesn’t know well, which prevents him from taking part in things he does actually enjoy and asks to do. I’m not sure why this is so hard to grasp.

Leave shy people alone to be shy!

I would never think a 6yo or 4yo who didn't say hello to me was rude. They're 6 and 4, they're not snubbing me. It's natural even for outgoing children to clam up around adults.

I was a "shy" child who mostly wanted to be left alone, absolutely hated being shoved into a room of other children I didn't know and expected to magically get along with them. Throughout school I found a small group of friends I actually liked and could socialise quite easily with them.

As an adult I've also gravitated towards "my people", it turns out there are just a lot more of them. I've been a massive party girl as a result. Here's the thing though, for all that I'm a social butterfly among people I know and people I have things in common with - put me in a room full of no one I know and no one I have an "in" with, and I'm right back to being that shy girl staring at her feet in silence.

In social situations, the three of them look as though they have been badly told off and have a very sad/angry expressions on their faces

I once went to a networking event where I didn't know anyone and I was exactly like this tbh. I sipped sullenly on my wine, stared at my phone and left after 20 minutes having not exchanged a single word with another human except the security guy.

Yes, @Changechangychange — an awful lot of people on here still seem to confuse shyness and introversion, which are not at all the same. A shy person could be extrovert or introvert. Shyness can be grown out of or worked away from by many — it’s not innate. You would not necessarily know if you were talking to an introvert or an extrovert stranger, but it would be usually obvious if the person were shy.

An introvert might be more prone to be shy, but it’s not any kind of foregone conclusion.

One of my children was an extremely shy child and I used to worry about him terribly. Now he's an adult he runs a successful business, is often on the TV and radio and had lots of friends. He came out of himself gradually as he got older and never looked back. I'd say don't make a fuss about it, don't even mention it to them. Take them to lots of activities where there are other children so they aren't just with each other. Do you socialise with other people at home?

There’s some excellent advice here. As parents it’s our role to help with this as equus and rassy have explained.

Things come naturally to some kids others need to be taught certain skills specifically. My mother did similar and taught the 3 of us confidence and social skills - at the time I eye rolled but she was so right. I think sitting back and labelling a not properly socialised child as “shy” can actually be a cop out.

@EvilEdna1

I was a painfully shy child and am still an introvert. Looking back I am sure my parents, especially my mum as Dad was also shy, found me really irritating. She never showed it though and never forced me I to situations I couldn't cope with. I am now a fully functional adult with a job where I present to strangers about a potentially embarrassing subject. Have a second public facing job. I sometimes inwardly cringe but I had parents who told me I was okay as I was so I had the basis to grow confidence.

This.

If you don't accept your children as they are then they will never become confident adults, OP.

You will make them feel like there is something wrong with them if you carry on getting cross at them for just behaving in a way that comes naturally to them.

Be gentle and encourage them to be themselves, whatever that is, and maybe they will become more confident. You don't foster confidence by getting frustrated and telling them they should be more outspoken. You need to create the environment where they feel OK doing that, and it starts with acceptance.

@MsTSwift

There’s some excellent advice here. As parents it’s our role to help with this as equus and rassy have explained.

Things come naturally to some kids others need to be taught certain skills specifically. My mother did similar and taught the 3 of us confidence and social skills - at the time I eye rolled but she was so right. I think sitting back and labelling a not properly socialised child as “shy” can actually be a cop out.

This is my view.

One of mine was very awkward at social situations at that age, did not enjoy noisy parties, joined in at clubs only after some time. He needed to become familiar with people, place and activities. We realised that pushing him only made things much worse for him so we were led by him - if he wanted to sit with us and watch/observe, then that is fine, he would come out and join when ready.
We also limited number of classes, having only one or two where he became comfortable enough. Gradualy he would join in when ready. We did avoid some of the parties/events which we knew he would really not enjoy. And he became more confident knowing that he would not be pushed and that we understand what makes him uncomfortable.
A few years later things changed and while he still needs some time to be alone and quiet, going to the parties, classes, talking to strangers is not a problem at all. And we still respect his need to spend some time doing his own activities quietly at home after socialising/spending time with a group of people so do not overload his schedule.

My children are both quiet and shy. Particularly my DD. It is a really difficult balance between encouraging them and pushing them. I think the main thing I find frustrating is that other people possibly write her off a bit, and they don't get to see the bright and funny child I get at home.

She loves dancing though, and while she does not say a lot while she is there she absolutely loves it and can express herself this way, and can show the girl I see at home. (She is also quiet because she is determined at things and wants to learn and focus apparently.)

She has a lovely small group of friends, and I am really proud of her. I think a lot of the skills will come.

At six and four after a couple of years of lockdowns take it slowly, and find things they both enjoy.

Junior parkrun can also be a good thing as they can do something alongside others without being forced into interactions.

I really think the OP knows her own children better than random posters on here.

Agree with @Changechangychange and @SeriouslyISuppose - shyness really does not necessarily = introversion.

I was a painfully shy child - and I know it frustrated my gregarious, confident, extrovert Mum sometimes.

But I am (and was) very, very social - and did want to join in. I was just too shy.

I’m still naturally shy as an adult, but am better at faking it now. And am more social than ever - with age comes increased confidence.

My Mum pushed my out of my comfort zone at times and while I didn’t always enjoy the pushing, I inevitably enjoyed whatever it was she was pushing me to do. And feel grateful for it looking back.

@LimeRedBanana exactly this! I know they are social and will enjoy it if they’re given the support to join in. I’m not pushing them into situations that I know they won’t enjoy. I also encourage them to give it a go just once and then talk about it.

I was this child, it was crippling.

I used to go to things like playcentres with my cousins, all fine, but if mum dropped me and my sister somewhere I didn't know anyone I'd sooner sit at the side counting down the minutes until pickup time.

I was the late august baby who started school at 4 and a week, having had a SAHM so no daycare or preschool.

I think it was so overwhelming I withdrew more and never really learned to be different, I was also ashamed of how difficult I found it to make friends so would hide in the bathrooms at lunchtimes during high school than be seen to have no friends.

I didn't really learn how to make friends until my 30s, it's a skill to be learnt, and is also something you can talk about, give ideas and explain how to go about it.

Being shy does hold you back.

I would see if the kids have a more extroverted friend maybe from school that you could nurture a friendship with, yours will learn social skills from them as well as confidence.

@beingsunny. That strikes a chord. Similar for me.

It's not the happy introverts we're talking about here. It's the children who would love to get involved, have friends and be part of the group but lack the confidence to go up to other children and say "can I play with you?"

Shyness is not the opposite of extroversion. It is perfectly possible to be a shy extrovert. It is lack of self confidence, not dislike of company.

^This 100%. My DD2 (9) has developed social anxiety (she calls it this) and has become painfully shy since lockdown. But she’s nevertheless an extrovert, who has strong attachments to her friends and cousins.

She didn’t use to be shy like this, so I do think lockdown is to blame in her case.

[quote Goldbar]@beingsunny. That strikes a chord. Similar for me.

It's not the happy introverts we're talking about here. It's the children who would love to get involved, have friends and be part of the group but lack the confidence to go up to other children and say "can I play with you?"[/quote]
Yes, this, exactly!!

I was introverted AND shy. Being introverted isn't a problem, you can be quite happy on your own or in small groups in quiet pursuits. But shyness prevents you from making friends, prevents you from doing what you enjoy, prevents you from carrying out ordinary essential tasks - or else makes you feel sick from the anxiety if you are forced to do them. It's no fun at all.

Actually I think this is a bit more trickier than one shy child. It sounds like all three might be feeding off each other and I would be concerned the twins would become very inverted and only need each other.

OP, I would start with your four year old. I would set up some playdates for them alone with another child and maybe let the childs mum know what's going on. See if you can set up a quiet playdate where they are just colouring or drawing where your dc (4) can colour by themselves but also get used to the company of another child beside them. Keep it to just an hour.

My dd3 had a deep fear of dogs because my dd2 is petrified of them due to being chased by one when she was younger, my dd3 wasn't even alive at the time! But due to her sister reaction to dogs she started acting like that too! dd3 spent some time alone at her uncles when he got a new puppy and is fine with them now. She now encourages dd2 to stay clam and even stroke a dog (if its known to us)

I would focus on your 4 year old and building their confidence up, the twins then can observe them. The twins will be harder to get out of this as they have each other for support. Focus on your youngest and get her in to fun clubs when they are ready, the twins can then watch from the side lines and see what a marvellous time their sibling is having.