Grandparents refuse to babysit..

[Tablelamp]

I've been looking for work and my mum and dad said they would be happy to help with the school run and occasional Saturday or sunday with my 7 year old. Would be probably only twice a week, three times at most for an hour or 2 after school and sometimes half a day Saturday. The job is only part time.

My child is well behaved, grandparents live over the road, school is a very short 5 minute walk away.

I'm supposed to be starting work tomorrow, they know this. It was all arranged but today when I was checking in again about tomorrow I got told they hope it's not going to be a regular thing.. they can't commit to it. Even though they told me they where happy to help so I applied for jobs, went to interviews and got a part time office job.

It looks like I can't take the job now. No childcare for the weekend as my oh works every other weekend. The job isn't able to accommodate me not working weekends. I'm so disappointed to have got this far then told no. Shouldn't they have just said no from the start.

I'm even more skint now after paying out for work shoes and interview clothes.

Seems to be miscommunication. You say in OP that they agreed to "sometimes half a day Saturday"
But you have accepted a job that needs them every other weekend?
Sometimes isn't every other week, and half a day Saturday isn't a full weekend.

Why weren't you straight with them before accepting the job, op?
You didn't need occasional babysitting, you needed (quite a lot of, actually) regular childcare.
They're probably furious with you.

This happened to me.

Asked my parents who said yes until dd gets her full funding for nursery in 3 months time. My husband works away for 2 weeks and then home for 2 weeks so it wasn't weekly.

I didn't start until 10.30 and finished at 2.30, dd goes to nursery at 1pm. Nursery didn't have any morning spaces available otherwise she would go 2 full days. 3 days before I'm due to start my new job my parents decided they didn't want to so I had to give up my job. I was gutted, I really wanted this role. I would have been so good at it.

Sometimes it's best not to use family anyway OP. They clearly don't want too much responsibility.

Can't your OH work during the week and let you do the weekends? Keep looking I hope you find something.

@Tilltheend99 - to be fair, many jobs do have fixed weekend and week rotas still for office based jobs. Its not clear if the OP will have to work every weekend, she says "some".

As far as I can see, the OPs dh has a fixed rota of every other weekend. So if the employer can say what they need from her, it might only be once a month she needs a half day babysitter, which is a bit more reasonable to ask grandparents to do.

From the comment about it being a maximum 3 days in a week for after school care, I take it that the OP has set 3 days a week office work, but her dh could do some of those. Id definitely look to sort childcare for those days to take that out of the equation for grandparents. Much easier to book an after school club or childminder for a weekday afternoon. (And many childminders would do an extra weekend few hours occasionally, worth getting on the books for that).

There are solutions. Other posters who know better about it have said you might be able to claim some childcare costs back via UC if you use someone registered. Dont give up yet!

They wanted to be supportive but they don't actually want to commit. Annoying. I would have a conversation with them, explaining what you need /thought they had agreed to, and what they would now be willing to do - open adult conversation. Then see what other childcare is possible or explain your dilemma to the job before you pull out. Places have a lot of vacancies right now and some flexibility might be possible.

They said occasionally,meaning they have a life as well,they have done there bit,take or leave,they still love you but they are definitely not going to run around every day, it's up to you to sort your life

Sounds to me as if they meant that they would step in if necessary because other arrangements had fallen through.

That’s a lot of regular childcare.

@Tablelamp I'd definitely look at afterschool clubs as they are reliable. Yes, they can be costly but do you qualify for 'tax free childcare'? That's been such a saver with regards to our daughter's nursery fees!

Aw op this is so hard for you :( don't Jack in your job. Ask your parents to do it for a week or so while you sort something else out? Can you post on Facebook local to see if any students are after some work?

I read stuff like this and I swear to myself I will look after my grandkids (if I'm lucky enough to have them) as much as I can. I have two sets of grandparents to my dd who don't want to see her much at all and it just makes me want to be so different.

There does seem to be some discontinuity between your original 'Happy to help with the school run and occasional weekends' and then the expectation they would do school runs 2 or 3 times a week and every other weekend.

However, if you had previously discussed what was actually required and they had said they'd do it without any sort of prevacation, I think you have a right to be pretty annoyed at them. Making a commitment and then backing out at the last minute is really poor behaviour and not the sort of thing that deserves overlooking or ignoring.

I do wonder though, how much good communication you have with your parents. Even now you seem to have gone straight from a comment that they "do hope it won't be regular" to saying you will have to pull out instead of sitting down with them and discussing what will really be involved, what you really need and whether they can bridge the gap either long term or until you've got other childcare in place.

Ido wonder if this a communication style you've learnt from your parents, though. Does your mum hear what she wants most of the time and fails to clarify and then tells you what you want to hear most of the time with the odd comment thrown in to try and nudge you in the direction she wants instead of having an open and honest conversation? And then you do the same to her?

Aww @PaddleBoardingMomma, thank you. 😊

I agree the thread title is misleading.
You don't want them to babysit occasionally, you want regular childcare.

It sounds like there has been a miscommunication.
They feel they said "we'll help out occasionally when we can" and you have heard "yes we'll do whatever childcare you need".

They are completely different, but you have heard what you wanted to hear, and not what they have said.

Occasional weekend should be easier /cheaper b then regular after school. A student or young adult who works during week could like a babysitting job at weekend. Especially when it not every Sat. If week day regular better get after school club or nursery
I think it reasonable for parents not to take on commitment of regular babysitting but can be ok stand by to help out e.g child sick can't go to after school club.

This ^
I think you would be best to find a 6th former or a student to do the weekends you need, and work out if it is worth your while financially, or if you need to get a full time job and pay for the out of school hours from your earnings.

Unfortunately there quite a difference between "occasional childcare" and 2 to 3 days every week plus every other weekend.

Even if it’s a couple of hours a day, it still means your parents are limited to what they can do the rest of the day. They can’t really plan to go off for the day anywhere because of the expectation that they need to be home at a certain time. I just don’t think you actually laid out to them exactly how often you would need them, but maybe was a bit vague to get them onboard in the hope that once you started work they couldn't really back out.

Did you actually tell them what you needed and they agreed, or did they say they’d help and you assumed that meant they’d do whatever you needed?

That's not occasional babysitting at all but very regular childcare. You're asking a lot.

There's a huge difference between "help with the school run" and looking after a seven year old twice or three times a week for an hour or two. The child will come out of school buzzing, or tired, hungry, the grandparents aren't going to just ignore the child and sit them in front of the TV or a screen until one or other parent is home to play, to chat, to take over organising the evening meal, homework, bath and bedtime. How much responsibility does the child have for organising their after-school routine when going straight home? Surely at seven they're not sufficiently independent to do a lot without adult involvement? If the grandparents don't feel up to it, there isn't really an option other than paying a childminder or for after-school club.

Can't you get some other childcare at the weekends/during the week when you need it? Clubs, babysitter etc?

I don't think you should just give up on the idea of the new job already without trying to find other alternatives. Just ask your parents to help until you find something a bit more formal.

It sounds like a job where you work weekends isn't really ideal. It would be better to try and find a job that is weekdays only, if possible. Is there nothing else available in your area? When my kids were younger, I had to turn down jobs where they wanted me to work weekends or evenings as it just wasn't possible with childcare.

Start the job. Getting a job is an achievement. Well done!

Work out exactly what childcare you need for the foreseeable and talk to them about what they can offer.

Does the school have an after school club?

Short term pain for long term gain. You need to work as you need more money in your household. So you need a long term solution. Once youre in a job it can be easier to get another. So keep looking for roles that work better for your families needs.

@PaddleBoardingMomma

Personally I don't understand their mentality. Obviously I don't know the circumstances or their situation but I just can't imagine not wanting to spend any time I could with my grandkids, especially to help out my own daughter! Just wouldn't enter my head to do anything but help where I could... people are all different I guess. Anyway op I don't have any advice but absolutely feel for you, it's disappointing and hurtful im sure. X

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

I would never expect grandparents to put their lives on hold for grandchildren but I've never understood why they wouldn't want to help their children/grandchildren out in what already sounds like a difficult situation.

I know so many people who's parents were desperate for them to give them some grandchildren, and then don't want to help out even in an urgent situation a lot of the time. It's sad. These are often the same types of people to complain that they never see their grandchildren!

Hope things get easier for you soon x

The parents/grandparents have raised their dc, they don't want to be childcare for their gdc. Why should they?

It's not fair to expect them to. Op needs to (with her dp) work out sustainable childcare.

OP just start the job. Take the opportunity.
Try to fit your Saturdays around your DH Saturdays. It may work.
Look for other childcare. Other family, child minder, friends. Something will turn up. Tax credits will likely cover the cost of childcare if you are not earning much. Have a look into it. It is worthy. As you need the job, just go for it.

They are not being reasonable. If you have explained to them that you need to work, and you will work some Saturdays, and then they have changed their mind, they are taking the piss, and you need to find someone reliable.
Best luck!