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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandparents refuse to babysit..

109 replies

Tablelamp · 11/09/2021 20:08

I've been looking for work and my mum and dad said they would be happy to help with the school run and occasional Saturday or sunday with my 7 year old. Would be probably only twice a week, three times at most for an hour or 2 after school and sometimes half a day Saturday. The job is only part time.

My child is well behaved, grandparents live over the road, school is a very short 5 minute walk away.

I'm supposed to be starting work tomorrow, they know this. It was all arranged but today when I was checking in again about tomorrow I got told they hope it's not going to be a regular thing.. they can't commit to it. Even though they told me they where happy to help so I applied for jobs, went to interviews and got a part time office job.

It looks like I can't take the job now. No childcare for the weekend as my oh works every other weekend. The job isn't able to accommodate me not working weekends. I'm so disappointed to have got this far then told no. Shouldn't they have just said no from the start.

I'm even more skint now after paying out for work shoes and interview clothes.

OP posts:
5zeds · 11/09/2021 20:30

Keep going. Just say you’ll sort something as soon as possible and you’re SO grateful. Don’t back out. It’s always really hard at the start. It will sort out. Just keep going.

MargosKaftan · 11/09/2021 20:30

OK, take the job. Ask if they will help out until you get childcare sorted.

Now contact childminders re the after school care, and school childcare option.

If its not every weekend you have to work and your dh is free every other weekend, is it possibly only 1 weekend a month you'll need a half day care? Ask if they would be happy to do that, if not, agree try to find a babysitter. Some childminders will do occasional weekend work, so if you do use one for the after school care, worth asking if they would do a half day on weekends once a month.

Also if its not every weekend you have to work, would your employer be flexible about matching your weekend working to when your dh is off?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2021 20:30

How long ago did you accept the job? Is your partner working tomorrow?

It’s odd you feel it was all agreed and they either didn’t or the reality has dawned and they’ve changed their minds before it’s even started. Are they both in good health as far you know?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/09/2021 20:30

They aren't refusing, they're saying they'll do it occasionally.
When you were talking about it were you crystal clear that it was in fact quite regular and long term?
If so then it's perfectly understandable to be upset they've changed their minds but 🤷‍♀️ what can you do?

Could you ask them to please help in the short term while you find alternative childcare? A few weeks maybe?

And there's nothing wrong with asking them why they changed their minds. Was there perhaps a misunderstanding about what was being asked/offered?

Original poster
Tablelamp · 11/09/2021 20:33

They are retired and said they would help with childcare as I'm struggling financially. Overdrawn bank account just paying bills. No treats, nothing. Oh hours have been cut. He works shifts so some weeks they won't need to help at all

OP posts:
Elouera · 11/09/2021 20:39

It clearly sound like miscommunication!

You have assumed/thought it was clear this was regular, childcare. They, think its the odd occasion when you haven't made other arrangements.

What were you planning on paying them? Or, did you assume it would be free? You need to look elsewhere for childcare.

MargosKaftan · 11/09/2021 20:39

OK have you spelt out exactly what you need? You seem to have given up. I get its upsetting, but as long as your hourly wage is more than you'd be paying a babysitter, its worth it.

Can you say "ok would you do 1 half day at a weekend a month?" Then work round your shifts and your dhs to make the rest work.

I can see its upsetting if you thought you'd be able to keep all of your wage to pay down debt, but you may still be better off than not working.

MaryHadALittleRam · 11/09/2021 20:40

It's all a bit woolly though isn't it? 2 maybe 3 times a week, half day Saturday possibly, yet you are starting work tomorrow , Sunday?
There's helping and there's putting their life on hold to accommodate you
I've every sympathy but I'm your parents side

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2021 20:41

So definitely start the job. Ask them to babysit on the weekends your oh can’t until you’re on your feet and can find some other childcare.

You said oh and not DH so you really should be working and earning your own wage.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/09/2021 20:41

It seems like when they said help they meant help not provide and when you heard help you heard provide all that's needed.

Talk to them.

Porcupineintherough · 11/09/2021 20:42

Honestly OP that's a huge ask. 3 days a week plus the occasional half day at the week end ' it will dominate their lives.

You need to speak to them and see what they can commit to - maybe the occasional Saturdays as those would be hard to cover otherwise? And get childcare for after school.

Wole · 11/09/2021 20:42

You need to nail down exactly when you need their help really so they know what you're asking. Eg. Every third Saturday for 3 hours.

toomuchlaundry · 11/09/2021 20:43

Can they do tomorrow so you can at least start?

FrownedUpon · 11/09/2021 20:43

You really should have confirmed this with them before taking the job. I don’t blame them actually, it would be a big commitment for them. I wouldn’t do it as a grandparent.

Hankunamatata · 11/09/2021 20:43

How far ahead do you get dh rota? Get the rota and mark up for the month when you need their help then talk to them

Lotusmonster · 11/09/2021 20:45

I think this is miscommunication between you and that you OP, have been pretty vague with them about what your requirements are. It sounds to me like you would like them to just hang around in limbo and be ready as & when for you …not fair really. Equally they should have spelled out clearly what they could and couldn’t commit to.

DontWantTheRivalry · 11/09/2021 20:45

They are retired and said they would help with childcare as I'm struggling financially

Saying they would help with childcare is very different to them saying they would do all the childcare.

I understand your frustration but I think a miscommunication has led to this.

Porridgealert · 11/09/2021 20:45

I'm confused by your post. You say you need them to do 2 after schools, then may be 3 after schools. It would only be an hour. Or maybe 2 hours. And then the occasional weekend. But you don't indicate how often. Surely work have given you a shift pattern of what your hours are going to be. How can you plan paid childcare if you're on an ad hoc sort of arrangement?
Your second post says your husband does shifts so they won't be needed regularly which is what they want so I don't see a problem.
When I retired for the first time my life became about me. Not about having to arrange my life round someone else's irregular working pattern. You need to nail down your hours with your manager.

Viviennemary · 11/09/2021 20:47

Seems to be wires crossed here. You told them occasional weekends. But now its a regular thing every other weekend. You probably should have made clearer. Three weekdays and every other weekdnd is quite a big ask.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 11/09/2021 20:48

Personally I don't understand their mentality. Obviously I don't know the circumstances or their situation but I just can't imagine not wanting to spend any time I could with my grandkids, especially to help out my own daughter! Just wouldn't enter my head to do anything but help where I could... people are all different I guess. Anyway op I don't have any advice but absolutely feel for you, it's disappointing and hurtful im sure. X

saraclara · 11/09/2021 20:48

When my DD had her baby we talked about how I'd help when she went back to work. We were agreed that there wouldn't be a regular commitment, but that I'd step in in emergencies and if my DD and DSonInLaw's shifts clashed. DD was able to predict how often the latter was likely to happen, and it was around once or twice a month. So we were very clear and informed, and it all goes very well.

You don't seem to have really talked properly.

Porridgealert · 11/09/2021 20:49

Can I just add, though, congratulations on doing something to get yourself out of debt and not just ignoring the problem. Thats not an easy step so well done. Maybe you could tell your parents it's until you get financially straight and then you'll look for paid care?

ScrumptiousBears · 11/09/2021 20:49

Have you looked at after school clubs OP?

PaddleBoardingMomma · 11/09/2021 20:50

@Porridgealert

Can I just add, though, congratulations on doing something to get yourself out of debt and not just ignoring the problem. Thats not an easy step so well done. Maybe you could tell your parents it's until you get financially straight and then you'll look for paid care?
Yes agree with this 100%, nice to see posters supporting and cheering for one another for once, these things usually turn into a cesspit of nasty comments
MimiDaisy11 · 11/09/2021 20:51

Your OP isn’t clear so I’m thinking it’s a problem with communication between you. It was really on you to clearly state what you need from them and to see if they’d agree to it.