Aibu for choosing mother rather than unborn baby?

[Bells3032]

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me. Friend was surprised and said she'd chose her unborn baby over her.

Said it makes more sense to choose the mother as she's less "replaceable" for lack of a better sense (not that a baby is replaceable but hopefully you know what I mean) and the only person who'd be more upset at losing the baby than me would be me.

Am I just a horribly in maternal person.

Which would you chose?

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Thefaceofboe would you tell your partner to save you over your newborn in a house fire?[/quote]
What a strange and unrelated question 🤔

I think the only people who can make grandiose statement about how they would rather die than risk a pregnancy are those lucky ones who have never had to make any such choices

Agree.

And to those saying the DH/DP would never be asked to choose, that is true in developed countries now. However, in the past here, and in places where c sections are unavailable now, the only way to save the mother in an obstructed labour can be to sacrifice the baby. Sadly this dilemma is still a real one.

Mine tried to bring this up almost gleefully when I was pregnant and looked pretty disappointed when I informed him that no one would be asking his opinion on who to “save”!

So save yourselves a fraught and melodramatic conversation, it’s a bit….. cringe? Soap opera? Saving mother or baby is not a thing, your husband/partner/mum will not be asked their opinion. The medics will get on with saving you and if baby lives as well then that will be brilliant

This, 100 times over. There’s a lot of angst, drama and almost competitive martyrdom on this thread about a situation which will never arise.

@FloconDeNeige

My first pregnancy I said to save the baby but as soon as I was a mother then no....the needs of existing children come first and they need a mum.

This POV just goes to prove that even women who reckon they’d ‘save the baby’, place less ‘value’ (for want of a better word) on the life of the unborn. (And thus probably wouldn’t save the baby if they were actually staring death in the face).

Otherwise it makes no sense to say you’d prioritise the baby from a first pregnancy but for subsequent pregnancies you’d prioritise yourself. Why? The baby in the first pregnancy would also be left motherless and as a (possibly premature) newborn, would arguably need her more than older children would. So why would you abandon a newborn baby to the world without a mother, but not older, existing children?

Because we value the life of the born over the unborn, both in law and instinctively. Thus we choose the mother. All the rest is martyr-ish nonsense.

Agree 💯

@MitheringMytryl

There's a few people telling porky pies on this thread...

The doctor coming into the room to tell Dad that they can either save his partner or the unborn baby, and he has to choose which, is something that happens in TV land.

That’s what I thought too. Doctors have to prioritise the mother.

I am not sure where people are getting the idea the person who I was chatting to was male and he said he'd chose his baby. I did say in my post the friend was a she. She's also pregnant and it was one of those weird convos based entirely off of a melodramatic TV show. Obv we know in reality the doctors would make that choice and never the Partner. Was just a convo to while away an evening. Thanks for all the answers. An interesting mix.

@PrincessNutella that convo about blood transfusions makes no sense. Why would they ever need a blood transfusion from a woman whose just given birth. Surely they would have blood on standby that's already been checked and screened and properly prepared. Besides not all mothers can donate to their kids. My mum was rh+ whilst I am Rh- so she wouldn't have been able to donate to me anyway. I know I'm condemning another completely hypothetical situation and being a bit of a hyprocrit here. But that seems a weird hill for your Internet friend to die on

It's good that men aren't asked to choose because it's going to fuck them up.

Also the idea that the man gets to have that control and ownership over the woman’s body and literally decide whether she gets to live or die in a split second decision.

@EarringsandLipstick

I don't know the details of this case, but even in Ireland, when abortion had not been legalised, the Catholic dogma permitted treatment for a mother where her life was in danger, even if it resulted in the death of the unborn baby. (However, the details around that were highly nuanced, about what exactly was necessary re the life of the mother, so I'm not saying it was a good situation. In fact, it resulted in tragic deaths).

Savita Halappanavar, a Hindu woman of Indian origin, and living in Ireland, died from septic miscarriage when, following an incomplete miscarriage, medical staff at University Hospital Galway denied on legal grounds her request for an abortion. She was told ‘Ireland is a Catholic country’.

I agree OP. My partner and I have had the same hypothetical conversation and without hesitation we both said me. I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant with first baby - I imagine I’ll feel very differently when she’s actually here, but for now I don’t really feel anything strong towards her at all apart from a general survival instinct “hope she’s ok” type thing. If it were the baby or my partner I’d pick my partner. But as I said I fully expect that to change as soon as she’s born.

YANBU, I have DC already so saving me would be a no brainier for their sake. Even if I didn't have existing DC I would want to be saved! Of course I would be sad to lose a wanted pregnancy but I never felt connected to my DC until they were living breathing humans in front of me so I would get over a pregnancy loss in time. My mother would never get over the loss of me though, my siblings and wider family would be impacted too so I would choose me every time

I had this conversation with a friend a few years ago and she was almost horrified that I wouldn't choose to save the baby.
At the time my son wasn't even 2 yet and still breast feeding he needs me.
Obviously you don't know how you would react in that situation but she really didn't like my choice

@Recessed

YANBU, I have DC already so saving me would be a no brainier for their sake. Even if I didn't have existing DC I would want to be saved! Of course I would be sad to lose a wanted pregnancy but I never felt connected to my DC until they were living breathing humans in front of me so I would get over a pregnancy loss in time. My mother would never get over the loss of me though, my siblings and wider family would be impacted too so I would choose me every time

This really. I have three children so them losing a sibling that wasn't born would impact them far less than losing their mother.

If it was my first baby, I'm not sure, but I don't think I ever really thought about this kind of thing when I was pregnant. It's a bit pointless because what you would do in reality might be quite different to what you would do in a hypothetical situation.

Many years ago when I was doing an A&E rotation we had a pregnant woman come in after a car crash. There was no discussion with her husband, no angst over who to save. She was our priority not the unborn child.

As a doctor I would never prioritise the life of an unborn child over its mother.

I would absolutely expect to be chosen over the baby (not hypothetical, I'm 7 months), this is also the Jewish position.

Many years ago when I was doing an A&E rotation we had a pregnant woman come in after a car crash. There was no discussion with her husband, no angst over who to save. She was our priority not the unborn child. As a doctor I would never prioritise the life of an unborn child over its mother.

That's the way it should be but outside of the UK that's not always the way it goes. Ireland had some horrific cases before abortion was legalised. It's not exactly the same situation as the mother couldn't be saved, but this one always horried me. I was pregnant at the time and it compounded my belief that the mother should always come before an unborn child.

www.google.ie/amp/s/www.thejournal.ie/readme/eight-amendment-abortion-rights-2685815-Mar2016/%3famp=1

Medical staff make these decisions based on the situation at hand and saving their patient - the mother.

Family aren't asked "who to save", life isn't a soap opera.

There is a lot of embellished and exaggerated fairytales on this thread
I can assure you, no doctor ever delivers the to camera speech about who to save
I appreciate in fraught situations people are misremembering dialogue
But to be clear it’s a non choice you will not be asked. So don’t stress yourself out with hypothetical dilemma

Unborn baby has no legal rights
Baby born who draws breath becomes the pt with their own neonate treatment team, that changes the dynamic. There are now 2 patients

People seem to be using baby to refer to both unborn and born baby
If there is a conversation about nicu then there is a newborn needing treatment & monitoring

@SecretSpAD

Many years ago when I was doing an A&E rotation we had a pregnant woman come in after a car crash. There was no discussion with her husband, no angst over who to save. She was our priority not the unborn child.

As a doctor I would never prioritise the life of an unborn child over its mother.

Absolutely correct and as it is. This is exactly the decision and the treatment outcome

@bananarice
I completely agree. My DS2 was also stillborn and I was touch and go myself for a while. I was so utterly unmoved by the idea of my own death at that point. "Good, let me die, what kind of mother lets her tiny baby go off into the universe without her?"
DS2 is not replaceable. I could have 20 more babies and it still wouldn't heal the hole in my life where he should be.
The day DS1 was born was obviously so different. I spent that first night in hospital catastrophising about how if he died, I would die too, and if I died and left him behind without his mummy I'd never forgive myself. Such overwhelming emotions. The idea of my own death had never been so terrifying as when I would be leaving behind someone who needed me more than anyone else in the world.

if I died and left him behind without his mummy I'd never forgive myself

I don’t get this. How would you never forgive yourself? You’d be dead and therefore no longer in existence to forgive/not forgive.

Such melodrama

I'd say the baby with my first, but now I have 2 I'd say me, for their sakes, but I would feel terrible if it ever came to it.

@ArnoldJudasRimmer

But that makes no sense

My DH said when I was long in to a really difficult labour (and was drunk on gas an air) I pulled him in to me and whispered "I don't want to die if they ask you to choose, pick me to save!" I have no recollection of this and if you asked me after i'd given birth id have given my life to save my baby without hesitation. I think when you're pregnant you know your baby is in there, but it's not quite real maybe? A bit of an abstract concept. Thankfully, DH never had to make that decision.

To add, although it was a difficult labour it wasn't nearly a life or death situation, but maybe to my drugged mind the possibility was there and I wanted to clarify my position!