Aibu for choosing mother rather than unborn baby?

[Bells3032]

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me. Friend was surprised and said she'd chose her unborn baby over her.

Said it makes more sense to choose the mother as she's less "replaceable" for lack of a better sense (not that a baby is replaceable but hopefully you know what I mean) and the only person who'd be more upset at losing the baby than me would be me.

Am I just a horribly in maternal person.

Which would you chose?

I'd pick me over someone I didn't know. I know many pregnant women feel differently to me, but I'd say I didn't know my DC until they were born.

Does anyone know what really does happen?

See my post above. The ideal outcome is that both survive but in an either/or situation the patient (the woman) is prioritised.

The mother. Every time.

I have debated this with myself, I think in theory I would like to be noble and save the child, but in practice I am not sure.

Both myself and DP have had the conversation that in a fire, one of us (probably me) would make sure DS was out first

In something like a zombie apolcolpyse, DS is going to the first to go, followed by me mainly because DP can kill and skin a squirrel. Although just asked and he now thinks DS can run faster than me, so I might be the first to go

The idea that a husband/partner would ever be asked to choose in this situation is nonsense.

Unborn DC I'd expect the adult to be saved, and also try to save baby, now with a DC I'd expect DH to save DS not me (boat capsized, fire etc)

How many of us have declined a paracetemol when pregnant, despite a banging headache? Chose to avoid certain risky foods (soft cheeses, pate). How many chose to come off eg. anti-depressants when pregnant, just in case the medicine damaged the foetus? Or chose to delay chemo, despite having agressive cancer, because it likely would harm the foetus?

I can see the thinking behind "saving the baby over the mother" as an extension of scenarios like these, which many of us have already been through. The maternal instinct is (often) strong, and lots of us would rather we suffer, even die, rather than our baby.

YANBU.

That's a really weird thing to say. Was his partner/wife there?

It's a horrible decision. But to choose to let your grown partner that you loved die in childbirth is really yikes.

Now they are out and grown different matter. Both of us would give our lives to save our children.

But that would be our choice.

I wouldn't make the decision for him to die saving them.

In the end surely if this has been discussed then it's the woman's decision to make before she gives birth.

Even if he thinks that I can't believe he said it.

@MyDcAreMarvel that's a completely different scenario though.

As a pregnant woman I would probably have said save the unborn child. No rhyme nor reason behind it.

Now, with the benefit of lots of years of parenting as well as just life experience, I would say save me. Even if I was having my first child (hope that makes sense!) as devastating as that would be afterwards.

After DD arrived, then both of us would choose her first 100% no questions.

Before? My husband would have chosen me guaranteed. I almost certainly would have too, which sounds a bit awful but it is what it is. I didn't really feel like I loved DD until she was born – I felt protective of her when she was still inside, but it wasn't really 'love'. Not like when she actually arrived. But a lot of people do have that kind of bond with an unborn baby so I can understand making another decision.

I agree with you, it sounds harsh but an unborn baby is "replaceable" so I would choose me over the baby. I have seen a few stories where women with aggressive cancer have delayed treatment for months while pregnant to save the baby, and some have died quite soon after the birth. The thought of leaving my newborn without a mother with full responsibility left to my DH, and probably far too much input from my ILs, doesn't bear thinking about.

I would choose mother over baby because deliberately making a baby motherless is just not on. I also imagine how difficult it could be for a child to grow up in the knowledge that his or her mother died because of him.

Do people still have to make such decisions? I suppose they do, you just don't hear of it.

For a child to grow up knowing that it was their birth that killed their mother, sounds absolutely awful. I don't know how that child (and the adult they'd grow up to be) could ever live with that irrational, but very real guilt.

My consultant told me (as I have a condition that is normally find but just needs to be mentioned as it could be mot fine) that I am his patient and he would save me, he also said as i had am older DC at that time that was another reason to prioritise.

@Barneythedinosaur

If it was my first baby I would probably say save the baby. If I already had a child / children, I would say save me as they need me I think.

This one for me. I just to say to save my baby. Since I have a child, I did not want to leave her alone in the world, for nothing, not even a second baby. As she is getting independant, I am changing back to my old mindset. Now, I think, mothers will do anything for their children, anything!

It’s interesting to see what people say.
With my youngest baby I had a difficult birth and genuinely thought I was going to die for a short while, in that moment I wanted them to save my baby.
When not in that moment I would say me because of my existing dc.

@plixy

I was going to say the same as *@Barneythedinosaur* I hate the thought of leaving my daughter without a mum

But if you save the baby then you do leave that baby without a mum *@Barneythedinosaur*!

Having had a late loss I would say the mother. As unfortunately, until confidently post partum an unborn child is a potential rather than actual life.
Obviously it's an awful thing to be debating though.

A lot less disasterising might be needed

@Changethetoner

I had the instinct not to cause harm to my unborn child if s/he could be delivered at full term or nearest to it as possible plus be healthy.

However due to what family members and close friends do plus what has happened to some of our close friends, my DP already knew it was my life over our unborn child regardless of the number of weeks.

Life to breed another day.

Every species on the planet understands this, except for the species who die after mating. That's not humans.

I wish people would understand this.

My mum made my DH promise he would save me if it came to it when I gave birth. She said we could always have another baby but I was irreplaceable. Horrible I know but horrible to even have to consider it. We were lucky to have a healthy baby and reasonably straightforward birth. It makes me sad for those who aren't so lucky

@3scape

Having had a late loss I would say the mother. As unfortunately, until confidently post partum an unborn child is a potential rather than actual life. Obviously it's an awful thing to be debating though. A lot less disasterising might be needed

Sorry for your loss.

Completely bizarre that people think the medics would go to your husband/partner and ask them to make this decision! Of course that would never happen. And of course medics have to focus on someone who is alive beyond someone who’s not yet born. The mother could of course refuse treatment if she felt it could help the baby.

I thought it was a case of...

If the woman is unconscious and unable to consent to anything then her life is always prioritised over the unborn child in an emergency situation.

They would NEVER ask her husband ‘so who would you like to choose to save?’ and have him pick one or the other.

If a woman is conscious then she can of course choose to prioritise her life or her unborn baby through what she does or does not consent to.

I’d chose me, first baby or otherwise.

Motherless newborns are generally doomed in nature, so I’d stay it’s a natural instinct to avoid 2 deaths.

I know some people say they’d choose the baby but they probably wouldn’t if it actually came to it (not that they’d have a say anyway, so it’s all hypothetical).