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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for choosing mother rather than unborn baby?

375 replies

Bells3032 · 11/09/2021 19:35

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me. Friend was surprised and said she'd chose her unborn baby over her.

Said it makes more sense to choose the mother as she's less "replaceable" for lack of a better sense (not that a baby is replaceable but hopefully you know what I mean) and the only person who'd be more upset at losing the baby than me would be me.

Am I just a horribly in maternal person.

Which would you chose?

OP posts:
LaikO · 12/09/2021 16:57

[quote FloconDeNeige]@ArnoldJudasRimmer

But that makes no sense[/quote]
As in, ideally, if I were in labour/pregnant and only one of us could be saved, I'd prefer for the baby to be saved over me.

Realistically, I would have taken the above stance when pregnant with my first child. Now I have 2, I would want them to save me so my existing children weren't left without a mother, although I would feel awful for the hypothetical unborn child.

Youseethethingis · 12/09/2021 16:57

@FloconDeNeige
I did also say I was catastrophising and experiencing overwhelming emotions.
So not rational thought and logic.
I know I'd be too dead to care, thanks Hmm

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 12/09/2021 16:59

Sorry I've changed my name and don't always remember to change it back as I don't post anything personal/outing, the above reply is me!

TheNinny · 12/09/2021 17:03

I had a horrendous birth with DD. After they brought all the legal papers for me sign for possible c-section etc etc I told DH to save DD and not me 😦 He reassured me it wouldn’t come to that (but didn’t actually say ok to my request). I just wanted her to be ok.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/09/2021 17:15

[quote takehomepay]@EarringsandLipstick

I don't know the details of this case, but even in Ireland, when abortion had not been legalised, the Catholic dogma permitted treatment for a mother where her life was in danger, even if it resulted in the death of the unborn baby. (However, the details around that were highly nuanced, about what exactly was necessary re the life of the mother, so I'm not saying it was a good situation. In fact, it resulted in tragic deaths).

Savita Halappanavar, a Hindu woman of Indian origin, and living in Ireland, died from septic miscarriage when, following an incomplete miscarriage, medical staff at University Hospital Galway denied on legal grounds her request for an abortion. She was told ‘Ireland is a Catholic country’.[/quote]
I didn't mean Savita's case obviously (I'm Irish!) I meant the case in the States in an American hospital that a PP mentioned & whose post I was replying to.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/09/2021 17:17

@ArnoldJudasRimmer

I'd say the baby with my first, but now I have 2 I'd say me, for their sakes, but I would feel terrible if it ever came to it.
That's nonsensical & not a choice you will ever have
Itawapuddytat · 12/09/2021 17:34

Partners/husbands/dads/NOK are never asked in UK. They can be informed but they are not asked to choose anything or consent to anything.

The mother can choose, as she can accept or refuse any treatment which could save her life but terminate the pregnancy, but this is exactly as she could accept or reject any treatment if she weren't pregnant She needs to give informed consent to anything and everything. Or not, it is all up to her.

If she is unconscious and cannot consent, the decision for treatment and medical procedures belongs to the medical staff, who at that moment have one patient: the mother. Her life and well-being are the only priorities. The baby is not a patient until birth, and after birth, as mentioned before there are two patients and they both need to be looked after.

Mummabear89 · 12/09/2021 17:57

Had the same conversation with my DH. Told him that he had to choose the baby because that baby is a part of me. He said that he couldn't do that to our older child which is understandable. Luckily it's never happened and never will now

Exhaustedpanda · 12/09/2021 18:01

We had this talk when I was expecting. With my first I told my husband he should absolutely choose our baby, they were the most important. With children after her though it is a more difficult decision as you have the child/children you already have to think about and what they would want and need in that situation as well, they would need their mother.

Thoranddrjones · 12/09/2021 18:02

Abouttoblow

If it was my first baby I would probably say save the baby.
If I already had a child / children, I would say save me as they need me I think.

Wouldn't that baby also need you?

————-
This!!!!

ellyeth · 12/09/2021 18:03

The mother, assuming the birth will not leave her profoundly disabled or with a terminal prognosis.

I would be very upset to learn that my partner would prioritise a baby over me.

Thehop · 12/09/2021 18:05

My dh was told that one of us may not make it when we went in for emcs. He told them to look after me. I agree with him. I had older children at home which may well have made a huge difference. Though I think I’d feel the same with a first.

Rosebel · 12/09/2021 18:07

@Abouttoblow

If it was my first baby I would probably say save the baby. If I already had a child / children, I would say save me as they need me I think.

Wouldn't that baby also need you?

I was thinking this too.
Suzi888 · 12/09/2021 18:08

DH would save me.
I’m not sure what I’d do, horrid choice to have to make.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 18:10

Thankfully nobody would ever be called upon to actually make it...

Sarbears28 · 12/09/2021 18:15

I had this same conversation with my husband before the birth of our 1st child. I said save the baby. He said he would not and save me. So when I went in for delivery I took my sister in with me as she would follow my wishes. I'm now 12weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and still my over riding instinct is to save this child over my own. When I go into labour again my sister will be with me as she will chose the baby. My husband would still chose me.

XenoBitch · 12/09/2021 18:17

@Sarbears28

I had this same conversation with my husband before the birth of our 1st child. I said save the baby. He said he would not and save me. So when I went in for delivery I took my sister in with me as she would follow my wishes. I'm now 12weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and still my over riding instinct is to save this child over my own. When I go into labour again my sister will be with me as she will chose the baby. My husband would still chose me.
Neither your husband or sister would be asked. You would be saved every time as you are the patient.
beautifullybonkers · 12/09/2021 18:19

17years ago I was in this situation and my dh chose me over our baby. It messed me up for a very long time although oddly I never felt angry at him for his decision but if you had asked me hypothetically before hand I would have told you I’d be furious with him and I would have chosen the baby. Even now, years later, I don’t know in reality what I would have chosen had I been in a position to make or even be involved in the decision making. It was such a burden for him to carry.

Mummabug18 · 12/09/2021 18:20

I'd certainly choose my own life now (I'm 38wks) as we have a son already and feel he would cope better losing his unborn sibling than his mum so essentially choosing our 3yo. When pregnant with him though, I don't know, I probably would have chosen him then too but at the end of the day it would be DHs decision and I would want him to know I would respect whatever he dicided in such a dire situation.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 18:20

@Sarbears28

I had this same conversation with my husband before the birth of our 1st child. I said save the baby. He said he would not and save me. So when I went in for delivery I took my sister in with me as she would follow my wishes. I'm now 12weeks pregnant with our 3rd child and still my over riding instinct is to save this child over my own. When I go into labour again my sister will be with me as she will chose the baby. My husband would still chose me.
Imagine having this conversation every time Confused Even assuming anyone would actually be presented with this "choice".
Xmasbaby11 · 12/09/2021 18:27

It's not a real choice as it would always be mother over baby, medically, while the baby is unborn. Once the baby is born, the situation is totally different and not comparable.

I have 2 dc. It would be my life over my baby's every time if it was my choice (but it wouldn't be). I am living and take precedence.

I know a friend who was extremely ill and had to terminate her baby to save her life. It was a horrible decision but absolutely the right one. She had one child and the baby had low chance of survival and would have been severely disabled after birth.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 12/09/2021 18:28

The woman. Most definitely!

FloconDeNeige · 12/09/2021 18:30

Once again, nobody gets to choose and regardless of all the virtue-signalling, best mums in the world saying they’d absolutely choose the foetus, if they were actually confronted with the decision for real, they probably wouldn’t.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 12/09/2021 18:32

Definitely the mother at 20 weeks.

HTKB · 12/09/2021 18:32

@Sarbears28 sorry that’s MENTAL. Your husband is missing the birth of his children (assuming you would both want him there) for some non existent melodramatic plot point!!! There won’t be a choice to make. Neither your sister nor your DH will be asked. There will be no emergency situation that arises where this will be applicable! Stop worrying about nothing!!!

Honestly, this thread……