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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for choosing mother rather than unborn baby?

375 replies

Bells3032 · 11/09/2021 19:35

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me. Friend was surprised and said she'd chose her unborn baby over her.

Said it makes more sense to choose the mother as she's less "replaceable" for lack of a better sense (not that a baby is replaceable but hopefully you know what I mean) and the only person who'd be more upset at losing the baby than me would be me.

Am I just a horribly in maternal person.

Which would you chose?

OP posts:
Notdoingthis · 11/09/2021 23:21

I know the mother is prioritised. And I know my children need me. But each of my children is equally loved, cherished and important. Hypothetically I couldn't choose me, as that is putting me above my child. They have all the potential of a life to live. I don't think I could live knowing I had made that choice (which would never happen thank God).

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 23:24

If you had eclampsia the medical team would not be offering your dh any say in your treatment.

underneaththeash · 11/09/2021 23:25

Fego it rly the mother. Could you imagine as a child knowing that you’d effectively caused the death of your mother?

PickAChew · 11/09/2021 23:29

Mother, always. It's not like the foetus would survive if the mother died at 20 weeks, anyway, so it's a bit of a false dilemma.

Mama1980 · 11/09/2021 23:30

Personally I risked my life against all medical advice to have my ds2 who ended up being delivered at 24 weeks. My instructions were clear, my baby at all costs and my treatment was carried out according to this wish......I got lucky. They saved my son and though I arrested during a crash c section and spent weeks in ICU we both made it.
I have 2 older children so maybe it was selfish but I went to have an abortion and simply couldn't do it. I could not have lived with it.
So I would choose my baby every time, I would not however judge anyone for making a different decision. I'm only giving my experience.

PickAChew · 11/09/2021 23:38

@banoffeee

I’ve heard some cases where women have prioritised their unborn baby’s life over their own- for example a woman in a magazine who postponed chemotherapy because she was pregnant.

But again, this is never the father’s decision. Women always make the choices about their own body and who they wish to prioritise. In cases where a woman is unconscious and unable to consent then her life is always given priority by medics. Seems to be a bit of widespread myth that men are asked ‘who to save’ judging by these replies.

Chemo is less clear, though - often it's known to be just delaying the inevitable, anyhow.
Pedalpushers · 11/09/2021 23:39

A woman with memories, relationships, experiences and a life already lived is more important than a foetus that has never yet existed in the world.

TreeSmuggler · 11/09/2021 23:50

Eclampsia, me with sky high blood pressure and seriously low platelet count, DCs 10 weeks premature with oxygen starvation for the same reasons. Must be nice to live in a world where every pregnancy goes perfectly....

I think what pp is saying is that the treatment for both people in this situation is immediate delivery, so there isn't an element of choosing between the two.

Yarqueen · 11/09/2021 23:52

Ironically @Pedalpushers that's exactly the reason why I would choose my baby, so that they could have that opportunity to experience all of those things that I have already been fortunate enough to

Mummapenguin20 · 11/09/2021 23:54

During my third labour (think 20 mins at hospital till birth) things went wrong very very quickly. I had a room full of nurses and midwifes my doctor walked in and i looked her dead in the eyes and said do not let me die i have children at home, before i started pushing i told my midwife something was wrong and to go to the end of the earth for my baby deal with me later lucky for me i have a fabulous midwife and a fantastic doctor. And we both lived to tell the tale. I will never forget that midwife that doctor or the team around them

EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 23:57

@Mama1980

Personally I risked my life against all medical advice to have my ds2 who ended up being delivered at 24 weeks. My instructions were clear, my baby at all costs and my treatment was carried out according to this wish......I got lucky. They saved my son and though I arrested during a crash c section and spent weeks in ICU we both made it. I have 2 older children so maybe it was selfish but I went to have an abortion and simply couldn't do it. I could not have lived with it. So I would choose my baby every time, I would not however judge anyone for making a different decision. I'm only giving my experience.
Yes being a capacitous adult you made a decision regard yourself The treatment team would still prioritise you before an unborn baby You are the pt. the unborn baby has no legal rights So I must correct you, you didn’t get a straight choice it’s You or the baby. Treatment team will always prioritise you. you don’t get the final treatment decision. That’s your consultant and the treatment team
justasking111 · 11/09/2021 23:58

My friends husband faced this decision at the hospital he told them to save his wife. It's a hard one

MissTrip82 · 12/09/2021 00:02

The men reporting they were asked to choose are mis-remembering a conversation at a time of high stress.

It happens with lots of these conversations - I’ve seen relatives describe conversations in the paper that I’ve been involved in that simply never, ever happened. They believe that they were asked to decide something that’s a purely medical decision and that was never presented to them, or that they ‘insisted’ that something happen (like that the medical retrieval plane should ‘fly faster’…..) that simply didn’t occur. It’s really really common to mis-remember this stuff; it’s not the same as lying.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 00:02

@justasking111

My friends husband faced this decision at the hospital he told them to save his wife. It's a hard one
They really won't have left this decision in his hands.
Clocktopus · 12/09/2021 00:04

The Next of Kin thing has no legal standing. If you were unconscious or unable to consent to treatment (e.g., deemed to lack capacity) then the medics would decide your treatment. They would speak to your next of kin about available options if there was time and they have the right to be given information about your condition/treatment but a next of kin cannot make medical decisions about providing or withholding treatment and cannot consent on your behalf. You need lasting power of attorney for that which needs to be set up in advance.

It doesn't matter what anyones mum says, what their husband says, what they've written in their brith plan - in an emergency, the mother will be prioritised. The baby will be delivered if clinically indicated and handed off to the neonatal team but the primary focus for the staff looking after the woman will be preserving her life.

EvilEdna1 · 12/09/2021 00:04

@justasking111

My friends husband faced this decision at the hospital he told them to save his wife. It's a hard one
No he didn't. The priority for drs is always the mother. They do not ask the fathers opinion.
CecilyP · 12/09/2021 00:04

My friends husband faced this decision at the hospital he told them to save his wife. It's a hard one

So what did hospital do differently in order to save his wife?

Clocktopus · 12/09/2021 00:07

While having one of my DC, things went a bit squiffy during the (planned) section and I needed sorting out before they could continue. The work to get DC out stopped completely, they were left inside me, and the surgical team stopped working while the anaesthetist team got my heart rate and blood pressure sorted. There was no asking, no checking who they should save, I was the sole focus because I was the one headed for the drain. Once they got me stabilised, then they switched back to getting DC out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/09/2021 00:08

My first pregnancy I said to save the baby but as soon as I was a mother then no....the needs of existing children come first and they need a mum.

lyntheyresexpeople · 12/09/2021 00:09

@Barneythedinosaur

If it was my first baby I would probably say save the baby. If I already had a child / children, I would say save me as they need me I think.
This. I said this to Dh when pregnant with my first to save baby, but second to save me as she needed me. Horribly morbid conversations but that's what anxiety does!
XenoBitch · 12/09/2021 00:09

@justasking111

My friends husband faced this decision at the hospital he told them to save his wife. It's a hard one
He must have misremembered because this does not happen outside of movies.
steff13 · 12/09/2021 00:26

@Barneythedinosaur

If it was my first baby I would probably say save the baby. If I already had a child / children, I would say save me as they need me I think.
This is exactly what I was going to say.
Cherryberrybonbon · 12/09/2021 00:37

My baby had to be delivered at 31 weeks to save my life and when I asked my partner if he would choose me or our baby he said
“100% you, where would I be with our baby and not you, I’d never be able to parent if I lost you in child birth”.
I know lots of people who have had this convo and all day the mom.

PrincessNutella · 12/09/2021 00:48

I would always choose the mother.

NumberTheory · 12/09/2021 00:55

100% me.

Now, I would die for my kids, but when they were still inside me - no.

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