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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for choosing mother rather than unborn baby?

375 replies

Bells3032 · 11/09/2021 19:35

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me. Friend was surprised and said she'd chose her unborn baby over her.

Said it makes more sense to choose the mother as she's less "replaceable" for lack of a better sense (not that a baby is replaceable but hopefully you know what I mean) and the only person who'd be more upset at losing the baby than me would be me.

Am I just a horribly in maternal person.

Which would you chose?

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 21:08

It’s a non-choice.in the event No one would have asked @surreygirl1987

barskits · 11/09/2021 21:10

@GoingOutOutNEVER

Some people will say what they think is morally the right answer I.e baby over mother.
Other people would say that morally it would be the opposite. That the mother's life should be the priority over the unborn baby.

DD1 and I had quite a time of it during labour, and at one point, when they were prepping the theatre for me, the consultant very purposefully looked me in the eye and said to both DH and me that if anything were to go pear-shaped, it would be me they would try to save first. He told us that they always do that.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 11/09/2021 21:16

I would have chosen my baby. DH and I had this conversation, I told him it was his choice if it came to it as I wasn't going to choose to make him a widow and single father, but I would have given anything for my baby from the moment he was there, I genuinely always felt he was a baby and my job was to protect him. Now DS is born we both agree that our number 1 priority is him and his life is paramount. I would expect DH to give his life for DS and vice versa.

Cuck00soup · 11/09/2021 21:17

I get that this is hypothetical, but you do know that partners and spouses are not asked to choose?

Cuddlyrottweiler · 11/09/2021 21:18

What I mean is. DH wanted to save me. And I told him I supported that decision because in the end he's the one experiencing the consequences.

EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 21:21

@Cuck00soup

I get that this is hypothetical, but you do know that partners and spouses are not asked to choose?
Indeed they are not asked. It’s a wholly theoretical discussion Unborn baby has no legal status. Woman is the patient
Cuddlyrottweiler · 11/09/2021 21:22

But I also told him that if something was going wrong and DS had been born but we both needed emergency care, that he was to go with our child and at no point was our child to be alone. I'm a big girl, I can self soothe, my baby needed his daddy more than I needed my husband. It did come to it, although not as dramatic but DS and I got separated. I was more comforted knowing DH was looking after our baby than I would have been by him holding my hand.

riotlady · 11/09/2021 21:23

YANBU, I remember having this conversation with DH when I was pregnant and we both agreed we would save me if we somehow had to choose.

HTKB · 11/09/2021 21:24

Also - it’s massively unfair to be having these unneeded conversations with your partner. Can you imagine being told who to choose in a life or death situation, or worse, being told it’s your choice whether to save the woman you love or your unborn baby!

If you do feel the need for such a conversation - and, trying not to be a birch, but I think we all know the type of woman that would instigate this conversation drama queens - tell them to keep their head down and let the doctor get on with it.

If a partner even tried to intervene in an emergency situation, security would be called and they would be removed from the ward.

EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 21:25

You would never be asked to chose. It’s a non-choice unborn baby has no rights

CarryOnNurse20 · 11/09/2021 21:25

Always the mother. That’s what I was taught and stand by as an patient. The baby doesn’t count til it’s born (except in Texas 🙃). Sorry but it’s true.

DeepDown12 · 11/09/2021 21:25

We were in that situation with an extremely risky delivery, Had to tell DH to choose the baby if it came to that as he would have chosen me. Thankfully, we both made it but I can understand both sides of the argument. For me, after years of battling infertility, IVFs and MMCs - it was a simple choice, but not for my DH who went through the same experiences with me.

BikeRunSki · 11/09/2021 21:26

DH was asked this when DD was born (I was unconscious). He chose me, as we already had a child. Fortunately we both survived.

XenoBitch · 11/09/2021 21:27

I asked this when doing training for a HCP role. Mother every time as she is the patient. And her partner/spouse wont be asked. That only happens in films/television.

ShippingNews · 11/09/2021 21:27

The doctors do the "choosing" and it is always the mother's life which is prioritised. After the baby is viable, at around 20 weeks, they'll try to deliver the baby , but no doctor would decide to save an unborn baby in favour of the mother. That only happens in the movies.

HTKB · 11/09/2021 21:29

@DeepDown12 no you weren’t.

I’m not disputing your birth may have been terrifying, traumatising, poorly handled, or whatever else you may wish to say about it. I’m truly sorry, it sounds so scary and thankfully you are both here and fine.

But you were not in a situation where anyone would have had to choose between saving you or your baby, let alone your DH. Partly
because there is no choice to be made, you would saved if needed, and partly because in a modern obstetric hospital there will be enough hands attempt to save everyone, assuming baby has been born.

I just think this type of thing is a massively unhelpful conversation. Choosing mother or
baby happens on the telly, not in real life.

EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 21:30

Ok, so the unborn child has no rights
A live baby who has drawn breath is now also the patient
So that changes the dynamics. When both mum and baby are patients there are different choices and neonate team decisions and adult team decisions

HTKB · 11/09/2021 21:30

@BikeRunSki come on. That didn’t happen. It would be totally illegal for a start.

SunshineCake · 11/09/2021 21:31

@HTKB

Also - it’s massively unfair to be having these unneeded conversations with your partner. Can you imagine being told who to choose in a life or death situation, or worse, being told it’s your choice whether to save the woman you love or your unborn baby!

If you do feel the need for such a conversation - and, trying not to be a birch, but I think we all know the type of woman that would instigate this conversation drama queens - tell them to keep their head down and let the doctor get on with it.

If a partner even tried to intervene in an emergency situation, security would be called and they would be removed from the ward.

This is really unfair.

When dh and I had the conversation it just came out of the blue to the situation we suddenly found ourselves in and we didn't know it wouldn't be our choice.

SteakandOnionPie · 11/09/2021 21:33

Not sure why people are posting about traumatic births and how they told their husband's to "save the baby" even if you told them that, the doctor prioritises the woman giving birth over the baby. It's not like they turn to the bloke and go "hey which one would you like us to save here, wife or baby?".

In this unrealistic senario I'd hope my husband would say me anyway!! I'd save him over an unborn baby, if it was him or our existing children it'd be the children. The 2 things aren't the same.

BikeRunSki · 11/09/2021 21:34

[quote HTKB]@BikeRunSki come on. That didn’t happen. It would be totally illegal for a start.[/quote]
As I said, I was unconscious, I’m only going on what dh has told me. Maybe he is misinterpreting what happened in a stressful situation.

Snookie00 · 11/09/2021 21:35

There was a family in our village growing up who had this situation. The mother found out early in pregnancy that she had cancer and chose to continue with the pregnancy and delay starting chemo until after the birth. She gave birth to a premature baby and died several months later leaving 3 older children and a premature baby motherless. I think she was selfish and wrong to chose to inflict that on her children. If she had not had older children then perhaps it was more understandable but she has left those children with a terrible legacy as she prioritised her unborn child over herself.

RobinPenguins · 11/09/2021 21:35

@Justajot

I'd pick me over someone I didn't know. I know many pregnant women feel differently to me, but I'd say I didn't know my DC until they were born.
Same here. And DH would have been the same.

Now DD is 3, obviously it’s completely different, but prior to birth - mother takes priority.

Genderwitched · 11/09/2021 21:37

Of course the mother.

EspressoDoubleShot · 11/09/2021 21:38

@BikeRunSki

DH was asked this when DD was born (I was unconscious). He chose me, as we already had a child. Fortunately we both survived.
Sorry.no if baby was unborn and it’s an obstetric emergency you are the pt Unborn baby has no rights,none.it isn’t the patient No doctor will ask a partner to make that choice

When a baby is born and draws breath that changes the dynamic. Then it’s a patient. Baby comes under neonatal team, the mum remain under obstetric

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