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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for choosing mother rather than unborn baby?

375 replies

Bells3032 · 11/09/2021 19:35

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me. Friend was surprised and said she'd chose her unborn baby over her.

Said it makes more sense to choose the mother as she's less "replaceable" for lack of a better sense (not that a baby is replaceable but hopefully you know what I mean) and the only person who'd be more upset at losing the baby than me would be me.

Am I just a horribly in maternal person.

Which would you chose?

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 12/09/2021 19:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Youseethethingis · 12/09/2021 19:36

@phishy
Two posts above mine mentioned Henry VIII. I presented the counter argument.
You didn't read the thread why?

CecilyP · 12/09/2021 19:36

Henry IIIV chose the baby and lost the wife which I always think was a big mistake. I think he would have been happier with Jane and might have had more children by her. Her baby might even have survived (I know, not likely).

I don’t think that can be right as Jane Seymour died over a week after the baby was born so more likely of infection or post-partum haemorrhage.

NewlyGranny · 12/09/2021 19:38

I knew someone who was diagnosed with cancer while in the early stages of pregnancy and needed treatment that would harm a developing baby. She refused a termination and waited for the treatment. Baby died, harmed by the cancer. Mother's cancer so aggressive that she didn't live long afterwards. Older children left motherless.

Save the mother every time.

Pr1mr0se · 12/09/2021 19:39

My husband and I had a similar conversation when our first - I said he should save the baby, he refused. I have assumed my decision was one based on pregnancy hormones.

31flavours · 12/09/2021 19:41

Mother. But I say this as a man and I had this conversation with my wife.
From the mans perspective he has not yet developed a bond with the child. Also if you already have children (as we do), I would think about thr loss to the wider family. The loss of an unborn baby primarily impacts the mother. The loss of the mother impacts a whole heap of other people.

DeborahAnnabel · 12/09/2021 19:46

In my home country, a western nation, they’d have saved the baby over the mother up until fairly recently.

PartyPotato · 12/09/2021 19:49

I said the same thing to DH when I was in labour- if anything bad happens and it’s one or the other, choose me.
There is absolutely no way I would leave my husband to raise a baby alone whilst grieving for his dead wife. If we go through something terrible, we go through it together.

Ponoka7 · 12/09/2021 20:16

I like walking around old cemeteries. There's a lot of women who've died giving birth. I've often wondered if it was this scenario. Sadly most have their few days old, babies buried with them. Thankfully we are no longer our husband's property and we have rights.

Feelingoktoday · 12/09/2021 20:23

@allfurcoatnoknickers

I told DH to pick me if he had to choose. If that makes me cold-hearted, so be it. I'd die for DS now he's out in the world, but until he was actually on me, he was sort of an abstract concept.
I said the same.
takehomepay · 12/09/2021 20:24

@Youseethethingis sorry missed that!

TableFlowerss · 12/09/2021 20:29

@Abouttoblow

If it was my first baby I would probably say save the baby. If I already had a child / children, I would say save me as they need me I think.

Wouldn't that baby also need you?

I’m this hypothetical situations, that isn’t the choice. It’s either mother OR baby
Dibbydoos · 12/09/2021 20:32

A friend said the same to me years ago when she was pregnant, I was shocked but her and her hubby justified it by saying they could have more children... It's a Hobsons choice and one I hope they don't ever have to make...

mustlovegin · 12/09/2021 20:33

YANBU OP

Also, it would be very cruel to bring a baby into this world without a mother

Hardbackwriter · 12/09/2021 20:38

I honestly can't imagine why anyone would have that conversation. It's clearly never going to actually come up - what kind of medical emergency are you imagining where the medics turn to your DH and ask him what to do?! - and if it did it's hardly like he'd be likely to say 'actually, we discussed it, and...'. I just don't know why you'd waste time talking about it, it just feels like inviting misery into your life with no need for it and no benefit from it!

NiceGerbil · 12/09/2021 20:44

Sorry for the misread OP.

I read it as a man and so did loads of others not sure why!

It's very different thinking a man said it. To a woman saying it about herself.

So I don't think it's weird she said that. Although as noted here the woman is the patient so it's moot. Also easy to say when it's hypothetical.

nonono1 · 12/09/2021 20:51

Having one of those hypothetical conversations regarding what would your partner do if something happened and it was your life v unborn baby's life. I said 100% he should chose me.

My instinctive response to this question in the split second after I read your post was to save the baby over me.

Ashton22 · 12/09/2021 20:51

@Barneythedinosaur but your first born would still be left without a mum? So surely it’s the same situation…

Bizawit · 12/09/2021 20:52

@Bumblenums1234

I told dp when going into labour that if anything happened and he had to chose, that he was to save our son. I wouldn't change that choice but when younger, before going through years of infertility etc, I may have had a different view.

I don't think it makes you a bad person and do understand why you said that.

I don’t think your DP would get to decide this Confused
Catchthepigeons · 12/09/2021 20:52

Baby 100% no questions asked. I loved them from the moment I saw those two lines so I didn't need to meet them for them to be real or worth saving.

NiceGerbil · 12/09/2021 20:53

What of the people who love you?

nonono1 · 12/09/2021 20:56

Before I went for my EMCS the MW explained that the women’s life was always prioritised over the foetus. She said she knew it was upsetting to hear but that they had to tell us before I went in to theatre.

I don’t remember hearing this before my EMCS, but to be honest I was so out of it I probably just can’t recall.

TableFlowerss · 12/09/2021 21:00

@Catchthepigeons

Baby 100% no questions asked. I loved them from the moment I saw those two lines so I didn't need to meet them for them to be real or worth saving.
What about if you had another DC that needed you?

They would gain a sibling but lose a mother…

EspressoDoubleShot · 12/09/2021 21:14

@beautifullybonkers

17years ago I was in this situation and my dh chose me over our baby. It messed me up for a very long time although oddly I never felt angry at him for his decision but if you had asked me hypothetically before hand I would have told you I’d be furious with him and I would have chosen the baby. Even now, years later, I don’t know in reality what I would have chosen had I been in a position to make or even be involved in the decision making. It was such a burden for him to carry.
No your dh would not have been offered that choice or compelled to decide Perhaps in the moment of a vey fraught and scary time the discussion with the dr was misremembered or misunderstood The discussion would have been something like this Dr we need to undertake urgent immediate ”procedure” there is risk both for your wife and the unborn baby. I don’t want to alarm you but I must tell you with all procedures/treatment ther is a degree of risk. We will do out very best and this is a procedure/treatment we are familiar with. your dh worried,scared,put on spot. He most likely said do your very best for them both.

At no point would your dh have been asked to chose
The unborn baby is not the patient. It has no legal rights
Medical team will always prioritise the woman, she’s the pt

Clocktopus · 12/09/2021 21:19

I like walking around old cemeteries. There's a lot of women who've died giving birth. I've often wondered if it was this scenario. Sadly most have their few days old, babies buried with them. Thankfully we are no longer our husband's property and we have rights

A lot for them will have been women who, nowadays, would have had either a planned or an emergency section - all the things that can go wrong that we can now treat wouldn't have been treatable even in the not too distant past. Another fair proportion of them will have been post-natal complications, haemorrhage and infection being the biggest two.