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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent an emoji in response to me telling her my mum has cancer

129 replies

Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 15:20

Would you write off this *Friendship

Messaging with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, due to covid (now live in different countries) I’d say I’d consider to have once been one of my best friends.
She asked how things were going and said what she was up to. I responded lots to her recent news, asking questions etc, then told her about my mum recently having an op to remove cancer and that she was ok but it was obviously upsetting and a shock to find out. I also asked some advice about my Dd (she’s a professional in the area I’m concerned about with my Dd-school etc )
I had no reply for a couple of days and then just a silly emoji response thing to a story I posted on Fb
Would you be hurt by this? Or do I need to chill out?

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 11/09/2021 18:02

@EmeraldShamrock

No I didn’t message her for advice, I messaged to check she was ok as she had posted about something sad fo her, asked how she was doing etc Doesn't that tell you she is dealing with her own issues?
So is OP but she still managed to contact her friend to ask how she was.
Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:05

@Mantlemoose No I didn’t go into my things straightaway, she’d told me lots about things going on in her life, good, happy, chatty things. She then asked me about my family and my DD’s situation etc, that’s when I said in answer to her asking how they were.

It was four days ago, not two, just double checked

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 11/09/2021 18:05

Yes very poor. If she can’t manage to type out a short consolatory message via text how on Earth does she manage in real life! Normal everyday messages fair enough might take a while to respond, big news like that needs a response

lilcolibri · 11/09/2021 18:08

Good lord

Sometimes people forget to reply. It happens.

No need to agonise over it.

Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:10

@lilcolibri But isn’t forgetting about a big piece of sad news of a good friend, not great? Even if I was crazy busy, she’d be in my mind and I’d take that time to type a reply

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 18:10

Your thread title is deliberately misleading and dramatic 🙄

Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:12

@GreyhoundG1rl Dramatic? It’s pretty upsetting to me, but thanks for that.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 11/09/2021 18:14

@lilcolibri

Good lord

Sometimes people forget to reply. It happens.

No need to agonise over it.

When your having a conversation via text and it ends it's not forgetting.

It's being a crap friend.

My mums been battling cancer for 4.5 years. It's shown me who my real friends are. They are the ones who've managed to be able to communicate with me, talk normally, not make every conversation about it, ask how she is and respond appropriately when she's been through bad patches. (It's now terminal).

I've also managed to do the same for those friends when they've had rough times despite what I've been though.

Alcemeg · 11/09/2021 18:14

Not sure how old you both are, but has she had much life experience? When I was younger I had no idea what to say when people shared bad news like that. I was deeply embarrassed by it and just wanted to run a mile. One friend told me her father had died over the summer and I just said "Ugh!" and changed the subject. I was only 11, but still! Later, in my 20s, another friend mentioned her mother had died and I said "Oh dear, had she been poorly?"

Poorly FFS!!!!

This is the sort of thing that curls my toes at 3am when awake in the dark.

I like to think I'm better at this sort of thing now, but it certainly took a lot of exposure to different situations in my own life to learn how to respond.

Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:15

@itsgettingwierd So sorry to hear that Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:16

@Alcemeg Early 40’s both lots of life experiences, good and bad

OP posts:
malificent7 · 11/09/2021 18:16

I'd be upset too op....id expect a close friend to be supportive and say a few words. When mum died of cancer soneone actually crossed the road as they didn't know what to say.

myotherusernameistaken · 11/09/2021 18:17

But your thread title is dramatic.

That isn't what happened at all. Not even close.

The emoji was in response to something else.

Nothing to do with your message about your Mum.

Changechangychange · 11/09/2021 18:18

If she’s as good a friend as you say, either she never got your message, or her reply hasn’t come through. I wouldn’t write a friend off based on a probable tech failure.

If she was already a shit friend, make your decision based on that, not failure to respond to a WhatsApp message

EmeraldShamrock · 11/09/2021 18:19

OP she put up a sad status, you asked her how she was, she replied, you replied with your bad news and looking for professional advice.
Is that correct?
Maybe you didn't give her news enough space before jumping in with yours.

Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:20

@malificent7 I’m so sorry, that’s awful, I really don’t understand that attitude X

OP posts:
Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:21

@myotherusernameistaken I’m
Saying that is basically the response I’ve had back, a quick press of a gif/emoji

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 11/09/2021 18:21

What a complete TIT ..

block her OP 🌸

saraclara · 11/09/2021 18:21

A couple of my dearest friends found it difficult to know how to deal with it when my husband had cancer..I understood. Not everyone is good at this stuff, but I knew they cared, and they're still my friends.
There's stuff I'm not good at, but my friends still find it worth being my friends.

And what everyone else said about your OP title. It's plain wrong.

Chotuladoo · 11/09/2021 18:22

Hi op, you aren't alone...I think some people literally don't know what to say and so dont say anything.

I texted my friend about my husband's cancer surgery (my world falling apart etc) she just said "believe in yourself".

...Like those inspiring phrases on IG for when someone is having a had hair day?!?....

have to be honest I felt let down and just walked away from the friendship after that.

Up to you whether you reach out, give it time or walk away.

malificent7 · 11/09/2021 18:23

Only on mumsnet would posters give shitty responses to a poster whose mum is ill with cancer, is clearly upset and has a friend who has time enough to send an emoji but clearly has no time to write a short sentance of sympathy. But it's ok as this is "AIBU" which apparently justifies a bit of a pile on.
This is one reason why I have so few friends.....most people have no idea how to treat others... on here and in the case of the ops "friend."

Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:24

@EmeraldShamrock No that’s not right.

She put a post up about something that happened to her years ago, very sad. I sent a message not asking about it, there was nothing to ask really, but just seeing how life was and how she was getting on. Her reply was very chirpy, lots of things happening etc-good things. She asked about Dd, my family and so on. I replied with the things happening in my life, the thing we’d been talking about in relation to Dd and said about my mum.
I thought this was a normal friends exchange
🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Needtodothebigshop · 11/09/2021 18:24

I also asked lots of questions about her good news, sent congrats etc

OP posts:
malificent7 · 11/09/2021 18:26

I think the emoji response to something else highlights how odd it was not to reply to the actual bad news.

butterpuffed · 11/09/2021 18:28

Please don't keep defending yourself to those shitty posters on here being nasty to you, OP, you have absolutely no need. Flowers