To feel lonely at nearly 50 years old?

[mofro]

Hi
I’ve had a horrible feeling for a while now and it’s starting to get me down.

I’m have a very small number of friends - people who come and go to my house and me to theirs.
Lived next to my neighbour for 15 years and although we spoke outside and had kids the same ages, we hardly ever went to each other’s houses.

I KNOW a lot of people but am not close to many at all.

And the ones that I think I am close to - I am always the main instigator for getting together, or popping round. They don’t call me.

Worldwide, my job involves going to networking meetings and I se people making connections really quickly and I just can’t seem to do the same:

I’m a confident person and quite an extrovert so not sure why I can’t maintain long lasting relationships that are two way and not reliant on me always taking charge of contact?

I cried earlier thinking about how lonely I feel at times - despite having a darling DH and my kids

Anyone else feel like this?

I’m almost 50 and don’t know if I can be bothered to change things now or just go with the flow and carry on regardless..

Sorry you feel like this !

You are not alone !

I feel exactly the same I can't seem to ever make meaningful connections with people and always seem to be the one making the effort.

I always see other people and their friendships and think wow why not me, so don't worry you are not alone !

I guess some people need other people and other people are just lone wolves on life !

Try not to get to upset and tomorrow start a new hobby !

If you want more friends OP, you really have to put in some effort to make and maintain relationships with them.
You need to invite that neighbour in for a brew and if she mentions that she is worried about her elderly mother (or whatever) you follow that up by asking about her a few days later, or taking her a bunch of flowers.
So many people are shy or lack social skills that if you wait for them to come to you, you will be waiting forever.

Thanks @Strangevipers and @RAFHercules❤️
It’s mad! I’m not a little kid in school.

I think I’ve forgotten (or never knew?!) how to lane friends.

I see people I know meeting someone and within a few weeks they’re out for dinner, doing a day out with kids etc. I’m very well thought of by people
Who know me but I struggle to get close to new people and find myself withdrawing.

I’ve been putting the effort for ages with existing 3/5 friends and we’ve been there through some good snd some awful times. But again, I feel like it’s alwaysmewhonstattes the bell

I'm with you ! You are literally describing my life

I wonder if because you are chatty and a nice person that people you meet automatically think you must have loads of friends so they don't make a huge effort with you as they assume if they asked you to do something you will be busy all the time with other friends and don't need any more friends

I could have written this post. It’s depressing. I’m desperate for friends!

Maybe having fewer typos in my online posts would help 🤣🤣

@Strangevipers good point!

I’m sure I’m seen as a really social person by others but I know the reality is I tend to go out with one or two friends and even then only when i instigate it!

I have a friend who I’ve known since school, single mom and she’s out with different groups of people a couple of times a week. She’s even sharing pics on social media of her out with the hairdresser I recommended her to 🤣🤣

So I know a lot of people, but am not close to them.

I’m chatty, funny, pay for myself and treat others, driving, am adventurous and willing to try new things - just a bit short of people to do things with 😬

I would soooo be friends with me!! 🤣🤣🤣

Maybe I need to get some ‘please be my friend’ tshirts made?!

@BeachDrifting

I could have written this post. It’s depressing. I’m desperate for friends!

I’ll be your friend :)

I bet you’re as amazing as me!

It’s not us- it’s them….
(But I still want to be friends with ‘them’ 🤣🤣)

Yes, this is me. I just don't connect with people it seems.

I think I have some sort of barrier up that other people people see and I don't.

I went out with a good friend of mine and another school mum we didn't know that well. They both come from the same area of the country so had that in common. They got really drunk and sat holding hands across the table talking like they were old friends. It was bizarre. I actually felt like I was intruding. Now they're all over SM going to each others house etc. The other mum of ignored me and makes it clear with her body language that she's not interested. But, I'll be honest I found the whole thing very uncomfortable. I'm not a big drinker which may be part of it but there's no way in hell I would sit there holding hands across the table with someone I barely knew.

Also, there's a NDN I know from another NDN as during lockdown we went dog walking together alot. Mostly because we could only go to the same places during lockdown. The NDNs are friend and go out regularly. I tried to be friendly with the NDN I didn't know so well as I like her, same age , lots in common etc but she clearly has no interest.

This sort of stuff happens all the time. People around me making connections that just byoass me.

DH has had the same group of friends for 30 years which predate our 25 year relationship. I honestly don't know any of them that well. I go out with them, they are nice etc, but they remain DHs friends. Other partners etc have joined the group over the years and become part of it in a way I never am. It's weird. I must have a big invisible F Off sign 😆

I do find alot of people's interactions quute fake though and I struggle to read the messages. I have lost count of the number of times I thought someone really liked me and wanted to be friends , only to find out there was no substance to it as they're like that with everyone. I've, the 'we must meet for coffee' types who then have a stream of excuses when you try and arrange it.

I sounds like a right saddo. I have friends, but there is definitley something socially 'off' with me. I was a milatary child so went to loads of different schools so I put it down to that. I also forget that most people don't want to know how you really are or what you really think. They want a shiney smiley version. Not that I'm sat there being a misery, but people seem to want 'light' whereas I long for deep friendships where you can be honest and not be judged.

@Matilda82 it’s so very strange! Everyone thinks I have a great social circle and am well connected - I’m really not 😫

DH has even fewer friends than me but seems not to care.

I’ll never understand people who become besties in one evening 🙄

My friend has told me my expectations of others are too high… but I don’t want to make friends with just anyone for the sake of it! Has to be some compatibility!

Well that was therapeutic.

Just love perimenopause induced insomnia and anxiety. How to mane myself look totally mad on a forum.

@mofro. DH says my expectations are too high as well. I just can't be arsed with the fake stuff, but I also struggle to identify whose being fake or not and then shy away from anyone I think maybe sending off a signal of disinterest as I've got it wrong too many times. Overall I'm an introvert so it doesn't matter really. I think alot if it is me thinking I should have all these friends, when in reality they would get on my tits. I find alot of people bloody annoying.

@mofro

OMG I could have written this too.
Your note brought a tear to my eye as its me.

I always feel like I organise etc what are w doing wrong?

@Matilda82

I do find alot of people's interactions quute fake though and I struggle to read the messages. I have lost count of the number of times I thought someone really liked me and wanted to be friends , only to find out there was no substance to it as they're like that with everyone. I've, the 'we must meet for coffee' types who then have a stream of excuses when you try and arrange it.

I sounds like a right saddo. I have friends, but there is definitley something socially 'off' with me. I was a milatary child so went to loads of different schools so I put it down to that. I also forget that most people don't want to know how you really are or what you really think. They want a shiney smiley version. Not that I'm sat there being a misery, but people seem to want 'light' whereas I long for deep friendships where you can be honest and not be judged.

Yes!! @Matilda82 you’re spot on!

You sound lovely and very switched on, so makes sense you want to be friends with people you’ll get on with.

Those deep friendships are so important I think for us as women, especially as we get older and life throws challenges our way.

I have a friend who got divorced recently - totally unexpected and it almost broke her. She got through it as she has such an amazing and very wide circle of friends who’ve helped her in every single way you could think of from lending her Money, cooking food, support and advice.

I’ve no idea what I’d do if that happened to me or how many people would support me!

Thank you @Mofro

I have though if anything happened to DH I would be pretty much alone. I am certain his friends who I have known for 25 years would be gone. That would leave my dew close friends. GAH! Why am I such a weirdo

Excuse typos don't have lenses in

'Mummy networking' is a particular skill IMHO. Often women who are good at the their careers 'corporate mums' find it much harder to be part of of school mum crowd. Partly this is due to time poverty, when you work full-time or 3-4 days a week in a demanding job there is little time to attend all the coffee mornings or group outings with young children. But there is more to it, mummy networking suits certain people not others. I'd say it requires opposite skills to being a competent and confident member or leader of a work team.

Op, try out different hobbies, its not too late. Or socialise more though work, engage yourself in mentoring other women, do a course and also never mind that you and your neighbour didn't spend much time when the kd=ids were younger, you'd probably be sick of each other now. Go in there now, without young children to take into account and see what relationships you can develop.

*kids

I feel exactly like this too, I could have written it! I have tried many times to make friends while my kids were growing up, but nothing ever lasted, even though it was always me making the effort, driving to their houses, meeting up close to where they lived - they rarely if ever would come to me. I just feel inadequate and awkward now even around people I know, and am too scared to try to make any friends - it's like I have built a wall around myself!

Yes I do feel like this all the time OP. I am 45 and lucky to have DH and two daughters. However I only really have my sister who is my best friend and only friend. I just can’t make friends and that’s been the case since leaving uni 20 odd years ago. The only place I have got to meet people has been through work and that has never worked out, just never met any nice , friendly people who want to go for coffee etc. I have done my local meet-up in the past that was ok but again they are just social meet-ups and you may not see the same person twice etc so quite difficult to establish any friends. I think it’s extremely hard to make friends. Everyone is so busy and seem to have their own friends and don’t have time or room for any more. I have just come to try and accept it and do things for me. I won’t give up though and will ask if someone wants to go and do something if I like them as a friend but if they say no fair enough I will just move on and will try again. At the moment though I work from home so in a way a bit more isolated than ever. But yes OP I totally get where you are coming from.

@WhatNaYes I don't think I'd describe myself as a 'corporate mum' and I was still shite at the 'mummy network' so I guess that blows your theory.

Quite pleased given how sneery you're being actually. Particularly the comment 'I'd say it requires opposite skills to being a competent and confident member or leader of a work team' when comparing those who have 'mum' friends with those who have careers. What does that even mean? It just comes across as sneery towards those women who don't have 'corporate careers'. It also doesn't make any sense, what's the fact you're good at your office job got to do with whether you can make friends with someone you meet at your child's play group etc? Surely people have different 'hats' for different scenarios ?

Another one here with a similar experience OP. COVID obviously hasn’t helped, I feel as though some friendships that were clinging on have all now disappeared due to lockdowns, and there’s not much left after that. My work colleagues are nice but we’re not close friends, and my closest friend now lives in Australia, so goodness knows when we’ll meet again. I do get a bit teary about it sometimes.