To feel lonely at nearly 50 years old?

[mofro]

Hi
I’ve had a horrible feeling for a while now and it’s starting to get me down.

I’m have a very small number of friends - people who come and go to my house and me to theirs.
Lived next to my neighbour for 15 years and although we spoke outside and had kids the same ages, we hardly ever went to each other’s houses.

I KNOW a lot of people but am not close to many at all.

And the ones that I think I am close to - I am always the main instigator for getting together, or popping round. They don’t call me.

Worldwide, my job involves going to networking meetings and I se people making connections really quickly and I just can’t seem to do the same:

I’m a confident person and quite an extrovert so not sure why I can’t maintain long lasting relationships that are two way and not reliant on me always taking charge of contact?

I cried earlier thinking about how lonely I feel at times - despite having a darling DH and my kids

Anyone else feel like this?

I’m almost 50 and don’t know if I can be bothered to change things now or just go with the flow and carry on regardless..

Well one thing is for sure, there is enough of us our there feeling like this so it's a common issue. My sister is very good at making friends , one thing I notice is that she is better at 'surface' friendships. They appear close, all having lots of fun , but often there's not much depth. She rarely slags people off , but being her sister she will sometimes tell me what she really thinks about someone but to their face they would have no idea. I think that ability to contain your real feelings and create an illusion of a relationship is a big part of appearing to have lots of friends.

I am afraid this is the way many people feel. Not sure if it is only in England but never hear many friends abroad feeling like this. However, most people rely on their families in other cultures. I see people in other countries getting together as a family often. They count on the family for company and important things.

At 50 you know things are unlike to get better but at least you know who you would like to have as company. Which make it tougher to find nice friends at the same time. Make sure you do plenty of things that you love. In this type of places you will meet people with similar interests.

I am afraid that future generations would be even lonelier working from home and social media. Very sad 😞

I'm in a similar situation. 50 and a single parent. In a different town to immediate family and friends. I just have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Twice over the summer friends cancelled plans. I've realised that's happened before but I've never done that. Makes me realise I'm actually more alone than I thought.

I used to feel like this, I don't anymore. I haven't actively changed anything but I have got really into a hobby and made friends through that. I also used lockdown to go for long dog walks with some local acquaintances that have now turned into friends. I did have to make the first move but now, they are contacting me regularly asking us over for bbqs etc.
I think I just changed my attitude a bit and stooped caring so much and threw myself into things I enjoy and it's just fallen into place. I also did some soul searching and realised, like some pp, that I'm introverted (despite appearing confident and outgoing) and less is more with social connections. I stopped trying to host/ organise stuff and let other people do the leg work. In many ways I've become more selfish in friendships but it seems to be working, I think I was trying so hard to people please beforehand and maybe it came accross as incincere.

@LactoseTheIntolerant I do love my own company so I’m happy to do things on my own rather than not at all - although I’ve just realised I USED to do things a lot more and have definitely stopped!

I never got into the school mum crowd ay my kids school- in all honesty I might sound like a snob but very few people there that I wanted to spend time with. It was an inner city school, and some parents were a bit rough so I smiled a lot but didn’t engage too much.

I don’t really have any hobbies so this thread has really made me ask myself how I even expect to meet new people? What kind of friends do I want to make and spend time with?
Maybe I’m not willing to put the effort in….

@flumposie

I'm in a similar situation. 50 and a single parent. In a different town to immediate family and friends. I just have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Twice over the summer friends cancelled plans. I've realised that's happened before but I've never done that. Makes me realise I'm actually more alone than I thought.

@flumposie

Sorry to hear that. Luckily my family are close by and we do see each other regularly enough and do kids birthdays and big occasions together, so that must be tough for you.

This summer with covid there’s deffo more things cancelled and never quite get rearranged!

Maybe we need to take the lead more and organise the next one?

@Islamorada very true!

Family time is always nice - when you all get along and painful when you don’t 🙃

Definitely will be harder for future generations to build deeper relationships. They do seem more caught up in the quantity of friends than quality and going out in big groups etc.

@Bearsbearsbears40

Another one here with a similar experience OP. COVID obviously hasn’t helped, I feel as though some friendships that were clinging on have all now disappeared due to lockdowns, and there’s not much left after that. My work colleagues are nice but we’re not close friends, and my closest friend now lives in Australia, so goodness knows when we’ll meet again. I do get a bit teary about it sometimes.

I’ve seen old work colleagues, who have left the company, that still get together with current team members and go out but never invited me- even though I thought I got on well with them 🙄

Maybe we all just have very different expectations?

I get so lonely at times, despite having a lovely DH and two children. And I'm someone you would think of as having a lot of friends and a good social life. Likewise, I have to do a lot of the initiating contact though. I've stopped doing it recently though and feel better for it. I still get lonely but my self esteem feels better than when I'm chasing around after people. I volunteer and concentrate on my family and exercise.

Op, I don't think you're unusual at all. I'm in my fifties, have three friends who come to the house, plus ds. At least you have managed a husband. I haven't even managed that.
I too work in marketing, go to conferences, network etc but finding people I click with is rare.
Strong women have always been a bit overlooked until someone needs something but that doesn't lessen your value at all.

Looking back to when I was fifty; nearly thirty years ago now. I was perforce much of a loner through no living family and a serious disability that made socialising hard.
I wince remembering soul destroying isolation and dreading weekends. Yearning for company. Not fitting anywhere.

Now? Happy alone. I have a few folk I can reach out to eg by email and phone. .One I have known for literally over fifty years. We taught at the same school when I was new to that work.

And gentle occupations I find fulfilling and that help others, eg my prolific knitting that sells. Writing my weblog etc. My cats. Walking the lanes here for flowers and berries.

All sounds …. boring,,, but it is not so for me and I am happier now than at any other time of my life.

Simply I learned to like myself and enjoy my own company.

@Jessiekate33

I get so lonely at times, despite having a lovely DH and two children. And I'm someone you would think of as having a lot of friends and a good social life. Likewise, I have to do a lot of the initiating contact though. I've stopped doing it recently though and feel better for it. I still get lonely but my self esteem feels better than when I'm chasing around after people. I volunteer and concentrate on my family and exercise.

Perfect .

I feel exactly the same OP. Its not just you. I'm very sad about it.

I am sorry to hear lots of other people feel the same as me. I hope we all manage to do something about or come to terms with our situations. I think I am going to try to join the local meditation class and maybe do some more cycling this autumn, see if I can make some new friends. and for everyone!

Tbh I think making friends is like a lot of things in life, mainly down to luck.
Some people have a big family they get on with who all live nearby, others have a smaller family or don’t get on.
Other people have jobs where they meet lots of similar people, others work for smaller companies or with people of very different ages.
My tactics now are to chat to everyone and if there’s something I want to do ask someone to go. Yes it’s annoying having to be the one who always initiates stuff but at least I get to do things I want to do.
Would you be happy to say where you live op? Perhaps some of us could meet for a coffee?

Research shows its usual to have 3-5 close friends and then a few 'aquaintances' ..sound like you are normal. I wonder if the 'lonely' feeling is something else..

Joining to say once again I'm in the same boat...it's depressing and exhausting being the one trying to initiate everything!

I am much in the same boat. I would be happy with acquaintances to go out with but impossible to find them either.

I am dreading my teens leaving home!

All my friends that have extended family are in a less lonely place than me and another friend whose extended family are crap.

If something happened to DH I don't think anyone would be there to help. The couple that would live too far away even if they did.

Hi op have felt that way myself. My friend was 50 seemed to have tons of friends. I dont know find they wont commit. I suggested good few coffee dates/left it to them then.. my friend hubby retired so I dont hear from her. I feel only so much u can do. !! I tried walking it fizzled after covid 3 us used to meet. Op its not easy. Im 48

@SololSland thank you for your positive advise. That is definitely how I am trying to be, focusing on me and my family and exercise and accepting things as they are and having peace

Another one here feeling exactly the same! I am an introvert but I do chat to colleagues/have a laugh. I wonder if it’s because I don’t really get excited or engage in “the gossip”, as mostly I think it’s not actually that interesting and it’s all hyped up to try to be. I guess I don’t react to it how people want. 🤷‍♀️

I have always got on better with men as I find them more straight forward but it doesn’t really work when you’re married.

I do have a couple of friends but on the whole I feel women are catty/competitive and I can’t be bothered with all the drama.

I have been out with a neighbour who has kids similar age but she blows hot and cold. At one point she cancelled almost every time we arranged to meet (with kids) to the point I didn’t tell my DD until the last minute. I was at the stage of having it out with her when she called me to do something (that did happen) but I’ve cooled things a bit as I just get a bit crushed. I think to myself “why would she do this?” either you like me or you don’t - if you don’t then stop arranging things with me, simples!

I do wish I could have a few good friends though. I’m almost 50 too.

@WhatNaYes
I think part of the problem is that if people know you have what is perceived as a 'posh' or 'high flying' job they assume you'll be stuck up or too clever to want to be friends and not include you, particularly in a small community where everyone knows what everyone else does for work.
Getting to know people who then tell you "you're nothing like I thought you'd be, you're really down to earth" is actually a bit soul destroying.

I think it's because people just can't be arsed with a new friend, rather than it being anything to do with you.

I haven't read the thread so I expect this has been suggested but if and when I'm in that position I would take up a couple of weekly hobbies. I have half my eye on a singing group after I saw them all perform in town recently. And a book club.
A sure fire way of making friends are those who have the same hobbies and already make the effort to see people they might not know.

*I have always got on better with men as I find them more straight forward but it doesn’t really work when you’re married.

I do have a couple of friends but on the whole I feel women are catty/competitive and I can’t be bothered with all the drama.*

This is likely to be your issue. Internalised misogyny?

@PussInBin20 ⬆️