To feel lonely at nearly 50 years old?

[mofro]

Hi
I’ve had a horrible feeling for a while now and it’s starting to get me down.

I’m have a very small number of friends - people who come and go to my house and me to theirs.
Lived next to my neighbour for 15 years and although we spoke outside and had kids the same ages, we hardly ever went to each other’s houses.

I KNOW a lot of people but am not close to many at all.

And the ones that I think I am close to - I am always the main instigator for getting together, or popping round. They don’t call me.

Worldwide, my job involves going to networking meetings and I se people making connections really quickly and I just can’t seem to do the same:

I’m a confident person and quite an extrovert so not sure why I can’t maintain long lasting relationships that are two way and not reliant on me always taking charge of contact?

I cried earlier thinking about how lonely I feel at times - despite having a darling DH and my kids

Anyone else feel like this?

I’m almost 50 and don’t know if I can be bothered to change things now or just go with the flow and carry on regardless..

Can l just say l have been widowed eight years now and all my friends are single. I get on really well with some of the married women at work but they never suggest meeting up outside of work, or seem that keen if l try to organise something. They definitely don't make the same amount of effort my single circle of friends do.

Thanks all so much for sharing, so reassuring to know it’s not just me 🤣

I’m lucky that I love my own company so have decided to do more stuff alone and just get out.

Funnily enough I’ve posted in an old friends group where a few of us had been chatting in this evening about a theatre show coming up that we watched at school many years go. Asked if anyone wanted to go - no replies yet 🤣🤣

Fuck ‘em - I’ll book a single ticket and go myself 🙃

@Mintjulia

Op, I don't think you're unusual at all. I'm in my fifties, have three friends who come to the house, plus ds. At least you have managed a husband. I haven't even managed that. I too work in marketing, go to conferences, network etc but finding people I click with is rare. Strong women have always been a bit overlooked until someone needs something but that doesn't lessen your value at all.

Clicking with people and building a deeper relationship is soooooo hard! I can do all the superficial stuff and ‘let’s meet for coffee’ but it very rarely happens!

I think I might be intimidating to some
People as I’m confident snd can be loud - but am wondering if I’m more of an introvert

@Bearsbearsbears40

I am sorry to hear lots of other people feel the same as me. I hope we all manage to do something about or come to terms with our situations. I think I am going to try to join the local meditation class and maybe do some more cycling this autumn, see if I can make some new friends. and for everyone!

Good on you @Bearsbearsbears40! Great positive attitude and real steps that’ll help you meet more people. I’ve been meaning to volunteer for years st a homeless place - I’m going to contact them snd start! Thanks for the push xx

@Doubledenimrock

Research shows its usual to have 3-5 close friends and then a few 'aquaintances' ..sound like you are normal. I wonder if the 'lonely' feeling is something else..

Good to know I’m normal then! I didn’t realise i Felt this way until very recently and it’s made me rethink a lot of stuff.

Lots of imposter syndrome stuff going on in my head about why I haven’t got more friends - but I also realised I hide myself away and don’t really ask anyone new to do things - I ask the same couple of people!

Gotta do things differently myself to get different results

A note of caution, don't get too involved with neighbours. All great until they become demanding/over familiar /fall out ,as happened in my case. I got badly burned. Nowadays I find my neighbours too nosey, so Im pleasant but' vague' around them, plus some are just gossips. I actually had a neighbour ask me what I was discussing with someone. They were ignored. I cannot stand nosiness.Good fences make good neighbours.

I was listening to a podcast where they said it takes 200 hours to get from acquaintance to friend. Even with a 2 hours weekly hobby meeting the same people it still takes a couple of years. That may of course be just BS as some friendships are so much easier than others.

I'm in a similar position.

Interesting what someone mentioned about people not wanting to know how you truly feel or what you really think. Can anyone explain to me what is the point of meeting someone then? Is conversation supposed to be nothing more than small talk and banter? Maybe that's my problem, I find a lot of those types of conversations to be simultaneously draining and uninteresting with most people and so tend not to want to be friends with them if they've nothing interesting to talk about. Perhaps it's a compatibility issue.

Like a poster upthread I'm planning to throw myself into my solitary hobbies. I expect I'll become one of those people who hardly ever speaks to anyone else. I've had enough of constantly making the effort and getting nowhere and I'm tired of flakey people cancelling too. For some reason I feel a weight on me when I'm awaiting a reply trying to organise something. I'm fine if people don't want to meet, or don't want to just yet. I wish they'd say, that's all, then I can stop thinking about it, invite someone else or make other plans. I feel as though I can't live my life fully because I'm always waiting on somebody to respond. It's draining. I don't want to do it any more.

Similar age here OP and I have no close friends. I have my DP and DC but that's it.

I have a loose group of school mum friends but we're not close and meet up once or twice a year.

I did have a group of schoolfriends I used to see semi regularly but I've nothing in common with them and haven't had for a very long time I've let contact slide since Covid and I don't miss them at all,

I have a couple of friends I think could be closer friends if I put dome effort in but they live several hours away so are never going to be people I can see regularly.

My best friend from my 20s died a few years ago (we'd lost touch some years before). I still miss her terribly.

I think sometimes should I have more friends? My parents had almost none (though my mum was very close to her siblings). But I don't find that I have much in common with most people, I'm too intelligent for a lot of the people I meet socially (that's not meant to be arrogant, very few people in this area went to uni, I am regarded with my Oxbridge degree and professional job as a bit of a curiosity) but then most people I know via work are pompous insufferable twats.

I've always been a square peg in a round hole, thankfully I found my DP who is one too (he has no friends either). Now we are friendless together.

This is me! I've no friends, not one, and I'm 50 next week.

Not sure what happened or when it happened but now it's just me, DH and the kids.

It’s so interesting that so many of us are a similar age.

51 here. 2 fantastic teenagers, amazing career, nice house. But left abusive marriage 2 years ago and since then have really felt my loneliness.

You’d never guess it from the outside. Appear confident, sorted etc.

I find too that I don’t want just any friend - too many relationships have been unhealthy. I want nice, kind, non-needy friends who genuinely care about me as I do for them. It’s a lot to ask!

Grenlei same here (academic, professional job).

Sometimes wonder if moving somewhere that I fit in a bit more would help, but need to wait until kids leave home (5 years - that makes me to 56,older if I wait for them to finish uni).

Glad you have partner though, that must help a lot.

I read a book on friendships and it said that the chances are that your friends are the people you sat next to at work or at uni or similar. This is proven by friends often having a surname that starts with the same or next letter in the alphabet, it's how they were positioned in the classroom.
And you make friends because of the time you spend together, you really get to know and understand each other. Unfortunately when school etc is behind you making friends is harder.
If you could find an interest so that you meet up with the same people every week it should help.
But for me I realised late on that I have some social anxiety and also a bad memory. Plus I never liked talking about myself (probably shame from having a drinking parent). So with others I would give much more attention to myself, how I came over, was I empathetic, or funny. So next time I saw them it would be like starting again rather than remembering their details and asking about them.
I have a friend who 1 Talks to everyone and 2 Remembers everything that was said. So the next time she meets up she immediately asks what happened to your elderly DM/ your sore shoulder/ the car repairs. None of which ever sticks in my brain unfortunately.
When I try to 'talk to everyone' it somehow comes over as forced.

@Walkingwounded

It’s so interesting that so many of us are a similar age.

51 here. 2 fantastic teenagers, amazing career, nice house. But left abusive marriage 2 years ago and since then have really felt my loneliness.

You’d never guess it from the outside. Appear confident, sorted etc.

I find too that I don’t want just any friend - too many relationships have been unhealthy. I want nice, kind, non-needy friends who genuinely care about me as I do for them. It’s a lot to ask!

I don’t think it is too much to ask! We obviously exist as there seems to be lots of us Just on this thread 😊

I’m exactly the same -but I guess it takes time to get to the genuine, non-needy state so might need to invest that first?

One of my best friends made friends with a guy she met at an event and they became full on. Eat friends in a matter of months! He was at her place all the time, they went out to events and did more together in a year than we’ve done in the last 20!!
They just clicked apparently-as mates!

I want to click with others but not if it requires that much time and effort 🤣🤣

@Stircraazy that makes so much sense re surnames etc!

I don't know if it is just luck. I think somewhere, I assume people are being polite, rather than really want to be with me, and won't be interested in hearing about my stuff, so I forestall it by not saying much. Some of it is circumstance - I have a couple of good friends from school, but geography means we can't meet often. Same with uni friends. But I think quite a bit of it is me - and then, because I fill my time doing my own stuff, it can be challenging to coordinate with others when a night out is being arranged.

I think I am probably self-sabotaging possible new friendships somewhere along the line, but I'm not quite sure where/how.

Great thread. I did catch up with friend in June was lovely. Have my dog so get out that way. I agree re neighbours a healthy distance! I suggested coffee but sure people seem busy or wont commit. So you just do things on your own.

@Walkingwounded survivor of an abusive relationship here too, although it's been over a decade since it ended. I reached out to my schoolfriends about it at the time, and they basically dismissed it as not that bad. I could never really forgive them for that and it tainted our friendship. Even when I did leave him they kept in touch with him and kept saying what a shame it was for the kids!

All the closest friends I've made in the last 20 years have been through work, and they've all moved several hours away in different directions for work/ family reasons.

I'm going to move myself in 2-3 years to where my DP lives. I'm hoping I might make some friends there (I'll also be only an hour rather than 4 away from one of my old work friends so might get to see her more hopefully).

It is interesting how many of us are in the same boat though.

[quote Midnightstar76]@SololSland thank you for your positive advise. That is definitely how I am trying to be, focusing on me and my family and exercise and accepting things as they are and having peace[/quote]
Thank YOU and all for this thread as It has made me see how far I have come.
We do not have to fit in with any theories etc. Or follow research. We are individuals.
And there is no shame etc in being a happy loner etc.

If we can be happy and content and welloccupied in our own skins we will be more … attractive.... . to others then if we are seeking

I wince when I look back at some of my attempts to fit in.. lol... When I stopped and relaxed? And got on with my own life.. We can try too hard...

Oh and about volunteering. Keeping a watchful eye on various things as my far away family work with homeless and Food Banks

The winter ahead looks hard. If you have time and energy maybe help at a Food Bank? They are going to be very busy . And there are so many lovely folk involved in that work. Would LOVE to do it.

@mofro

Thanks all so much for sharing, so reassuring to know it’s not just me 🤣

I’m lucky that I love my own company so have decided to do more stuff alone and just get out.

Funnily enough I’ve posted in an old friends group where a few of us had been chatting in this evening about a theatre show coming up that we watched at school many years go. Asked if anyone wanted to go - no replies yet 🤣🤣

Fuck ‘em - I’ll book a single ticket and go myself 🙃

ATTAGIRL lol...

I am nearly 50 and feel v lonely. That's because I am an expatriate and have moved around a lot. But returning to my home country would not make it any easier as all my uni friends have moved on. I will have an empty nest next year and am dreading it a bit. Doesnt help that I WFH in a solitary profession. DH is like so many men in that he doesn't need friends. But I find increasingly that I do.

I used to feel like this. Always trying to be part of a social group and somehow failing, and then feeling horribly injured at a perceived rejection. Always gamely making the effort to organise things, which would work about 50% of the time, but it would be exhausting. Never quite fitting in in the “mummy crowd “.

What changed: I was diagnosed with autism, and also had CBT, which helped me manage my emotions. I realised that some people are genuinely not for me, and that’s fine. The uber- neurotypical, cliquey, superficial types generally aren’t going to gel with me, and that’s alright- there are always the weirdos bobbing round the edges that I’ll get on better with! Being open about my autism has helped some people feel comfortable with my oddities, and it also means that I’ve become more confident and comfortable in my own skin, which makes me easier to be around.

Also, becoming involved in eco activism and community rewilding stuff has provided me with the opportunity to do stuff in common with like minded people, and friendships have grown from that. “Mummy” friendships have proved problematic, probably because I don’t like hanging out with other peoples’ kids ( can hardly bear my own sometimes!)

@crackofdoom what a relief and joy when you find your own path and proudly walk it.

That’s definitely something to aspire too x

@MareofBeasttown

I am nearly 50 and feel v lonely. That's because I am an expatriate and have moved around a lot. But returning to my home country would not make it any easier as all my uni friends have moved on. I will have an empty nest next year and am dreading it a bit. Doesnt help that I WFH in a solitary profession. DH is like so many men in that he doesn't need friends. But I find increasingly that I do.

@MareofBeasttown anything you can start to do now to prep for empty nest next year? Look on eventbrite, meet up and local events or stuff you can get involved in now to build up activity?

My DH doesn’t have many friends either and we don’t have any couple friends at all!

Grenlei it is so isolating isn't it? I understand very well (same experience here).

Hope you are doing better now. Seems to take ages to get over emotional abuse.