To feel lonely at nearly 50 years old?

[mofro]

Hi
I’ve had a horrible feeling for a while now and it’s starting to get me down.

I’m have a very small number of friends - people who come and go to my house and me to theirs.
Lived next to my neighbour for 15 years and although we spoke outside and had kids the same ages, we hardly ever went to each other’s houses.

I KNOW a lot of people but am not close to many at all.

And the ones that I think I am close to - I am always the main instigator for getting together, or popping round. They don’t call me.

Worldwide, my job involves going to networking meetings and I se people making connections really quickly and I just can’t seem to do the same:

I’m a confident person and quite an extrovert so not sure why I can’t maintain long lasting relationships that are two way and not reliant on me always taking charge of contact?

I cried earlier thinking about how lonely I feel at times - despite having a darling DH and my kids

Anyone else feel like this?

I’m almost 50 and don’t know if I can be bothered to change things now or just go with the flow and carry on regardless..

Hope you are doing ok OP

I find that joining clubs helped me with loneliness when I lived on my own. I also struggle to make friends however I enjoy the buzz of being around other people. I joined a speakers club and a climbing club - both of these things involved activities so I didn’t have to sit and chat with people and be their friend, however it meant I got to be around people, talk about the activity we were doing and it just generally got me out the house. If I were you I’d find a club for the evenings - a speakers club would be great! But you could join anything .. history club, walking club, bird watching club, cycling club...

was listening to a podcast where they said it takes 200 hours to get from acquaintance to friend. Even with a 2 hours weekly hobby meeting the same people it still takes a couple of years. That may of course be just BS as some friendships are so much easier than others

This is fascinating and "rings true" to me. I have 3/4 close friends.

1. Girl was in my primary school class and I took the bus to 6th form with her/ hung out at breaks. (2 hours a day for 2 years)
2. Knew her at sixth form, we were flat mates for a year or so in our 20's.
3. NDN when we both had 1 years olds hours and hours in each other's houses, the park, baby groups.

There is a football mum that I have chatted to most weeks for the last 3 years (with Covid breaks obviously) I am thinking of meeting up with her outside of football.

I don’t have anyone who comes to my house, nor do I go to anyone’s. Except my DM.
So you’re doing better than me !

Loneliness is not specific to any particular age. I think it’s a lot to do with how society is these days. Everyone is very busy and stressed. Families don’t live near one another and often don’t get on anyway. Friends change as circumstances change and people move. I have moved constantly all my life. I don’t get on with my birth family which is very toxic and unsupportive.

Adult children are living at the other end of the country. OH has only a few friends and one has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I have three close friends. One is in Australia, one is at the other end of the country and another one has become a bit deranged during the last year and a half and I don’t feel we have anything in common anymore. I feel increasingly lonely these days. I don’t have any motivation to join things and put myself out there anymore, especially now. I need to overhaul my life.
It would nice if somehow people on this thread could befriend each other!

[quote mofro]@Matilda82 it’s so very strange! Everyone thinks I have a great social circle and am well connected - I’m really not 😫

DH has even fewer friends than me but seems not to care.

I’ll never understand people who become besties in one evening 🙄

My friend has told me my expectations of others are too high… but I don’t want to make friends with just anyone for the sake of it! Has to be some compatibility![/quote]
I am in a similar position. Used to work in a very sociable team and there was always something being organised outwith work. I also had a few close friends and we went out regularly - cinema, dinners, spa days, drinks, gigs and even holidays. When I moved jobs the team was very different. A Christmas night out was the only social thing. I ended friendships with two close friends a few years ago. For separate reasons and I feel I’ve never quite recovered. Plus the pandemic and WFH I think have impacted. Like you I think people assume I’m super busy all weekend and I’m so not. I feel I need to do the organising any meet ups with the few friends I have. If I didn’t they just wouldn’t happen. I now want to do this less and less but worry I’m becoming such a home bird. Almost anti social. I need a kick up the bum and I do need to make more effort. Work is knackering and I’m peri menopausal so I’m sure these are factors but I do miss the days I had busy weekends catching up with friends and planning things. Always something on the go to look forward to. I have less friends now than ever in my life. It does feel a bit sad tbh x

Feel disheartened by it all. Met my neighbour at shop we worked in same job for bit. Says she has her own routine in the morns. I walk dog early then home early. Met mam through kids but felt she only rang for lifts for daughter. So I do things on my own. Its not as easy as people think. Few other friends we do odd coffee etc

This isn't a nice feeling OP.
I think sometimes with friends though they always is a person who is the one to initiate things and pick up the phone a bit more I guess it's how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

At the same time sometimes you can stand back and let the others initiate first.

This is me op but it is more to do with the poor relationship I have with my husband. I have dc but they are relatively young. I am pincered between young dc and trying to go out and develop a social life. I do have friends but weeks can pass before I meet up with them due to distance/busy lives or my lack of motivation (peri-menopause definitely not helping plus I am a bit avoidant due to past trauma). I try to keep busy to block it all out. I think I could become low if I really dwelt on the lack of companionship I feel I have in life.