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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still not want this baby..

84 replies

sunflowersinwindow · 10/09/2021 19:38

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. This baby (my 2nd) was planned, we tried for about 6 months. As soon as I got pregnant I felt sick all the time and it just changed me instantly. I contemplated abortion until quite late on.
Mine and DP's relationship has really suffered as it's just changed me so much, he sleeps on the sofa most nights. I feel guilty I've not been present for almost a year of DS's life and didn't make the most of the time we had at home before he started school this week.. I spent the past 9 months just laying on the sofa or crying.
I can't get SMP as I didn't earn enough and my hours have been cut due to COVID, meaning when I go back to work all that is available is 3 hours per week. I just want a job but who would consider a 37 week pregnant lump for a job.
My life hasn't changed since lockdown thanks to this pregnancy. I barely speak I just cry most days. I've got no money of my own, I see no one, do nothing, and have nothing to talk about and nothing going on in my life.
I'm dreading labour to the point I'm having panic attacks. If I could click my fingers and this baby disappear I would. I just don't know how I can feel attached and I'm dreading having to cope with 2. I wish I could escape my body and run away. DP says it's disgusting I'm wishing the baby gone, I don't deserve kids etc.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 10/09/2021 19:40

Oh I'm really sorry

Do you have any friends or family to talk to? Why don't you have any money? Does your dp not give you anyway?

Comedycook · 10/09/2021 19:41

*any not anyway

TakeYourFinalPosition · 10/09/2021 19:41

I’m not sure your “D” P is helping here…

I’d seek some urgent mental health assistance first off, your hospital should have an antenatal or perinatal mental health specialist team.

The practicalities will feel easier when that’s done.

User112 · 10/09/2021 19:41

Big hugs to you. Have you tried talking to your GP? Therapy could help. You can self refer for CBT. They listen to you, help you clear your mind and give you some strategies to cope.
Hope you feel better soon x

Crunchymum · 10/09/2021 19:42

You need an urgent referral to your perinatal MH team.

It sounds horrendous but it's not your fault. There is help out there. Please reach out ASAP.

Sirzy · 10/09/2021 19:44

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I’m not sure your “D” P is helping here…

I’d seek some urgent mental health assistance first off, your hospital should have an antenatal or perinatal mental health specialist team.

The practicalities will feel easier when that’s done.

This

You need help and support and ultimately you need to do what is right do you and your children

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 19:45

Your partner is an absolute cunt.
You need help, love and support. Not judgement.

SummerHouse · 10/09/2021 19:45

You need medical support. This is utter hell and I am sorry you are going through it. See your GP or midwife and tell them all of it. They can help you. You poor woman, facing this alone all this time. Your partner doesn't understand so you have gone it alone. You are stronger than you think.

Sussexmidwife · 10/09/2021 19:46

Things sound really hard for you OP. I am sorry you are feeling so miserable.
Have you told a midwife how you are feeling? If you were my client I would really want to know, so that I could see what could be done to support you. It sounds like you are suffering from prenatal depression. Asking for help is hard, but please don’t feel that anyone would judge you badly. Asking for help is a sign of insight and takes strength and courage.

RestingPandaFace · 10/09/2021 19:46

That sounds like a really tough situation. HG is really awful and debilitating.

Your partner sounds awful, and he needs to shape up and be supportive rather than acting like an arse.

It sounds like your mood is understandably very low, do you think perhaps you could be suffering with perinatal depression? There should be a perinatal mental health team that your midwife or GP can refer you to.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 10/09/2021 19:47

You sound as though you have pre-natal depression, I’m not sure if this is actually a thing but you need to speak to your midwife ASAP and try and get a gp appointment.
You cannot change the past 37 weeks but you do need to get into a different frame of mind for the future, for your own sake and that of your dc’s.

It will be ok. It will take time but you can do it.

ShoesEverywhere · 10/09/2021 19:49

Have you applied for maternity allowance?

I hope you feel better soon.

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 19:50

You’re depressed. Doesn’t matter what kind of depressed, they all amount to the same thing. Please ask your GP or midwife for some help. It really doesn’t have to be like this. I hope you get the support you need. 💐

Stompythedinosaur · 10/09/2021 19:51

No judgement here at all. I do think you might need some mental health support though. Please try to tell your midwife how you are feeling. You can write it down and give her a note if that is easier than saying it.

BathMatToe · 10/09/2021 19:54

You're having a hard time. Sickness for months can ruin your mental health. You need support not judgement from a partner. They'll never grasp what it's like to carry a baby and feel ill for months.

If birth is worrying you can you speak with the midwife? I had an elective c section with my second which was better after a terrible first birth.
Second babies are usually easier.

I cried throughout my third pregnancy and really regretted it most days, threw up daily, spent 9mths upset.
Baby now here and has slotted in so well which o would never have believed. You might find this once you've given birth.

Can you talk about it to your gp or partner? Them just being horrified by your feelings isnt very useful. You've done nothing wrong talking about how you feel. It's bloody draining. Don't let them get into your brain about not deserving kids etc, they have no clue the stress it puts on a woman being pregnant and unwell. You're almost there.

Newhorizon21 · 10/09/2021 20:06

I feel for you. Chronic nausea would wear anyone down, & with the lack of support from your other half, & guilt about (understandably in the circumstances) not being present for your little one, I'm not surprised it's affected you negatively. You must be exhausted with it all. Have your been prescribed anti-nausea medication by your GP, or the antenatal/gynae team? Please contact your GP or antenatal clinic again about this. There are a range anti-nausea medications that can help that are also safe for your baby.

I agree with other posters about accessing mental health support. Your midwife or GP can help here. Things can hopefully be improved for you before you give birth & there's time to set up support for you to have a good labour, & for after you've given birth

CheeseCrackersAndChutney · 10/09/2021 20:07

that’s rubbish Op. tell your midwife

Original poster

sunflowersinwindow · 10/09/2021 20:10

Thank you everyone. Your messages mean a lot to me.
I've got DP, my mum, my dad and 2 friends - that's where my friends and family starts and ends. I had a cousin who was like a sister but she died suddenly in June.
I try talking to mum and all she says is "it shouldn't have happened" "I don't understand why you planned it in the first place", dad asks how I am all the time but he gets the same answer and doesn't know what to say. He's 70 this month, his brother is terminally ill and his dog who is his world is really old and unwell so I don't like to feel like I'm causing him extra stress. One of my friends is also pregnant and moving house so she's busy and my other friend checks in on me every day by WhatsApp but can only say so much. DP basically says he's never been so unhappy I'm ungrateful cos I wanted a baby and then didn't want it, he's sick of me not doing anything etc. Im sick of not doing anything too.. I want my life back!!
Im under the perinatal mental health team after being admitted to hospital when I hadn't eaten or slept in days around 20 weeks.
They haven't done much - offered me tablets which I decided I didn't want to take in pregnancy (I know that's not helping myself) and I saw a peer support worker but she doesn't always reply. My mental health nurse is now on maternity leave herself.
I'm seeing people having these happy pregnancies with baby showers and works leaving dos, everyone excited. I've got nothing. This baby is just the most negative thing to have ever happened to me and I'm 3 weeks time I'm going to have to go through a horrific experience to bring it into the world. DP gives me no money as he says he pays all household bills. I have applied for maternity allowance but I have a feeling I'll only get the £27 a week as I didn't earn enough to pay much NI and I think it goes on that xx

OP posts:

AphroditeGoddessOfLove · 10/09/2021 20:11

Your body and hormones are screwing you over and your partner is being a dick. You deserve so much more than this and you definitely don't deserve to be suffering the way you are.

Please speak to your midwife or if you're really struggling self present at A&E. You need and deserve proper support.

I had HG after multiple early losses and I went to a dark place too - and I really wanted my baby. It's fucking hard and nobody understands it unless they've been through it. I loved and hated being pregnant but by the end I loathed it entirely.

You're not alone. You're not a bad person.

CookieCrunch123 · 10/09/2021 20:12

It sounds like depression. Do you have a number for your midwife? If not try the GP and tell them what you’ve written here

Original poster

sunflowersinwindow · 10/09/2021 20:15

DP Doesn't understand as his life has carried on as normal and he hasn't done anything to help me that would restrict his life at all.
He's been on holiday twice since I've been pregnant and didn't even ring to ask how I was, he's going to the office all the time thats 60 miles away even though he doesn't have to, he's always out for meals meeting clients or playing football on a weekend... where as I'm just in the same 4 walls every day seeing no one and doing nothing and I can't imagine it getting better when this baby comes along other than me eventually feeling better physically.
I feel no love or anything towards it like I did my first, I just feel like it's this parasite that's done nothing but make me ill and unable to live my life for the past 9 months. I hate it. I have images of the midwife handing me her and me just having no interest at all. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2021 20:17

I felt similarly during my second pregnancy. It's hormones. Your partner is being obnoxious and needs to understand your brain chemicals are doing this to you.

Please, please hang in there. Chances are you'll feel like a different woman once the baby is born.

Original poster

sunflowersinwindow · 10/09/2021 20:18

I've had anti nausea meds almost all the way through I'm still taking 3 a day now at 37 weeks. My face is so gaunt, my eyes look heavy and my hair is all thin and limp. I look and feel disgusting and the way my partner is being just adds to me feeling so unattractive

OP posts:

CookieCrunch123 · 10/09/2021 20:18

Just seen your update. It sounds like the support isn’t enough. You need to contact your MH practitioner tell them your still feeling this way. Don’t believe everything you see on social media. A lot of people have various difficulties during pregnancy. It’s a huge monumental change physically mentally and emotionally. Anyone can smile for a Facebook photo it doesn’t mean it’s all rosey all the time

Theworldishard · 10/09/2021 20:18

What support is the perinatal team offering you?

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