To still not want this baby..

[sunflowersinwindow]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. This baby (my 2nd) was planned, we tried for about 6 months. As soon as I got pregnant I felt sick all the time and it just changed me instantly. I contemplated abortion until quite late on.
Mine and DP's relationship has really suffered as it's just changed me so much, he sleeps on the sofa most nights. I feel guilty I've not been present for almost a year of DS's life and didn't make the most of the time we had at home before he started school this week.. I spent the past 9 months just laying on the sofa or crying.
I can't get SMP as I didn't earn enough and my hours have been cut due to COVID, meaning when I go back to work all that is available is 3 hours per week. I just want a job but who would consider a 37 week pregnant lump for a job.
My life hasn't changed since lockdown thanks to this pregnancy. I barely speak I just cry most days. I've got no money of my own, I see no one, do nothing, and have nothing to talk about and nothing going on in my life.
I'm dreading labour to the point I'm having panic attacks. If I could click my fingers and this baby disappear I would. I just don't know how I can feel attached and I'm dreading having to cope with 2. I wish I could escape my body and run away. DP says it's disgusting I'm wishing the baby gone, I don't deserve kids etc.

Re breastfeeding - it really does trigger lots of endorphins - 'happy hormones' - so if you can establish it, with support as and where necessary, it could likely really help both your mood and your bond with your baby.

Sweetheart it's not surprising you are struggling. You've been bereaved, on top of everything else, and your family are not supportive. I can't tell you whether that's just a lack of understanding of your condition on their part, or if they are jerks and you'd be better off without them.

I can tell you that this could well be entirely hormonal and you could feel fine as soon as your baby is born.

My much planned and tried for baby came from a pregnancy that I hated and would have, could have, ended. It was awful I wondered what the hell I'd done, how could I have been so stupid etc. I felt so down, flat, no feelings except dread and sickness. I didn't think I could manage the whole 9 months. How could I get through?

But I did. You are so close now, nearly there. You just need to hang on for a little longer.

You must still be grief-stricken .

I had ante- natal depression/anxiety and fear of childbirth but did not go on to have pnd. The birth was better than expected which was probably a factor.

I really feel for you and hope things improve.

I had antenatal depression with my second (planned) pregnancy , I went from being happy during my first trimester to wishing I was dead for the rest of second and third. Its the hardest period of my life, I can't imagine grieving for your cousin on top of that. I sympathise with the support from your midwife team, I had three referrals to the perinatal mental team but never heard from them. One midwife I spoke to bluntly said that the support is usually for trafficked sex workers or rape victims: which is horribly unfair and not true. There are mixed attitudes and its worth asking again and again as you just need to find the right person, but it's so hard to ask for help when you're feeling that bad. Please keep trying and don't dismiss the antidepressants, the risks are tiny and the benefits could be enormous and get you back on track. Perhaps give yourself a deadline, as in, if things aren't better by X then I'll try them. This tactic helped me, kept me going. Have you looked into IAPT? A self referral service that helped me pick myself back up of the floor, physically and emotionally. Everything is made more difficult with the pandemic, I was told explicitly that resources are scare and stretched, but just keep asking and be very honest about your feelings.

It can lift, for me it was two days before the birth, a definite sudden uptick in my feelings, made better by abandonning disasterous breastfeeding post birth. It definitely felt like as the hormones settled 'me' came back. I was sure we'd never bond but I feel far more fiercely protective of my second, I feel like we went through so much. But this isn't to say it's definite for you, it's necessary to get more help so you have a safety net. Point your partner in the direction of resources about antenatal depression so he can read it for himself.

@Hi246

I've been where you are! We pushed ourselves to try for baby number 2, didn't feel broody really but thought it would take time. It happened immediately. I felt sick a week in. And proceeded to feel mentally and physically low for the whole pregnancy. My partner was away a lot, and he was unsympathetic. My toddler was such hard work I would stagger to the park etc, find the nearest bench, park myself and just let him be feral. That was all I could manage, i just felt a big fat ugly lump that was already a bad mother. I cried myself to sleep every night. My other half just treated me like I was being dramatic, and should just carry on as before. I never considered not having the baby,, but we both agreed if things didn't work out we would never try again. I walked into mother care once, saw the baby clothes and had a flicker of excitement, but that was honestly the only broody moment I had. The rest was dread. I wanted her to be ok, but knew I couldn't cope. I wanted to go to sleep and sleep forever (I don't mean die, just sleep and sleep and sleep for weeks and for other people just to take everything else off my hands). I remember thinking that I must have been so up myself to imagine little me could cope with two kids, that I'd wrecked my life and theirs. The difference is I was never really honest with anyone. I suffered in silence. I wish now I had taken some tablets, seen a GP and cut myself some slack. I have so much empathy now when I think of the struggling pregnant woman I was but I thought I was worth nothing at the time. I got shingles at 38 weeks, and because it was an obvious physical condition suddenly everyone wanted to help. The rest I got gave my body energy I think and I went into labour. And then I had a quick birth, as 2nd ones often are and the relief and love that shot through me lifted me up. Honestly I felt as if seeing her, holding her, and not having the weight of her crushing my insides, had suddenly given me life. I felt brilliant. I dont excuse all of the way my other half treated me in that dark time, I never will, but our relationship improved 100 per cent for me feeling so good. As a bonus, she was a good baby and my heart swelled with so much love for her. As a bonus, she was an easy baby (much easier than the first) and I felt better and got more sleep than before she arrived I have so much sympathy for you but please don't think you will automatically not love this baby, hold him or her close, spend time, lean on those that love you That little flicker of emotion will be there, it will grow and you'll find yourself coming back again. Feel free to pm me if you want to x

Oh I feel so much of this! So much of how I felt tied in with guilt about DC1, not being a fun mum during pregnancy, being so tired, fear of leaving him to go into hospital, fear of how our relationship would change, guilt that the little money we have spare would have to be shared, I could go on. He's fine, loves his sister, we've given him something money could never buy and all that worry was completely pointless!

I agree that you need more mental health support and I would certainly consider taking the anti-depressants as they could really help you.
I can relate to the feeling of the baby being a parasite and making you ill.
Please ask for more help, and also don’t underestimate that you could feel differently once she’s here. If you don’t, keep asking the mental health team for help. And take the drugs. sorry you’re going through this

@HBGKC

Re breastfeeding - it really does trigger lots of endorphins - 'happy hormones' - so if you can establish it, with support as and where necessary, it could likely really help both your mood and your bond with your baby.

Hmm. It made the baby blues unbearable for me. I had to give up after a couple of weeks. I won't say I wish I hadn't bothered, I'm glad she got the colostrum, I know that's important. But I can't say I got any amazing positive rushes of feelings when she was on the breast, I mostly felt irritable and annoyed and tired.

Make sure you share how you are feeling with your GP or try and get referred to a MH team. Ante-natal depression exists and having a difficult pregnancy like I did, with life falling apart around me doesnt help.

I'd convinced myself all through my pregnancy (2nd too) that baby was going to die anyway so what was the point. Even up to birth I'd convinced myself she was going to die in labour. No attachment, no nothing, no feelings.

I KNOW it sounds cheesy but I did fall in love with her the moment I saw her. I needed a lot of MH help and medication afterwards, but we're still here, she's nearly a teenager and things are still tough, but so are most lives.

Sending a huge unmumsnetty hug. I'll get vilified for saying this, but I didnt even give up smoking (which I did with first) as I was so convinced she was never going to be born alive.

God, feels so odd saying all this.

And of course I never told anybody how I was feeling at the time. Nod smile - fuck off.

I had prenatal depression twice but it was worse the second time. I'm so glad I reached out for help and I hope you do too. Fortunately, both times it disappeared as soon as the babies were born. My take away from this is that the thoughts and feelings simply weren't real. Give yourself and this baby a chance.

@sunflowersinwindow didn’t want to read and run but big hugs !! I hope you work this out !! Your a great mum by even just admitting this is how your feeling

I'm so sorry you feel this way, it must be so tough. I don't know how to help you but I just think about that perfect little baby waiting to meet their mummy and daddy and they're not wanted and it breaks my heart. Please try to get help for your little baby's sake.

I think I've seen you post earlier in your pregnancy.
You are clearly struggling a lot physically and mentally and your partner sounds like an unsupportive cunt.

Honestly I could of written your post four years ago, I had severe pre natal depression. As soon as my son was born and he was put in my arms something switched and I loved and wanted him so much I actually turned to my husband in surprise and said ‘I love him’. I felt exactly the same as you, go to your GP now and get something to help you. Prenatal depression is awful.

OP I haven't read the whole thread but I read a couple of your posts. I had hyperemesis gravidarum during my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. It was horrific during my 2nd pregnancy. I literally vomited from about 4 weeks pregnant until my son was born at 37.4 weeks pregnant. My skin peeled of, a couple of teeth broke due to the acid, my weight fell, my skin was grey and I could barely get of the couch. I had a 4 year old with additional needs to cope with too. It was awful and I was miserable. I felt it was so difficult to bond with my unborn baby as I could barely get through the next hour let alone day. Dh was good but he didn't understand how awful it was. The best I can explain it to people is its like having the worst sickness bug you can imagine but it lasting 9 months. Anyway I gave birth to my darling boy. He is now 4 and an absolute joy. He is just so full of fun, laughter and happiness. I know I am biased as his mum but people often comment on his wonderful nature. I did then go onto have a 3rd unplanned child. Thankfully the sickness wasn't as bad but I will never have another child. I cannot go through that again. I do understand in a lot of ways how awful what you are going through is. From my own experience as soon as my babies were born I felt better.

@Crunchymum

You need an urgent referral to your perinatal MH team.

It sounds horrendous but it's not your fault. There is help out there. Please reach out ASAP.

This

Your partner is 50% responsible for the condition you are in now. So he's also 50% responsible for every financial transaction including buying anything you need for yourself and your body and the developing baby inside it. And if you've used up all your financial resources because he didn't realise this, oh well he'll have to support you 100%. He can have a conversation about going forward in about eighteen months when his progeny may just about have stopped pooing weeing and getting furious due to lack of food at four am and you might just be physically capable of earning money again.

Your partner needs to pull himself together right now, Sunflowers. You are ill, suffering from depression and having a difficult pregnancy. He should be helping and caring for you, not making stupid aggressive comments.

I appreciate that he may be upset, but he isn't physically suffering as you are. You really need better support than you are getting from him.

I hope you can get the help you need and deserve from the health services. (Then you could consider forgiving DP for being such a dead weight.)

Please ask to get your B12 levels tested.. you sound like you are similar to me = sickness will have stopped you absorbing b12.. and without it you feel hideous...

I felt like getting rid of my DD - until she was skin side - - and even then i still felt depressed..

but things did improve for me - i hope they do for you too

Please consider contacting PANDAS foundation for support:

pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/free-helpline/

They have a helpline you can call. I hope things improve for you really soon.

This isn’t a baby issue it’s a “partner” issue- you have no money- what an absolute cunt!
Was he fantastically supportive after baby number 1? I’m assuming not.

"I've got no money of my own, I see no one, do nothing, and have nothing to talk about and nothing going on in my life" - this isn't the baby's fault. if you are unhappy with your life YOU need to change it. Pregnancy is stressful and emotional but you can do it mumma ❤️ this baby needs you and I really think you would benefit from talking to someone. Your life won't change unless you do something about it. Instead of crying on the sofa make friends, get out the house even if you only start with a 5 minute walk. I use an app called peanut to meet other mums/mums to be. You should give it a go. Please don't blame your poor baby. He or she needs their mummy

Re maternity allowance definitely look into it as you can pay the shortfall in NI class 2 I think it is and it's often not much and worth it. If you feel up to it give them call next week, If you google it'll bring up the number.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so rotten and not getting support from your partner. Please keep talking on here. Pregnancy is hard, especially after the last 18 months and with another child. Go easy on yourself x

Are you the poor lady who had HG early in the pregnancy?

It sounds like your partner is a big part of the problem. It’s hard enough being sick in pregnancy without a bit of care and empathy from the person who is supposed to love you. He knows you don’t have access to money and will probably receive a very small maternity allowance. He chooses not to share money with you. That is a very purposeful choice. I know it’s such a cliché, but is there any chance he is having an affair?

Really feel for you op
Your H is a grade A cunt and when you’re strong enough consider your next move…

Hi OP.

I can relate to a lot of the things you are saying about the way you feel. I had HG throughout my pregnancy and it's honestly miserable and sucks every bit of enjoyment out of being pregnant. Please speak to your midwife and GP, there is help and support out there.

As far your partner, honestly you don't need that. You need and deserve someone who recognises although this is hard, it is temporary and right now you need his support to get you through. You need someone who shows empathy and reassurance both mentally and financially. Please consider whether this relationship serves you at all because from the sounds of your posts, he just contributes to your unhappiness.

Wishing you all the best.

P.s the moment my baby was born I fell in love, but still needed support from a mental health perspective. Don't be afraid to stand up and ask for what you need.