To still not want this baby..

[sunflowersinwindow]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. This baby (my 2nd) was planned, we tried for about 6 months. As soon as I got pregnant I felt sick all the time and it just changed me instantly. I contemplated abortion until quite late on.
Mine and DP's relationship has really suffered as it's just changed me so much, he sleeps on the sofa most nights. I feel guilty I've not been present for almost a year of DS's life and didn't make the most of the time we had at home before he started school this week.. I spent the past 9 months just laying on the sofa or crying.
I can't get SMP as I didn't earn enough and my hours have been cut due to COVID, meaning when I go back to work all that is available is 3 hours per week. I just want a job but who would consider a 37 week pregnant lump for a job.
My life hasn't changed since lockdown thanks to this pregnancy. I barely speak I just cry most days. I've got no money of my own, I see no one, do nothing, and have nothing to talk about and nothing going on in my life.
I'm dreading labour to the point I'm having panic attacks. If I could click my fingers and this baby disappear I would. I just don't know how I can feel attached and I'm dreading having to cope with 2. I wish I could escape my body and run away. DP says it's disgusting I'm wishing the baby gone, I don't deserve kids etc.

your partner sounds like an unsupportive dickhead.

You definitely need more MH input.

Please don’t worry about your current feelings about your pregnancy and baby. It may all change and the end is in sight. That’s not to say you should worry if you don’t feel an instant bond. It’s taboo, but many mums don’t.

I was physically unwell at the end of my pregnancy and although I had a traumatic birth and was is the intensive ward immediately after, I was astonished that I felt so much better than I had. Hopefully you’ll have the same relief in a few weeks.

Can you see if you can talk to your friend in person or at least on the phone? It might help to share this in real life.

Sending you massive hugs, OP. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time.

I know our situations aren't exactly the same but I suffered terribly with Perinatal OCD and severe depression when I was pregnant with my first. I didn't actually know what was going on at the time and kept it to myself until my little girl was born amd then every single emotion I had came pouring out. I was terrified of having my daughter too but things are so so much better now.

Please speak to your GP or the Perinatal mental health team. Things will get better, I promise

You sound a bit traumatised, people might think I'm being flippant but I had PTSD after my pregnancy/birth and didn't recognise it for a long time after. You've been through multiple life changing events at the same time -lockdown, bereavement, difficult pregnancy, your brain can only process so many shit things at once!

I hope the (albeit limited) mh support you have now continues after the birth, if not please please fight for it, and your DH needs to get his act together quick too.

Could be prenatal depression. I had a work colleague who suffered from this terribly, but she said almost as soon as the baby was out the cloud lifted and she immediately felt better. Hoping the same is true for you.

My comment about ff was based more on the need for medication and not allowing it to be a barrier to what the OP needs for herself. Of course she should try if that's what she wants but absolutely don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure. Your baby will benefit far more from a well mum so whatever your decision, don't feel any guilt around it.
Given how fragile you are, having everything prepared to ff if necessary is probably a wise precaution and stops everything being on you when you are struggling. Explain in advance to your husband that if it isn't working, he is to step in here. You can always do a bit of both. Mixed feeding worked well for my second.
The hormones in this period can be overwhelming and prevent rational decision making so make sure he knows this and what you do and do not want.
Please book a gp appointment now. If they can see and assess you it will hopefully speed the process of getting anti depressants once your baby is here.
Don't underestimate how hard constant nausea is. You may well feel very different but don't rely on it magically lifting and take the necessary steps in case it doesn't.
Try and reframe it to you didn't wish for a pregnancy like this and not your baby so you are not overwhelmed with guilt later.
The idea it is all wonderful and we glow is not the reality for most people. You are just being more honest about it.
Having another small child makes it a slog for most people.
You are nearly at the end so there is light, even if you can't yet see it.
Make sure the child allowance is being paid to you... and wash your make up brushes. Mine lasts years, sure most of it will be fine if you just sharpen and clean!

Thank you so much everyone x

Op, I had pre natal depression with my 2nd baby and felt similar to you throughout my pregnancy . I cried all the time and just didn’t want to wake up the next day.I called the Samaritans about 6 weeks before I was due and was asked if I wanted to kill myself, 30 years later this still shocks me to the core . My baby was very much wanted and my husband was as supportive as he could be but it was a terrible time. Now the good bit, the moment he was born it was like a light had been switched on and within days I started to feel better. My gp thinks it was all due to the stress of a difficult premature first birth followed by untreated post natal depression. Hopefully you will begin to feel better once your baby is born but please ask for help if this is not the case , good luck xx

Oh OP I was in your position. Pregnant with number 2, sick as a dog, isolated and miserable! I was totally useless to DS who was only 6 months old when I got pregnant. It was F* miserable the entire 9 months and I hit some really really dark places!

All I can say is it got so much better once number 2 arrived and I got my health back. It’s really important you don’t feel judged though so try to help your DP understand that.
My DH was incredibly understanding luckily xx

Did things get better for you OP? 💐