To still not want this baby..

[sunflowersinwindow]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. This baby (my 2nd) was planned, we tried for about 6 months. As soon as I got pregnant I felt sick all the time and it just changed me instantly. I contemplated abortion until quite late on.
Mine and DP's relationship has really suffered as it's just changed me so much, he sleeps on the sofa most nights. I feel guilty I've not been present for almost a year of DS's life and didn't make the most of the time we had at home before he started school this week.. I spent the past 9 months just laying on the sofa or crying.
I can't get SMP as I didn't earn enough and my hours have been cut due to COVID, meaning when I go back to work all that is available is 3 hours per week. I just want a job but who would consider a 37 week pregnant lump for a job.
My life hasn't changed since lockdown thanks to this pregnancy. I barely speak I just cry most days. I've got no money of my own, I see no one, do nothing, and have nothing to talk about and nothing going on in my life.
I'm dreading labour to the point I'm having panic attacks. If I could click my fingers and this baby disappear I would. I just don't know how I can feel attached and I'm dreading having to cope with 2. I wish I could escape my body and run away. DP says it's disgusting I'm wishing the baby gone, I don't deserve kids etc.

You need to contact your mental health team asap.
You need and deserve help. . You have been through so much.
You need to tell them your financial situation and how you have no money . It is possible you are entitled to more.
Your dh may just not understand your health .
Good wishes.

Oh sweetheart!

I wish I could give you a big hug!

Been there. It was awful. The sickness passed the second I gave birth both times. But your partner really needs to be onside because once the sleepless nights start you’ll probably feel the same.

With my second I was watched quite closely for PND. I went back onto antidepressants quite soon after the birth. And I felt like I’d let my children down by feeling as low as I did.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And it’s not your fault. Hang in there. Your doing a wonderful job with your older child even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

You’ve got this. And if you want to PM me just to chat, feel free. Chin up x

@sunflowersinwindow now that it's the weekend, please call 111 for an out of hours GP review. There are other anti-nausea meds that can be tried x

You poor thing. What the fuck is your partner playing at?
How he can berate you yet offer no support is a disgrace.
I'd not make any big life decisions now but I'd be considering if I wanted to be with this horrible person.
It's no wonder you feel like shit.

You've got options birth wise, I know it doesn't fix everything but it's an option. Then you'd know the end date of this awful pregnancy.

Mental health team sound shit.
Can you speak with panda instead x

If I may ask, did you write a post on mn a few months ago about this, the timings would be approximately right. If so, then he has been really awful and unsupportive, and i think he is the source of most of your difficulties.

My "D"P behaved similarly when I had to go on bed rest (which he and everybody else reads as something nice, rather than what it is) just after we'd moved to a country where I knew nobody.

You need to for a second rationally evaluate this situation.

You are not "just" depressed. That's bad enough.
You are not without a partner, being single would be hard.
Rather than being alone, you're with someone who is treating you badly and leaves you feeling unseen, unheard and lonely - and literally leaves you alone when you need support. This is your daily life! Anybody who is ill in any way feels vulnerable. Many many women feel differing degrees of vulnerable during pregnancy. You are ill and pregnant and depressed and you have a "D"P who is actively doing things that make you feel worse.

How on EARTH could you be feeling all kinds of fairies and unicorns right now? You'd literally have to be mad to feel any sort of "glow".

For sure you have hormones etc but they don't explain his callousness.

Please tell the PMH team exactly how you're feeling, but also what's happening at home. Your "D"H is also financially abusing you right now.

I wish I could come over and give you a hug. You deserve that plus a whole lot more.

Also don't worry about those perfect pregnancies. It's usually BS. Some people have them but loads of us don't. Our pregnancies don't make nice instaphotos though, so we rarely heard about them.

It’s no wonder you’re depressed with your awful, awful, financially abusive cunt of a DP. Hormones may be playing a part but somewhere down the line when things are easier and clearer, kick him to the far side of the fucking sun.

People so rarely talk about depression during pregnancy. Please know you are not alone and seek professional help. This is what the NHS is there for.

I am so sorry you are not in a good way. Please try to be kind to yourself.

Your situation just sounds really shit. Like everyone else here (note not a single person is blaming you for how you feel or even implying that you are bad for feeling it) I just want to come and give you a big hug.

Try not to catastrophise about the birth - it could be a breeze! And you will have all the support of the midwives and other hospital staff - you really don't have to worry about anything past just getting there.
After that you can start to feel like you have your body back again - and by hook or by crook get some time to do what makes you feel like a proper human being again.
You have options ahead of you, despite how it might feel, and years to get your life back to where you would like it to be.
Willing a little strength your way xxx

Oh my love. You've had so much to deal with. And sorry, but your 'DP' just sounds like a massive fuckwad. He is not supporting you at all.

Pregnancy and a baby are not the same thing. Please try to remember that.
Hating being pregnant is not the same as hating your baby.
You only have a couple of weeks to go and they are uncomfortable weeks for most people so there probably is a limit to major changes you can make.
Practical things you could do: go to your gp and discuss what medication you can take once baby is here. Try and ensure you get out for a small amount of time each day. Even if you are sick of the same walk or drive, you need to force yourself.
In your circumstances, I probably would formula feed. Your mental health is in a delicate place and the danger of that tipping over compared to the benefits of breastfeeding don't really stack up here.
Tell your husband you need him to take the lead in doing something as a family at weekends. Doesn't have to be much park, cafe, cinema (anything) but he needs to decide on it, get your child ready and be enthusiastic about going even if you are not. You don't have the energy to chivvy anyone else to do things so he needs to take that role.
This is a tough time for all of you and not sure deciding he is an arse and slagging him off is going to help this situation improve.
Tell him what you need from him and make it clear how important it is he supports you to get out of the black hole. It's unrealistic to think it will just disappear, he just needs to get you through a couple of weeks so you can get medical help

Oh goodness, OP. You absolutely need support with pre-natal depression. Your partner isn't helping at all. Please, please tell the GP or HV - whoever you see first - how you feel. You have done nothing wrong for even a fraction of a second. But you do need people to support you, and you might have to advocate for yourself, if others won't do it for you - though I know this is very hard.

@sunflowersinwindow I had AND with my second child. It was hard, really hard..

But the amazing thing about it was that it went away in days after I gave birth. The relief was huge. And I could bond with dc2 in a way i hadn’t with Dc1 (PND)….

I hope you will get the same relief once baby is here.

Sorry it's a DM link: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2212525/PRENATAL-depression-It-strikes-pregnant-women-driving-abortions-suicide.html

Your partner is being at least financially abusive and I suspect in other ways too.
I'm very sorry you're suffering. Please ask for help in real life. Keep making noise until someone listens. You don't have to keep the child after they are born. You need some breathing space to think clearly without your cunt of a parter though.

Thank you so much for your support. It's what I've needed.
Do you think it could be prenatal depression and once the baby is here I might feel differently? I'm really worried about getting postnatal depression and was thinking about breastfeeding but I think the suggestion that formula feeding might be the best option for me.
I know when the baby is here I still won't have a proper job other then my 3 hours, DP still won't really care for me, my cousin won't be coming back.. but at least I'll have my body back and won't be scared about leaving the house in case I feel sick.
I just can't imagine ever having my life again. I can't remember the last time I felt 'nice'. I can't even remember what clothes I used to wear (most of them I've gotten rid of other than a few baggy tops and leggings) or done my make up. I think most of my make up has gone off. And I don't have money to replace it. I've never felt so low in all my life.

@HonoreDeBallsache thank you for the link I've just read it all and can relate to it a lot x

You're not going to be stuck in this situation forever op. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Better things lie ahead. [Flowers]

Re formula feeding, from what I understand breastfeeding can protect against PND and reduce severity of symptoms, but obviously not if establishing it is hard and a cause of stress in itself. So unless you need to take medicine that is incompatible with it, you might want to try breastfeeding but move to formula with zero guilt or second thoughts if it's not an easy journey.

Hey, Just sending hugs. I had a terrible hormonal and physical reaction to pregnancy. Was off work sick from 5 weeks pregnant with sickness and anxiety/depression until my maternity leave kicked in. This reduced my payments significantly and only added to my stress. Luckily I had a very supportive partner. Pregnancy sickness support charity were great. They provide peer support. I also self referred to my local mental health service (separate from perinatal team) and was seen quickly. Hope things improve for you soon.

Dont dismiss breastfeeding. It sounds like your partner isnt going to be supprtive, if you take to it and it goes well its far easier than the added pressure of having to sort bottles too.

As for your partner well he's being financially abusive at the very least and won't be helping you improve the way you feel mentally.. In your situation this may be the right time to contact womans aid or your midwife for advice.. I know it feels like you're drowning right now but things won't always be this way. See if you can rope your mum into going to a midwife appointment with you and have a frank chat. She may well surprise you with having another perspective there who sees this for the abusive situation it is.

I’m so sorry your going through a hard time. I had HG for my full pregnancy, for 9 months I threw up sometimes 10+ times a day. It was torture, I took some pictures whilst pregnant and I look back at them and I look ill and weak. I worried so much about bonding with my child because I struggled to bond when pregnant, i tried to get pregnant for a year and really wanted the pregnancy but my sickness took all that want away. I suffered with depression as well during my pregnancy. Despite anti sickness meds I was still weak and sick as well. I barely saw anyone and was so lonely. What really helped was joining a group on facebook with other mothers who were suffering as it felt like I wasn’t alone. As soon as i delivered my baby the sickness just went away and also mentally I felt like a dark cloud lifted. I also spoke to some really kind midwifes along the way who were sympathetic. Also at 36 weeks I went for a 3D scan and that helped me bond because I could see my babies face.

You may need the pills. Yes there are risks in pregnancy, but there are also risks of you being so unwell. And you are unwell! And no wonder. You are having a rough rough time. Remember! Nothing (good or bad) lasts in life. Everything changes. This will change too. I would take the pills (under GP advice of course). It could be that the stress has influenced a change in your brain and some ssri s will really help.

Much good thoughts going your way OP. Tough times come in life. But they also lift. And in the mean time meds can help.

Your DP sounds like an absolute bastard.

I would LTB and apply for universal credit. You'll probably end up better off Is there anyone you can move in with temporarily til you get on your feet if you do leave him? Your dad?

If you don't want to give birth vaginally and it's causing you this much stress would you consider an ELCS?

Lastly, I felt like you all through my pregnancy til the very end. I think it was a sort of self preservation thing. She came along and my god I absolutely love her so much. Although I do still think having her was probably a daft idea - because having kids in general is! Your baby is a blessing too and you'll love them when they're here.it's just hard to see happiness in your future when your DP is such a selfish dick.

I've been where you are! We pushed ourselves to try for baby number 2, didn't feel broody really but thought it would take time. It happened immediately. I felt sick a week in. And proceeded to feel mentally and physically low for the whole pregnancy. My partner was away a lot, and he was unsympathetic. My toddler was such hard work I would stagger to the park etc, find the nearest bench, park myself and just let him be feral. That was all I could manage, i just felt a big fat ugly lump that was already a bad mother. I cried myself to sleep every night. My other half just treated me like I was being dramatic, and should just carry on as before. I never considered not having the baby,, but we both agreed if things didn't work out we would never try again. I walked into mother care once, saw the baby clothes and had a flicker of excitement, but that was honestly the only broody moment I had. The rest was dread. I wanted her to be ok, but knew I couldn't cope. I wanted to go to sleep and sleep forever (I don't mean die, just sleep and sleep and sleep for weeks and for other people just to take everything else off my hands). I remember thinking that I must have been so up myself to imagine little me could cope with two kids, that I'd wrecked my life and theirs.
The difference is I was never really honest with anyone. I suffered in silence. I wish now I had taken some tablets, seen a GP and cut myself some slack. I have so much empathy now when I think of the struggling pregnant woman I was but I thought I was worth nothing at the time.
I got shingles at 38 weeks, and because it was an obvious physical condition suddenly everyone wanted to help. The rest I got gave my body energy I think and I went into labour.
And then I had a quick birth, as 2nd ones often are and the relief and love that shot through me lifted me up. Honestly I felt as if seeing her, holding her, and not having the weight of her crushing my insides, had suddenly given me life. I felt brilliant. I dont excuse all of the way my other half treated me in that dark time, I never will, but our relationship improved 100 per cent for me feeling so good. As a bonus, she was a good baby and my heart swelled with so much love for her. As a bonus, she was an easy baby (much easier than the first) and I felt better and got more sleep than before she arrived
I have so much sympathy for you but please don't think you will automatically not love this baby, hold him or her close, spend time, lean on those that love you
That little flicker of emotion will be there, it will grow and you'll find yourself coming back again. Feel free to pm me if you want to x

I'm so sorry to hear how hard everything is at the moment. Your story totally sounds exactly like a story I heard of a friend's friend. This girl was trying for a baby got pregnant and was happy and then felt just as you did and it was due to some rare hormone thing/related to depression etc.
I don't know the full story but certainly everything you have said resonates with what I heard.
When the baby arrived all those feelings you have described went quite quickly. She loves her baby and all was ok! I really hope and feel the same happens to you too. If it doesn't it is not your fault, it is depression or hormone signals in the brain etc. You need support.
Wishing you all the best x