AIBU - Am I selfish or is DH being a ....

[bonkerspeople]

Hello everyone
For context: Been married 16 years and together 22. I earn about 18k more than DP. Mortgage and bills are split 50/50 on a joint account. I pay for all school uniform/shoes/dinner /activity clubs. I paid for our holiday which was about 2.5k. I buy all xmas present and birthday gifts for friends and family. My job is salaried and no opportunity for overtime and extra money. DH’s job he can do overtime and get extra money which he often does.
Our cars insurance/ car tax/ mobile bills come from our personal account.
Food shopping, meals out and take aways is usually done 60% of the time me and him 40%.
Now for the AIBY:
He recently got some money 2.5k from a family member, which he was owed. We needed some work done in the garden. DH had agreed that he would pay for that. The quote came back for £800 (He thought it would be around £500). He gets annoyed as I refuse to top up the £300. He then tries to change what we had already agreed to get done which would be cheaper. I said No either we do it how we agreed or we leave it until he has the money. He then gets angry and said that I do not like it when he has money blah blah blah. I said I do most things and that he is being selfish. He starts shouting at calling me ‘the most selfish person’ he’s ever come across. I get more money and am jealous of his 2.5k. I said that I was very offended seeing as I spend all my money on things for everyone, how I lend him money and never get back etc ….he continues calling me names. Went to sleep in the spare room (he went and agreed the work for £800). This morning he is talking to me like nothing happened. Ive just ignored me and left for work.
AIBU: he is being an idiot and I at least deserve an apology and some gratitude.
Or am I being overdramatic?
Thanks

I think you need to rethink the way you do your finances so that you have equal "personal" money after all family costs and bills are accounted for. Then there's no complaining about unfair.

I think it's fine for DH to say he's not happy to pay for the garden if it's more than he was expecting. I think it's fine for you to say you don't want to pay for it either. up to you both to decide if you want it doing or not.

If this was money that DH was owed, so not money that was "extra" per se, it seems a bit mean to insist on how he will spend it.

@UserAtLargeAgain

I think you need to rethink the way you do your finances so that you have equal "personal" money after all family costs and bills are accounted for. Then there's no complaining about unfair.

I think it's fine for DH to say he's not happy to pay for the garden if it's more than he was expecting. I think it's fine for you to say you don't want to pay for it either. up to you both to decide if you want it doing or not.

If this was money that DH was owed, so not money that was "extra" per se, it seems a bit mean to insist on how he will spend it.

I understand that but when it is my money that i received from my parents that I spent on the extension, then he didnt complain. Or when I pay for everything else. Also his overtime reduces the gap, so he is not that worse off than me.

I think you need to discuss with DH how you both want things to work in the future and agree what is fair.

I think the way you are managing finances is not good, as a family. I would put more stuff into the 'joint pot' and then pay a proportional share, rather than paying for bits 'here and there' and owing each other - which is leading to resentment. My DP earns 20k more than me and we pay for things proportionately and make sure all bills come out the joint account.

Another one saying to have a rethink how you work your finances.

Sit and work out, together, how much needs to go in your joint account to cover all your outgoings. Agree a percentage that you both then pay in (which more than covers it, let the money build up to pay for such as the garden) which then leaves you both with your own spends which are nothing to do with the other person.

Stop paying for everything extra you pay for then? It’s obviously not feeling fair to him for some reason

@Rugsofhonour

Not only do you pay for most things, you also do ALL of the life admin based on what you’ve said. Buying presents, school uniform, food etc etc. What does he contribute?

Yes I do all admins, plan all holidays. Do the school drop off 5 days and he he does pick up 3 days and I do 2 days. I do not mind and I do not resent what chores we each do. He would do things like mow the lawn. He does cooking 3 days a week when he WFH and I do the rest. He helps with washing up when I cook and I do washing up when he cooks. I do all laundry. We both clean the house.

The thing that upset me yesterday was his ingratitude and calling me selfish. I buy all of his clothes, always has done. He would say 'I need to get some new work shirts' and I'd get them.

He would say 'I need to get some new work shirts' and I'd get them

I dont usually go for petty, but I would stop doing this and agree with PP sit down and sort your finances, he might not know what a good thing he has going and how much he has shot himself in the foot

Time to sit down, list all the outgoings and split them 50/50. Show him the calculations.
If he wants to be an arse over £300 it will cost him a lot more in the long run.

I can’t work up who is up snd who Is find in your current arrangements but agree that you should have equal personal spending money.
Even without knowing the amounts I was coming down on DH’s side thinking why don’t you just give him the £300 tbh as you earn so much more.

@AdobeWanKenobi

Time to sit down, list all the outgoings and split them 50/50. Show him the calculations. If he wants to be an arse over £300 it will cost him a lot more in the long run.

I wish I could do this - I do not want the argument to drag on but am so upset right now that he hasn't apologised for his outburst. In anger yesterday he said we should sell the house but didnt say anything else. Does he mean sell the house and each get our own or what? I asked him what he meant but he was just swearing and I did not want to upset the kids, so I kept quiet.

@Strawbsaturno

I can’t work up who is up snd who Is find in your current arrangements but agree that you should have equal personal spending money. Even without knowing the amounts I was coming down on DH’s side thinking why don’t you just give him the £300 tbh as you earn so much more.

I do not earn so much more though as once he has done his overtime, hes probably just about £300/£400 less than me. And once I have paid for everything else, I actually would be left with nothing if I didnt have savings. I received a big inheritance from my parents.

I think that the best way to manage finances is everything into 1 pot and all family bills and costs come from that, with an equal allowance to personal accounts each month.

However, it seems that you have deeper issues. Swearing and shouting, you being afraid of the children hearing (why wasn't he?) his name calling and threats. Your doing all the mental load. It's not indicative of a good healthy relationship.

Maybe before an apology have a discussion about the argument and what caused his explosion. He obviously has resentment which may or may not be deserved.

Did he have plans for the 2.5k? Other than gardening...has the extra £300 thwarted his plans for something else.

@kittenkipping

I think that the best way to manage finances is everything into 1 pot and all family bills and costs come from that, with an equal allowance to personal accounts each month.

However, it seems that you have deeper issues. Swearing and shouting, you being afraid of the children hearing (why wasn't he?) his name calling and threats. Your doing all the mental load. It's not indicative of a good healthy relationship.

He did apologise to DC - we have a joint account for bills and mortgage. He is supposed to be WFH today and collect DC and this morning he went to work but hasnt said whether he is coming in time for school run or not. I do not really want to call him as I am still angry and upset. I do not like arguments especially not irrational shouty ones. But I do not appreciate him just brushing it under the carpet either.

You both sound exhausting and dramatic to me. Sit down and sort out your finances as a couple. If you want separation for money matters then have separation. But be fair and equitable about responsibilities. That way you can both abdicate the martyr status.

Ignoring and not talking to someone being civil is just sulking and it’s childish.

OP,
I can well understand you are very upset.
He was extremely nasty, suggest you split, and called you names.

You also felt compromised by his behaviour to calm him down as you didn't want the children to hear.

I can well understand it's not business as usual today.

I would be very upset.

In this situation you need to sit down and talk frankly and privately about what has occurred.

I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to or treated like that by anyone, certainly not my husband.

Is this truly a one off or is he free with insults and tantrums?

If he is, you have bigger problems.
If not you need to think about YOUR boundaries, and communicate them clearly to him.

If he doesn't to think he shouldn't apologise and continues to think calling you names is acceptable, I would be taking time to reflect on the state of your marriage.

This is so petty, in our house all money is "our" money including inheritances

OP,
Do not contact him or go to collect the children if he should be doing this.
Do not step in.
If he chooses to not turn up for a pre arranged pick up for his children, then I would definitely be having a think about who you are married to.

@billy1966

OP, I can well understand you are very upset. He was extremely nasty, suggest you split, and called you names.

You also felt compromised by his behaviour to calm him down as you didn't want the children to hear.

I can well understand it's not business as usual today.

I would be very upset.

In this situation you need to sit down and talk frankly and privately about what has occurred.

I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to or treated like that by anyone, certainly not my husband.

Is this truly a one off or is he free with insults and tantrums?

If he is, you have bigger problems.
If not you need to think about YOUR boundaries, and communicate them clearly to him.

If he doesn't to think he shouldn't apologise and continues to think calling you names is acceptable, I would be taking time to reflect on the state of your marriage.

We do not usually have big arguments. Like I said I am not an argumentative person. Sometimes when he is moody, I just walk off and do something else. But whenever we do have a big argument even though rare, he cannot control his mouth. He swears a LOT and i hate it as I find it very unnecessary. My parents never shout or swear, or at least not in front of us and I am 40. Then after a few weeks, he would say he didn't mean it but never apologise as such.

You're both being unreasonable for having this ridiculous set up as a married couple.

I more than DH, at times it's been a lot more, similar amount to you (except for when I'm on mat leave. I'm currently on mat leave and receiving maternity allowance only.).

We completely share our money. We both have our own bank accounts but have a joint account for bills. We both transfer monthly, and top up if needed. We discuss large purchases before making them.

When we first moved in together, we tried keeping a tally of who paid for what, but it quickly became tiresome.

Your system takes a lot of thought and effort, and I definitely couldn't be arsed with that! And your system seems to be making you unhappy.

@billy1966 - I know he is back home, i checked the camera. I will see if he leaves the house at 2.20, if not I will have to go. I cannot have the kids hanging around waiting and not knowing. And the primary school charges for late pick up!

For gods sake you are married and have been for a long time. Just share your money! God I am glad my husband and I are not petty like this, there is no world in which we would argue over £300.

Thanks everyone for your input.
@AntiHop - am not even angry about the money. For way too many years I have done that system. I am not keeping tab but i know exactly what I do in the house. What I am taking offence is his outburst at £300 when he has 2.5k sitting there and that he was the one who said that he would pay for it as I paid for the holiday etc and that he had this money.
I even said leave it and can do when the money is there, but he expected me to just pay the extra.