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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Am I selfish or is DH being a ....

88 replies

bonkerspeople · 10/09/2021 12:55

Hello everyone
For context: Been married 16 years and together 22. I earn about 18k more than DP. Mortgage and bills are split 50/50 on a joint account. I pay for all school uniform/shoes/dinner /activity clubs. I paid for our holiday which was about 2.5k. I buy all xmas present and birthday gifts for friends and family. My job is salaried and no opportunity for overtime and extra money. DH’s job he can do overtime and get extra money which he often does.
Our cars insurance/ car tax/ mobile bills come from our personal account.
Food shopping, meals out and take aways is usually done 60% of the time me and him 40%.
Now for the AIBY:
He recently got some money 2.5k from a family member, which he was owed. We needed some work done in the garden. DH had agreed that he would pay for that. The quote came back for £800 (He thought it would be around £500). He gets annoyed as I refuse to top up the £300. He then tries to change what we had already agreed to get done which would be cheaper. I said No either we do it how we agreed or we leave it until he has the money. He then gets angry and said that I do not like it when he has money blah blah blah. I said I do most things and that he is being selfish. He starts shouting at calling me ‘the most selfish person’ he’s ever come across. I get more money and am jealous of his 2.5k. I said that I was very offended seeing as I spend all my money on things for everyone, how I lend him money and never get back etc ….he continues calling me names. Went to sleep in the spare room (he went and agreed the work for £800). This morning he is talking to me like nothing happened. Ive just ignored me and left for work.
AIBU: he is being an idiot and I at least deserve an apology and some gratitude.
Or am I being overdramatic?
Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerspeople · 10/09/2021 15:49

@MrsTerryPratchett yes he didnt do pick up. I came home and he just said 'youve just had a delivery'.

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 10/09/2021 15:58

I don't understand the money thing. I've been married nearly as long as you, and my husband and I do have separate accounts and savings, because we already had them coming into the marriage. But we both see it as our combined money, because we're married and so that's what it is. We don't keep tabs on who has spent what. I can't imagine saying something like "well I paid for the new kitchen so you should pay for the new car". That's because we trust each other.

But I don't think this is to do with the (very strange) way you arrange your finances. Clearly you aren't on the same page with regards to your goals and there doesn't appear to be much trust. Can you rely on him? It doesn't much sound like it. 16 years is a long time, so I don't know if things have always been like this, or if it has changed, but I know I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on my husband, particularly when there are children involved.

gingerlime · 10/09/2021 16:17

So have I got food right .... he knew full well this was his day to collect your child ... but he didn’t, to stress you out? Is this for real?

gingerlime · 10/09/2021 16:17

this not food!

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 16:19

Whilst this was initially about his nastiness over 300 it certainly doesn't sound like it now.

He has form for being very nasty.

He has given a great big fxck you to his children and you by not collecting his children as was HIS responsibility today.

Honestly OP, it doesn't sound great and I'm sorry about that.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man at all.

I think you really need to reflect.
Reach out to those that care about you, family and friends, for support.

I think his behaviour, combined with his neglecting to pick up his children is deal breaker stuff.

He has crossed a line.

Are you happily married?
Do you love this man and the husband and father he is?

Reflect.

Cursing in front of your children as a regular occurring theme is not contributing to a happy, safe childhood for your children.

Perhaps you need to talk to someone professionally about your marriage, on your own.

If my husband neglected to collect our children to "punish" me, I don't think I could ever look at him the same way again.

Mind yourself.

RacistAngst · 10/09/2021 16:21

[quote bonkerspeople]@gingerlime years agon when we got together i suggested that bith our wages go into joint accounts (i was still studying and working part-time) and he refused. Said just put same amount each and then have our personal account.[/quote]
But you’re not. You’re paying for many things that are shared and he doesn’t.

I would suggest you start doing exactly that. The money will run out quickly and you will both top it up. After a few months, I suspect you will have an idea of how much you spend as a family.
He’ll also have a shock. But hey hoo

RacistAngst · 10/09/2021 16:22

I also agree that not collecting the dcs was not on. Even worse is being back home and not picking them up.

He is using his dcs as a weapon and it’s not ok!

Throckmorton · 10/09/2021 16:30

God almighty he sounds such a selfish bastard. What's yours is joint and what's his is his.

eminem120176 · 10/09/2021 17:52

This is ridiculous. You're married and your money is his money and visversa

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 10/09/2021 18:00

Out of order not to collect your children. He is a massive arse for that.

I think you need to say percentage of money to joint account though. He has had this resentment for a while by the sounds of it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/09/2021 19:11

[quote bonkerspeople]@gingerlime years agon when we got together i suggested that bith our wages go into joint accounts (i was still studying and working part-time) and he refused. Said just put same amount each and then have our personal account.[/quote]
So what? Marriage involves re-negotiation of many things especially when children come, jobs lost, new jobs with more money gotten, etc.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/09/2021 19:35

We just split everything.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2021 21:50

Marriage involves re-negotiation of many things especially when children come, jobs lost, new jobs with more money gotten, etc.

Although this may well be a case of when she earned less, he was very happy with her paying 50%. Now she earns more, he's not.

Original poster

bonkerspeople · 11/09/2021 08:17

@MrsTerryPratchett

Marriage involves re-negotiation of many things especially when children come, jobs lost, new jobs with more money gotten, etc.

Although this may well be a case of when she earned less, he was very happy with her paying 50%. Now she earns more, he's not.

Finally someone who is actually seeing it for what it is. Historically its been 50% each of all bills and mortgage/rent. He's never wanted to have a joint pot. During my studies i used to be topped up by my parents. Now i ewrn more, all of a sudden am a financial abuser. Everyone saying my inheritance is joint money and the money he got paid back is HiS money! Double standards! It's a petty £300 but it's more than to me..it's the attitude, the swearing and calling me selfish..and still no appology for his behaviour

OP posts:

billy1966 · 11/09/2021 08:36

Well OP I think he has shown you exactly who he is.

He's not a nice man, and you know it.

I hope you are thinking about what you want for your future and if you want this ugly man in it.

You deserve better, as do your children.

cansu · 11/09/2021 08:45

He is a real piece of work not picking up the kids. Stop buying his clothes and paying for the holidays. If he wants stuff he needs to start paying.

Bearsinmotion · 11/09/2021 08:51

Just out of interest, why did you not put your inheritance into any kind of joint pot? Do you see it as a potential escape fund?

Secondly, are you happy?

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 11/09/2021 08:54

I don’t like the sound of him OP. He sounds manipulative and controlling.

Original poster

bonkerspeople · 11/09/2021 09:46

@Bearsinmotion

Just out of interest, why did you not put your inheritance into any kind of joint pot? Do you see it as a potential escape fund?

Secondly, are you happy?

We do not have a joint fund. We have a joubt account where we both put 2k every month for bills and mortgage etc. Then our seperate account ...mine since I was single and thats where my parents transferred the money, years ago.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/09/2021 09:59

Hi OP

I think it depends on s lot of things such as both your earnings (18k is a lot more if you're only on 30k but not so much if you're on 120k), and how often he does overtime and how much spending money you both have.

If he regularly does overtime and has roughly equal spending money then its a bit mad that you buy all the holidays and family stuff while he just gets to spend on what he likes.

I'd suggest putting more into the joint account and buying holidays, treats, kids clothes etc. From that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/09/2021 10:01

And make sure you have equal spending money roughly.

However he shouldn't be shouting and swearing at you, and shouldn't be not picking the kids up as agreed to punish you. That's not how a healthy relationship works

OrangeTortoise · 11/09/2021 10:23

He's being totally out of order IMO. He shouldn't shout and swear at you. He shouldn't expect you to pay for the holiday but refuse to pay for the garden. He shouldn't tell you he needs new shirts and not say thank you when you buy them. He shouldn't leave the kids at school and refuse to pick them up because you've had a row.

He's behaving like a dick OP.

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2021 10:29

I think he’s taking you for a mug, tbh. Stop paying for his incidental. If he needs new clothes, that’s for him to buy, he’s not your child!

Macncheeseballs · 11/09/2021 10:29

You have kids, a house and a life together, surely you can just share your finances? Sometimes I earn more, sometimes dh earns more but it all goes in one pot. Doesn't excuse your dh's behaviour mind

Sundaynightnamechange · 11/09/2021 10:36

He obviously has form for not picking up the children or similar as you checked to make sure he would.

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