AIBU - Am I selfish or is DH being a ....

[bonkerspeople]

Hello everyone
For context: Been married 16 years and together 22. I earn about 18k more than DP. Mortgage and bills are split 50/50 on a joint account. I pay for all school uniform/shoes/dinner /activity clubs. I paid for our holiday which was about 2.5k. I buy all xmas present and birthday gifts for friends and family. My job is salaried and no opportunity for overtime and extra money. DH’s job he can do overtime and get extra money which he often does.
Our cars insurance/ car tax/ mobile bills come from our personal account.
Food shopping, meals out and take aways is usually done 60% of the time me and him 40%.
Now for the AIBY:
He recently got some money 2.5k from a family member, which he was owed. We needed some work done in the garden. DH had agreed that he would pay for that. The quote came back for £800 (He thought it would be around £500). He gets annoyed as I refuse to top up the £300. He then tries to change what we had already agreed to get done which would be cheaper. I said No either we do it how we agreed or we leave it until he has the money. He then gets angry and said that I do not like it when he has money blah blah blah. I said I do most things and that he is being selfish. He starts shouting at calling me ‘the most selfish person’ he’s ever come across. I get more money and am jealous of his 2.5k. I said that I was very offended seeing as I spend all my money on things for everyone, how I lend him money and never get back etc ….he continues calling me names. Went to sleep in the spare room (he went and agreed the work for £800). This morning he is talking to me like nothing happened. Ive just ignored me and left for work.
AIBU: he is being an idiot and I at least deserve an apology and some gratitude.
Or am I being overdramatic?
Thanks

@RacistAngst

I also agree that not collecting the dcs was not on. Even worse is being back home and not picking them up.

He is using his dcs as a weapon and it’s not ok!

Yes I’d be more bothered about this now, than the argument. He just abandoned his duties to collect the children without communicating anything to you. As PP said using then as a weapon to ‘punish’ you.

I can't believe that he put the kids at risk because of a row with you. What would have happened if it didn't occur to you to check on them. Would that have been your fault. That's way over the top.

OP, it's not just the money and not just this argument either.

Been reading through this thread and here is what I see:

• He pays nothing for his children
• He shouts and belittles
• The vast majority of the money spend on the household comes from you
• He does not do half the parenting
• You help him with chores, but you do yours alone
• He does not share the mental load, that's all on you
• He pitches a fit over 300 dollar, but ignores all the money you are spending.

It seems to me that he is taking you for granted. He gets to live his live mostly carefree, while you shoulder the majority of the burdens for the whole family by yourself. He is mooching off of your efforts and your money.

You don't just deserve an appology. You deserve a better relationship and your children deserve a better father.

Can you afford to separate?

Because I think you should be looking at doing that.

He is a nasty piece of work.

Sooner or later you are going to see him clearly for who he is....and its not good.

You are far too goid for him.

Sorry for late reply..the guy was here to check the garden. He's gone and accept the quote.
I've personally never thought about separation. As I've said before, me paying for most things and doing a bigger % of house administration is not an issue for me because I've always done it. It's my normal if that makes sense. Big arguments are rare but when it does happen he loses the plot and swears a lot and will not lay attention where he is or who is there. Ive been with him since i was 18 and I obviously still love him.

With regards to school pick up he apologised to DCamd said that since he wasn't wfh that day and went to work on a day he ysuallt wfh, he thought mum will pick up. I on the other hand haven't had an apology. Am still upset and hurt about what he said to me. I cannot get over the fact that he called me selfish. I did tell him thougj to sort him mum's present for next week as am not doing it. I always sorts all presents

he apologised to DCamd said that since he wasn't wfh that day and went to work on a day he ysuallt wfh, he thought mum will pick up.

Without asking or confirming. It's bullshit, you see that right?

I divorced the man I was with since 18. I was putting up,with behaviour which might have been OK at 18 but certainly wasn't at 30.

If you both put £2k into the joint account each month for bills, why not both put an additional £500 in each month which you can both use on communal purchases (stuff for the kids, food, family gifts, other agreed expenses)? Might make the general drain on your finances more equal.

LannieDuck, he used the kids as a weapon to hurt the OP, £500 isn't going to fix that.

I know PPs are talking about family money and you're married, but that has to work both ways. Based on what you've written, it sounds like your money IS family money, but he sees his as his own. And if you pooled everything, would he just spend even more on his grooming habits and car?

I don't know how people live splitting money and keeping track of things so closely. All put money is put in together and used for bills and living expenses. If one of us needs something, and we have the money, we buy it, if not, we wait until we do. We're not even married!

It seems like everything is ok as long as your H gets what he wants but ultimately he sees your role as having responsibility for everything money, house, DC - he contributes only what he wants to and you selflessly pick up everything else.

Not surprised being called selfish hurt so much as you are the opposite.

He earns almost as much as you and spend more money on himself than you do...

He will up sticks and drop the DC and you in it when he has a tantrum!

Big arguments are rare but when it does happen he loses the plot and swears a lot and will not lay attention where he is or who is there. Ive been with him since i was 18 and I obviously still love him.

It's sad that you haven't had any experience with a loving partner who does not shout and swear at you when they are unhappy. This really is not normal OP. Most couples talk things over and if they are feeling angry they take a little break before resuming discussions.

I think you are normalising this behaviour as this is what you have become used to. The worry is that your children will normalise it as well.

OP,
I hope the scales of your situation are falling from your eyes and that you start to see your situation more clearly and at the very least stand up for yourself.

I mean this kindly but I think you are in an abusive relationship for a long time and simply don't know any better.

You rarely row and when you do he shouts, curses and causes a scene?

Is that part of why you row rarely?
Do you avoid setting him off?

If the answers are yes, then you are indeed in an abusive relationship.

You might find speaking to Woman's Aid cathartic and perhaps some counselling.

You sound very ground down by him.

Keep posting