AIBU - Am I selfish or is DH being a ....

[bonkerspeople]

Hello everyone
For context: Been married 16 years and together 22. I earn about 18k more than DP. Mortgage and bills are split 50/50 on a joint account. I pay for all school uniform/shoes/dinner /activity clubs. I paid for our holiday which was about 2.5k. I buy all xmas present and birthday gifts for friends and family. My job is salaried and no opportunity for overtime and extra money. DH’s job he can do overtime and get extra money which he often does.
Our cars insurance/ car tax/ mobile bills come from our personal account.
Food shopping, meals out and take aways is usually done 60% of the time me and him 40%.
Now for the AIBY:
He recently got some money 2.5k from a family member, which he was owed. We needed some work done in the garden. DH had agreed that he would pay for that. The quote came back for £800 (He thought it would be around £500). He gets annoyed as I refuse to top up the £300. He then tries to change what we had already agreed to get done which would be cheaper. I said No either we do it how we agreed or we leave it until he has the money. He then gets angry and said that I do not like it when he has money blah blah blah. I said I do most things and that he is being selfish. He starts shouting at calling me ‘the most selfish person’ he’s ever come across. I get more money and am jealous of his 2.5k. I said that I was very offended seeing as I spend all my money on things for everyone, how I lend him money and never get back etc ….he continues calling me names. Went to sleep in the spare room (he went and agreed the work for £800). This morning he is talking to me like nothing happened. Ive just ignored me and left for work.
AIBU: he is being an idiot and I at least deserve an apology and some gratitude.
Or am I being overdramatic?
Thanks

I don’t know how you can live like this at all, to be honest. You have children together!!! There’s no such thing as “your” money and “his” money. That ship has sailed! Who on earth carries on like this - “ you pay for the garden; I pad for the extension blah blah blah.”

Do you trust him or not? Yes or no? He is your husband, not your flat mate that you need to negotiate with. If you can’t share money with your own husband, then what is the point? You might as well live in separate houses and then he can do his own thing and you do yours. Life is too short for this malarkey.

You need all costs put down in black and white.
All regular bills plus amount for emergency fund (to cover car breakdown, appliance breakages etc) and the average food shop.
Then the annual add ons, averaged and divided into monthly chunks - holidays, days out, kids uniforms, kids other clothing, car mot & servicing, annual boiler service, presents. List absolutely everything with the cost. This cost is what needs to go into the joint pot (even if the add on costs are then put into a separate account/pot so the money is there when needed).
List your income, his basic then average his overtime.
Total it.

You can then see what should be a fair percentage for you each to pay into the joint pot.

This sets out what should come out of the joint family bills account, & what you should each buy out of your own spends/allowance/left over (whatever you want to call it).

I would suggest you can each buy your own clothing. He can buy his own work shirts.

I honestly cannot imagine having this conversation in 16-year marriage, so I cannot really judge if YABU or not. The idea of picking over who pays for what within a long-term seems really strange to me.

If you were a man you would be accused of being financially abusive. Many people here think it's fine which I can only assume is because you are a woman.
Reason I feel like this is because you aren't sharing both your incomes as family money. You keep your higher salary and your inheritance and if you were a man people would tell your wife to leave.
In my opinion your set up is awful and I'd be bloody angry with you too. A partnership is meant to be just that.

@billy1966

OP, Do not contact him or go to collect the children if he should be doing this. Do not step in. If he chooses to not turn up for a pre arranged pick up for his children, then I would definitely be having a think about who you are married to.

This ...

He resents you for having more money than him - he does not see his overtime as part of his mo ey as he has to work extra for that.
You resent him because you do recognise the overtime as part of his I come and see him therefore not pulling his weight financially.

There are probably similar resentments in terms of who does what for the kids as he clearly sees his overtime as more time. This is coming out in whether or not you will have to collect the kids today.

It sounds to me as though you are not on the same page. You need to either sort things out or split.

To sort out the finances I would gather the costs of everything you have paid for in the last say 12 months, and what he has paid for. As well as looking at your earnings - including his overtime. Come to a better agreement as to who pays for what. He is unlikely to want to do this as it will inevitable involve him using more of his earnings to support the household and if he is aware of this he will resist. This will tell you what you need to know in my view... that and the shouting/swearing.

Try and extract your parents cash from your house/savings. Give it back so that it doesn't get shared in the (inevitable) split

I agree with pp, you need to better sort your finances. You don’t have enough going into your joint account if you are buying him work shirts with your money and he is paying for garden things with his money as those are bills that should be paid from joint account.
Combining everything except for an agreed personal allowance not only keeps it fair, but it also results in transparency. Such if it’s not in joint account, you can’t afford it. You’ve said over and over that his overtime means he’s only a few hundred £ below you in income, but I have a hard time believing that his overtime amounts to £18k/yr? I think you don’t really know and you are thinking he has money when he doesn’t. I am sure he is thinking the same of you. Because neither of you has transparency on your finances.

I don’t think you are being reasonable even under your current horrible system . He agreed to pay for garden when he thought it was £500, he never agreed to pay £800. I don’t know why you got so upset when he decided to bring the garden costs down to the £500 he had budgeted? That’s a normal response to be honest.

Oh yeah - and stop paying for his clothes...

when it is my money that i received from my parents that I spent on the extension, then he didnt complain. Or when I pay for everything else.

There's a very big difference between you deciding to spend your money on something that happens to benefit you both, and you demanding he spends his money on something you want, but he clearly would prefer a cheaper option. It was your choice what to spend your money on. When its his money he should get the final say. If you want something more expensive, its entirely reasonable that you should pay the extra. You don't get to dictate what he spends his money on.

In any case, its really unhealthy (abusive if you were a man!) for you to not split all the money coming in equally and instead you pay for things as though its a gift. Spending family money (which is what your wages are) on stuff for the family isn't you being magnanimous, its just the way it should rightly be. It is very clear that you control the money and what it is spent on. Much fairer to split the money equally, big chunk monthly goes into bills. family spends and shared projects (e.g.house/garden improvements that you both equally agree on) and then a set equal smallish amount each for personal spends that you both spend or save without reference or recourse to the other.

You should not have more say than him on the household finances, just because you happen to earn more. That kind of attitude is financially abusive.

Am at the school doing pick up!
I get what you all are saying but for those shouting financial abuse, Let's put things into perspective, my DH isn't in a low paid job on minimum wage, he drives a 50k car and he spends more money on his grooming than i do, latest mobile. His personal spending is more hence why he never has money left.

@bruffin

This is so petty, in our house all money is "our" money including inheritances

Same here....he has always earned more than me Only works if you have the same attitude to money and spending tho

I suspect the issue is less about relative earnings for him, and more about about the money you have in savings from your inheritance. You refer to him as 'sitting on' £2.5k. He probably thinks you're 'sitting on' a lot more than that, but won't put in £300.

OP, do you think other couples have exactly the same spending habits as each other? No they do not. This hardly ever happens. But so what? They still have shared finances.

So he might spend more on his “grooming.” But I’m sure you spend more on other things. Anyway, does it matter? Why keep tabs on your own husband?!

Fair enough if he was a chronic gambler or addict and you needed to ring fence money for his protection. But this does not sound like it’s the case.

I think you need to get out of this mentality that you spend more than him and lend him money and all this type of thing. Sounds exhausting and utterly pointless. How are you still together? The mind boggles really.

I would have to go away and work it all out for last year - both your total incomes, and your outgoings (as far as you can). From the way you've described it, I'd bet you have less left over per month than he does.

Incidentally, it sounds like if you do more than 50% of the chores too.

I also agree you shouldn't have bailed him out on school pick-up. It was his job.

Ok. Spreadsheet. All of the bills. Food, joint going out, childcare, regular savings, holidays, debts etc etc. Total A

Salaries mr + Mrs (basic) = B

B - A = C (what’s left)

C/2 = your own spending £ to buy your own clothes, make up etc.

His overtime - split it 50:50 as spending £ each of you don’t need to rely on it.

You have/had sex with him, surely you can sit down and talk money

OP, do you think other couples have exactly the same spending habits as each other? No they do not. This hardly ever happens. But so what? They still have shared finances.

It's only an issue because it's become an issue in their marriage. If both sides were happy with the current arrangement, it wouldn't be an issue. But they aren't.

@LannieDuck

I would have to go away and work it all out for last year - both your total incomes, and your outgoings (as far as you can). From the way you've described it, I'd bet you have less left over per month than he does.

Incidentally, it sounds like if you do more than 50% of the chores too.

I also agree you shouldn't have bailed him out on school pick-up. It was his job.

Yes I probably do have less left. And I keep taking from my savings for big expenses.

But OP, why can’t your savings just be his savings and vice versa? Put everything in joint names and stop all the calculating and comparisons. All the money inevitably goes the same way anyway in a family. What’s the difference?

He shouted at you in front of the children.

He swore at you in front of the children.

He sulked and neglected to collect the children from school to punish you.

This is all coercive behaviour OP and it happens when he doesn't get his own way. It's not about money, it's not about how you split your finances.

You usually go along with what he wants because you try to avoid the behaviour that he has just shown.

This is absolutely not acceptable. I would suggest starting a new thread just about his reaction to a simple discussion, rather than it being about money because this is so NOT about money but posters will keep going on about it rather than seeing the real problem.

Well, if my husband had “his” savings and thought he was magnanimous to “lend” me money on occasions, or quibble about purchases for the children, I wouldn’t even bother shouting. I’d run for the hills.

I don't have any general opinion on the splitting of money; whatever the two of you agree to is fine. However, you are apparently married to a tiny squalling child, and I'd find that off-putting.

"In anger yesterday he said we should sell the house but didnt say anything else. Does he mean sell the house and each get our own or what?"

You buried the headline there. This is about more than £300.

Am at the school doing pick up!

He didn't go to pick the children up, without communicating this, on his day, because he was sulking? Is that correct?

That's LTB territory. Child neglect as punishment? Nope.

@gingerlime years agon when we got together i suggested that bith our wages go into joint accounts (i was still studying and working part-time) and he refused. Said just put same amount each and then have our personal account.

@WallaceinAnderland

He shouted at you in front of the children.

He swore at you in front of the children.

He sulked and neglected to collect the children from school to punish you.

This is all coercive behaviour OP and it happens when he doesn't get his own way. It's not about money, it's not about how you split your finances.

You usually go along with what he wants because you try to avoid the behaviour that he has just shown.

This is absolutely not acceptable. I would suggest starting a new thread just about his reaction to a simple discussion, rather than it being about money because this is so NOT about money but posters will keep going on about it rather than seeing the real problem.

Thank you..my post was about his behaviour and reaction. The money stuff i only put to give context on the argument. But everyone seems to only see money signs!