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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have severe doubts about 'Help Me Love My Baby'

97 replies

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:07

moving, yes. Without question, a great thing for women who are suffering severe pnd to know that there are others out there.

But for the babies concerned?

They can't consent. And how will they respond, in future years, to this potentially devastating record of their early years?

Will the mother also have regrets.?

I understand that the taboo must be broken. But perhaps the price is too high?

OP posts:

bluejelly · 03/12/2007 22:08

Better to have a mother who is treated and can sort out the issues than one who struggles on in silence maybe..
But yes it is a concern.

Alambil · 03/12/2007 22:09

Is it a TV show or something?

(sorry - am a bit dense)

bluejelly · 03/12/2007 22:11

Yes it was on channel 4 tonight

Original poster

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:12

c4 just now - mother with severe pnd - actually beyond that - was physically rejecting her baby. Baby had absorbed that and wouldn't look at mother's face. V painful.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 03/12/2007 22:13

onebatmother what are you doing here? Don't yuou know Will Self is on Have I Got News For You..right this minute !

Original poster

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:15

bloody hell mrs didn't you see my other thread??±

ytou're watching a lummin repeat!

ps my thread said ' will self on HAGNFY NOW! or something..

OP posts:

Alambil · 03/12/2007 22:15

aw that sounds horrific

I guess it is good that a "real life" docu is done about the extremes of PND (and the lesser extremes) but as you say - at who's expense?

Unless they make the end as a "look how far we have come" and it all ends positively; then the parents can say, "yes, it was a rough ride but look how we got through it" etc when (if) the kids realise?

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 03/12/2007 22:22

it did cross my mind but the mum was working really hard to make things right

many mums ie mine did not give a toss

Original poster

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:22

agree lfbah but suspect that there isn't that proviso on the release form..

and even so - not sure whether that would make me feel better at 13 were I the baby concerned.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 03/12/2007 22:27

Missed your other thread batty...not such an efficient stalker after all eh?
I just watched Help Me Love My Baby and I agree with you. I always wonder about the aftermath of people being so candid on TV. And in this case, for the babies too.
I feel it is a necessary subject/taboo to broach though I wonder how else they could have done it.....Maybe had a late night adult only forum discussing the therapy and how it had effected her relationship with baby instead?

pooka · 03/12/2007 22:28

I watched it. I momentarily thought about Bringing up Baby before it came on. But then became absorbed in it, and felt that actually, it had many positives.

In that it showed the growth of love, and how a rocky start can be addressed in a caring manner. And also in that by existing it also showed that some mothers do find it hard to deal with being mothers, the impact of PND and so on. And that is something that is rarely shown, and that is a taboo subject and by being taboo it must be incredibly hard to admit to and to seek appropriate help.

WRT the children watching the programme when they are older, I can only comment on this one programme so far. And I think if the baby in the programme was to watch it as an adult she would be able to understand why things were rough for the first six months, what triggered the difficult relationship, and the efforts made by the mum to put things right. And the ending was positive - they had both developed a much stronger bond.

So I don't think it was exploitative in the way that BUB was.

Piffle · 03/12/2007 22:30

I think it was very important to show, imagine that little girl in 20 years time if her mother had not got the help...

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 03/12/2007 22:33

yes -and how would other mums learn they are not alone in this - if not through media expose such as this?
i think it was all good
heart wrenching but all good for that little baby - everyone onvolved wanted to help her - not exploit her

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 22:33

It was pretty sensitively done. It was lovely to see the bond between them at the end after the almost total alienation at the beginning.

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 22:33

It was pretty sensitively done. It was lovely to see the bond between them at the end after the almost total alienation at the beginning.

Blu · 03/12/2007 22:34

It's a big risk, isn't it?
But hopefully the child can see how important it was to her mother that her mother sought help - and also the therapist is so non-judgmental (ooooh, I wished I had had her sitting with me throughout DS's early years, wasn't she wonderful?) that if the relationship continues to grow and be strong, the child will understand why the mothere was as she was.
But I do agree that it is both a risk and an ethical issue.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 03/12/2007 22:35

the therapists face when observing izzy with the 'stranger' i could have wept

Original poster

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:35

Pooka - oh god, totally agree with you and yet..

I am, in every respect, committed to therapy.

But can't help feeling that a decent therapist wouldn't agree to be televised.

And though I'd also hope that the baby will look back and feel positively, it could very easily not be the case.

Not sure about (potentially) sacrificing the few for the benefit of the many.

And the fundamental issue - baby can't consent - remains.

OP posts:

pooka · 03/12/2007 22:40

I know, I know. It does feel wrong to have such a sensitive situation and basically infant's lives as entertainment.
But, I watched it, and I did feel that it was as sensitively approached as possible.
I actually found it more palatable than HOTT (even with tanya byron) and way more responsible than the supernanny/BUB "shows".

ScottishMummyFurtlingWithSanta · 03/12/2007 22:41

breaking the taboo and stigma of PND by talking about it is therapeutic. the mum demonstrated a really harrowing experience, but PND can really be like that. i think her child in time when at an age to view the footage if debriefed properly will see mum as a lady who suffered severe PND but sought support, because she wanted ti recover and did in fact find her nurturing instincts and love her child.

thought the mum is a remarkable woman, to candidly discuss her experience

Piffle · 03/12/2007 22:43

Vital IMO because, you had to see the changes in them both to understnad what could happen.
You had to see how bad it was to see why she had to ask for help

Vital for mothers all over to see that if they feel this way, they are not alone, nor doomed, they can seek help and they can recover the loving bond.

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 03/12/2007 22:46

i've not seen this one but the next episode follows a girl with twins and i thought it was quite excellent. not in the same class as BUB at all.

Original poster

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:49

the mum was very much a remarkable woman. The whole programme was brilliant television.

it's an interesting idea that part of her motivation for being televised was the therapeutic potential of being SEEN to be talking about it, to counteract her feelings of guilt.

I'm not sure, had I been in her position, that I would have been able to adequately think that through.

OP posts:

weirdbird · 03/12/2007 22:52

I found it hard to watch, it was so similar to my experince with my DD1, I think if I had had the opportunity to have that sort of therapy even with the cameras I would have jumped at it. It took my years to bond with my DD1 and a long time to have the courage to try again. What I find so sad now that I have DD2 and everything did "click" when she was born was I finally realise just "HOW" wrong things where with DD1, wheras before I just knew how I felt wasn't normal but didnt know how I should feel.

The only plus for me is that having DD2 did change how I felt for DD1 even after all these years and after I thought we had bonded.

I felt completely unable to talk about this at the time even though I did get diagnosed with PND, I felt so ashamed of how I felt and really thought no one would understand.

If a programme like this helps more people to come forward and seek help then I thinks its a good thing, but I question whether there is really the support there for those that might!

FatBellyJones · 03/12/2007 22:56

Weirdbird, sounds like we had a similar experience but nothing ever really clicked with my daughter and she's 17 now, with serious mental health issues. We're working on our relationship and her issues but it's a long hard road and I so wish I'd known to ask for help back then.

Anyone of you out there who's afraid to speak out but is feeling like that.. please please please seek help and get it sorted now!

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