Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a one-off?

80 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 08/09/2021 22:51

So my partner of 5 years pushed me aggressively today, I was totally shocked and hurt (emotionally, it wasn’t a very physically painful action) as it was out of character and unprovoked. I never thought I’d be this person but could this just be a one-off? Do I let it go?

For full disclosure - we were watching tv in separate rooms downstairs (due to the football!) I was ready for bed so went into the kitchen and checked the back door was locked, as every night. It wasn’t, so I locked it. He came in and asked for id locked the door, and why, at which point I remembered we had purposely left it unlocked as we’d had a disposable bbq a few hours earlier, left it to cool outside and intended to bag it up and throw it in the bin just before bed.
I said I’d forgotten but we could just unlock the door, and he put his hands on my shoulders and shoved me backwards and told me to get out.
I was shocked and put my arms out and pushed him backwards, my hands on his chest. He pushed me another few times and turned me around to shove me out of the kitchen.
I firmly told him to stop, unlocked the door, brought the bbq in, told him to sleep in the spare room, and have taken myself to bed. He said sorry but didn’t seem particularly remorseful.
Do I put it down to a moment of madness or do I run? He had had 1 can of larger with the bbq as far as I know

OP posts:
HogwartsForever11 · 08/09/2021 22:52

Sorry larger = lager, not a frequent poster, not sure how to edit the post!

OP posts:
Enough4me · 08/09/2021 22:55

That wasn't an accident or a joke, it wasn't minor. He stood and pushed you multiple times to cause you physical pain. He has no right to push you and you have every right to take this further.

What other behaviours have you seen like this? (Has this built up?)

Thatsplentyjack · 08/09/2021 22:55

Wtf! OP that's quite a reaction to you locking the door. Is this definitely the first time anything has ever happened. I wouldn't imagine that is a one off. It's such a strange scenario!

Wisewordswouldhelp · 08/09/2021 22:55

No don't let it go. What he did was totally out of order. What is he going to do next time he's angry about something!

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/09/2021 22:56

Domestic violence increases when England play, honestly I would leave, it won’t be a one off. (I thought it would be for me too with my abusive ex - a push was how it started.)

HippeePrincess · 08/09/2021 22:58

Can’t believe you’re questioning this, leave him.

Ionlydomassiveones · 08/09/2021 22:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

seaandsandcastles · 08/09/2021 23:01

You absolutely do not let it go.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2021 23:01

I have been very happily married for 25 years, never a whiff of violence, but if my husband ever did that to me it would be over, instantly. I could never accept or tolerate that.

nimbuscloud · 08/09/2021 23:03

Is this a first time ?
Has he been aggressive before? Does he often sleep in the spare room?

Clymene · 08/09/2021 23:04

Your relationship is over. He shoved you around because he wanted to shove you. Nothing to do with the door or the bbq.

Next time - and there will be a next time - you may not be so lucky.

user1473878824 · 08/09/2021 23:05

Op, I get what you mean about a one off and it not hurting and it’s not excusing drunk men in the slightest: but you’re completely sober (a can of lager isn’t enough to change anyone’s behaviour but I’m sure I’ll be told I’m wrong) partner shoved you repeatedly to get you out of a room for no reason. He pushed you in a way that clearly isn’t a normal jokey thing for you two to be questioning it. That is not okay. He has been aggressive and awful. And yes, if he’s okay doing this he will do it again.

user1473878824 · 08/09/2021 23:05

I usually hate this phrase but he’s shown you who he is. Don’t stay around to have him prove it.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2021 23:06

It’s not ok
Next time he’ll be more violent if you forgive this

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/09/2021 23:10

The only time I've heard of anyone doing anything like this as a one off was if someone had a mini stroke or other medical condition (eg uti) that made them behave aggressively and out of character. Those instances were in elderly people though. In someone young and healthy I've never heard of someone having a 'one off' incidence of violence over something minor. Never.

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2021 23:41

Nope. That’s the beginning.

You would be a complete fool to stay with him.

MessOfEyelinerAndSpraypaint · 09/09/2021 02:38

The first time is a shock. It cracks the foundation you thought was stable.
But there will be more.
Please consider this aggression as 'shots fired' and find a way out, soon.
💐

olympicsrock · 09/09/2021 03:11

This is weird . He shoved you ( very wrong) and it sounds like you shoved him back ( also wrong) .
Not good at all. You need to talk about this and have a very low threshold for walking away.

LimeRedBanana · 09/09/2021 03:20

You know this isn’t OK in any way, shape or form.

My DF said to me too many years ago to remember - the first time a man does this to you, you walk. No ‘ifs’, no ‘buts’.

No man ever has.

I mean, everything else aside, how pathetic. How deeply, deeply pathetic of him.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 09/09/2021 03:27

This isn't a one off for starters! He pushed once then followed up with more. He had plenty of time to stop but he fancied pushing you about. Ime this is likely a gateway to him testing your limits. You need to get rid OP, can you do so safely? X

RazorSharp · 09/09/2021 04:16

Every abusive relationship started as a one off.................

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 09/09/2021 04:22

Really concerning stuff.
I am married but my huband and both know we would be done if either of us behaved like that towards the other.

Run...

someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 05:03

The story of every woman who's ever been killed by a partner starts with her ignoring and forgiving that first push/slap/shove. It's a slippery slope of escalating abuse and I would not be hanging around to see how this particular story might end. If you forgivive him, in his twisted mind it's going to feel like you've given him permission to do it again.

someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 05:04

@olympicsrock

This is weird . He shoved you ( very wrong) and it sounds like you shoved him back ( also wrong) . Not good at all. You need to talk about this and have a very low threshold for walking away.
Let's not equate her showing back in a moment of panic and in self defense with him pushing her totally unprovoked, mmmkay?
someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 05:05

*shoving

Swipe left for the next trending thread